MilSpouse Life
You probably don’t know this, but when my husband and I were first dating, I actually asked him to get out of the military.
I saw a future with him.
I saw marriage with him.
And nowhere in that equation did being a military wife exist.
Because as a child of multiple divorces (Yes, both my parents divorced twice. Once from each other, and once each from a second marriage), I knew what every marriage goes up against—the tough stuff.
image by PO1 Jon Rasmussen, identified by DVIDS
I saw military life as a huge barrier to a successful marriage. From deployments to moving all the time to the consequences of war, military life takes regular everyday marriage problems and catapults them towards troubled waters.
Well, at least in my mind that’s what I was thinking.
My husband and I broke up for a period of time over the whole military thing. I wanted him to get out, and he wanted to stay. In the same breath, he wanted me to leave my life behind to follow him, and of course, I wanted to stay.
Neither one of us wanted to leave behind the life that we loved.
After being separated for a period of time, I was in a very dark place. Miserable without him, it was easy for me to see that civilian life without him was FAR WORSE than any military life with him.
That was the beginning of my journey into this military wife and mom life. That was the moment I decided to put on my big girl panties and do this military life thing. Maybe you’ve felt that moment too. The moment when you realize you’re not just gonna tough this thing out, you’re gonna rock this!
And that’s why being a military wife is so hard…
Because you have to put on your big girl panties—A LOT.
Being a Military Wife is Hard Because….
You’ve got to hold it together when your service member leaves to work in a really dangerous place for months on end or more.
You’ve got to be okay with moving half way around the world from your family.
You’ve got to be okay with your service member missing all the special stuff like birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, or gasp….the birth of your child.
You’ve got to be okay with putting your career on the back burner sometimes because moving all over the place and maintaining a career isn’t as easy as it looks.
You’ve got to be okay with letting go some of the control in your life because Lord knows the military is going to make some big life decisions for you.
You’ve got to be okay with leaving close friends and family behind while you start a new life.
You’ve got to be okay with having a courthouse wedding when you really wanted a big one because military life or a deployment prevented it from working out that way.
You’ve got to be okay with facing way more drama in the military community than you ever wished.
You’ve got to be okay with parenting alone and feeling lonely sometimes.
You’ve got to be okay with making new friends over and over and over again.
You’ve got to be okay with spending as much of your marriage apart as you do together.
You’ve got to be okay with talking about death, dying, and the traumatic effects of war.
You’ve got to be okay with finding the positive in the midst of really, really hard.
You’ve got to be okay choosing happiness in the midst of some really challenging circumstances.
And you will be okay…
Because you are strong, resilient and tougher than even YOU imagine at this very moment.
But it’s all of these things, and so much more, that make life as a military wife so hard sometimes. Because you never realize how many big girl panties you are gonna need until you are neck deep into this whole thing.
It’s a lot of big girl panties.
It’s just a lot.
Want more on military life?
- 3 Telltale Signs You’re Friends With an Awesome Military Spouse
- 18 Ways Military Life Changes You for the Better
- The One Thing You Miss Most During Deployment
- 7 Myths About Military Life Debunked
How do you work through the challenges of military life? Let’s chat in the comments!
Oh man, Lauren, I never thought of it this way. I mean, I always knew you were awesome and a champion but now I feel like I really get it.
You and your peers are soldiers yourselves, and you are heroes! You’re my hero! Woohoo, go you!
Brittany
Yeah, I was in a MilSpouse funk when I wrote this, ha! Thanks for your encouragement.
Lauren
You are soooo spot on. Not only did I hit a lot of these things already, but to add to the mix, we’ve only been married 1 month, both of our second marriages, but all I have had since that date is trouble and getting the run-a-round from the unit to medical situations, etc. To add to that, I am a veteran, so I should know all this, right? Wrong! I got out 15 years ago, next spring. Never, as an active duty soldier did I have to go through remotely anything close to dealing with id cards, medical coverage, transportation. To add to all of that. My husband came down on orders before we got married, to Japan. AND so we had to hurry and do a courthouse wedding, he went to Japan and is now seeking command sponsorship for us, coming back to the states to have a ceremony, AND THEN we are moving to Japan. I am 41, my daughter is mid high school, and my parents are older, in their mid 70’s. Moving to Japan is not an easy thing for any of us. So, Im dealing with soooooo many moving parts and attitudes from those who think, “you should already know all of this”. Please give me some words of wisdom. And I am definitely blogging this because no one should every have to navigate this land mine without help.
oh yeah, and did I mention I work 10 hour days in a call center during the week and run my own business on the weekends? while taking care of a teenager neck deep in after school clubs! ugh!
So I just got engaged and my fiancee (I believe I spelled that correctly lol ) and he’s in Fort Leonardwood. We’re supposed to get married when he comes home for the holidays. He leaves January 3rd. How does the whole living on base thing work? I’m so new to all this I have no idea what to expect? Can anyone help? Thank you. ?
I am so sorry I wish I could help you but I’m also new to this, I’m engaged also and my fiance, is station in Syria he be home before Christmas, so all I can say to you is good luck and I hope everything turn out good for the both of us…
Hi Rose my name is Lisa I am also a feiance to he has been gone seen May 1sy of 2017 and I have been up and down with mixed emotios and don’t have any support from my family so if u would like to talk that would help
I am dealing with this struggle right now; and he doesn’t seem to realize how much of ‘me’ is put on hold or changed because of his aspirations. I am about to pull the plug because I can’t stand waiting around all of the time, unable to pursue careers or education due to constantly moving, not able to build and maintain strong friendships, and being so far from my family who I have always been close to. He just doesn’t and will never see what this life is like form the other side.
You’ve definitely helped me validate the way I feel tonight. Thank you
My boyfriend of 2 years and i are getting married in the next year or so.. But he wants to joun the Navy… How do i cope with this when i want him happy. But i also cant see a life without him.. I want to support him and be there but how do i go about it if hes just in for 2-3 years??
Hi there my name is Ashley and I am a military girlfriend and my marine boyfriend been texting and he told to stop texting him. Is that a broke up or i don’t know what is can you help me ?
I’ve been doing research on military wife. My husband is really thinking about joining. We have 2 kids. He’s 25 and ready to have a career. Would you recommend us going in? I don’t even know if you will get this since this post was years ago
YES YES YES. I love the way you wrote this; It TRULY sums up in one sentence why being a military spouse can be so incredibly challenging. I agree with every word. Thanks for this! It totally validates the struggles I’ve been feeling lately.
Thanks so much for your encouraging words! This post has resonated with a lot of military spouses and I’ve been so surprised to get all this positive feedback. I think as a military spouse community, one thing that really unites us is our ability to overcome a lot of challenging circumstances. Thank so much for leaving such an awesome comment, Erica!
Lauren
Lauren,
Your blogs have been so incredibly helpful to me! I am a new military girlfriend and I am still trying to understand how this life works. My boyfriend has just been deployed to Iraq and it has been hard knowing that he is mentally checked out. Any advice for a new military girlfriend? I’m not sure how to best support him. He definitely feels guilty for asking me to wait for him but I am willing to do whatever it takes. Any advice would be much appreciated! 🙂
-Emylee
Fantastic post. My husband and I broke up while we were dating for the same reasons too. And we got back together for the same reasons as you. Even though this life can be really difficult, getting to be married to my man is worth it. I’ve been really stressed and freaked and sad lately because he’s PCSing to Korea soon, without me. And this post reminded me that it’s worth it. Thanks!
Tiffany, that’s so encouraging to hear you say that you broke up and got back together for the same reasons. We live in Okinawa! So I completely relate…it IS super stressful. But now that we are here, we truly love it. It really is just getting over here that is a royal PIA. Thanks for leaving such an encouraging comment!
Lauren
I am newer to this lifestyle and I must say it truly is a world of it’s own! I am having a hard time coming to terms with putting my career and personal growth on the back burner.. I feel like I am giving up on myself and the aspirations I had set forth myself, personal growth and success.
Everyday feels like an internal fight, my heart fights itself. Him on one half and my career/family the other half…
Help and encouraging words would be great. I pray daily God helps lead me to where I will live my best life..
Thank you, Lauren, for sharing a piece of your heart! I think these are things we all should be aware of and think about as we interact with military families. Love this piece. Shared!!
Thanks for sharing. It seems to really resonate with a lot of people in the military community. It’s awesome to know that so many people are enjoying this post.
Lauren
Definitely so true! I’m an Army wife. Met my husband freshmen year of collage and knew he was going to be in the Army. I knew I could handle it but didn’t truly know what I was going to face. We graduated college, got married 2 weeks later, he left for training 2 weeks after we got back from our honeymoon, and then deployed 2 mths after we were finally together again for a 15 mth deployment. We have been apart for more or equal amount of a time as we have been together in our 8 yrs of marriage and his career. 3 deployments, training, trips when he was an aid to a General… it’s been fun. Missed the birth of our 1st child when he left for his 3rd deployment when I was 30 weeks pregnant. Talk about a hormonal roller coaster. It can be a rough, lonely life but like you said, you got to put those big girl panties on and push through. It takes a strong person to be a military wife. Everyone definitely isn’t cut our for it!
OH… and while we were dating, he didn’t think I could handle this life and tried to break up with me. I told him let me the one to decide that and refused. LOL He always says he is thrilled I refused way back when.
Ha. Love that!
Thanks for sharing your story Allison. Dang, I can’t tell you how awesome it is to receive such encouraging comments on this post. I honestly wasn’t going to even hit the publish button because I thought I was being depressing and stupid, lol. So really, you just made my whole week by sharing. It is tough, but I do think it is totally worth it. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. We are stationed in Japan now and having the time of our lives.
Lauren
Awesome post, Lauren. You are a mommy warrior!
I’ll be honest and say that sometimes I do feel that way! Other times, I’m a hobbling mess! So there ya go! Thanks for the encouragement 🙂
Thank you for this post Lauren!
I believe the military lifestyle is one of the most challenging and rewarding lifestyles. You have so beautifully written about the challenges and how it is so worth it! My husband and all of our opportunities brought on by the military have been worth all the tears through the worrying, feeling lonely, giving up my career, and moving thousands of miles away from our loved ones. It has all been worth it. Who would have ever thought we would live in England and have the opportunity to travel Europe? Not me! Although, I still count down to retirement day. 😉 LOL.
Yes, yes, yes. Completely agree with everything you are saying here. We are really enjoying our time in Japan, but when our MilLife is over I think I will be ready for sure. It is definitely worth it despite all of the challenges. I can see doing a count down…we have a lot of years ahead. At least a decade. But I know when it happens, I will look back and think about how fast it went.
Lauren
Yes x a million. Anyone who says that military life isn’t hard is either lying, crazy, or is a superhero. It doesn’t mean that it’s harder than what other people go through or that we’re martyrs, just that it’s hard. And if you fool yourself at the beginning and think it’ll be a walk in the park, you’re not being honest with yourself or the life you’re about to lead.
Yes, I so appreciate what you are saying here. And that’s part of the reason that I initially (and selfishly) ask my husband to get out of the military. I didn’t think I was strong enough to handle it and I was trying to be honest with myself. But I think when you really love someone, you can handle a lot more than you can think, which is of course why I changed my mind. A growing experience for a young woman for sure.
Lauren
I so understand this as my whole relationship has been with him away except the first 2 months. Now the Army won”t let him retire as he is too important for them.( what about me and his sons)
Regenia,
Yes, isn’t that one of the hardest parts of military life? Sometimes we are made to feel less important than a job. I often ask myself the same question. I think a lot of military spouses do the same. We are a really strong and patient group of people…that is one thing I know for sure.
Lauren
Military spouses are heroes,too! THANK YOU for your service as well!
Thanks for the encouragement TJ. You are awesome!
Lauren
I agree with all of what you said but one big thing missing is the one thing so many of us truly and quietly worry about which I got to experience along with my daughter who is also now married to a military man INFIDELITY…..it takes a lot to trust and have faith in your military man/woman to be faithful and sometimes they aren’t
Yes, that is so true. And it’s another reason that I hesitated for a while to take the military life leap. I’m so glad that I did but the circumstances, in which military marriages are face, require A LOT of trust and commitment.
Lauren,
Thanks for your words of truth. From a military husbands perspective, sometimes we husbands forget the sacrifices our Brides make and this reminds me how wonderful my wife is and the sacrifices she makes. We do the deployments, get the warm welcomes when we return, and are the focus of the family. Yet, shes the one who supports the family. Its hard work and I appreciate what she does. Thanks for the reminder.
Thanks for writing such a positive comment Trevor. When I wrote this post, I never in a million years thought it would strike such a chord in the military community. I’m blown away by how incredibly positive everyone has been about this. Thanks for your encouraging words.
Lauren
Fabulous post. And I so agree. It’s TOUGH. My husband has deployed again and it’s just this never ending feeling of emptiness. Also, I have a lot of stuff, so moving every few years can also be hard.
The majority of the time, I truly enjoy our military life and we are afforded so many blessings and unique opportunities from it. But yes, some days are really tough and you have to work through that. Thanks for stopping by, Amber.
Lauren
Great Post, and so true! I have been a Military spouse for 16 years now, we married when we were 18. It has been hard being a spouse of someone in the Marine Corps, but I wouldn’t change a thing about our life. We are now stationed in South Africa, which has been great, but also very hard being so far away from family and friends. I am happy to have a break from deployments. Last duty station we had 3 deployments in the 3 years that we were there, now that was tough. Looking forward to what is in store for us next. Take care! Michele
Hey Michele,
Thanks for sharing a bit about yourself. One of the most empowering things is hearing all of the unique circumstances spouses are able to overcome and maintain a positive attitude. Now looking back I wonder why I really hesitated, I do love military life, and in many ways it’s been such a blessing for us. It is definitely hard but it also a rewarding journey.
Lauren
I appreciate the spirit of your post, and have definitely experienced many of the challenges you highlight here. However, I have to respectfully disagree with your claim that we military spouses have to “be okay” with any of these challenges. I would argue that using such language can put even more pressure on military families to “get over” the myriad challenges that come our way. These challenges suck, and while I’m not “okay” with most of them, I do (for the most part), rise to the occasion and get through the tough times with as much patience and grace as possible. And military spouses don’t have to put their careers on hold – this is a choice for each family to make, given their goals and resources. I’m on my fourth year of a PhD, and my husband and I have lived in separate states for the duration of my studies. We miss each other terribly, but we spend as much time as we can together, with the understanding that there are sacrifices to be made in order for us both to live life to its full potential and to nurture the gifts and talents we’ve both been blessed with. I think, instead of telling others what a military spouse needs to “be okay with”, we should simply highlight the diversity of military families and the amazing adaptations that we may go through. Certainly not all families will face the same challenges, and individual differences will likely dictate how the challenges are perceived and experienced. Cheers to you and your family, and to all military spouses who are as happy with this chaotic life as I am! <3
Hey Ashley,
I actually really agree with what you are saying here, and you are not the first military spouse to share a comment similar to this. I agree that focusing on our diversity and adaptations as a community is so important. That is my blog’s writing focus the majority of the time. 90 percent of the time, I love military life. I wouldn’t trade it for the world despite the challenges. When I wrote this back in November, I never really thought about publishing it. It was just kind of how I was feeling on a whim. After 2 months, I published it and was really surprised by how popular this article became. In the midst of their ability to adapt and stay positive, maybe military spouses are looking for validation that they are struggling right now…I can’t say for sure. Thank you for leaving such a thoughtful and respectful comment despite the fact that you disagreed with the article. Cheers to you and your family and to all military spouses as well!
Lauren
It’s a very different world today than when I was the active duty military wife of the Vietnam era. Yes we had the same things as mentioned in the original post. We didn’t have all of the electronic connections of today that make life easier it was just snail mail and an occasional MARS phone call that you could hear your husband’s voice. Otherwise it was the collect phone call at 3am from a distant country that got disconnected several times.
Being a military wife was a woman who was an independent person who could cope on her own and not be a clinging vine. You were able to make snap judgment calls when things broke or the kids or dog were sick. You grew your own network of women to help you get through the deployments and many of them are still in my life to this day.
I put down roots at my first duty station and they were so hard to pull up that I don’t have any down where I live now and that is 40 some years later. It kind of feels like home but it is not and I can’t tell you where home would be since I have lived half way around the world and back.
Your family of origin does not understand you as a wife because of all of the changes and experiences you have had in your life. Many times it feels like they are in a time warp where time stood still. This also applies to hometown friends. You have had your outlook on life expanded many times over and see things from a different perspective. If you have been stationed overseas you really have a different view of how we are perceived and what the rest of the world thinks of us Americans. You then try to incorporate all of these things and be a new you.
As I look back on the 20 some years of the military wife, I would not change it for the world. When I realized that the moving van was not going to come to my house any more, I cried — go figure that one out. Here a toast to the military wife.
Suzanne,
I really appreciate you leaving such a thoughtful comment and sharing your insight. There are so many more luxuries for military spouses in the present day thanks to technology. I think if we all took a moment to realize what military spouses went through before technology and modern war, it would put many of our current woes in perspective. There are hard days in military life, but there are a lot of really, really great days. For those, this life is so worth it. Thanks again for sharing.
Lauren
Really liked this post Lauren and can relate to so much of it:
My husband left the RAF (about a month ago) after 15/16 years and we are now going through the transitioning- into-normal-life phase, which is a little challenging too!
As you have experienced, we have:
Lived overseas, thousands of miles away from our families- but loved all three years on the sunny Island of Cyprus!
He has missed lots of birthdays; sadly for the children on consecutive years…
We planned our wedding in five weeks, as when we found out he was posted to the Falklands for four months, I didn’t fancy planning a wedding by myself 😉
And so much more!!
And now we are on the other side; I am sure we will miss many of the fabulous experiences, things that money can’t buy, and the lifestyle. But we are also looking forward to the changes too.
Keep enjoying it! Louise
There are some great benefits to living overseas. Missing family is hard, but so far it is a lot of fun too. Military life is hard sometimes, but it is also a really fun and happy experience most of the time. Thanks for sharing.
Lauren
Lauren, I’m reading through your comments and you keep repeating how military life is great “most of the time.” I keep wondering if you say that now to manage perceptions since this blog is online for all to see. I have to ask: how could it be great most of the time if your “partner” isn’t even around 75% of the time to actually be a partner?? I need to know. 75% gone is the case for the SEALS, but I don’t know about your situation. But even when it gets to 50% gone, I don’t see how that’s great “most of the time,” I just don’t and wish I could. Any insight would be appreciated.
Thank you for sharing so many thought provoking comments and questions here in this thread. I can tell you are weighing all this heavily and that’s a good thing! I still say that it’s great “most of the time.” We are currently in the process of moving from Okinawa back to the US. There’s a lot of stress involved, but also a lot of rich experiences. For the past decade my service member has been gone about 50%. 75% is A LOT. A crazy LOT! For me it ultimately came down to feeling and knowing my husband is unequivocally, hands-down my life partner (the one for me). Because of this unique and challenging lifestyle, I’ve gained incredible friendships, ultimate travel, the ability to appreciate and savor, the ability to create a brand new career for myself, and so much more. It’s hard to explain how I fell in love with military life, especially because I resisted it so much. I don’t know. If you were to ask…”Is it worth it?” I would respond with one word: yes.
PS – But to play devil’s advocate, not everyone responds to that question with a yes. It’s based on personal circumstances. I wish there was a magic formula to tell you that would make it “great” or “worth it.” Unfortunately, it depends on so many factors.
Military wife too! Great article thank you
Thanks for reading 🙂
My wife and I were high school sweethearts and married not long after I joined the Army. Due to my ability to get bored so easily, my wife had some worries about my joining up, but she was supportive. This was the first “job”, besides being her man, I had ever taken seriously and enjoyed. As time went by, I found myself taking on the “job” of husband and father while we served. I say “job” because like any work one does, it requires going through some tough times. Difficult and frustrating times, but you stick with it because overall, the “pay” is outstanding.
Of course, the military job wasn’t monetarily outstanding. Not by a long shot. However, the “pay” one receives in each of these “jobs” is about so much more than just money. As a husband, the pay was love, trust, support, intense friendship and so many other awesome things. As a father, it was, well, the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done and like my job as husband, continue to do and will always do.
My wife saw me spend two tours in Korea, multiple combat tours from Panama to Iraq and many other locations. A decade of that time was spent in the SOCOM community, which made life even more hectic for her and the kids. One call and I could be gone for weeks or months and due to the nature of that job, there wouldn’t be any communications. Not even snail mail on many of them. My job in aviation meant that even when not at war, the cost in lives and injuries was still a constant in our marriage. She and I went through the process of losing fellow Soldiers, their wives and kids losing their father and in one instance, a husband and kids losing their mother.
When my wife asked me to go back to the regular Army, there was no long, drawn out conversation about it. I knew why because I had seen her stress and heartbreak over the years. It was an easy decision for me because even though I loved what I was doing at that point, I loved my family more. My wife would never of asked me to get out of the Army altogether, she knew I would be miserable and bored if I did. However, she did ask that reduce my level of danger and after having spent so much time doing that job, I wasn’t going to push my luck any longer.
Then Iraq happened. And everything changed. We lost eight people in one year. Many more wounded to include myself. After an explosion, I was injured. TBI, brain surgery, and a few more years of mostly admin jobs later, I was medically retired at 21 years of service. Throughout all of this, there was ONE constant. My wife and kids. After going through another 20 months of highly stressful times waiting for the VA to come back with a decision after I was retired, my family was still there.
Hell yes we had our tough times over the years. At some points, we both wondered if our marriage was meant to last. But you push through those tough times, learn from your mistakes and continue your walk together. That walk, in the military, sees you both barefoot on a rocky mountain road. Sometimes it’s all uphill, but most of the time, it wasn’t so difficult as to stop our forward momentum. We may of stumbled off the path, but each of us were both there to help the other back onto it. And at some points, give the other a piggyback ride. 🙂
With all of this said, my point is this. My wife is just as much a Veteran as I am in my opinion. The roles she has taken on over the years while I was off in one place or another span the gamut of family, career and social responsibilities. She also earned a degree in business during that time.
Good Lord, I would HATE to go up against a bunch of military wives in combat. Their strength and dedication is something any sane man would be intimidated by. However, with her by my side, there is nothing I cannot do. No fight she and I cannot win. No battle we cannot survive together.
I apologize for this small novel. But I wanted to set the tone for the last thing I want to say.
Military wives, like steel, are made stronger from intense heat. Not all swords are going to survive the heat. But mine, she has thrived in it and maintains an edge and strength I love and respect with all of my heart. Military life is such a tremendously rewarding experience and I thank God my wife and I made the journey together.
Thanks for leaving such a thoughtful comment and sharing your story. Military life is challenging, but it’s also been an amazing blessing to our family and we look forward to the journey in the years to come.
Lauren
Hi TF, thanks for sharing your story. I have to ask– what is so rewarding about a military life for a woman who is in it solely by association to her husband? Unless she has a strong belief about patriotism and “living to serve,”so then she’d enjoy the perceived glory of the association, what’s so rewarding for her to think she found her life partner but still be alone and lonely and not have any help in all those moments that you’re supposed to be the exact opposite of all that once you find your partner? What is so rewarding for her?
And especially if she is impregnated and then abandoned because the man thinks that for some reason he can dodge the consequences of his actions (making a baby) and his “duty” to his country trumps his duty to his own child? A child who never had a chance to be born into a place where the father isn’t even around, never mind the suffering of the woman to be abandoned through that. How is that then rewarding for the wife or the child?
If you ask someone to be your partner, shouldn’t you then do everything you can to protect them from suffering? Shouldn’t you do all you can to choose a life that will also be really good for them rather than something they have to get through?
I need to understand this manner of thinking, if you don’t mind responding.
Hi Kae,
Having been raised as a military brat and being former service member myself, your post really resonates with me. I have seen so many military guys treat their wives as second to their jobs. They think the wife is only there to support them. And for their troubles, I have seen some of these wives publicly humiliated to keep them in their place. For many, I think the toughest part about being a milwife is not the difficult lifestyle, it is that they are being taken advantage of by men who don’t really care about, respect or cherish them. Now, having said that, there are some service members who do honor their wife’s sacrifices. If you have a good man, it might very well be worth it, but I do not think these are the majority.
A long time ago, an officer friend warned me not to get involved with a military man, this was good advice. A lot of military guys have really bad attitudes about women and love, so you have to be very careful about getting involved with them.
this helped me a lot.. my boyfriend is going into the army and it just scares me because im scared to lose him.. youre a strong person and i hope to be as strong as you.
You are a lot stronger than you think! Hang in there!
Lauren
Thanks for being so honest in this post! Two years married to my coastie I certainly have realized how many big girl panties it takes to keep it all together. Sometime I feel guilty for thinking our marriages are more challenging than civilian marriages but it really doesn’t compare. So much uncertainty and chaos at times. The homecomings and deep love makes it all worth while!
Despite all the challenges of military life, I wouldn’t change it for the world. The homecomings and love really do make it worth while.
I have found that being a military wife is most difficult due to long periods of separation where military experiences change a person to such an extent that couples grow apart due to the behaviors acquired during service, surfacing in a marriage. Later in life, these factors often introduce severe dysfunction. I found that I did not really know my spouse any more, that he was more than a control freak, and that our expectations of marriage had changed drastically from our original plans. Now, we are more of a domestic partnership marriage later in life, even with children still in school. My hope is that my boys do not acquire military tactics and behavior for use at home.
Alexandra Romanov, Retired General, 5 Stars, US Military, All Branches
“American Sniper” Screenwriter, Composer, Actor, Art Designer, Sound Engineering Team
https://www.linkedin.com/in/alexandraromanova
Thanks for your feedback, Alexandra. This was also a thought and a major concern of mine– even if a marriage gets through the years of service and nobody is killed, is that person even the same anymore? Do you even have anything to talk about and connect through anymore? Are you even “partners” anymore? Plus I could imagine that it’d be impossible to truly enjoy the time you do have together because you know and have ceaseless anxiety about the fact that he’s leaving again…. It’s only a matter of time. I don’t know how a relationship could be fulfilling under such circumstances. It seems emotionally toxic and unhealthy, particularly for the woman who isn’t out there with her husband.
I really needed to read this today. We are in Korea .. and boy it feels lonely. I am beyond excited for the experience, but it is coming with some major challenges.. It is easy to be hard on yourself and sometimes you need to give yourself a little grace. Your post gave me some.. I can now keep moving… 🙂
Oh Jacqueline, I’m so glad this encouraged you. It does feel lonely sometimes, doesn’t it? I relate so much. You are among friends. Come back soon and say hi again.
I am recently engaged to the man of my dreams, I am young… very young and struggling with the distance part of things. I am trying to be strong for everyone else because I know his mom is going through hell and back because of him heading down to fort benning for basic training. He is ONLY gone for 4 months but it honestly is taking such a toll on me, even though I pretend its nothing.. Im young so all of my friends just have the “oh that sucks” and “youll be fine” attitudes and no real advice. I dont really know what sort of advice Im looking for because being the fiance of a military guy was not in my plan for us either. I guess Im just looking for proof that it will be okay and that he wont become a robot…
Hey Gabe…I guess your proof–in a way–could be the 1.2 million military spouses who are making it work 🙂 “Okay” is relative to the eye of the beholder. Is military life hard? Absolutely. Can you thrive and find ways to make it work? Absolutely. So I think it comes down to arming yourself with a set of tools to help you handle the ups and downs of military life.
All my best,
Lauren
Wow, I am going through my first deployment with my boyfriend. We are talking marriage but I’m still “just the girlfriend”. And recently during a chat I mentioned him getting out, he loves his choice of career but deployment is harder than I ever imagined. We ended the discussion with me saying “lets discuss it when you’re back” and he said, “okay baby.”
I love him more than anything, it’s been days since we’ve last connected and although it’s hard, I am stronger than I ever imagined. And I’m starting to realize, I can do this. He doesn’t need to make a choice between me and his career. I am making the choice to stand by him.
Lauren, you have no idea how many of your posts I have read, and how much you are getting me through this! Thank you!!!
Absolutely!
I am a military brat and engaged to an amazing man that is currently in boot camp for the Navy! I saw my mom go through this but preparing myself to go through this is a whole new adventure. Thank you for this, It helps me mentally prepare myself! I am beyond nervous but also excited for this life and learning adventure. So thank you!
Every one says its hard to leave family and friends at home… what I find hardest is anti-military feelings from family and friends because you choose that over a life with them. Resentment seems to follow you from people you thought loved/liked you if you still put on the big girl panties and face the wind… It’s stormy living and they do not see you as a hero; some of them see you as an idiot of a sort for accepting and embracing the suck. They refuse to acknowledge a life in the military has positives…. which all helps you want to move in the end when true colors come out.
Perhaps the resentment comes from this perspective:
If you choose to be married to the military first, you choose to spend more of your life with the military than you do with the woman you asked to spend her life with you, then let’s be honest– you don’t love her enough. You love the job or that lifestyle or whatever it is you love about being in the military more than you love her.
Because when you ask her to go be with you in a life where you’re not actually there to be with, you’re offering s life of “getting through”, not a life of living.
What do you think?
Kae – I’ve read several of your comments here, and it seems like you had a tough time with a military man. I’m sorry to hear that — like in anything, there are good people and bad ones. The military doesn’t trump human nature.
I think overall, many spouses are proud of their partners. Their dedication to their country is part of their love for their wives and families. There are men who owe their lives to my husband – and he did this as part of creating a better world for his son to be in, years later.
I miss my husband when he’s gone. I miss my family when we move away from them. But overall, I have a life where I am loved fiercely by a strong and wonderful man. I have a life where I am financially blessed to be given the opportunity by his job to raise my little boy. We travel and have a beautiful home thanks to his job. He gave me all of these things by sacrificing other things in the Navy.
It isn’t for everyone, and I’m sorry you had a bad experience. But what I’ve found is that the military isn’t something you love more or less than a spouse: it’s just your job.
If leaving the military was right for my family, I know we’d leave in a heartbeat. But it is so worth it, and gives my family so much, that I’d never ask him to leave. I couldn’t – it’s who he is and I love him for exactly that.
I hope things get better for you!
Your article helped me feel like I’m not the only one struggling, thank you. I’m a nurse married to an Airman and 2016 has been a very rough year. I had to move twice and now we’re in a state far away from friends and family. Thankfully I found a full time job that keeps me busy, or else I would lose it. My husband isn’t happy with his job and it’s going to be a long three years before we can move. I respect those who are suited to military life, because it’s a difficult lifestyle that few truly understand. I feel like a bad and unsupportive wife because this lifestyle isn’t what I want. I’m also in a contract with my employer that will expire after my husband is eligible to get out of the Air Force, meaning I will be stuck in a small town for months and have to find a new place to live while he finds a new home and job in another state. I think military life works only for traditional families where the wife stays at home. Hopefully others can enjoy their experience, wish I could say the same for my family.
Wow. I’ve been crying all night and this is exactly what I needed. Thank you
I meet my husband several years ago. Been together for 2 years, married for 3 months, He wants to join the military. I was given a choice to leave him or go ahead with this plan. Now i can not follow him. My oldest daughter has a different father. Ill have to stay put. I am not able to handle any of this. I spent 2 years in a long distance relationship and i spend 2 years in misery. I can’t loose my husband but i can not go thru that again and on top of all the other difficulty’s of being a military wife that i didn’t choose. What should i do?
Hi Jessica, I’m so sorry that’s so terribly hard. I’m just reading your comment now as I just found this blog– what did you end up doing? How are you doing??
Thank you for sharing your life… i am a military wife from Philippines and is still on the process of embracing the life i chose with a military man.. Its been a decade yet i still have lots of adjustments and confusions.. we’ve been through a lot of conflicts and series of misunderstandings. i am just thankful to have family support especially from my mother. i do not know what’s instored for us in the coming years. Praying for divine providence!
I love this article so much. What I connect to the most is how it isn’t sugar coated. This is really how it is. When women write all the struggles and end with but I wouldn’t have it any other way. It makes no sense to me. I think many of us wish for another way throughout, that’s just reality. Although it really depends on multiple factors how well someone can handle a military spouse role (family support, health, sometimes age) and what can be achieved in their lives. It is very true that sometimes it’s not a choice whether a spouse can have a career or follow their own dreams. That can be sad, but one can find in the community usually something fulfilling. This was so helpful to read and share. Thank you!
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I broke up with my boyfriend last 2 months due to many misunderstandings i was fighting so hard to get him back. none of his friends would give me any information about him. The only thing I could do was to go find help from anywhere, so i looked for a way to get him back then a friend recommended me to contact dr_mack@yahoo. com that he will help me and as my friend said, Dr_mack helped me to bring back my boyfriend just in 3 days, I now have him back and this is the biggest joy of my life
My boyfriend and I just broke up. He is in the air force and we were together for 2 1/2 years. One of those years he was deployed and he was sent back to another state and I moved to be with him. So we went from dating for a few months, to being apart for a year, to living together. I think it all became too real for me too fast. Ever since moving to be with him I couldn’t shake the fear of how difficult a military life will be. I have been fighting an internal struggle for over a year because I love and care about him but I am so afraid that me and what I want will always come second. I am also not always great at adjusting to change which is really guaranteed to happen in the military. It just got to the point where I felt very disconnected from him and I was always picking fights over every little thing or difference and jumping to the worst conclusions, and know matter what he did to help it just wouldn’t be enough. I felt like I was destroying any good we had and I decided to leave before any chance of a relationship was completely lost. I am going to go to counseling to try and work on myself and figure out where all of my fears are coming from but I don’t know maybe I am just not cut out for this. Right now we are taking this time apart to figure out what we both want but I keep jumping to worst case scenario and thinking life would just be easier if we aren’t together. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you.
how dod your story continue?
Hey Kaylee, that’s really hard. I share the same concerns. Everything does come 2nd to the military, and it’s a distant 2nd. Gets me wondering– what’s the point? How are things going for you now??
I am still working on improving myself and trying to get to a healthier place. With the distance I have felt like I do want to be with him and it can work, unfortunately he does not feel the same and told me he does not think we will work. This has been one of the most difficult things for me to deal with because I think if we had communicated better and gone to counseling then we could have made it work. I honestly think he retreated into his work and is trying to forget me altogether which was one of my fears. Maybe things can change in the future but right now it does not seem that way. Sorry my story did not have a better ending. All I can say is that if things aren’t working in your relationship don’t try to fix it all yourself, go to counseling and really try to work through it before giving up.
In 2 weeks, I will be a Military wife.
I’m 20 years old, he is 26.
He was actually my Bible group leader at my church in a new city I moved to alone at 18, Which is how we met. I’m back in my ‘hometown’ now because my mom was sick this summer, But, in a few weeks we will be together again, at last…. <3 Our engagement has been short, but both of us agreed that we have never been so sure of anything before in our lives. September 30th, 2017 cannot come close enough.
I've already lived on my own across the country from my home town for almost 2 years, working and going to school; so of course in my head I think i'm strong,independent, well traveled and can do anything.
I sense i'm in for a bit of a reality check…
I'm not sure what i'm trying to say here, what i'm trying to ask. But I think I just wanted to share my story so that I wouldn't feel alone.
Of course my friends and family think its all crazy, and would prefer me to wait around until I meet someone that's NOT in the military… Maybe a lawyer or a doctor, someone who will stay still with my forever. They would prefer me to stay in this silly old town forever and be exactly where i don't belong.
Here.
no.
Look at what God has given me, why would I throw this away. This will all pass no matter what, Yeah some families get to spend time together day in and day out, but in the light of eternity… what's the difference. It's a molecule difference of time.
When you think of the reason for of all of this. Of life…
Which is to Glorify God in all things. In all circumstances,..
The fact that I will have the HONOR of being a wife to this amazing, strong Godly man… What more could I ask for?
I THANK you GOD.
I cannot even begin to fathom how excited I am to see what the future holds, I know the Military is going to play a huge part in my life for a long while, We are going to struggle. We are going to fall. But I must admit; this is right up my alley. 😉
Wow this must be years later but if you see this, could you tell me how are things going for you? This is similar to my life and i would love to hear from someone else
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Wow, this just made me cry. My husband is a reservist, we got married at the DMV, he left for delployment while I was pregnant, missed the first 9 months. When he got home we lived in an air bnb. The entire time we have been here not making life decisions like home buying, more kids, my career change waiting for his WOC packet to be approved. When It got approved, I panicked because for some reason he never has answers about how or when… Also because I see him moving forward and not going anywhere because I had it together when he goes away. I seriously got angry yesterday when I got more “I don’t know” when, where or how we will live.
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This post is amazing! Are you inside my head right now?! 😉
Im European so Im in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend in the military in the US. Hes in for life. We`ve been together and travelled back and forth for 2 years now and still going strong. What I have learned and understood about the military spouses.. Heroes!
How do you do it?
We´re supposed to “close the distance” some time this year and everything in your post is on my mind. Am I ready for it, can I do it all + leaving my home and family in Europe on top? Can I visit them when he gets deployed again? Ooooffff…
Hah! I need to find my big girl panties for this decision!
Thank you for your post and thanks to the spouses for sharing. It really makes it easier, to see how big the community is and how you support each other! I hope to join you one day very soon.
Thank you SO Much for sharing, I seriously needed this. We got married in August and dated for a year before that but it has been so tough. He was supposed to get of the military next February, but instead he applied for Officer School and was accepted so now we’re in for 20 years instead of 12 more months. I love him so much and would never want to be without him, but I have seriously been struggling with this Military first, he’s second and I’m third thing. Thank you for sharing your story, it makes me feel like I’m not horrible or crazy, but just human.
Is there any reason why this post was written with gender specific nouns/pronouns? I mean this constructively – the post comes across as out-of-touch (only addresses female spouses) and I think your message would be better conveyed if it was more inclusive and representative of all military spouses.
I’m on the verge of calling it quits, after 23 almost 24 years of marriage, and 22 years in service, my sadness is getting worse and worse lately, every time we Are arguing ascot every little thing and no matter if he ask me what is wrong that our can tell him, I end up been the bad one, the one I don’t understand, the one who according to him haven’t sacrifice anything, the one I’m not on the aunt and don’t understand, the one who’s jobs are Nikon and don’t matter because doesn’t compare to be in the Army, the one according to him that haven’t make an worry to understand his career after 22 years. All I do is Fri feel wry a.c. Try not to eau anything at all. I can’t with this anymore. But at the same time my kids are old teenagers and all yet have seen is a successful marriage a.c. I feel trap. I wish I will go to sleep ad’s never wake up.
Sorry for all the misspelled words, I used autocorrect, and I just wanted to get it out
* Every time we argue about every little thing
* The one who is not in the Army
* the one who’s jobs are nothing because doesn’t compare to be the Army
* according to him I haven’t make a effort to understand
* all I do is cry fell empty and try not to say anything at all.
* All have seen is a successful
*i feel trap, I wish I will go to sleep ad’s never wake up.
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I had the court house wedding just 5 months ago today. just this Sunday he told me he is thinking about getting a divorce. we got married young but we didn’t get into it not knowing about the long deployments, moving around all of the time and things like that. I love him still and I want to talk this out with him. he says that he’s thinking about this because he started to think that maybe we rushed things, that we don’t get to act like man and wife when he comes down to see me and his family ( I wanted to try to finish my first semester in Texas because we had already paid for it before we got married) because they didn’t know we got married but I just broke the news today to my mother and she looked it well but then she was sad for me because of him wanting a divorce. he then brought up the final thing which I believe is the real reason why he wants to get a divorce. he is deploying in may to Afghanistan. he will be gone for 6-8 months he won’t be allowed off of the base for his safety because he’s in hydro for the Air Force. I won’t be able to talk to him and he kept on saying that their is a chance that he won’t come back. and when he was saying all of the reasons why he wants to start over and get a divorce he kept on saying that I love you and I don’t want to lose you because you mean everything to me. right now I’m just praying that its just him saying this as a way to protect me if that were to happen. that its not because he doesn’t love me anymore and I really think that he does because after Sunday night he hasn’t brought it up. he called me after work like normal and when he had to go he said I love you. just like normal. Im not mad or anything im just terrified that I will lose my best friend and the man I love
This has been helpful! we can all relate indeed. its never easy to be a military wife since your life can never be the same regardless. you need to hug in and only God knows what the future holds.
Dear Lauren,
It is nice of you to share all these information with all these military wives. I was once one of you all. One thing I can ever read or see is about, what about the wives that end being divorce, how broken harder we end after following our dear husbmads and support them through the military carriers.
Hello Lauren,
It is the great of you to share all these information. I am a Japanese and I have an Aussie Military partner as my first experience. I respect his great service however I concern risk of his job. Something different between life of JSDGF and American/Australian Army is different how risk at such deployment etc. so your website helps me learn.
I am not a military wife but have such respect for all of you, I happened upon this site while doing some research for a book I’m writing and couldn’t stop reading. God bless all of you.
What happens when you can’t do it anymore? When you’ve been strong for too long, your kids have special and medical needs, and your own health is falling apart? And your husband doesn’t care because he’s too wrapped up in his career? What happens then?
I’m sorry, but I’d rather be alone and single than in a loveless marriage where I’m at the bottom of the priority list. I want someone who will give a crap whether I exist, who will be there for me, and cherish me. I deserve to be loved. We all do.
I think the military is perfect for single men who make it their whole life. It was not designed for families or for married couples to be one. There’s a reason the divorce rate is so high.
Thank you very much for this post.
It’s sad to know that military spouses have to be okay with parenting on their own and feeling lonely most of the time since their partner is deployed. My sister is marrying a military guy, who’ll be leaving for the Middle East in five months. I know this would be hard for my sister, so I’ll suggest she takes advantage of military family counseling. Thanks, Lauren.
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