MilSpouse Life
She turned her head towards me and uttered the words I dreaded most, “You knew what you were getting into right?”
I always hate getting asked this question because, in a way, I did know what military life would be like–frequent moves, separations and the overall feeling that life is a like a revolving door.
But at the same time, I didn’t REALLY know. Take marriage, for example: you have an idea what your relationship will be like years later, but you don’t fully grasp it until he’s covered your entire house in gear vomit for the third time this week.
The same goes for parenting. You can read all the books on toddler discipline and prepare for ages, but nothing really prepares for a toddler flinging poop at your head you until you experience it first hand.
Another perfect example is going to college and landing your first job. You study and plan to knock your first job out of the park, but inevitably, you will fall down, make mistakes and have customers “question your abilities.”
(photo credit: Sgt. Joshua Spalding / DVIDS)
This is life.
It’s filled with unexpected surprises each and every step of the way. Before becoming a military wife, these are 47 things I never thought about…
- The first deployment is a brutal shock to the system.
- Each subsequent deployment or separation will turn you into a bag of nerves, despite adequate planning, prep and support.
- Deployments don’t get easier, you simply gain more tools to cope with deployment separations.
- You will spend nearly the entire time at your current duty station speculating about where you will go next.
- Someone will ask for your address history and you will nearly pass out.
- Your ID card will become an extension of your body. Without it, you’ll feel lost.
- At some point, you’ll get a citation for not pulling your weeds, cutting your grass or leaving a stroller outside your door when living on base housing.
- Learning acronyms and abbreviations will become your second language.
- Some duty stations will feel like the worst place EVER, right until you meet your BFF…two months before your rotation date.
- Patriotism will root itself deep into your heart.
- Getting your taxes done at the base tax center will be the scariest thing you do all year.
- You will travel insane distances to see your friends and family back home.
- On top of that, you’ll drive 8 hours to see your service member for 3 hours and this will seem normal.
- You’ll spend the majority of your time as a military spouse either unemployed or underemployed.
- People will say a lot of silly things to you like…“I could never do what you do.” And you will find a way to answer with grace and tact.
- Homecoming will feel like falling in love on a blind date. First comes the honeymoon phase, and then it just gets awkward.
- You’ll make a plan only to make a new plan over and over again.
- Something will always break down during deployment. Always.
- At some point, you will feel lonely and wonder what in the world you are doing with your life.
- Military life will take you to the highest of highs and lowest of lows emotionally.
- Your ability to handle tough situations will rise exponentially.
- Attending the annual military ball will feel like prom…for adults.
- PCS stickers will remain on your furniture indefinitely. They’re everywhere!
- Something extraordinarily important to you will receive major damage during a PCS move or it will get lost completely.
- You will try to explain your life as a military wife to a civilian and they won’t get it.
- The family readiness group is going to help you when you least expect it.
- Any savings you get from the commissary will get cancelled out by all the rotten produce they sell you.
- Moving overseas will give you a panic attack, but then you’ll do it and actually love it.
- Having a pet will complicate your life …from finding a pet-friendly home to securing a safe place to kennel your fur baby.
- Finding a homecoming outfit will take an ungodly amount of time.
- Upon arriving to the military base gate, you’ll either forget your ID card completely or you’ll hand them a credit card.
- The number of long-distance friendships you maintain will far exceed the number of friends living in your current duty station.
- Determining the perfect time to start a family will feel like advanced college calculus.
- Talking about possible funeral arrangements, living wills and military widow death benefits will happen early in your relationship.
- You’ll get pregnant and he’ll announce he’s leaving on deployment…right before your due date.
- Military gear will take over your entire home before and after every deployment.
- People you barely know in the military community will do extraordinary things for you at the drop of a hat.
- Your heart will feel an overwhelming sense of pride each time someone thanks your service member for his sacrifice and service.
- Amazing friendships doesn’t even begin to describe the relationships you will form with other spouses.
- Taking calls at 3 am from halfway around the world will seem normal.
- After living in the same place for 3 years, you’ll be itching to move again.
- You’ll have a good deployment meltdown at least once every deployment.
- Reinventing yourself will become an annual thing.
- Hearing gunshots and bombs won’t phase you even a little bit.
- Resilience, strength and courage will become the core of who you are as a person.
- Your military marriage will grow apart and back together over and over again, and it will turn you into one helluva strong couple.
- It’ll be hard, challenging, make you want to quit and piss you off royally, but in the end, you be so glad you did it.
Want more on military life?
- Are Military Spouses Unknowingly Violating OPSEC?
- How to Find a Stunning Military Ball Dress for Under $100
- The Most Surprising Thing You’ll Miss During Deployment
- One Phrase That Will Reconnect Your Military Marriage
#48- Not all spouses are wives. 😉
Being a military spouse gives me a huge sense of security. I think it has helped our family flourish in ways not possible without. Difficult at times, that is just life. At least I know my husband won’t get fired tmrw!
Some of these are what I’ve experienced but not all. I don’t have friends. I can’t seem to get pregnant. I’m unemployed because the process for Government work takes too long. I’ve been waiting almost 5 months now. I have a degree in Environmental Science. I was married at 36 so to me the whole military ball thing with some wives is ridiculous. Very juvenile. Anyway, I’m not a typical woman so maybe that’s why I don’t have some of these problems.
I’d love to be your friend, then. All of this seems so childish.
I have military boyfriend and I’m preparing myself to be his wife…thank you for the guidelines…
Currently we’re in 4 years of relationship and still counting..❤
I agree!!!!
I was a military spouse for 17 yrs. I am also an Army BRAT.
There are so many positives about being a military spouse.
You travel, rearrange your home 100+ times, you redecorate on a super small budget, you trade furniture with other spouses who are doing the same thing, you form a babysitting co-OP, you venture out and of the bases to get to know your new home, there are baby groups, tdy trips, you role play when your spouse returns from their tdy/deployment, take a second honeymoon, date nights/days at home, and many more things a military spouse does and can do.
I have a question? My boyfriend is in the airforce. He says he needs my banking info so I can be profiled is this normal ?
You will have multiple affairs during deployments, you will decide to get a divorce and tell him while he’s still deployed because you need to live your best life….
So, you’re able to go on rotations?
I love this article, me and my husband are active duty and believe me when I say it’s pretty tough. Either he’s on the go or I’m on the go. MACP is great but thats if the Army wants to do it in time, he was on orders to Japan and while I thought it was going to possibly work (orders to Japan are very rare) I got put on assignment to Ft Riley. It was heartbreaking. The thought of being separated was scary. But pulling a few strings through my chain of command managed to get the same orders. But I love being a wife as much as I love to defend my country. Continuing to be strong is all you got sometimes!
hi my name is paula i was wondering if i could ask you some questions as i have met a soilder from usa army and we have been talking for months but before i contiune my relationship with him i need some questions answered first hope you can help sorry to have bothered you hope you dont mind
I was a military wife for 20 years. US Navy. We’ve been retired from the Navy for 26 years…I say WE on purpose. This author pretty much got it right. With all that said, we miss the life everyday. The friends we have from each of his duty stations are still friends. When we see them, it’s like we saw them last week. Our children grew up with deployments, the commissary, travel, moving, and so much more. They have grown into fine adults. At first I hated the deployments, but through the years that feeling turned into more of a begrudging one. I learned to turn deployments into opportunities and grew stronger because of them. The stories I could tell! In fact, there’s WAY too much togetherness now that we’re both retired. WAY TOO MUCH!! :LOL
How is one to understand the new navy man relationship…and that they just want hook ups with no strings attached…cause all the other previous gals carnt cope with deployments…us this fair to lump all us girls in this…
How can this attitude be readjusted….from your point of view from your long history of navy life…regards m..
I am the proud wife of a 23 year veteran, who after retiring from active duty spent another 20 years as a DOD employee.
We live in a neighborhood that had three other couples
Living in the same nrighborhood.
We have friends that have lasted forever. We became
parents together, raised our children to adulthood, and now
we have retired, collecting Social Security, and now
we are watching our grandkids, and in some cases
great grandkids grow.
Being military or married into it is a great experience
and an adventure. We miss it, especially the people we
call friends.
Thank you for this beautifully written article. I am brand new to this way of life as my husband leaves for basic training in less than 3 weeks. I look forward to this learning experience.
Thanks for sharing Kayla. Great to have you here!
You have a great list! I’ve only been a military wife for less than a year and I’m still learning so many new things. But I’m realizing that though there are so many shocking and hard experiences, there are plenty of good.
Oh man…. all so true. If you aren’t a fairly independent and self sufficient person you will need to learn to be to cope with the deployments and TDY’s. I had to order a new motor and install it in our vacuum and order and install new inlet valve on the washer last deployment and I was so thankful my dad taught me how to be very handy with tools. The job situation is so complicated so I have turned to creating sweat equity in my home to keep me occupied and feeling productive. I tiled the downstairs,, painted half the rooms, remodeled the downstairs bathroom, built new gates, and landscaped the front yard last deployment. Maybe if we’re lucky next pcs when we will likely sell this home I will get enough back out of it to offset my lack of a job in this location.
There is nothing to be proud of about being a military spouse. My husband has been in the military for 11 years, and yet I’m beyond proud of HIM as an individual…I’m not proud of us being in the military. I absolutely hate every bit of it. It is the WORST! If I could go back in time and stop my husband from resigning that stupid contract I would love for us to have NORMAL jobs and live NORMAL lives! I hate everything about the military.
1. I hate how complicated everything is, dealing with TriCare is a bitch.
2. I hate that they move you around from place to place like puppets
3. I hate how they rip families apart, they don’t pay enough money to put us through what we go through. In fact, no job can pay enough for that.
The list goes on, there’s just so much about it that I hate. No bright side. Hate it all! I would never encourage anyone to join. In fact my nephew almost did, glad to say I played a role in him not joining. It’s not worth it. Absolutely sucks!
You must find a sense of pride. You are serving our great nation. Isn’t that a good thing? What is NORMAL anyway?!
I am a woman in the military and my husband is in the military. Kelly, please do not dis-encourage people from not joining based off of YOUR experience. Did you not know that your husband was joining the military? These are your feelings and your’re entitled to them but once again, let others choose to serve without your negative influences based off what you have gone through. I don’t tell wives “thank you for your service”…I simply say “thank you for your sacrifices”. It’s a hard job but it can be rewarding.
I was an Army. wife for 14 years I also worked for the army myself I loved my army life my husband did 22 yrs. I would do every bit of it over again in a heartbeat. I was the opposite I could and still can’t Or my husband. couldn’t. get used to civilian life I miss my military life my friends my job which was more like family to me military was more like home and family I made some terrific friends agent and lived in some terrific places I’m proud to have been apart of that military family that once your a part of Always a part of
Just like being active duty, being a military spouse isn’t for everyone. I’ve been half of an active duty couple, a military wife AND the service member with a dependent spouse. They all have their issues and, certainly not everyone likes it or can handle it.
It is my opinion that there needs to be clear expectations set before embarking into being a military spouse to avoid this kind of resentment towards the left style. For me I have nothing but encouragement for those who wish to become wives and husbands to those serving our great nation. Moving every 2-3 years is HARD! Yes, but if you are open minded, can sacrifice, and have strong morals and will you can grow to be a person who equip to handle the ever changing lifestyle.
That being said be prepared to have both a “hate” journal AND a “blessings” journal. It is not always great, but it is always rewarding.
So glad you advised ur nephew against it! The military is the worst. Giving ur life away for nothing.
Good for you for saying the truth! The spouses living the milspouse lifestyle… my goodness. On top of all of the things you mentioned, there is THAT insanity. The best thing you can do really is live off base/post, skip ALL things military. They dont own you. Only your spouse. Doing this has been a lfiesaver for me. I did TRY to get rid of Tricare, but that somehow requires removal from DEERS. I don’t NEED a stupid ID card. I don’t go on base. However, they wont let us MOVE when they make us move without being in DEERS. I just pay the medical insurance from my OWN job, and ignore Tricare…and whatever fresh hell they are doing. There is no diginity nor pride that comes along with being a spouse. RUN from it. Create your life without it. I love my husband and I support him, but the military owns HIM no me and the children. Just don’t let them railroad you and the worst you will have to deal with is the moving. Ignore them in all other respects.
I love your honesty just like the lead post. I think a lot of the wife’s seem shallow from the outside looking in. My husband is joining and I will be off base for sure.
I am an ex military wife. I say ex because I was forced to be an ex. My ex decided to take a new road and that’s why I say ex but besides that I have to say that been-a military wife was awesome! I traveled, learned new things, met great people and learn so much, I met so many wonderful people that and I am still friends with them, One of my neighbors became a General not to long ago. I have great experiences and I did learn so much. I have no regrets. I will encourage anyone to enjoy this journey. I didn’t have a good ending but it wasn’t because of the military it was the person, the human being. So, if you are a military wife, I will advise you and encourage you to learn, enjoy, and take advantage of every single moment and every opportunity. You won’t regret it. I am very grateful of the experience and believe me I recommended to all of you.
Hi all,am dating a military guy for 6 months ,he wanna marry after he purchase his house,I love him so much but am scared 🙁 when I think of how it’s gonna be
I love reading your posts. I have been reading them for over a year now and I always seem to find comfort. My boyfriend will be a Marine recruit in 16 days and I have never been more terrified and proud at the same time.
My husband will be becoming a navy recruit soon, and I have so many mixed emotions about this. I am so proud of him, but so scared at the same time. I have never experienced military life because none of my parents were ever military. I am so used to being home and with people that I know, that moving around makes me nervous even if it is exciting. These posts have helped, but some of the comments worry me :c I knew what I was getting myself into but still.. I just hope that I have an amazing experience.
This is like reading what my life is. I love being a Navy wife.
We’ve been apart for over three years with the occasional
week here and there.
When civilians say “I could never do that” — Well, no one
asked to you, and you’re so weak you definitely couldn’t.
I want to slap them as well. =)
Any advise for finally living together? It’s going to happen
in a couple of months. I’ve been so independent the last
three years–doing whatever I want at any time. It’s going
to be an adjustment.
Jules-thank you for your service. Ppl should never say what they can and can’t do because we never know until we’re in that situation. That said. Civilians are far from weak. Some people just can’t imagine being separated from their significant other for long extensions.
Thank you so much for your honesty and encouragement! I am a newlywed USMC wife and my husband and I have been so blessed this past year with very slow training. I say blessed because I know our future will hold many challenges with deployments, moving, distance from friends and family, and just life in general. It has been a blessing to spend the first couple of months together in a wonderful extended honeymoon! I’m hopeful our military experience will be positive. As a former classical teacher and political lobbyist, the unemployment truth is hard. But I’m finding the opportunity to volunteer is refreshing. I’ve also started a little blog called “Pearls of History” (pearlsofhistory.com). I’d love to hear any tips you may have!!
One thing I still don’t know how it is going to work is kids and with that, I mean giving birth. I’ve heard horror stories about Navy hospitals. Do you have any advice or wisdom in preparing for little ones, finding doctors, and my biggest fear–moving during pregnancies!?!
My boyfriend broke up with me 2 months ago, because he felt I was cheating on him with a male friend of mine. I tried all I could to explain to him but he paid deaf ears, I was emotionally devastated because I really loved him. I became very worried and needed help. as i was browsing through the internet, I came across a website that suggested that Dr.Unity can help get ex back fast and stop a divorce or breakup and so on. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and told him my problems and he told me what to do and i did it and he did a Love spell for me. 11 hours later, my boyfriend came back to me and apologized for the wrongs he did and promise never to do it again. Ever since then, everything has returned back to normal. Me and my boyfriend are living together happily again. Thank you Dr Unity for saving my broken relationship and brought my boyfriend back to me. If you have any problem contact him and i guarantee you that he will help you. Here’s his contact: Email him at: Unityspelltemple @ gmail. com
Don’t fear the tax center! It’s the most painless tax experience I’ve ever had and will miss it when we’re out of the military. ?
My fiancé and I met online, I flew down to Fort Bliss to meet him before he left for a 9 month deployment in South Korea, he’s back and now in Drill school, then off to Fort Benning.I live in Canada, our whole relationship has been long distance, 1.5 years so far. It’s been a constant learning curve, tryin to find time to chat, date nights on face time etc. Planning vacations with the little time he has to plan them, expensive flights because, you know, it’s always last minute that they get the dates of leave etc. I wouldn’t change any of these things for the world because he’s amazing. It’s taught me so much about myself and about him, I always just say ‘on to our next adventure babe!’
PCS sticker EVERYWHERE!! Ha! And currently speculating on a move that will not even happen for a year. I agree with much of this list. Although, I haven’t and will not ever attend a ball.
Military spouse life certainly is not for everyone. It takes courage to devote much of yourself and your life to a person who’s career will overshadow every decision you make. After three moves, one deployment and five career changes I feel I have more life experience then a woman double my age. It’s uplifting to be reminded I am not alone in this life choice. Its highly rewarding if you can be flexible and optimistically adventurous in every situation that comes your way.
My husband wants to re-enlist after he knows how hard it was for me and he knows i don’t want him to. He’s terrible at communication when he’s away and I can’t handle it. I feel like he’s choosing to be away from his family and like he’d rather be gone. He always talks about how much he loved deployment and it was miserable for me. I see him wanting to go the full twenty and I don’t know how to handle that. Is what i’m feeling wrong? I tried to be supportive for the first enlistment but after he knows how hard it was for me this sort of hurts to feel like he just is going to do what he wants. Help.
Honestly this is what I’m worried about I don’t feel my boyfriend would be that inconsiderate to Denise my feelings especially when we have children, but I can’t predict the future I don’t feel your wrong for feeling this way I would as well it’s never good hearing about how your partner enjoys something that causes you anxiety or misery bc you miss them in the process. I would say pray & stay strong for your family this can’t last forever focus on things that make you happy instead of dwelling on what clearly makes him happy. Don’t forget about you love! I am a Class A CDL driver & I knew I wanted to do this because it gives me my space & sense of freedom so he can miss me too! You gave to find balance & independency in your co dependency
I’m a military wife now. I’m married to an Army gentleman. He’s in basic right now and this has been so hard. Its been 2 months and I have been crying often. Hes a terrible commicator when he’s away. And I need to commicate certain things with him. I’m scared. I don’t know what to expect. I’m very upset right now that I even decided to do this life with him. But I love him. I’m only almost 2 months in and he’s just in basic so..I can’t say much now other than it is hard emotionally and can mess with your mind a lot. My advice is to make sure your relationship is solid before going this route. Even then hiw can you be so sure? Don’t do it if you’re an emotional woman like me. On the flipside sometimes a man needs a woman like that who can feel his pain from miles away and be discerning enough to be able to offer a sense of comfort. Make sure you discuss finances, emotional feelings, and try to get on the same page. Try to remember why you fell in love. Do whats best for you.
First of all thank you ALL for your service, military personnel and their spouses and families. I was an ex-pat wife for 20+ years (still married just no longer packing my bags) and there are a number of similarities in the corporate expat life and the military family postings overseas. A lot of what you say rings true for me too. I am an artist, currently working on a series of paintings of women of iron and I truly believe the wives of military men fall into this category. You are left behind to deal with problems on your own but expected to hand the reins over when they guys reappear. You pack you bags and follow where the career goes. You are often a single parent. You have to conform to expected behaviors and comport yourself in a manner befitting the uniform even though you don’t wear one. Kudos to you all.
Lauren, IF I ever finish this series and exhibit it, I would love some input from a military wife on the write up I plan to post with the paintings. Any chance you would be interested? You are welcome to PM me if you have questions or any advice. 🙂
I’m not sure if I’m late to the party or whatnot but my husband left for Navy boot camp 3 days ago and it has been really difficult. I’m not really sure how to make friends or find others in the same situation especially ones who are as young as I am since my husband and I just got married right when I turned 18. I’ve found this website really helpful but I was wondering if anyone had advice about where to find support or people who know what I’m going through to talk to.
How about adding another item as to what no one tells you about being a military wife……that the very people that you live among, retirees in many cases, Marine retirees, esp female, or female retiree spouses….are jealous and hateful towards a military widow.
Never ever in my wildest dreams have I ever seen such a backbiting environment…..and be it with civilians too. Depends on the character and them being content with their own lives…..but it is truly an eye awakening life. So beware…..nothing you can ever do will change these people, they just never see the loss, but see the money and benefits as THE reason of hating a military widow.
My fiancé is in AIT training right now, and we’re getting married once he’s stationed and processed into his unit. I already miss him terribly, even though our relationship has always been long-distance, with him living in Colorado and me in Missouri. I have severe anxiety and depression, and I’m really nervous about how long periods of time away from him are going to affect both me and our relationship in the long-run. I’m really proud of him and I love him so much, but I also know how much even a few weeks is taking out of me. Do you have any advice on how to cope with this separation anxiety?
Me and my boyfriend have been dating a few months and we plan on getting married so he doesn’t have to live on base in the barracks. I love him and will do anything for his comfort and so he feels supported. My only worry is not receiving that back seeing as I also have a career. I am a CDL driver and I love being on the road we keep this country moving just like the keep us alive and safe! It’s a nice balance but when I think about kids I think I want to stay home and I want my husband with me… he doesn’t seem to want to stay in super long but I can tell it makes him happy in a way it makes him feel accomplished and he’s already been in 3 years. I’m naturally not a clingy female but with him I’ve been a total different person I am truly in love with him he makes me so happy and I love that I make him happy. He deserves a submissive and loving woman in his life and I want to be that. I never had a lot of relationships to use as a guide for this one so sometimes I feel like I’m just going on a whim and maybe I am moving too fast but I have hope we will stay communicating strong. He’s in Fayetteville Nc and I’m currently in Raleigh that’s a hour away we ping pong back n forth but rn he’s going back to work with the military and is out of school. And I’m currently training to go OTR for my job driving it’s a process because I just want to live with him already but Ik once he gets deployed to Dubai at the end of this year I will be alone again…. so I guess I should just get accustomed now. I rlly pray everyday that we continue to talk the way we do because I will do anything for him and I have so many talents and a great job to keep me busy I just don’t want to have this plan in my head that he veers from because he decides to stay in the military longer than what we discussed. I’m planning on trying to start a trucking business with him though and clothing line so he doesn’t have to think the military is his only and final duty!