Deployment
I remember several years back when my husband was preparing to leave for a military deployment. He was in serious packing mode. Of course, he realized 47 things he forgot to pack the night before he was supposed to leave. Our house looked like it had been ransacked. Stuff flying everywhere. This was our normal. He was leaving for a war zone in less than 24 hours, and this is how we were ‘savoring the moment.’
Those could’ve literally been the last hours we ever spent together, and that is how it was going down—him packing, me cleaning. Fast forward a few deployments later, and not much has changed. Before a deployment we both tend to “get in the zone.” He prepares for the mission before him; I prepare to hold our life together without him. It’s simply our survival mode. Sometimes facing the true emotion of his departure is too challenging for either of us.
I suppose this is true of our time during deployment as well. We keep on with our separate lives, staying connected as much as possible. We grow and learn together as husband and wife during each separation—our marriage grows—and yet there is still a distance that exists after distance.
Even after multiple deployments I still struggle with reintegration. I still struggle with learning to reconnect with my spouse.
So here are a few things I always like to remind myself of when deployment ends and homecoming starts…
Prepare for mixed emotions.
Feelings of joy, excitement, anxiety, apprehension, restlessness, impatience….
Homecoming really is a snowball of mixed feelings. I always try to remind myself that emotions are not good or bad. They just are. Once my husband is home I try to focus on all the things I missed about him while he was gone. We try to take a date night within a few days of his return just to talk. A great conversation with him is a great way to reconnect.
Easier said than done…but worth every effort for us. We try to make great conversations happen by setting aside a few hours just to talk and catch up. We literally schedule the time in if we need to. And then we just talk…
Hey, what’s up?
How are you really doing?
I’m so happy you are here, but I’m adjusting.
I would love to learn more about what you did while we were apart.
Maintain realistic expectations.
It’s easy to mull over how the reintegration will go, but the truth is you’ll never know exactly what will happen. Fairytale reunions don’t exist and marriage is far from perfect. Sometimes it takes a bit to reconnect. That’s okay.
I’ve learned…
To let go of my need to control the household after he returns.
To allow for a few bumps along the way.
To allow him to be the parent and husband that he is trying be.
And to reconnect each day as best we can.
Change inevitably occurs during time apart.
Change is a normal part of life. It’s expected, but change is hard too. I always focus on how we can create our new normal. That we can’t keep searching for our pre-deployment marriage. It’s long gone. We changed and grew during our time apart and now our marriage is anew. We focus on our changes as a good thing, and many times they are.
Deployment is an amazing opportunity for self-improvement. To grow as a person. To become better. Think about how the changes in both you and your spouse will help your marriage thrive in the future. We can all grow and learn and become better together.
Communicate, communicate, communicate.
One of the best ways to reconnect is to visit a place of common ground. Learning to turn the technology off and share your experiences and thoughts about the separation is an important place to start. We often look back through photo albums together and reminisce about our life together.
It helps us feel close and reminds us why we ended up together in the first place. Sharing our experiences (the really awesome and the downright horrible) during times of separation and reunion can really bring us back to center.
Minimize the conflict.
I always try to remind myself that conflict is not determined by the person who initiates, but by the person who responds. While I’m completely guilty of responding with conflict, I’m learning to give more, take less. To communicate smarter, not harder. One great way to do this is to channel the “I feel” statements…
When you (blank), I feel (blank). Works every time. Non-abrasive. Non-confrontational. Just open ended and simple.
Encourage each other.
Words are powerful. Encouraging words are even more powerful and help a healthy marriage thrive. Sometimes a simple ‘Thanks for doing that’ or ‘I’m so glad you are here’ can really go a long way. Encouraging your spouse not only instills support and confidence within them, it literally places courage in them. A well placed line of encouragement is a catalyst for reconnection, softening a spouse’s heart and bringing you closer together.
Wrapping it up.
If you struggle to reconnect after a deployment, you are not alone. There is a whole military community out there experiencing the same exact thing. No matter the time spent apart, there is often a time to adjustment and reconnect. If your reunion is easy, that’s great. Sometimes reunions truly are easy. But if you are struggling, we’ve all been there too. Know that tough times don’t last, tough people do.
Want more on military life?
- 43 Awesome Tips Every New Military Wife Needs to Know
- The Real Reason Being a Military Wife is So Hard
- Military Homecoming Tips That Will Make Reintegration Less Stressful
- 6 Military Homecoming Outfits to Make Him Swoon
How do you reconnect with your spouse after a military deployment? Let’s chat in the comments!
Great insight! I can’t imagine what you strong women go through!
Thanks. It’s a whirlwind sometimes!
Thank you for sharing! This is our first deployment. I would be lying if I said it hasn’t been tough. I know with it almost being over, that we still have a long road to travel in order to rediscover us.
You’re welcome! I hope your homecoming goes well.
Do you have a book I can purchase?
Thank you so much for this post. My fiance has just gotten back from a 7.5 months deployment and I’m finding it hard to know how much space to give him and how much information I can share. I don’t want to over load him or stress him out, but I like your advice on scheduling a “talking session”. That way it doesn’t come out if the blue and certain subjects can be addressed.
I hope it goes well for you!
We have just had a very similar length of deployment and I am feeling the same. I feel so bad trying to get him to talk as I know he is struggling to adjust and therefore goes very quite. At the same time, I am feeling so anxious and lost as to what he is thinking and wanting to know what I can do to help him. I might try scheduling a time just to see if we can talk about anything. Thank you for the great article and sharing. It is nice to know I am not the only one feeling this way after 7 months of being separated. Sometimes you feel all alone in this game.
Ashra Koehn https://tinyurl.com/yaad997d was spot on about the problems affecting my wife. After spell casting my wife came back quickly. Keep up the good work!
Matt Tremblay
London, UK
I’m in the final countdown until my husband comes home from a 10 month deployment. I should be excited but my anxiety is taking over, I know the reintegration process is going to be difficult. He left when our son was 8 months old and I was 3 months pregnant. Now he’s coming home to a brand new baby and a crazy toddler. He and I have stressed the importance of setting aside time for us to talk and refamiliate ourselves with one another. I love your blog! I’ve read at least 8 posts in the last few days hoping I can make this transition as easy as possible! Thank you for your honesty and advice! ?
I’m waiting for my boyfriend of 7 years to return from a 12 month deployment in the next month or 2, as it could get extended, depending on how travel restrictions go with this crazy COVID world we are still in. Do you have any advice of how to reconnect in such a short time frame? We have about a week before he needs to return to work, and I continue to work after a week off. I want to just spend every waking minute with him, but he keeps telling me he has things he also has to get done, which I completely understand and respect. I want to enjoy each other’s company as there is obviously lots of catching up to do and would love all attention on me and be able to do things together. But, know he does need to prepare for getting back into the civilian side of things. Any advice is much appreciated!
This was a very helpful read! I really appreciate this. I am waiting for the return of soldier. I get a bit of anxiety about the homecoming, so getting insight like this really helps.
Can so relate to this! My partner has been home after 7 months deployment.
As happy I was to see him, I knew it wouldn’t be easy. It feels like a huge intrusion in our home.
This is great information because I am on a roller coaster of emotions right now! The 1 year deployment in Afghanistan will be over when hubby arrives tomorrow at noon. His special request is just to have his wife and kids waiting for him, so here we are… we will take it slow though… I just have to control my mouth from running a thousand miles and hour, haha…
Thank you for the assurance…
I been in the urge to post for help here. My husband is finally coming home from his 7 month deployment our first deployment so he is finally coming home in like 8 days , everything was perfect we talk video chat everyday and dreaming for his return planning the day he came home. Saturday was the last day he talk to me on the phone not video just phone call. He told me they change him to like a camping house with 10 other military man and that it was not comfortable calling. He Tex me monday Tuesday lovely and just normal he did call me on Tuesday and was ignoring me like I was talking to him and his reply was yes oh ok umm like he wasn’t with me . I told him today oh you sound weird are you ok I been with you for so long that I know something is not right. He replied I been overthinking about my desisions I been made and myself and please don’t call me. …. I was like what just happened to my husband??? This is our first deployment and he is been serving for 3 years and yeah I am worried and a lot of things are going in my mind .
I just went through a year long deployment with my fiance. Ever since he came home things have been extremely different. He has had a rough time transitioning and even though its been almost 3 months since he came home, it only seems to get harder. We have 6 kids and also have his mother, father and brother living with us. It is super helpful to have them around, especially while he was gone. Kept all of us busy and looking forward to the day that he was back in our arms. And then once he got home he no longer acted the same way around me. He used to be very affectionate and loving. When he came home he would not sleep in our bed or next to me for that matter and he still doesnt to this day. He had told me that he was not sure if he wanted our relationship anymore, that I deserved someone better than him. No matter how many times or even how many ways I said he was wrong he still said it over and over again. It turns out that he has been harboring some suicidal thoughts. I felt as if I failed him as a partner to not catch onto it sooner. However, he expressed that our relationship was not something he wanted anymore, so helping him was even harder to do just because he would not let me in to help. Now I feel like I have to tread lightly around him. I am pushing down the thoughts that I have of him wanting to be with anyone else and maybe that is why he does not want to be with me anymore. When I tell him I am worried about him he tells me that I cant be..that I shouldn’t be or he just answers with a no. I am confused on whether I am supposed to continue on like this or if I should prompt the question of us being together again. Is it too soon for me to ask him to start our relationship again? Or is there something that I am missing? I don’t see how during the whole deployment it was I love you and I miss you and I cant wait to see you and the kids again and I cant wait to spend my life with you to I do not want this relationship anymore and I cant sit in the same room as you without being dead silent. Life is really confusing now and I am trying really hard to be strong for my kids but at the end of the day, I only have so much strength to look at the person that I love and watch them go through something so terrible that they don’t want me around to see them go through it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.