MilSpouse Life
You probably don’t know this, but when my husband and I were first dating, I actually asked him to get out of the military.
I saw a future with him.
I saw marriage with him.
And nowhere in that equation did being a military wife exist.
Because as a child of multiple divorces (Yes, both my parents divorced twice. Once from each other, and once each from a second marriage), I knew what every marriage goes up against—the tough stuff.
image by PO1 Jon Rasmussen, identified by DVIDS
I saw military life as a huge barrier to a successful marriage. From deployments to moving all the time to the consequences of war, military life takes regular everyday marriage problems and catapults them towards troubled waters.
Well, at least in my mind that’s what I was thinking.
My husband and I broke up for a period of time over the whole military thing. I wanted him to get out, and he wanted to stay. In the same breath, he wanted me to leave my life behind to follow him, and of course, I wanted to stay.
Neither one of us wanted to leave behind the life that we loved.
After being separated for a period of time, I was in a very dark place. Miserable without him, it was easy for me to see that civilian life without him was FAR WORSE than any military life with him.
That was the beginning of my journey into this military wife and mom life. That was the moment I decided to put on my big girl panties and do this military life thing. Maybe you’ve felt that moment too. The moment when you realize you’re not just gonna tough this thing out, you’re gonna rock this!
And that’s why being a military wife is so hard…
Because you have to put on your big girl panties—A LOT.
Being a Military Wife is Hard Because….
You’ve got to hold it together when your service member leaves to work in a really dangerous place for months on end or more.
You’ve got to be okay with moving half way around the world from your family.
You’ve got to be okay with your service member missing all the special stuff like birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, or gasp….the birth of your child.
You’ve got to be okay with putting your career on the back burner sometimes because moving all over the place and maintaining a career isn’t as easy as it looks.
You’ve got to be okay with letting go some of the control in your life because Lord knows the military is going to make some big life decisions for you.
You’ve got to be okay with leaving close friends and family behind while you start a new life.
You’ve got to be okay with having a courthouse wedding when you really wanted a big one because military life or a deployment prevented it from working out that way.
You’ve got to be okay with facing way more drama in the military community than you ever wished.
You’ve got to be okay with parenting alone and feeling lonely sometimes.
You’ve got to be okay with making new friends over and over and over again.
You’ve got to be okay with spending as much of your marriage apart as you do together.
You’ve got to be okay with talking about death, dying, and the traumatic effects of war.
You’ve got to be okay with finding the positive in the midst of really, really hard.
You’ve got to be okay choosing happiness in the midst of some really challenging circumstances.
And you will be okay…
Because you are strong, resilient and tougher than even YOU imagine at this very moment.
But it’s all of these things, and so much more, that make life as a military wife so hard sometimes. Because you never realize how many big girl panties you are gonna need until you are neck deep into this whole thing.
It’s a lot of big girl panties.
It’s just a lot.
Want more on military life?
- 3 Telltale Signs You’re Friends With an Awesome Military Spouse
- 18 Ways Military Life Changes You for the Better
- The One Thing You Miss Most During Deployment
- 7 Myths About Military Life Debunked
How do you work through the challenges of military life? Let’s chat in the comments!
I had the court house wedding just 5 months ago today. just this Sunday he told me he is thinking about getting a divorce. we got married young but we didn’t get into it not knowing about the long deployments, moving around all of the time and things like that. I love him still and I want to talk this out with him. he says that he’s thinking about this because he started to think that maybe we rushed things, that we don’t get to act like man and wife when he comes down to see me and his family ( I wanted to try to finish my first semester in Texas because we had already paid for it before we got married) because they didn’t know we got married but I just broke the news today to my mother and she looked it well but then she was sad for me because of him wanting a divorce. he then brought up the final thing which I believe is the real reason why he wants to get a divorce. he is deploying in may to Afghanistan. he will be gone for 6-8 months he won’t be allowed off of the base for his safety because he’s in hydro for the Air Force. I won’t be able to talk to him and he kept on saying that their is a chance that he won’t come back. and when he was saying all of the reasons why he wants to start over and get a divorce he kept on saying that I love you and I don’t want to lose you because you mean everything to me. right now I’m just praying that its just him saying this as a way to protect me if that were to happen. that its not because he doesn’t love me anymore and I really think that he does because after Sunday night he hasn’t brought it up. he called me after work like normal and when he had to go he said I love you. just like normal. Im not mad or anything im just terrified that I will lose my best friend and the man I love
This has been helpful! we can all relate indeed. its never easy to be a military wife since your life can never be the same regardless. you need to hug in and only God knows what the future holds.
Dear Lauren,
It is nice of you to share all these information with all these military wives. I was once one of you all. One thing I can ever read or see is about, what about the wives that end being divorce, how broken harder we end after following our dear husbmads and support them through the military carriers.
Hello Lauren,
It is the great of you to share all these information. I am a Japanese and I have an Aussie Military partner as my first experience. I respect his great service however I concern risk of his job. Something different between life of JSDGF and American/Australian Army is different how risk at such deployment etc. so your website helps me learn.
I am not a military wife but have such respect for all of you, I happened upon this site while doing some research for a book I’m writing and couldn’t stop reading. God bless all of you.
What happens when you can’t do it anymore? When you’ve been strong for too long, your kids have special and medical needs, and your own health is falling apart? And your husband doesn’t care because he’s too wrapped up in his career? What happens then?
I’m sorry, but I’d rather be alone and single than in a loveless marriage where I’m at the bottom of the priority list. I want someone who will give a crap whether I exist, who will be there for me, and cherish me. I deserve to be loved. We all do.
I think the military is perfect for single men who make it their whole life. It was not designed for families or for married couples to be one. There’s a reason the divorce rate is so high.
Thank you very much for this post.
It’s sad to know that military spouses have to be okay with parenting on their own and feeling lonely most of the time since their partner is deployed. My sister is marrying a military guy, who’ll be leaving for the Middle East in five months. I know this would be hard for my sister, so I’ll suggest she takes advantage of military family counseling. Thanks, Lauren.
I once read in a military paper that if a soldier was meant to be married it would have been issued with his kit!! That was the mentality of the military regarding marriage at that time. Good thing we did not listen or we would not have the great life and strong relationship we now have. Being a military wife is not for everyone that is for sure