You probably don’t know this, but when my husband and I were first dating, I actually asked him to get out of the military.
I saw a future with him.
I saw marriage with him.
And nowhere in that equation did being a military wife exist.
Because as a child of multiple divorces (Yes, both my parents divorced twice. Once from each other, and once each from a second marriage), I knew what every marriage goes up against—the tough stuff.
image by PO1 Jon Rasmussen, identified by DVIDS
I saw military life as a huge barrier to a successful marriage. From deployments to moving all the time to the consequences of war, military life takes regular everyday marriage problems and catapults them towards troubled waters.
Well, at least in my mind that’s what I was thinking.
My husband and I broke up for a period of time over the whole military thing. I wanted him to get out, and he wanted to stay. In the same breath, he wanted me to leave my life behind to follow him, and of course, I wanted to stay.
Neither one of us wanted to leave behind the life that we loved.
After being separated for a period of time, I was in a very dark place. Miserable without him, it was easy for me to see that civilian life without him was FAR WORSE than any military life with him.
That was the beginning of my journey into this military wife and mom life. That was the moment I decided to put on my big girl panties and do this military life thing. Maybe you’ve felt that moment too. The moment when you realize you’re not just gonna tough this thing out, you’re gonna rock this!
And that’s why being a military wife is so hard…
Because you have to put on your big girl panties—A LOT.
Being a Military Wife is Hard Because….
You’ve got to hold it together when your service member leaves to work in a really dangerous place for months on end or more.
You’ve got to be okay with moving half way around the world from your family.
You’ve got to be okay with your service member missing all the special stuff like birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, or gasp….the birth of your child.
You’ve got to be okay with putting your career on the back burner sometimes because moving all over the place and maintaining a career isn’t as easy as it looks.
You’ve got to be okay with letting go some of the control in your life because Lord knows the military is going to make some big life decisions for you.
You’ve got to be okay with leaving close friends and family behind while you start a new life.
You’ve got to be okay with having a courthouse wedding when you really wanted a big one because military life or a deployment prevented it from working out that way.
You’ve got to be okay with facing way more drama in the military community than you ever wished.
You’ve got to be okay with parenting alone and feeling lonely sometimes.
You’ve got to be okay with making new friends over and over and over again.
You’ve got to be okay with spending as much of your marriage apart as you do together.
You’ve got to be okay with talking about death, dying, and the traumatic effects of war.
You’ve got to be okay with finding the positive in the midst of really, really hard.
You’ve got to be okay choosing happiness in the midst of some really challenging circumstances.
And you will be okay…
Because you are strong, resilient and tougher than even YOU imagine at this very moment.
But it’s all of these things, and so much more, that make life as a military wife so hard sometimes. Because you never realize how many big girl panties you are gonna need until you are neck deep into this whole thing.
It’s a lot of big girl panties.
It’s just a lot.
Want more on military life?
- 3 Telltale Signs You’re Friends With an Awesome Military Spouse
- 18 Ways Military Life Changes You for the Better
- The One Thing You Miss Most During Deployment
- 7 Myths About Military Life Debunked
How do you work through the challenges of military life? Let’s chat in the comments!
Allison X
Your article helped me feel like I’m not the only one struggling, thank you. I’m a nurse married to an Airman and 2016 has been a very rough year. I had to move twice and now we’re in a state far away from friends and family. Thankfully I found a full time job that keeps me busy, or else I would lose it. My husband isn’t happy with his job and it’s going to be a long three years before we can move. I respect those who are suited to military life, because it’s a difficult lifestyle that few truly understand. I feel like a bad and unsupportive wife because this lifestyle isn’t what I want. I’m also in a contract with my employer that will expire after my husband is eligible to get out of the Air Force, meaning I will be stuck in a small town for months and have to find a new place to live while he finds a new home and job in another state. I think military life works only for traditional families where the wife stays at home. Hopefully others can enjoy their experience, wish I could say the same for my family.
Lavendertea
Wow. I’ve been crying all night and this is exactly what I needed. Thank you
Jessyca Johnson
I meet my husband several years ago. Been together for 2 years, married for 3 months, He wants to join the military. I was given a choice to leave him or go ahead with this plan. Now i can not follow him. My oldest daughter has a different father. Ill have to stay put. I am not able to handle any of this. I spent 2 years in a long distance relationship and i spend 2 years in misery. I can’t loose my husband but i can not go thru that again and on top of all the other difficulty’s of being a military wife that i didn’t choose. What should i do?
Kae
Hi Jessica, I’m so sorry that’s so terribly hard. I’m just reading your comment now as I just found this blog– what did you end up doing? How are you doing??
lorie
Thank you for sharing your life… i am a military wife from Philippines and is still on the process of embracing the life i chose with a military man.. Its been a decade yet i still have lots of adjustments and confusions.. we’ve been through a lot of conflicts and series of misunderstandings. i am just thankful to have family support especially from my mother. i do not know what’s instored for us in the coming years. Praying for divine providence!
Julie
I love this article so much. What I connect to the most is how it isn’t sugar coated. This is really how it is. When women write all the struggles and end with but I wouldn’t have it any other way. It makes no sense to me. I think many of us wish for another way throughout, that’s just reality. Although it really depends on multiple factors how well someone can handle a military spouse role (family support, health, sometimes age) and what can be achieved in their lives. It is very true that sometimes it’s not a choice whether a spouse can have a career or follow their own dreams. That can be sad, but one can find in the community usually something fulfilling. This was so helpful to read and share. Thank you!
Kaylee
My boyfriend and I just broke up. He is in the air force and we were together for 2 1/2 years. One of those years he was deployed and he was sent back to another state and I moved to be with him. So we went from dating for a few months, to being apart for a year, to living together. I think it all became too real for me too fast. Ever since moving to be with him I couldn’t shake the fear of how difficult a military life will be. I have been fighting an internal struggle for over a year because I love and care about him but I am so afraid that me and what I want will always come second. I am also not always great at adjusting to change which is really guaranteed to happen in the military. It just got to the point where I felt very disconnected from him and I was always picking fights over every little thing or difference and jumping to the worst conclusions, and know matter what he did to help it just wouldn’t be enough. I felt like I was destroying any good we had and I decided to leave before any chance of a relationship was completely lost. I am going to go to counseling to try and work on myself and figure out where all of my fears are coming from but I don’t know maybe I am just not cut out for this. Right now we are taking this time apart to figure out what we both want but I keep jumping to worst case scenario and thinking life would just be easier if we aren’t together. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you.
clara
how dod your story continue?
Kae
Hey Kaylee, that’s really hard. I share the same concerns. Everything does come 2nd to the military, and it’s a distant 2nd. Gets me wondering– what’s the point? How are things going for you now??
Kaylee
I am still working on improving myself and trying to get to a healthier place. With the distance I have felt like I do want to be with him and it can work, unfortunately he does not feel the same and told me he does not think we will work. This has been one of the most difficult things for me to deal with because I think if we had communicated better and gone to counseling then we could have made it work. I honestly think he retreated into his work and is trying to forget me altogether which was one of my fears. Maybe things can change in the future but right now it does not seem that way. Sorry my story did not have a better ending. All I can say is that if things aren’t working in your relationship don’t try to fix it all yourself, go to counseling and really try to work through it before giving up.
cozette
In 2 weeks, I will be a Military wife.
I’m 20 years old, he is 26.
He was actually my Bible group leader at my church in a new city I moved to alone at 18, Which is how we met. I’m back in my ‘hometown’ now because my mom was sick this summer, But, in a few weeks we will be together again, at last…. <3 Our engagement has been short, but both of us agreed that we have never been so sure of anything before in our lives. September 30th, 2017 cannot come close enough.
I've already lived on my own across the country from my home town for almost 2 years, working and going to school; so of course in my head I think i'm strong,independent, well traveled and can do anything.
I sense i'm in for a bit of a reality check…
I'm not sure what i'm trying to say here, what i'm trying to ask. But I think I just wanted to share my story so that I wouldn't feel alone.
Of course my friends and family think its all crazy, and would prefer me to wait around until I meet someone that's NOT in the military… Maybe a lawyer or a doctor, someone who will stay still with my forever. They would prefer me to stay in this silly old town forever and be exactly where i don't belong.
Here.
no.
Look at what God has given me, why would I throw this away. This will all pass no matter what, Yeah some families get to spend time together day in and day out, but in the light of eternity… what's the difference. It's a molecule difference of time.
When you think of the reason for of all of this. Of life…
Which is to Glorify God in all things. In all circumstances,..
The fact that I will have the HONOR of being a wife to this amazing, strong Godly man… What more could I ask for?
I THANK you GOD.
I cannot even begin to fathom how excited I am to see what the future holds, I know the Military is going to play a huge part in my life for a long while, We are going to struggle. We are going to fall. But I must admit; this is right up my alley. 😉
Noelle
Wow this must be years later but if you see this, could you tell me how are things going for you? This is similar to my life and i would love to hear from someone else