MilSpouse Life
One of my most vivid memories of military life was during a time when I was a military girlfriend.
Nearing our thirties, my boyfriend and I had been together for several years already. In the beginning we were long distance, and after almost two years together, I moved from the Midwest to Coastal North Carolina to be with him.
It was such a special time. Our relationship grew and flourished despite the fact that he was preparing to deploy a mere six months after I moved South.
And then the reality set in…
He was leaving soon. The deployment was less than a few months away, and he was preparing for especially dangerous missions. It was such a hard time. He was leaving, and the risk during the upcoming deployment was real.
Related: 13 Deployment Gift Ideas for Your Boyfriend
It. Was. Too. Real.
We talked about death and dying, and what he would want to happen if he didn’t come home. We talked about the exact funeral he would want.
We talked about where his belongings would go. We talked about everything. I wasn’t just some girlfriend. I was his confidant, best friend and go-to person.
I was the girl who he spent nearly all his free time with. The girl who helped him pack his bags. The girl who wrote him a special letter and tucked it neatly in his pack before leaving.
I was the girl who took him to the bus and held it together with every ounce of my being as it drove away disappearing in the distance. I was the girl who loved him with all my heart.
And yet, in the eyes of the military I was just a military girlfriend.
When I went to the pre-deployment briefing, I got a “special” folder and jumped through hoops to make sure I was on a notification list in case something happened during the deployment.
Even then, I still questioned if I would be notified because I wasn’t next of kin. I simply didn’t have the same rights as married spouses.
It hurt.
When you feel like the most important person in someone’s life, and you are labeled as just a girlfriend, it stings.
And the truth is a bunch of crap girlfriends gave military significant others a bad rap.
They cheated or took all the service member’s money or sold their house or ran up the credit card while they were deployed in combat.
Then they lied about it after the fact.
And now, you’re taking the fall for every crap girlfriend out there.
It sucks.
But deep down you have to know that you know who you are as a person and so does your service member. Hang onto that when you feel discouraged.
Most banks and companies and the military are only trying to protect service members because they’ve seen some seriously high drama situations go down.
Stuff that’s way crazier than anything you’d see happen on the soap opera Days of Our Lives.
(And years into military wife life, I can whole-heartedly tell you that I’ve known some spouses who completely shocked me with the terrible things they did while service members were away. But one bad apple doesn’t make the whole tree rotten.)
You have to know better.
One random day, near the end of the deployment, I received an email from my boyfriend that made my heart sink deep into my stomach.
If I were just a girlfriend, I probably wouldn’t have recognized the message conveyed behind the words written in the sentence, “There are no words to describe how much I need you right now.”
This would probably be an ordinary sentence to just a girlfriend. Maybe she would think it was so cute and sweet that her boyfriend would say something like that.
It changed our lives forever.
I later learned that my boyfriend had lost a dear friend and team member in an explosion that day. My boyfriend—one of the strongest and most resilient men I know—was in his darkest hour.
Life changed in an instant.
I felt helpless, sad and hopeless all at the same time. Losing his friend was something, I don’t think either of us thought would ever happen. It shook us to the core, and the lines of girlfriend and boyfriend were no longer relevant. We clung to each other for dear life in that moment and every moment thereafter. Nothing else mattered.
So if you are a military girlfriend, I just wanted to to say that I get it. I understand what you are going through. I know you are so much more than just a girlfriend.
When certain formalities of military life make you feel like you are just some girl, know better. When you feel the pressure to marry prematurely before a deployment, know better. When it all just seems unfair, know better.
As a girl who went from military girlfriend to military wife, I can tell you it is worth the wait. Shortly after my husband returned from that deployment we were engaged and married less than 6 months later. It was that time as a girlfriend, during that deployment, that both of us learned our relationship was meant for marriage.
Because when you survive the darkest days together, you realize that you are more than just a girlfriend.
In moments like those, you realize that…
You are the most important girl in the whole world to a man serving his country.
You are his rock.
You are his stronghold.
You are his love.
Down the road, years into your military marriage and life as a military wife, you will just look back and appreciate the time that you had as his girlfriend.
That time served great purpose to build and nurture the foundation of your future marriage. That time strengthened and solidified your relationship into what it is today. That time is a testament as to why your military marriage is actually going to last.
That is a beautiful thing.
And no one on Earth can ever take it from you.
Want more on military life?
- The Deployment Diet No One Talks About
- 57 Things Military Spouses Can Stop Apologizing For
- The One Thing You Miss Most During Deployment
- The Best Advice for the Military girlfriend
You hit the nail on the head again, Lauren! And you’re so lucky that you were given any kind of information at all. I was specifically and pointedly excluded from any family conversations even though when John deployed, we were engaged with a set wedding date. I get why it’s like that, but it does hurt when you’re in it.
So true. It’s really unfortunate that it is that way. I don’t think it’s as common in the civilian world but I could be wrong. I too understand why it is like that…I think there is this stigma that military girlfriends come and go, and some have done some very immoral things that have created an untrustworthy stereotype for the rest of us.
Well, it’s probably because girlfriends do come and go… For instance, I know of one military girlfriend in particular who broke up with her boyfriend because he reenlisted, then they later got back together, and she is now writing a blog about life as a military girlfriend/wife! Sound familiar? :-0
I have a question my bf is in army he left for boot camp but before he left he just didn’t know if he wanted me anymore can you help but before he left we made it kinda better he told me he loved me more than anything and we were engaged and stuff pleas help and I had a question is it likely girls and guys fall in love during basics I’m sorry im lost and want answer
I am in the same boat! Just not engaged. It is a very confusing time…
I’m an author writing a story about a Marine who is wounded. I know only family can be next of kin. What I want to know is if anyone has had difficulty seeing their wounded serviceman because they were not married. I have my guy at Landstuhl in Germany before being shipped to Bethesda.
I’m trying to verify with a few other people. Mary Ellen, I will try and shoot you an email once I know for sure.
My boyfriend is Army and he is also my high school crush. He found me on fb 30 year’s later and came home for leave and we have been talking everyday . He was deployed 2 weeks after we reconnected to Korea for a year and I have fallen I love with him and I need to know if I should tell him
So I am a military girlfriend and about to face my first deployment. My boyfriend is due to deploy in the near future as he has started his work ups. I am so worried I wont be in the loop because I am JUST the girlfriend. I was wondering how you went about being in the pre-deployment brief and getting in the loop. My biggest fear is being out of the loop and missing his homecoming because right now i am all he has due to family being so far away
Thank You and sincerely ,
Completely lost
I guess I’m considered just a military girlfriend as well. Glad I’m not alone! I love all the blogs & i feel some relief now that I’ve found someone to talk to. Thanks y’all!
The military is the best option for my man.. This summer he is going to basic and I’m pretty sure he won’t get the base he wants, because, well thats military. I guess I am asking how did you guys get through it and how long do you think we are going to be in distance?…
dang girl. this is GOOD. I’ll never forget how it felt to “just be the girlfriend” at my husband’s West Point graduation. My husband was introducing me to his professors and different “higher ups”, and I felt like they just looked right through me. They had no idea that we’d been together for so long, and that I’d held his hand (from afar!) during that cadet experience. I wish I would have read this five years ago. I hope this goes viral because it’s good!
Wow. Thanks for your encouraging words here. Yep, right through me here too. They had no idea we’d been together for quite some time. It’s really encouraging to know I’m not the only one 🙂
Very well said. I remember all too well that feeling of invisibility, the inability to have a say about anything or the power to act on their behalf, and the decisions we were forced to make about our future due to military circumstances. It’s a very tough place to be, especially when you know that your relationship has and will last longer than so many more of those that are already “privileged” by a massage licence.
So true 🙂
Thank you ,so very much for this post. I am so very thankful that my fiance has made sure that his cousin and his mother will call me if anything happens as the Army says no I could not be notified. I am also so very thankful that his deployment is almost over and my Colonel will be home for good in about a moth and a half. We will begin our lives together with his 2 sons as civilians. i know that I would have made a great Military wife, but after 25 years in the Army, he is ready to come out.
Wow, 25 years…what an accomplishment! Praying the rest of deployment flies by and you are all reunited again soon! Thanks for sharing!
Lauren
Great piece Lauren. I’m a military girlfirend of a member of the Canadian Armed Forces. When my partner sent me a snap shot of the papers he’d submitted listing me as his next of kin I knew it meant so much more than just being the person the army will contact in case of emergency. It spoke volumes to his commitment to me, his love, and his respect for our relationship. It means I’m not just his girlfriend; I’m the woman he’s chosen as his partner.
Exactly. Love your story.
I am so glad I read this post! I try to not let it get me down of bother me that I am not married to my soldier but man is it hard to stay strong when some spouses love to point it out that I am in fact not his “wife” I and JUST his fiancé… It’s tough to deal with sometimes!
It is so tough, and I completely relate to what you are going through. I think when other spouses point out that you are not his “wife” it’s an example of the military spouse wars. In civilian life I don’t think not being married is as big of a deal. It’s too bad because I think a lot of couples feel pressured to get married when they aren’t necessarily 100% ready.
Great article! Even though my husband and I were married three years before he joined the Marine Corps I can get a sense of what it must feel like. You don’t know how many times over the last 9 years I was referred to as “just a spouse” or “just a dependent”. At times it has made me feel bad for not being in the military even though both of us wanted to join but we decided it would be better for our kids if only one of us joined. Saying I’m just a spouse or just a dependent is saying that I’m not as important which isn’t true! If I got paid for all the things I (gladly) do for my husband and our four kids I would make over $200,000 a year. I do what I do at home so my husband can serve his country.
Yes…so true. Just a spouse or just a dependent, that stings a bit. You know? I currently stay at home as well, and it’s because it makes life easier for our family. Because it supports my husband’s job. Thanks for such a thoughtful comment!
Lauren,
I’m in DEP for the Navy right now and I leave for BT on July 22. My boyfriend is in DEP for the Marines and his official ship date is October 8, but he’s trying to get an earlier ship date. Right now things are rocky with his family, because they disagree with his decision to join the military. I’m wondering how you got to do the pre-deployment briefing and will be kept notified just in case something happens. I know his family wouldn’t ever tell me. Also, I’m wondering if there are any support groups for couples that are in the same situation that we are in. We know that it’ll be hard, but we really want to make this work. We decided that we want to wait to get married, because we don’t want to rush into it even if there’s a possibility that we could be stationed together. Just in need of some encouragement.
Wow! What a perfect article. I’ve struggled so much with being ‘just a girlfriend’ and so many of his friends ask us why we don’t ‘just get married’ as if it’s that easy to do. We decided at the beginning of our relationship we would wait until we were ready. And although I’m on his ombudsman sheet and I am the one who he calls when he is given a chance it’s still hard at times. This really brightened my day and made me realize why we are waiting for our special day!
Yes!! Waiting was totally worth it…but super hard at the same time right?! Go with your gut. I’m so thrilled this encouraged you!
Thank you for this! I appreciate you taking the time to put this out there…especially when so many of us feel this way.
Absolutely! So encouraging to see such a positive response here!
Lauren,
Thank you so much for this post. In just a couple of short months I am moving to florida to be with my boyfriend while he is in flight school. I was surprised to see that girlfriends are almost looked down upon in this situation and your post made me feel so much better. Im very excited to have found you blog!
Em
It’s so encouraging to hear you say that! Thanks for leaving a comment and sharing! I was a long time military girlfriend before my husband and I married. I know exactly how you feel. Keep doing what you are doing and hang in there! Feel free to email me anytime you are in need of resources or support! Happy to have you along here 🙂
Lauren
I need this! I have been with my marine for a year and some change and I am going through my first deployment. I’m not one of those fair weather girlfriends and would never do anything to lose his trust. Lucky for me, this is the only deployment I have to go through as his time is done when he returns! Then it is off to college for both of us! Thank you for this post. It is just the encouragement I needed this week.
You’re welcome! Deployment is challenging. Military life is challenging. Sounds like you are doing an amazing job!
Lauren
I absolutely love this article. My fiance and I discussed a rushed marriage before he deploys here in the near future, but we decided against it. I have been having my doubts lately about wanting to just go ahead and get court papers before he goes, but he refuses (even though it was his suggestion in the beginning) because he knows how much waiting and a traditional ceremony means to me. After reading this I know I am in the right mindset wanting to wait and not getting pressured into it…and lucky that my love knows me so well! 🙂 It’s nice to know that it isn’t just me who is feeling looked down on for not being married already.
I completely related to that. I too thought about us rushing into marriage and I am so glad we waited and had a very special ceremony. It’s hard to wait but I think you will be glad you did 🙂
Thank you so much for writing this! I really needed to hear it today. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 1/2 years. I’ve been with his through the Naval Academy and now he is stationed in the Pacific for the next two years while I finished up school and got a career going. It’s so hard not to feel pressured to get married right now. The only thing stopping us are logistical reasons like money, our careers, and of course the military’s schedule. I’m hesitant to move overseas with him as a girlfriend for the reasons you pointed out. I know we are eventually going to get married but it’s still tough.
Thank you for sharing!
Hey Alex, it sounds like you are doing the right thing! Honestly. Being apart is incredibly hard, but I think down the road you will feel so grateful that you finished school and did something just for you. So often spouses give up school and the potential for a career down the road, and jump full throttle into marriage, only to feel lost a few years later. Hang in there! Thanks for sharing a bit of your story and I look forward to getting to know you better.
Lauren
Wow. This was truly inspiring. My boyfriend is about to graduate from Marine boot camp. we had lived with each other for 6 months before he left and I have always felt like “just the girlfriend”…having not rights to anything and seemed to not matter. So, I am truly thankful for your words. They hit me hard but helped so much.<3
I’m so glad! Thanks for leaving a comment and sharing a bit about yourself!
My boyfriend leaves for Japan in December for 18 months. And leading up to that in freaking out and am not handling it well. He doesn’t understand from my point of view and see how badly it hurts me. I need advice what to do and how to handle my emotions. Any advice?
Military life is an emotional roller coaster and it’s incredibly hard to cope with separations. If you visit my military wife section on the blog there are several military significant other articles that you may enjoy.
Thank you so much for this article. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year now, and this has helped me prepare mentally for what is to come. It has been so frustrating trying to be involved in the months leading up to deployment because I am “just a girlfriend”. I can’t wait until it’s all over and until I can see him and hug him and hold him! It takes a strong relationship to make it through something like a deployment. Every day is a blessing, and every day is one closer to seeing each other again.
I might be a little late but I loved this. Made me cry but I loved it. My lovely left in October, and it’s been really hard. We get to talk a lot which is really nice. The first couple weeks I cried everyday. Working more and being around other people really helped but, when I’m alone or doing something that was “our thing” by myself gets me. All of our important dates are happening while he’s gone. His birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, our Anniversary, my birthday, Valentines day. Just knowing that I have him makes everything worth it!
29 weeks to go! So ready to hold him again!
Sound like you are doing an amazing job with everything. Deployments are challenging. Hang on! You can do this!
My boyfriend that I would have been with for a year once he’s in Basic for a few weeks is leaving in a few months. I couldn’t deal with it tonight, something just came over me and I lay on his chest crying. He’s going to miss our one year anniversary, which may seem like very short but I truly feel that I’m meant to be with him. He keeps telling me that I need to be strong about it, and that when he’s gone not to “count the seconds”. I’m finding the idea of him leaving really hard, sometimes it’s okay and others it’s defiantly not. It’s nice, in a sad way, to see that you’re missing important times too. He’s missing our anniversary, my birthday, and some others too. I hope all goes well/ has gone well got you. It really helps to see others with strength getting though this time, and it reminds me that I need to do the same.
Wow. And here I thought I was one of few. It’s comforting to see and read that so many other women have similar experiences. I’m currently a navy girlfriend and it’s tough. I’ve been at this for two years and I feel like I’m ready to move up to military wife. I know the difficulties as I’m here in the states and he’s in Japan. Deployments are still hard even though I’m not fully apart of them like some people. I still worry just the same. So thank you for this article as a small price of mind that I’m not alone
You are so welcome. Thank you for reading! You are definitely not alone 🙂
Thank you. I read this and it made me cry. I had those exact feelings when Kevin was deployed but we were determined to get through a deployment before we got married. Sadly, I just lost him in the recent Hawaii crash. We always knew that if we could make it through a deployment then we could make it through anything. It was over christmas that he asked for my family’s permission in my hand in marriage. I will always remember how precious those beginning days were when trying to understand the feelings of each other with limited communication were our biggest challenge and how wonderful it felt when we made ground just because we could talk to 5 minutes without the signal breaking up. Thank you for writing this piece. I know that you understand.
Oh my goodness, I am just now reading your comment K.T. My heart goes out to you right now. Military life is filled with ups and downs that we cannot foresee or comprehend. I am so sorry for your loss. I honestly don’t know what to say outside of you had something very special–love in your heart–and no one can take that away from you. Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment and share something special about your life. We will never forget.
I’m “just a girlfriend” and all of my friends are wives. We’re all a little over a month into the guys’ first 6 month deployment. A lot of times when I share how I’m feeling about the situation or something that’s bothering me about his communication (or whatever it may be), I feel like I’m “just a girlfriend” so my feelings aren’t as valid as theirs. This post really encouraged me! Thanks so much for posting about girlfriends – most blogs/research I’ve done in regards to military/deployments all revolve around wives… hey, we girlfriends are loved too! 🙂 Thanks so much!
Absolutely love your articles and have referee to them a few times in my down days or when others just do t get military life.
I am so excited there’s a book/guide but I wondered if you knew of a British military version as some of the info will be about the US military sctructure & way of doing/saying things.
Lots of respect for you for putting a voice to a lot of lonely hearts,
Jess
I LOVE this post. I’m currently *just* a girlfriend and have felt meaningless. I went to my boyfriend’s graduation with his family and at times I just wanted to walk alone because I felt like he needed “family” time more than our time. Today my boyfriend called me really worried about something and I realized I was his comfort. I can’t wait for the day when I’m no longer just the girlfriend, but I will try to enjoy this part while I can!
Wow. Sounds like you have an amazing head on your shoulders. So level headed and brave to continue walking on the military girlfriend journey. I promise it is worth the wait, Jordyn!
My boyfriend and I have been dating for over two years, almost three. We started dating young but we are now 19 almost 20. Many people have came up to me constantly “letting me know” the statistics of “you and your boyfriend actually staying together”. Or the statistics of divorce due to young marriage. We spoke to each other about our relationship before he left and we’re taking it day by day. People always tell us we’re too young but he reminded me before he left that he’s starting on our future while I finish college. He tells me he can’t wait for me to finish college so we can get married. He’s in boot camp right now so it’s pretty rough not being able to hear from him all the time. Within his first 72 hours in TX, he was allowed one phone call and his parents were at work so he called me. It was the most emotional and stressful call I’ve received. His parents try to text or call me everyday to make sure I’m okay. Although it’s just boot camp, the distance really does suck. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know how to cope with it. This is my first real relationship, this is his second. I feel like I don’t even know how I’m feeling. It’s just a bowl of mixed emotions!
Your website and Military Girlfriend posts couldn’t have come at a better time. As my SO nears his assignment as a recruiter, we are moving back to the fleet in October 2017. I haven’t been able to find any article or blog post as relatable as this one. Being just a military girlfriend has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. And I am so grateful to have found you at a time when I considered marrying before his deployment. This will all be worth it, and our relationship is meant for marriage.
Thank you for this honest and well-thought-out post. Its truly changed my mental place.
I’m so glad to hear that!
I am a military girlfriend going through my first deployment and it’s so hard. It’s finding blogs like yours that are helping get through and although I cry myself to sleep more often than I would like, I a, Army strong when I talk to my Soldier.
This is a tough choice we make as women, but a choice well with it for the men we love. Thank you for this wonderful blog and hope.
Thank you for this post. My boyfriend is getting ready to leave for basic here in January around the same time I will be starting as a travel nurse. We are both in our mid twenties and I know hes a little worried about being older and starting this process. We have only been dating for a little less then a year but I have known him before he decided to join the military and am by no means a fair weather girl. We’ve had our own ups and downs to deal with and I plan to stand by him near or far in the same way he has stood by me thru the tough times and supported my dreams and goals even if it means us being apart.. I know myself I am nerveous about being the military girlfriend while we will be going thru so much and being on opposite sides of the country. I love my man very much but it doesn’t mean I don’t feel apprehension about the big changes he is about to go thru.
Thank you for this – my boyfriend is leaving in 3 weeks on a short notice deployment. We have a relatively new relationship, about 6 months, but I have zero doubts of staying together, nor does he. My biggest fear is once he gets there. I have all the support I could need or ask for here and he’s introduced me to military families who I know will pester me until I’m blue in the face – for which I’m so grateful. My fear though is him pulling away. His ex-wife cheated on him 2 1/2 weeks into his last deployment, so I fear there is going to be some deeply-rooted fear in him due to that. How can I provide him comfort and a sense of security?
To be fairly honest with you, this IS old, so you may be through with it, but just send him a letter. Yeah, they may sound outdated, but I told my girlfriend thats what i want. To get just one of those a month to show how much she cares will make me happy .LOL, she asked me what she should put in it. I told her “anything babe, as long as it’s from you I’ll be happy.” yep, outdated and sappy sounding, But to be able to carry those letters and read them at any time will keep me solidly stable, and not to mention happy.
My daughter and her boyfriend of 2 1/2 years broke up month ago as he went into the marines. He did some things that were not very good for a relationship and she still stood by him. About three weeks he decided he did not want to be in a relationship with her anymore and he is on face book dissing her and she is 18 years old and it has broken her heart and he just turned off like a water faucet. I say things to her and she gets upset with me, but instead of letting him go, she hangs on and he still wants her in his life, just as friends and I know that is not going to work. How should she handle this and how do I help her?
Hey, I know she will not want to hear this but she needs to move on and I know it’s hard to just completely move on from something that she has gotten used to but baby steps. She should focus on her self just like he is focusing on himself. If she can handle it, she can just be there for him as a friend, and who knows maybe it’ll turn into more in the future but right now she can’t wait around for him. Let her know that she is strong for not giving up on someone she loves. She should take things a day at a time. If it’s meant to be, it will happen. She needs to give him some space, this doesn’t have to mean everything is over between them two, it can just mean their relationship is on pause for now, She has to do everything on her own at her own pace. What you should do is just be there for her. Try to keep positive thoughts in her mind, if you she she’s feeling down, help her out, help her see the light in all this darkness and hurt she’s feeling. Best of luck!
Not to be rude but I don’t see him as a marine. Sure, we go fight the war, but we aren’t the war. I am 18, my girlfriend is 17. I enlist and go to boot camp this summer. I hope to God that if anything Am will stick by my side, and I would never diss her. Shes my baby, and SHE comes before Marines. The fact that your daughters boyfriend would do that pains me. It sets a bad face on us, I cant do anything for your daughter, but let her know God has plans for her. She will get a good man, a good soldier. He might not even be a military soldier, but he’ll be her soldier, someone who fights for HER.
Hello my name is Lauren too!! My boyfriend is leaving in about 4 months. The days keep going by so fast it’s scary. I need some advice being away from him. How do I cope with the constant stress and anxiety of him being away? How to I cope with the depression of not being able to see him for a long time? I know we’re gonna be together for as long as we can be. I’m hoping that’s forever. But I’m going to school he’s leaving to the army. We’ve agreed not to get married until I’m done with school he really wants me to go. How do I survive dealing with school and someone I’m in love with being away in the army. Btw he’s infantry and he wants to do airborne (not too sure if he really is doing that) I’m not holding him back though no matter how hard it’s gonna be I can do this I just need help and someone who knows what this feels like. I love him so much he’s the best person I’ve ever met so respectful and sweet he’s worth the wait. I’m just scared about my mental health when he leaves.
You will be fine. Everything is going to be OK. Don’t worry him. He has a lot on his mind right now and he is about to leave to boot camp do not add on to that. When he leaves, don’t let yourself get sad, find a hobby, get closer to your family, hang out with you friends, keep yourself busy. Keep a happy, healthy mind. Yes of course, you will get sad sometimes and miss him , that’s normal, but don’t let it eat at you and make you sad for long periods of time, Pick yourself back up and be the happy supportive girlfriend he needs you to be. Be strong for him and most importantly yourself. Write him letters! Express your love and support through them! And always remember that you guys will be reunited soon and that this is all temporary. Enjoy the time you have with him right now! Thank him for everything! Don’t take anything for granted. I hope all goes well.
I am sorry im soo late at reading this. Read my post below if you see this. Remember, you are our anchors, our hops and thought that keep us going, our faith that you’ll stick there by us, Our dreams that bring us through terrors, this might sound sappy, but trust me, you guys really are our world, what we fight for, you need to stay strong for us. See, people outside our families probably will never notice us, but we go in knowing we fight for you. that we are your heroes. remember that.
Thank you so much for this, I don’t have anyone to talk to about being a military girlfriend. My boyfriend is in bootcamp and we just dated for 3 months when he was still a civilian and I gave him the idea of joining the Navy because I’ve been planning to go too, and it turns out that he went first before me. It was really okay for me on that situation, I understand everything until when he leaves for boot camp, I kept on asking “WHY?” to him, it’s just full of “whys” but later on I realized that I shouldn’t seek for answers coming from him, Instead, I kept on looking for the answers to my “Whys” and as the day goes by, It was answered day by day. I think I just really miss his presence especially now I haven’t received his letter yet. This is really hard because no phones are allowed in boot camp.. When I read this, I fully understand now what it is to have your better half in the service. Thank you, thank you.
This is the best article I have ever read….really you are more than just a “girlfriend”. I recently met someone who is now deployed. We are focused on being friends first. I think that is a good place for us to start.
I plan on going into the marines soon. I will be leaving behind my girlfriend and I hope she understands she will be my “rock” and “anchor” we already have worked out that we will try to write to each other as much as possible. I think that will be what gets me through it all, just knowing that yeah, I’m not superman or some great hero to the world, Yet I’m HER hero, and the hero to all those I save who don’t know it. I know this is an old post, people may not read this. But I am very glad Miss Lauren posted this, not only because it touched me but because i plan to give this to my girlfriend to read and know that others stand beside her. It has been a pleasure to also read the comments from “girlfriends” and i hope you have all ranked up and become “wives”. I am truly sorry for those of you who have lost the loved ones in war, but they are still with you. And to Miss K.T. I give my very heart too, I cant think of how it must have felt to have lost him, but know he’s there with you and always will be. I hope if I were to die GOD would allow me to watch over Am, shes really everything to me. I go to boot camp this summer, and if you pray for me I’d surely be obliged, But please pray for Am, as shes the one who worries the most probably. I dedicate this message to all the soldiers who go out, and leave it aimed at the heart of anyone who might read it. We go out for you, We fight for you, And we love and cherish the thoughts of coming home and sweeping you up into our arms and having what anchored us to this world in our grasp. To see the smiles and hear the laugh. We might be the ones who go out, but you all also help us fight. Help us conquer and return. God bless you all, And thank you all again.
HI Lauern, I just read ur story. How long u know him before married him and how u met him in person? U see…I talked to a guy named Nick on okcupid dating website for 4 or 5 days then suddenly he wants to marry me adyer he retire solider and wanta to live with me however I barely know him yet he chose me to be his wife! I’m freaked out cuz never meet him. I talked to several friends and said he’s crazy that he wants me to be wife that I barely know him or his personality and he doesn’t know my personality…how can he just dont get it. I prefer nor too fast and not ready. My friends advice said don’t go with him that I barely know him. So since u are a military wife. Tell me what I do? By the way he is a solider. All I know that I’m not ready to be mrs married yet.
Same here!!!
My recruit just left for bootcamp and during the briefing the day before his parents had me stand outside with their two infants rather than going inside. It was ridiculous that I had driven him there in hopes of learning more about what he was about to go through but all I got was a long hour in the sun with a 1 year old and 3 month old. I learned nothing and I’m basically clueless now because they see me as a useless girlfriend despite the fact we have been dating for almost three years . Don’t want to get married just for the status and benefits but it is very tempting.
Thanks to Dr_mack@yahoo. com for taking the time of bringing my man back to me. I went to 3 different spell casters, but only Dr Mack got the job done. Like I said before I appreciate all his time, effort, and energy used to restore my relationship, My boyfriend admitted he loves me and really want to be in a relationship with me. After 2 years of separation, we are now couples ……
Thank you for this. I just started a relationship with my sailor and i didnt have any idea on how to handle this long distance relp nor his schedule. He does feel down at times and i try to cheer him up in my own way. We havent done any skype yet (he said it was because of the mission) but he texts regularly. And you’re right..people wont understand this kind of relationship. I hope you post more advice on how to be there for the sailor’s in our lives and to newbie girlfriends like me.
Hey I Can Relate To Your Story Very Much I’m A Sailors Girlfriend Aswell And We Just Started This Relationship We’ve Been Together For Three Months Now And He Left A Week Ago For Basic Training If U Have Any Advice For Me I Would Love To Have A Friend Who’s Going Thru The Same Thing I Am And I’m Still Waiting For A Letter From Him. & It Sucks Not Being Able To Talk To Him Everyday So I’d Really Appreciate Any Advice Or Anything And
I just paid for my boyfriend marriage certificate paperwork, he never told me about the liberty pass that I have to pay, I would like to know if it’s all real.
Thank you
I’m just seeing this now and it’s exactly what I needed to hear. My boyfriend is in bootcamp right now & the only thing I have heard since is left is “you’re just a girlfriend and you don’t matter”. It’s been so hard on me listening to these comments and feeling as if I don’t matter at all. We are young, but I’ve been with him for five years already and I know our relationship can last through anything, I just had no idea I would receive such negative comments and that I would be faced with this. Thank you for posting this.
Hi ms lauren, i just read your post here. Im maria from the philippines. I totally had tears as i read this because my boyfriend is in the infantry right now and he will be going to war in a few weeks. He just broke up with me the other night because of a silly arguemebt turns out he is going to war and i feel like he wants to break up with me, he said he love me still but and i do love him too. but breaking up with me is not an option in my opinion so i told him no. i told him that i wont break up with him and that i would stay with him and wait for him to come back. he wants me to move on and find another guy who could give his whole time for me and who will love me more because he said he might not come back and who knows what will happen. but i love him so much. and i cant bear to break up with him because he’s all i love and he’s all i want to be with. we are 10months in a relationship now, still new.. but we know its us we love each other but idk why he is breaking up with me. it just hurts so much but i will support him in everything he wants to do in serving his nation and wait for him to come back.
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I need advice. My boyfriend is in boot camp right now and we have been together for 3 years and I will be 19 in September. We have talked about marrying each other and it is definitely something that we want but i’m not sure when he wants to. He talks about it and talks about it but he still wants it to be a surprise so I have no idea when the time will come. I want it to be soon just in case something happens but then again i would prefer to wait so he knows for sure what he wants. I just sent him a letter asking if we were going to get married but now I regret it. What should I do?
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Hello thank you so very much for your encouraging words. I have a boyfriend in the army he is very loving, caring, jovial, intelligent, humble, trustworthy, God fearing amongst others. He has so many good attributes. Oh yes we are young but we solely understand each other. We are both 25 years old and are distant in relationship because he’s living in the USA and I’m living in the Caribbean. I think he understands me better than I do though. The saddest thing is that we have never met, never video called even before he joined the navy at first I questioned about it because he is always busy even before he entered the navy. It’s been seven months now that we are in a relationship and texted n send audio messages regularly. Before he entered the navy he said that I should promise never to leave him because it would hurt him deeply, he said I mist not leave my throne for no peasant whatever that meant. I promised him and because we are both Christian still but are not from the same assembly we prayed and put God at the front. At first I used to send him sciptures everyday and he would text me everyday and encourages me to stay strong. After they told him to removed all social media the only thing that was left is an email. The last emailed I got from him is in May and he said he’ll be home in June but I’m now in September and I haven’t seen or herd from him. I never have a contact for his family he was asking before though if I wanted to meet his mom without him I told him no but I asked for her contact maybe he didn’t get to read that part of message I’m very weak right now freaking out. I hope he’s OK and if he got injuries I want to be by his side I want to take care of my husband as he always called me wife. In addition to that he said he wanted to marry me as soon as he gets back and he told me to set a date and I choose December. I really want this to work please give me more advice. Thanks a lot
AP
Thank you so much for this. My soon-to-be Sailor graduates boot camp in 2 weeks. Although I, and his family, know that I am more than just a girlfriend, it has been difficult telling people…”Oh yeah, my boyfriend’s in boot camp.” Generally, I just lie and tell them he’s my fiancé because I don’t want others to think that I’m “just the girlfriend.” Honestly, I wouldn’t go through this with anyone other than him. We’re older and living on our own together. We plan to get married, but didn’t want to rush it before boot camp. And I know that I am his rock while he is away. People don’t understand how difficult it is while your best friend is at boot camp. I always feel like people are saying, “Well, at least it’s not deployment!” And that hurts because normally this comes from the people who just don’t understand. Anyway, thank you so much for posting this. I didn’t know how much I needed it until now.
I just want to let you know this blog is amazing! My boyfriend of 7 Years is about to graduate from boot camp at the end of the month and so many emotions and thoughts have ran through me on a daily basis. We’re in our late 20s and I know marriage is in our future and know our journey has just begun but your blog post make it easier knowing what the future could be like and knowing I’m not the only military girlfriend feeling lost. Thank you
This gave me a sense of comfort. My s.o. and I havent been together long, when we got together he hadnt even gone through the meps process, eventually he decided to stay. Well long story short we found out today he leaves in ten days for basic and hes infantry. I know what my place and job is I was just curious if there are any tips you have on handling not getting notified or informed just overall how to handle being “just a girlfriend”?
Hi Lauren! This article was incredibly helpful to read. I’m very new to the army girlfriend community. My boyfriend is still in basic training, but I immediately felt the “just a girlfriend” mentality from the day he left. I went to see him get sworn in the day he shipped out and the recruiter there pulled me aside and pretty much threatened me to not follow him to the airport. Which was absolutely not my game plan or something I would ever interfere with. I was the only girlfriend there so I felt singled out and almost silly that I was there and not a family member. However, he would have had no one there if I didn’t go, so I know I wasn’t in the wrong.
Luckily, his contract is only 2 years plus training but he’s also active duty and I have absolutely no idea what any of that means/entails (he’s a combat medic). I know I want to eventually move to where he is but I was wondering if we had to be married to do that? I love him very much but like you described in your story how you didn’t want to give in to the pressure to marry early I feel the same way. We’re a little older, he’s 26 and I’m 22. I know down the road I want that with him but I just don’t see the rush. I love my career and work for a national corporation so I could transfer anywhere and be just fine! I’m on board with moving once he has a stable location but I don’t want to rush into marriage. Were you able to move with him and live in an off base apartment or something? Like I said I’m super new to this and have no idea what’s next for him/ us. All I know is this is something he’s always wanted to do so I 100% support him, and cannot even put into words how proud I’am. He’s my best friend so to see him finally do this is awesome. I’m happy to go where he goes, but at our own pace!
I love this!! Thanks for the good read and reassurance. I am starting a blog on our journey for some piece of mind as he is off saving the world 🙂 check it out! http://cmillardo.com/
Thank you for this. I’ve been dating a wonderful man for almost a year and we’re facing our first ‘temporary assignment’. It’s just three months but there is the possibility that he’ll have to go overseas for 3 years right after. I’m trying my best to be supportive but I’m struggling with not knowing what’s going to happen next. And being just a girlfriend, I don’t know how to support him, maintain a distance relationship and continue to pursue my career and care for my kids. Everything is new and slightly frightening right now. I’m so grateful I found your blog.
That mean so much to me just now reading that. People call me crazy for believing that one day I might get married to my airman boyfriend. I’ve never had a love or stronger bond with anyone else in this world. And I’ve spent night crying because I haven’t been able to talk to him. I pray that God helps guide me through this time. I prayed that he would share something with me tonight that will help encourage me. He did. I found this message. So thank you for taking the time to write that.
This is encouraging. My boyfriend is in the army and he has been gone for over a year. We were barely 3months into the relationship before he left for war as an infantry. It has been a very rough time for us as we barely communicate………sometimes once or twice a month if network permits…..
Thanks alot Lauren……
Much love. I am with you love. That is so rough. And tough.
Hi, I’m Seleena. I would say my story is a complicated one. My father was active duty for over thirty years and I grew with deployments grew to understand them. But I met my partner nearly 3 years ago and he while he was active duty but he was med boarding out. So I thought I would never have to go through something like this. But it’s two years since he’s gotten out and now he’s deploying again but this time as civilian (contract job in Afghanistan). I started to research as much I a can for civilian developments but I brings to military deployments. I know it’s the same but, we are not married and we have me similarities from I read here. And I’ve never dealt with anything like this before and my parent(s) i.e. mom wasn’t much help. But I’m looking for some advice and how to deal with this as a partner.
Our experience began in 1976 a pointedly different era for military service and from what I can see the military seems to be more supportive institutionally than we could have even imagined back then.
Cheryl and I had just reached the ripe age of seventeen I on October 6th.
On 6 OCT 76 I left Oakland for Basic Training at Ft. Dix New Jersey. I would not trade the benefit I earned or change the Man I became in large part because of how service as a soldier in the Army improved me from the core of my existence.
Sgt. West assured us that we made the best move because we were going to be married after basic and we were expecting our first of what we hoped would be several children.
Notwithstanding that I am at heart a peace loving fellow, a military career was starting to look like a good fit for us. Sgt West said the Army would be a solid partner like having a new family to look out for us.
I blame only myself but want to express to anyone reading this. FOR MANY REASONS getting married and making a commitment to serve in our military require equal amounts of sacrifice and Love.
It did not work out for Cheryl and I. I am sure that although I still feel deep angst it is our son who suffered the most.
My grandson who is graduating high school is considering enlisting together with his fiance because he wants to avoid being straddled by a huge student loan debt.
I am very proud of my service. I hope that it will work out for them…
Olivia Stephen form Tx,USA.
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I just would like to thank you Lauren the author of this for sharing. I really needed to read this. Put me in tears. I’m in a very complicated situation with my boyfriend. Not only the military keeping us apart but we are already having the distance. Like I’m in Asia. And he’s in the state. So seriously reading all these encouraging comments mean a lot to me. Thank you for sharing.
I am new to being close to the military. My soon to be husband left for boot camp about a month ago and its been harder than i thought. I’ve gotten 2 letters and just received the mailing address but i have my moments of sadness with him gone and my moments of knowing everything is worth it. It has truly made me feel bipolar sometimes but its worth it. All my friends don’t understand and get annoyed by my concerns with it, i could really use someone who understands it to talk to to make this a little easier.
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Thank you so much for this. I feel everything you’ve said from the bottom of my heart. I needed this reassurance, as my love is going off to deployment very soon. We’ve been talking about marriage and although I know our hearts are there, the time may not be right. This post has given me a great sense of level headedness, thank you again. God bless.
Hi Feb! I am in a similar situation right now. I would like to know how you cope with his deployment. Thanks
Ana
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I am a new military girlfriend who has been in a long distance relationship for about a year and a half. we have made plans to get married but now my army boyfriend will be deployed. It means that I need to wait another year for him. I would like to find a group of military girlfriends who can give me any support or just share our experience. I have been through so many emotions. I would really appreciate your help.
Ana
Hi Ana,
best of luck to you and you bf! I’m sure you and him will get through this one more year as well! I can only imagine how you must feel! I’d love to chat and maybe we can help each other with a bit of comfort.
Although my boyfriend isn’t getting deployed (yet), he has to go back to the states and I won’t be able to come with him as I don’t have a visa for the states. He’s only just found out when and where he as to go, and I’m on an emotional roller coaster for the last few days. I promised myself to be as strong about this as he is, but sometimes, when he’s not around I fall to pieces and don’t know how to handle all of this.
We don’ have any plans to get married, as we both don’t feel ready yet. So we’re kind of stuck about what’s going to happen.
Claudia
I have a quick question? I was wondering how long u guys were together before he insisted into the miltary. When he goes into the military we will have been together for a year in a half. I’m not really sure what all to aspect when he deploy or anything readying this helped a little however I was wondering if you could give me some advice into what all i should aspect as a miltdary girlfriend soon to come.
My boyfriend is going to go to boot camp and I was wondering if there is anything I can do to make the transition easier for the both of us. I don’t know how I’ll be able to go on with my day without talking to him. Any advice?
I’m really having hard time adjusting with this whole situation missing my fiance crying from time to time, but I try to stay strong and focus on my business it works but really hard not hearing from him but I know he’s on deployment and his ok… he just got station in Nigeria and it so hard because he not allow to have his cell phone because the location of his duty… so I’m just waiting for that special tone on my cell phone,
I am young and still and high school, I have been told constantly I’m too young to be in this serious of a relationship. but I’ve been here through all of it. my boyfriend is about to leave for boot camp and I’m trying to make everything easy and better for his family. I’m sure most people who read this comment will think the same thing everyone else does. that I’m in high school, we are young it probably won’t last but I was you to know this has made me feel better. I pray we stay together and I pray everything is okay for us but who knows and I know from what I read our situations are very different but this really helped me in a time where I feel lost and basically at the bottom of the totem pole and least important because im just his girlfriend and i am young.
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I so needed this right now. My boyfriend and I have a beautiful relationship. The first month he deployed, when he had a lot of time and energy because he was acclimating to his new location, or communication was very similar to when he was home – lots of texting, phone calls, and sweet messages. Since then, he’s been distant. I know he’s busy, but he hardly speaks to me. I keep showing him love but it’s disheartening to not receive the same effort even though I’m aware of his circumstances. This post though…this is what I needed to hear today <3
I definitely try to stay strong everyday. My bf and I are looking at places to live together when he is done serving and I’m so excited to start our little family. Even l though I’m just a gf— I feel like I’m missing the other half of my soul and I don’t feel “complete” ever. until I hear his voice and I know he’s safe .today. I love him so much so I write a lot and paint to help calm me down. Never thought about reaching out to other strong females and to hear out their different perspective. Praying he doesn’t go over seas right now things are crazy politically. So I just pray for his and others safety. I love him and I can’t wait till we marry and to give him children. I’m so proud of him!