You probably don’t know this, but when my husband and I were first dating, I actually asked him to get out of the military.
I saw a future with him.
I saw marriage with him.
And nowhere in that equation did being a military wife exist.
Because as a child of multiple divorces (Yes, both my parents divorced twice. Once from each other, and once each from a second marriage), I knew what every marriage goes up against—the tough stuff.
image by PO1 Jon Rasmussen, identified by DVIDS
I saw military life as a huge barrier to a successful marriage. From deployments to moving all the time to the consequences of war, military life takes regular everyday marriage problems and catapults them towards troubled waters.
Well, at least in my mind that’s what I was thinking.
My husband and I broke up for a period of time over the whole military thing. I wanted him to get out, and he wanted to stay. In the same breath, he wanted me to leave my life behind to follow him, and of course, I wanted to stay.
Neither one of us wanted to leave behind the life that we loved.
After being separated for a period of time, I was in a very dark place. Miserable without him, it was easy for me to see that civilian life without him was FAR WORSE than any military life with him.
That was the beginning of my journey into this military wife and mom life. That was the moment I decided to put on my big girl panties and do this military life thing. Maybe you’ve felt that moment too. The moment when you realize you’re not just gonna tough this thing out, you’re gonna rock this!
And that’s why being a military wife is so hard…
Because you have to put on your big girl panties—A LOT.
Being a Military Wife is Hard Because….
You’ve got to hold it together when your service member leaves to work in a really dangerous place for months on end or more.
You’ve got to be okay with moving half way around the world from your family.
You’ve got to be okay with your service member missing all the special stuff like birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, or gasp….the birth of your child.
You’ve got to be okay with putting your career on the back burner sometimes because moving all over the place and maintaining a career isn’t as easy as it looks.
You’ve got to be okay with letting go some of the control in your life because Lord knows the military is going to make some big life decisions for you.
You’ve got to be okay with leaving close friends and family behind while you start a new life.
You’ve got to be okay with having a courthouse wedding when you really wanted a big one because military life or a deployment prevented it from working out that way.
You’ve got to be okay with facing way more drama in the military community than you ever wished.
You’ve got to be okay with parenting alone and feeling lonely sometimes.
You’ve got to be okay with making new friends over and over and over again.
You’ve got to be okay with spending as much of your marriage apart as you do together.
You’ve got to be okay with talking about death, dying, and the traumatic effects of war.
You’ve got to be okay with finding the positive in the midst of really, really hard.
You’ve got to be okay choosing happiness in the midst of some really challenging circumstances.
And you will be okay…
Because you are strong, resilient and tougher than even YOU imagine at this very moment.
But it’s all of these things, and so much more, that make life as a military wife so hard sometimes. Because you never realize how many big girl panties you are gonna need until you are neck deep into this whole thing.
It’s a lot of big girl panties.
It’s just a lot.
Want more on military life?
- 3 Telltale Signs You’re Friends With an Awesome Military Spouse
- 18 Ways Military Life Changes You for the Better
- The One Thing You Miss Most During Deployment
- 7 Myths About Military Life Debunked
How do you work through the challenges of military life? Let’s chat in the comments!
Hannah
Wow, this just made me cry. My husband is a reservist, we got married at the DMV, he left for delployment while I was pregnant, missed the first 9 months. When he got home we lived in an air bnb. The entire time we have been here not making life decisions like home buying, more kids, my career change waiting for his WOC packet to be approved. When It got approved, I panicked because for some reason he never has answers about how or when… Also because I see him moving forward and not going anywhere because I had it together when he goes away. I seriously got angry yesterday when I got more “I don’t know” when, where or how we will live.
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SF
This post is amazing! Are you inside my head right now?! 😉
Im European so Im in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend in the military in the US. Hes in for life. We`ve been together and travelled back and forth for 2 years now and still going strong. What I have learned and understood about the military spouses.. Heroes!
How do you do it?
We´re supposed to “close the distance” some time this year and everything in your post is on my mind. Am I ready for it, can I do it all + leaving my home and family in Europe on top? Can I visit them when he gets deployed again? Ooooffff…
Hah! I need to find my big girl panties for this decision!
Thank you for your post and thanks to the spouses for sharing. It really makes it easier, to see how big the community is and how you support each other! I hope to join you one day very soon.
Kate
Thank you SO Much for sharing, I seriously needed this. We got married in August and dated for a year before that but it has been so tough. He was supposed to get of the military next February, but instead he applied for Officer School and was accepted so now we’re in for 20 years instead of 12 more months. I love him so much and would never want to be without him, but I have seriously been struggling with this Military first, he’s second and I’m third thing. Thank you for sharing your story, it makes me feel like I’m not horrible or crazy, but just human.
Phillip
Is there any reason why this post was written with gender specific nouns/pronouns? I mean this constructively – the post comes across as out-of-touch (only addresses female spouses) and I think your message would be better conveyed if it was more inclusive and representative of all military spouses.
Sonia
I’m on the verge of calling it quits, after 23 almost 24 years of marriage, and 22 years in service, my sadness is getting worse and worse lately, every time we Are arguing ascot every little thing and no matter if he ask me what is wrong that our can tell him, I end up been the bad one, the one I don’t understand, the one who according to him haven’t sacrifice anything, the one I’m not on the aunt and don’t understand, the one who’s jobs are Nikon and don’t matter because doesn’t compare to be in the Army, the one according to him that haven’t make an worry to understand his career after 22 years. All I do is Fri feel wry a.c. Try not to eau anything at all. I can’t with this anymore. But at the same time my kids are old teenagers and all yet have seen is a successful marriage a.c. I feel trap. I wish I will go to sleep ad’s never wake up.
Soba
Sorry for all the misspelled words, I used autocorrect, and I just wanted to get it out
* Every time we argue about every little thing
* The one who is not in the Army
* the one who’s jobs are nothing because doesn’t compare to be the Army
* according to him I haven’t make a effort to understand
* all I do is cry fell empty and try not to say anything at all.
* All have seen is a successful
*i feel trap, I wish I will go to sleep ad’s never wake up.