You probably don’t know this, but when my husband and I were first dating, I actually asked him to get out of the military.
I saw a future with him.
I saw marriage with him.
And nowhere in that equation did being a military wife exist.
Because as a child of multiple divorces (Yes, both my parents divorced twice. Once from each other, and once each from a second marriage), I knew what every marriage goes up against—the tough stuff.
image by PO1 Jon Rasmussen, identified by DVIDS
I saw military life as a huge barrier to a successful marriage. From deployments to moving all the time to the consequences of war, military life takes regular everyday marriage problems and catapults them towards troubled waters.
Well, at least in my mind that’s what I was thinking.
My husband and I broke up for a period of time over the whole military thing. I wanted him to get out, and he wanted to stay. In the same breath, he wanted me to leave my life behind to follow him, and of course, I wanted to stay.
Neither one of us wanted to leave behind the life that we loved.
After being separated for a period of time, I was in a very dark place. Miserable without him, it was easy for me to see that civilian life without him was FAR WORSE than any military life with him.
That was the beginning of my journey into this military wife and mom life. That was the moment I decided to put on my big girl panties and do this military life thing. Maybe you’ve felt that moment too. The moment when you realize you’re not just gonna tough this thing out, you’re gonna rock this!
And that’s why being a military wife is so hard…
Because you have to put on your big girl panties—A LOT.
Being a Military Wife is Hard Because….
You’ve got to hold it together when your service member leaves to work in a really dangerous place for months on end or more.
You’ve got to be okay with moving half way around the world from your family.
You’ve got to be okay with your service member missing all the special stuff like birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, or gasp….the birth of your child.
You’ve got to be okay with putting your career on the back burner sometimes because moving all over the place and maintaining a career isn’t as easy as it looks.
You’ve got to be okay with letting go some of the control in your life because Lord knows the military is going to make some big life decisions for you.
You’ve got to be okay with leaving close friends and family behind while you start a new life.
You’ve got to be okay with having a courthouse wedding when you really wanted a big one because military life or a deployment prevented it from working out that way.
You’ve got to be okay with facing way more drama in the military community than you ever wished.
You’ve got to be okay with parenting alone and feeling lonely sometimes.
You’ve got to be okay with making new friends over and over and over again.
You’ve got to be okay with spending as much of your marriage apart as you do together.
You’ve got to be okay with talking about death, dying, and the traumatic effects of war.
You’ve got to be okay with finding the positive in the midst of really, really hard.
You’ve got to be okay choosing happiness in the midst of some really challenging circumstances.
And you will be okay…
Because you are strong, resilient and tougher than even YOU imagine at this very moment.
But it’s all of these things, and so much more, that make life as a military wife so hard sometimes. Because you never realize how many big girl panties you are gonna need until you are neck deep into this whole thing.
It’s a lot of big girl panties.
It’s just a lot.
Want more on military life?
- 3 Telltale Signs You’re Friends With an Awesome Military Spouse
- 18 Ways Military Life Changes You for the Better
- The One Thing You Miss Most During Deployment
- 7 Myths About Military Life Debunked
How do you work through the challenges of military life? Let’s chat in the comments!
arizbeth zuniga
this helped me a lot.. my boyfriend is going into the army and it just scares me because im scared to lose him.. youre a strong person and i hope to be as strong as you.
Lauren Tamm
You are a lot stronger than you think! Hang in there!
Lauren
Melissa Schreur
Thanks for being so honest in this post! Two years married to my coastie I certainly have realized how many big girl panties it takes to keep it all together. Sometime I feel guilty for thinking our marriages are more challenging than civilian marriages but it really doesn’t compare. So much uncertainty and chaos at times. The homecomings and deep love makes it all worth while!
Lauren Tamm
Despite all the challenges of military life, I wouldn’t change it for the world. The homecomings and love really do make it worth while.
Alexandra Romanov
I have found that being a military wife is most difficult due to long periods of separation where military experiences change a person to such an extent that couples grow apart due to the behaviors acquired during service, surfacing in a marriage. Later in life, these factors often introduce severe dysfunction. I found that I did not really know my spouse any more, that he was more than a control freak, and that our expectations of marriage had changed drastically from our original plans. Now, we are more of a domestic partnership marriage later in life, even with children still in school. My hope is that my boys do not acquire military tactics and behavior for use at home.
Alexandra Romanov, Retired General, 5 Stars, US Military, All Branches
“American Sniper” Screenwriter, Composer, Actor, Art Designer, Sound Engineering Team
https://www.linkedin.com/in/alexandraromanova
Katya
Thanks for your feedback, Alexandra. This was also a thought and a major concern of mine– even if a marriage gets through the years of service and nobody is killed, is that person even the same anymore? Do you even have anything to talk about and connect through anymore? Are you even “partners” anymore? Plus I could imagine that it’d be impossible to truly enjoy the time you do have together because you know and have ceaseless anxiety about the fact that he’s leaving again…. It’s only a matter of time. I don’t know how a relationship could be fulfilling under such circumstances. It seems emotionally toxic and unhealthy, particularly for the woman who isn’t out there with her husband.
Jacqueline
I really needed to read this today. We are in Korea .. and boy it feels lonely. I am beyond excited for the experience, but it is coming with some major challenges.. It is easy to be hard on yourself and sometimes you need to give yourself a little grace. Your post gave me some.. I can now keep moving… 🙂
Lauren Tamm
Oh Jacqueline, I’m so glad this encouraged you. It does feel lonely sometimes, doesn’t it? I relate so much. You are among friends. Come back soon and say hi again.
Gabe
I am recently engaged to the man of my dreams, I am young… very young and struggling with the distance part of things. I am trying to be strong for everyone else because I know his mom is going through hell and back because of him heading down to fort benning for basic training. He is ONLY gone for 4 months but it honestly is taking such a toll on me, even though I pretend its nothing.. Im young so all of my friends just have the “oh that sucks” and “youll be fine” attitudes and no real advice. I dont really know what sort of advice Im looking for because being the fiance of a military guy was not in my plan for us either. I guess Im just looking for proof that it will be okay and that he wont become a robot…
Lauren Tamm
Hey Gabe…I guess your proof–in a way–could be the 1.2 million military spouses who are making it work 🙂 “Okay” is relative to the eye of the beholder. Is military life hard? Absolutely. Can you thrive and find ways to make it work? Absolutely. So I think it comes down to arming yourself with a set of tools to help you handle the ups and downs of military life.
All my best,
Lauren
Joan
Wow, I am going through my first deployment with my boyfriend. We are talking marriage but I’m still “just the girlfriend”. And recently during a chat I mentioned him getting out, he loves his choice of career but deployment is harder than I ever imagined. We ended the discussion with me saying “lets discuss it when you’re back” and he said, “okay baby.”
I love him more than anything, it’s been days since we’ve last connected and although it’s hard, I am stronger than I ever imagined. And I’m starting to realize, I can do this. He doesn’t need to make a choice between me and his career. I am making the choice to stand by him.
Lauren, you have no idea how many of your posts I have read, and how much you are getting me through this! Thank you!!!
Lauren Tamm
Absolutely!
Kaitlyn
I am a military brat and engaged to an amazing man that is currently in boot camp for the Navy! I saw my mom go through this but preparing myself to go through this is a whole new adventure. Thank you for this, It helps me mentally prepare myself! I am beyond nervous but also excited for this life and learning adventure. So thank you!
MyTwoCents
Every one says its hard to leave family and friends at home… what I find hardest is anti-military feelings from family and friends because you choose that over a life with them. Resentment seems to follow you from people you thought loved/liked you if you still put on the big girl panties and face the wind… It’s stormy living and they do not see you as a hero; some of them see you as an idiot of a sort for accepting and embracing the suck. They refuse to acknowledge a life in the military has positives…. which all helps you want to move in the end when true colors come out.
Kae
Perhaps the resentment comes from this perspective:
If you choose to be married to the military first, you choose to spend more of your life with the military than you do with the woman you asked to spend her life with you, then let’s be honest– you don’t love her enough. You love the job or that lifestyle or whatever it is you love about being in the military more than you love her.
Because when you ask her to go be with you in a life where you’re not actually there to be with, you’re offering s life of “getting through”, not a life of living.
What do you think?
Sara
Kae – I’ve read several of your comments here, and it seems like you had a tough time with a military man. I’m sorry to hear that — like in anything, there are good people and bad ones. The military doesn’t trump human nature.
I think overall, many spouses are proud of their partners. Their dedication to their country is part of their love for their wives and families. There are men who owe their lives to my husband – and he did this as part of creating a better world for his son to be in, years later.
I miss my husband when he’s gone. I miss my family when we move away from them. But overall, I have a life where I am loved fiercely by a strong and wonderful man. I have a life where I am financially blessed to be given the opportunity by his job to raise my little boy. We travel and have a beautiful home thanks to his job. He gave me all of these things by sacrificing other things in the Navy.
It isn’t for everyone, and I’m sorry you had a bad experience. But what I’ve found is that the military isn’t something you love more or less than a spouse: it’s just your job.
If leaving the military was right for my family, I know we’d leave in a heartbeat. But it is so worth it, and gives my family so much, that I’d never ask him to leave. I couldn’t – it’s who he is and I love him for exactly that.
I hope things get better for you!