Deployment
After multiple deployments and separations as a military spouse, you’d think the deployment meltdown wouldn’t exist. This is simply not true.
A few deployments ago, I hit a catastrophic wall right around the one-month mark. I am unashamed to say it was probably one of my worst meltdowns since becoming a military wife.
In the middle of the day, I sat in the chair of my living room pecking away at my keyboard, crafting an angry email addressed to my husband. I literally took everything in my life that I could possibly be angry about and rammed it straight into the keyboard–letter-by-letter.
The deployment meltdown.
I certainly wasn’t blaming him for my deployment anger. Because if there was anyone who understood what I was going through—it was him.
Some military spouses might feel embarrassed to admit they had a deployment meltdown. But here’s why you shouldn’t…
First of all…you’ll feel better.
According to science, having a good cry releases stress and helps you feel better both physically and emotionally. In fact, people who don’t cry feel worse than their weepy counterparts.
This is because emotional tears (not tears from onions or a lash in your eye) help release toxins from the body that typically build up during times of emotional stress. Crying also reduces your body’s manganese level which heavily impacts your mood.
If you find yourself easily frustrated by long lines at the commissary, ID checks at the military base gate or lack of communication with your deployed service member, go ahead and cry about it.
If you find yourself fed up with living far from your family, a service member who is always away, or career challenges, go ahead and cry about it.
Yes, really.
Research studies show that chemicals built up from emotional stress are removed by tears. Think of it this way, each tear running down your cheek during deployment is another drop of emotional baggage you’re leaving behind.
It’s like therapy, only cheaper.
It shows you’re human and you care.
Being upset when the most important person in your life is gone shows that your military relationship means something to you. That you don’t want anything to happen to them and that you want them part of your everyday life.
Having an occasional deployment meltdown is healthy and normal.
There is never a time when my service member leaves on a legitimate deployment and I think, “Oh, goodie!”
The moment that I stop feeling sad about him leaving or the moment deployment stops affecting me on some level is a red flag to me.
Of course, you want to stay positive and avoid wallowing in military life misery, but when you love and care about someone, it’s natural to feel sadness over their absence. It’s a true testament you’re your relationship is healthy and thriving.
Taking a few steps back will help you leap forward.
It’s awfully tempting to stuff all those emotions into a box, put the lid on tight and lock it up. But you can’t expect much in terms of personal growth if you don’t allow yourself to experience emotions and process them.
Each time you are courageous enough to face your emotions head on, you improve your coping skills and become more resilient in future separations and deployments.
You learn how to calm yourself down and handle the anger even when…and this is huge right here…the most important person in the world isn’t there by your side.
That’s a pretty big deal.
When it feels like you’re regressing in your ability to “handle the deployment” what you are actually doing is taking a few steps backward so you can take a running leap forward.
Moving forward post meltdown.
Each time I “lose it” during deployment, I come out stronger. My guess is that you do too.
After a good ugly cry, you’re going to purge all those negative emotions and move forward better than ever. You’re going to feel more balanced and level-headed. You’re going to start fresh, which will allow you to SEE the real solutions sitting right in front of you.
You’re going to understand what it’s like to take a running leap forward, push through the deployment, and come out stronger than ever.
Believe me when I say, a good deployment meltdown only means one thing: You’ve got this.
If you are struggling with emotions and sadness beyond what you feel is reasonable, you can find a counselor here through military one source. Asking for help takes courage and is always okay.
Want more on military life?
- The Deployment Diet No One Talks About
- 10 Things Military Spouses Don’t Need to Do Anymore
- What You Miss Most During Deployment
- 9 Reasons Why It’s Okay When He Deploys
My fiancee has been deployed for almost 2 years. He is an officer. I thought I was going crazy a few months ago with feeling so lonely and crying. He will be returning home in the next few months and the closer it gets to his returning home, the worse it’s gotten. And I still have a few months to go. Last week I spent 3 days crying! He knew I had been crying, I told him. He was so sweet trying to console me telling me he was going through the same thing being lonely. I then realized it wasn,’t just me. I try to be intuitive when we chat and if he takes a long time to answer something I’ve asked, I will ask of he’s busy and let him get back to work. I do not ever detain him. Being an officer he is extremely busy and it’s important to remember that he’s there to do a job so try not to make it more difficult for him. There are some days I just have to suck it up and pull my big girl panties up and deal with it……. I’ll usually ho out and walk for a while. A change in scenery does wonders for me. He knows what you’re going through. It’s lonely there too. Keep occupied…….. it keeps you from thinking.❤
I am glad I found all of you! This deployment has been extremely hard for me with so many emotions I’m just not use too! None of them are happy! I’m lonely, sad, angry, resentful, and yet very proud of him! I’ve had a lot of cries! I’m not use to that either. I generally very strong. I’m hurt and heartbroken! The pain feels unbearable. I feel lost!
OMG!! I seriously just went through this with my sweetheart. I cried like a baby for about 45 minutes. But yes, I felt so much better afterward. His deployment is a short one and I will be moving from Georgia to California when he gets back. I am super excited to have him home soon and to be with him for the rest of my life
Oh my goodness literally at that point. I’m feeling so much grief and it’s our second deployment but I feel like I hit a cement wall. It’s been a little over a month and a half and I’m just hit with the blues. So difficult when you also don’t hear from them at the typical time they call, keeps you crazy literally.
Greetings ,
My military man is deployed for 1 and half years now, still is away for a little longer as he said it’s been extended ( mission ) we have never met in person however correspond through hangout and chat via hangouts on calls.
He says his unable to video call due to the guidelines and security risk involved.
I’m trusting him so much and hopefully he is telling me the truth ?
An anyone explain to me if in this same situation , does it sound legitimate.
Thankyou .
Michelle I am in the same situation & at first I wasn’t sure, thought it was just someone to speak to. We are now stronger than ever & plans for the future and a family. Such an amazing person , didn’t know what happiness really was until now xxx
Thank you for this. This is the first deployment either of us have ever gone through. I honestly was starting to feel that with each of these meltdowns (thank you for the word btw) I wasn’t handling it well enough; that I was the problem. It’s been so hard not having my partner by my side and it’s nice to hear that I’m not alone in my sadness. You hit on everything. I starting to feel fed up living so far from my family and friends, so it’s nice to know that this is okay. Thank you for writing this.
Hi Michelle,
He could be real or he could be a catfish (someone pretending to be someone else online). catfish always make excuses why they cannot video chat. I you watch Catfish the TV show (reality show), especially the more recent episodes, you can get ideas an things to do to research if he is who he says he is. One of the things that they do is search his phone number in Cash App, then if it comes up with a username in Cash App search that. Also you can take all of the photos he sent you and drag one at a time from your desktop into Google image search. Or you can write into the show and see if they will help you find out if he is who he says he is.This YouTube video is called, “Military Romance Scams: How To Tell If It’s Real Love or Really a Scam” and it may be helpful https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8VtHjfnVbJY
This helped so.. much husband is on pur first deployment and it’s been hard. I miss him soo much it’s been almost 2 months. The kids miss him the dog.. ugh trying to get used to it but do you ever? I miss my better half, everything.. been reading and trying to find other hobbies and staying busy with work & school. Hang in there everyone, we are not alone. They’ll be home soon hopefully *fingers crossed*