She turned her head towards me and uttered the words I dreaded most, “You knew what you were getting into right?”
I always hate getting asked this question because, in a way, I did know what military life would be like–frequent moves, separations and the overall feeling that life is a like a revolving door.
But at the same time, I didn’t REALLY know. Take marriage, for example: you have an idea what your relationship will be like years later, but you don’t fully grasp it until he’s covered your entire house in gear vomit for the third time this week.
The same goes for parenting. You can read all the books on toddler discipline and prepare for ages, but nothing really prepares for a toddler flinging poop at your head you until you experience it first hand.
Another perfect example is going to college and landing your first job. You study and plan to knock your first job out of the park, but inevitably, you will fall down, make mistakes and have customers “question your abilities.”
(photo credit: Sgt. Joshua Spalding / DVIDS)
This is life.
It’s filled with unexpected surprises each and every step of the way. Before becoming a military wife, these are 47 things I never thought about…
- The first deployment is a brutal shock to the system.
- Each subsequent deployment or separation will turn you into a bag of nerves, despite adequate planning, prep and support.
- Deployments don’t get easier, you simply gain more tools to cope with deployment separations.
- You will spend nearly the entire time at your current duty station speculating about where you will go next.
- Someone will ask for your address history and you will nearly pass out.
- Your ID card will become an extension of your body. Without it, you’ll feel lost.
- At some point, you’ll get a citation for not pulling your weeds, cutting your grass or leaving a stroller outside your door when living on base housing.
- Learning acronyms and abbreviations will become your second language.
- Some duty stations will feel like the worst place EVER, right until you meet your BFF…two months before your rotation date.
- Patriotism will root itself deep into your heart.
- Getting your taxes done at the base tax center will be the scariest thing you do all year.
- You will travel insane distances to see your friends and family back home.
- On top of that, you’ll drive 8 hours to see your service member for 3 hours and this will seem normal.
- You’ll spend the majority of your time as a military spouse either unemployed or underemployed.
- People will say a lot of silly things to you like…“I could never do what you do.” And you will find a way to answer with grace and tact.
- Homecoming will feel like falling in love on a blind date. First comes the honeymoon phase, and then it just gets awkward.
- You’ll make a plan only to make a new plan over and over again.
- Something will always break down during deployment. Always.
- At some point, you will feel lonely and wonder what in the world you are doing with your life.
- Military life will take you to the highest of highs and lowest of lows emotionally.
- Your ability to handle tough situations will rise exponentially.
- Attending the annual military ball will feel like prom…for adults.
- PCS stickers will remain on your furniture indefinitely. They’re everywhere!
- Something extraordinarily important to you will receive major damage during a PCS move or it will get lost completely.
- You will try to explain your life as a military wife to a civilian and they won’t get it.
- The family readiness group is going to help you when you least expect it.
- Any savings you get from the commissary will get cancelled out by all the rotten produce they sell you.
- Moving overseas will give you a panic attack, but then you’ll do it and actually love it.
- Having a pet will complicate your life …from finding a pet-friendly home to securing a safe place to kennel your fur baby.
- Finding a homecoming outfit will take an ungodly amount of time.
- Upon arriving to the military base gate, you’ll either forget your ID card completely or you’ll hand them a credit card.
- The number of long-distance friendships you maintain will far exceed the number of friends living in your current duty station.
- Determining the perfect time to start a family will feel like advanced college calculus.
- Talking about possible funeral arrangements, living wills and military widow death benefits will happen early in your relationship.
- You’ll get pregnant and he’ll announce he’s leaving on deployment…right before your due date.
- Military gear will take over your entire home before and after every deployment.
- People you barely know in the military community will do extraordinary things for you at the drop of a hat.
- Your heart will feel an overwhelming sense of pride each time someone thanks your service member for his sacrifice and service.
- Amazing friendships doesn’t even begin to describe the relationships you will form with other spouses.
- Taking calls at 3 am from halfway around the world will seem normal.
- After living in the same place for 3 years, you’ll be itching to move again.
- You’ll have a good deployment meltdown at least once every deployment.
- Reinventing yourself will become an annual thing.
- Hearing gunshots and bombs won’t phase you even a little bit.
- Resilience, strength and courage will become the core of who you are as a person.
- Your military marriage will grow apart and back together over and over again, and it will turn you into one helluva strong couple.
- It’ll be hard, challenging, make you want to quit and piss you off royally, but in the end, you be so glad you did it.
Want more on military life?
- Are Military Spouses Unknowingly Violating OPSEC?
- How to Find a Stunning Military Ball Dress for Under $100
- The Most Surprising Thing You’ll Miss During Deployment
- One Phrase That Will Reconnect Your Military Marriage
Everett
#48- Not all spouses are wives. 😉
Paige
Being a military spouse gives me a huge sense of security. I think it has helped our family flourish in ways not possible without. Difficult at times, that is just life. At least I know my husband won’t get fired tmrw!
Candace
Some of these are what I’ve experienced but not all. I don’t have friends. I can’t seem to get pregnant. I’m unemployed because the process for Government work takes too long. I’ve been waiting almost 5 months now. I have a degree in Environmental Science. I was married at 36 so to me the whole military ball thing with some wives is ridiculous. Very juvenile. Anyway, I’m not a typical woman so maybe that’s why I don’t have some of these problems.
Hannah
I’d love to be your friend, then. All of this seems so childish.
Nicole F.
I have military boyfriend and I’m preparing myself to be his wife…thank you for the guidelines…
Currently we’re in 4 years of relationship and still counting..❤
Terry Haverty
I agree!!!!
I was a military spouse for 17 yrs. I am also an Army BRAT.
There are so many positives about being a military spouse.
You travel, rearrange your home 100+ times, you redecorate on a super small budget, you trade furniture with other spouses who are doing the same thing, you form a babysitting co-OP, you venture out and of the bases to get to know your new home, there are baby groups, tdy trips, you role play when your spouse returns from their tdy/deployment, take a second honeymoon, date nights/days at home, and many more things a military spouse does and can do.
Twyla
I have a question? My boyfriend is in the airforce. He says he needs my banking info so I can be profiled is this normal ?
Francine
Hey Terry,
Please, can you help me with some advice? My “Boyfriend” is in the Air force.
Paulo
You will have multiple affairs during deployments, you will decide to get a divorce and tell him while he’s still deployed because you need to live your best life….
Gabby
So, you’re able to go on rotations?
Is Kalos
I love this article, me and my husband are active duty and believe me when I say it’s pretty tough. Either he’s on the go or I’m on the go. MACP is great but thats if the Army wants to do it in time, he was on orders to Japan and while I thought it was going to possibly work (orders to Japan are very rare) I got put on assignment to Ft Riley. It was heartbreaking. The thought of being separated was scary. But pulling a few strings through my chain of command managed to get the same orders. But I love being a wife as much as I love to defend my country. Continuing to be strong is all you got sometimes!
paula
hi my name is paula i was wondering if i could ask you some questions as i have met a soilder from usa army and we have been talking for months but before i contiune my relationship with him i need some questions answered first hope you can help sorry to have bothered you hope you dont mind
Barbara Salas
I was a military wife for 20 years. US Navy. We’ve been retired from the Navy for 26 years…I say WE on purpose. This author pretty much got it right. With all that said, we miss the life everyday. The friends we have from each of his duty stations are still friends. When we see them, it’s like we saw them last week. Our children grew up with deployments, the commissary, travel, moving, and so much more. They have grown into fine adults. At first I hated the deployments, but through the years that feeling turned into more of a begrudging one. I learned to turn deployments into opportunities and grew stronger because of them. The stories I could tell! In fact, there’s WAY too much togetherness now that we’re both retired. WAY TOO MUCH!! :LOL
Mechelle wilson
How is one to understand the new navy man relationship…and that they just want hook ups with no strings attached…cause all the other previous gals carnt cope with deployments…us this fair to lump all us girls in this…
How can this attitude be readjusted….from your point of view from your long history of navy life…regards m..
Kim Ryan
I am the proud wife of a 23 year veteran, who after retiring from active duty spent another 20 years as a DOD employee.
We live in a neighborhood that had three other couples
Living in the same nrighborhood.
We have friends that have lasted forever. We became
parents together, raised our children to adulthood, and now
we have retired, collecting Social Security, and now
we are watching our grandkids, and in some cases
great grandkids grow.
Being military or married into it is a great experience
and an adventure. We miss it, especially the people we
call friends.
Kayla
Thank you for this beautifully written article. I am brand new to this way of life as my husband leaves for basic training in less than 3 weeks. I look forward to this learning experience.
Lauren Tamm
Thanks for sharing Kayla. Great to have you here!
Brittany
You have a great list! I’ve only been a military wife for less than a year and I’m still learning so many new things. But I’m realizing that though there are so many shocking and hard experiences, there are plenty of good.
Sam
Oh man…. all so true. If you aren’t a fairly independent and self sufficient person you will need to learn to be to cope with the deployments and TDY’s. I had to order a new motor and install it in our vacuum and order and install new inlet valve on the washer last deployment and I was so thankful my dad taught me how to be very handy with tools. The job situation is so complicated so I have turned to creating sweat equity in my home to keep me occupied and feeling productive. I tiled the downstairs,, painted half the rooms, remodeled the downstairs bathroom, built new gates, and landscaped the front yard last deployment. Maybe if we’re lucky next pcs when we will likely sell this home I will get enough back out of it to offset my lack of a job in this location.
Kelly
There is nothing to be proud of about being a military spouse. My husband has been in the military for 11 years, and yet I’m beyond proud of HIM as an individual…I’m not proud of us being in the military. I absolutely hate every bit of it. It is the WORST! If I could go back in time and stop my husband from resigning that stupid contract I would love for us to have NORMAL jobs and live NORMAL lives! I hate everything about the military.
1. I hate how complicated everything is, dealing with TriCare is a bitch.
2. I hate that they move you around from place to place like puppets
3. I hate how they rip families apart, they don’t pay enough money to put us through what we go through. In fact, no job can pay enough for that.
The list goes on, there’s just so much about it that I hate. No bright side. Hate it all! I would never encourage anyone to join. In fact my nephew almost did, glad to say I played a role in him not joining. It’s not worth it. Absolutely sucks!
Kristin
You must find a sense of pride. You are serving our great nation. Isn’t that a good thing? What is NORMAL anyway?!
Antoinette
I am a woman in the military and my husband is in the military. Kelly, please do not dis-encourage people from not joining based off of YOUR experience. Did you not know that your husband was joining the military? These are your feelings and your’re entitled to them but once again, let others choose to serve without your negative influences based off what you have gone through. I don’t tell wives “thank you for your service”…I simply say “thank you for your sacrifices”. It’s a hard job but it can be rewarding.
Jeanette smith
I was an Army. wife for 14 years I also worked for the army myself I loved my army life my husband did 22 yrs. I would do every bit of it over again in a heartbeat. I was the opposite I could and still can’t Or my husband. couldn’t. get used to civilian life I miss my military life my friends my job which was more like family to me military was more like home and family I made some terrific friends agent and lived in some terrific places I’m proud to have been apart of that military family that once your a part of Always a part of
Sheri
Just like being active duty, being a military spouse isn’t for everyone. I’ve been half of an active duty couple, a military wife AND the service member with a dependent spouse. They all have their issues and, certainly not everyone likes it or can handle it.
Amanda
It is my opinion that there needs to be clear expectations set before embarking into being a military spouse to avoid this kind of resentment towards the left style. For me I have nothing but encouragement for those who wish to become wives and husbands to those serving our great nation. Moving every 2-3 years is HARD! Yes, but if you are open minded, can sacrifice, and have strong morals and will you can grow to be a person who equip to handle the ever changing lifestyle.
That being said be prepared to have both a “hate” journal AND a “blessings” journal. It is not always great, but it is always rewarding.
A
So glad you advised ur nephew against it! The military is the worst. Giving ur life away for nothing.
Brynja
Good for you for saying the truth! The spouses living the milspouse lifestyle… my goodness. On top of all of the things you mentioned, there is THAT insanity. The best thing you can do really is live off base/post, skip ALL things military. They dont own you. Only your spouse. Doing this has been a lfiesaver for me. I did TRY to get rid of Tricare, but that somehow requires removal from DEERS. I don’t NEED a stupid ID card. I don’t go on base. However, they wont let us MOVE when they make us move without being in DEERS. I just pay the medical insurance from my OWN job, and ignore Tricare…and whatever fresh hell they are doing. There is no diginity nor pride that comes along with being a spouse. RUN from it. Create your life without it. I love my husband and I support him, but the military owns HIM no me and the children. Just don’t let them railroad you and the worst you will have to deal with is the moving. Ignore them in all other respects.
Adriane
I love your honesty just like the lead post. I think a lot of the wife’s seem shallow from the outside looking in. My husband is joining and I will be off base for sure.