You probably don’t know this, but when my husband and I were first dating, I actually asked him to get out of the military.
I saw a future with him.
I saw marriage with him.
And nowhere in that equation did being a military wife exist.
Because as a child of multiple divorces (Yes, both my parents divorced twice. Once from each other, and once each from a second marriage), I knew what every marriage goes up against—the tough stuff.
image by PO1 Jon Rasmussen, identified by DVIDS
I saw military life as a huge barrier to a successful marriage. From deployments to moving all the time to the consequences of war, military life takes regular everyday marriage problems and catapults them towards troubled waters.
Well, at least in my mind that’s what I was thinking.
My husband and I broke up for a period of time over the whole military thing. I wanted him to get out, and he wanted to stay. In the same breath, he wanted me to leave my life behind to follow him, and of course, I wanted to stay.
Neither one of us wanted to leave behind the life that we loved.
After being separated for a period of time, I was in a very dark place. Miserable without him, it was easy for me to see that civilian life without him was FAR WORSE than any military life with him.
That was the beginning of my journey into this military wife and mom life. That was the moment I decided to put on my big girl panties and do this military life thing. Maybe you’ve felt that moment too. The moment when you realize you’re not just gonna tough this thing out, you’re gonna rock this!
And that’s why being a military wife is so hard…
Because you have to put on your big girl panties—A LOT.
Being a Military Wife is Hard Because….
You’ve got to hold it together when your service member leaves to work in a really dangerous place for months on end or more.
You’ve got to be okay with moving half way around the world from your family.
You’ve got to be okay with your service member missing all the special stuff like birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, or gasp….the birth of your child.
You’ve got to be okay with putting your career on the back burner sometimes because moving all over the place and maintaining a career isn’t as easy as it looks.
You’ve got to be okay with letting go some of the control in your life because Lord knows the military is going to make some big life decisions for you.
You’ve got to be okay with leaving close friends and family behind while you start a new life.
You’ve got to be okay with having a courthouse wedding when you really wanted a big one because military life or a deployment prevented it from working out that way.
You’ve got to be okay with facing way more drama in the military community than you ever wished.
You’ve got to be okay with parenting alone and feeling lonely sometimes.
You’ve got to be okay with making new friends over and over and over again.
You’ve got to be okay with spending as much of your marriage apart as you do together.
You’ve got to be okay with talking about death, dying, and the traumatic effects of war.
You’ve got to be okay with finding the positive in the midst of really, really hard.
You’ve got to be okay choosing happiness in the midst of some really challenging circumstances.
And you will be okay…
Because you are strong, resilient and tougher than even YOU imagine at this very moment.
But it’s all of these things, and so much more, that make life as a military wife so hard sometimes. Because you never realize how many big girl panties you are gonna need until you are neck deep into this whole thing.
It’s a lot of big girl panties.
It’s just a lot.
Want more on military life?
- 3 Telltale Signs You’re Friends With an Awesome Military Spouse
- 18 Ways Military Life Changes You for the Better
- The One Thing You Miss Most During Deployment
- 7 Myths About Military Life Debunked
How do you work through the challenges of military life? Let’s chat in the comments!
Lisa
I agree with all of what you said but one big thing missing is the one thing so many of us truly and quietly worry about which I got to experience along with my daughter who is also now married to a military man INFIDELITY…..it takes a lot to trust and have faith in your military man/woman to be faithful and sometimes they aren’t
Lauren Tamm
Yes, that is so true. And it’s another reason that I hesitated for a while to take the military life leap. I’m so glad that I did but the circumstances, in which military marriages are face, require A LOT of trust and commitment.
Trevor
Lauren,
Thanks for your words of truth. From a military husbands perspective, sometimes we husbands forget the sacrifices our Brides make and this reminds me how wonderful my wife is and the sacrifices she makes. We do the deployments, get the warm welcomes when we return, and are the focus of the family. Yet, shes the one who supports the family. Its hard work and I appreciate what she does. Thanks for the reminder.
Lauren Tamm
Thanks for writing such a positive comment Trevor. When I wrote this post, I never in a million years thought it would strike such a chord in the military community. I’m blown away by how incredibly positive everyone has been about this. Thanks for your encouraging words.
Lauren
Amber
Fabulous post. And I so agree. It’s TOUGH. My husband has deployed again and it’s just this never ending feeling of emptiness. Also, I have a lot of stuff, so moving every few years can also be hard.
Lauren Tamm
The majority of the time, I truly enjoy our military life and we are afforded so many blessings and unique opportunities from it. But yes, some days are really tough and you have to work through that. Thanks for stopping by, Amber.
Lauren
Michele Smith
Great Post, and so true! I have been a Military spouse for 16 years now, we married when we were 18. It has been hard being a spouse of someone in the Marine Corps, but I wouldn’t change a thing about our life. We are now stationed in South Africa, which has been great, but also very hard being so far away from family and friends. I am happy to have a break from deployments. Last duty station we had 3 deployments in the 3 years that we were there, now that was tough. Looking forward to what is in store for us next. Take care! Michele
Lauren Tamm
Hey Michele,
Thanks for sharing a bit about yourself. One of the most empowering things is hearing all of the unique circumstances spouses are able to overcome and maintain a positive attitude. Now looking back I wonder why I really hesitated, I do love military life, and in many ways it’s been such a blessing for us. It is definitely hard but it also a rewarding journey.
Lauren
Ashley
I appreciate the spirit of your post, and have definitely experienced many of the challenges you highlight here. However, I have to respectfully disagree with your claim that we military spouses have to “be okay” with any of these challenges. I would argue that using such language can put even more pressure on military families to “get over” the myriad challenges that come our way. These challenges suck, and while I’m not “okay” with most of them, I do (for the most part), rise to the occasion and get through the tough times with as much patience and grace as possible. And military spouses don’t have to put their careers on hold – this is a choice for each family to make, given their goals and resources. I’m on my fourth year of a PhD, and my husband and I have lived in separate states for the duration of my studies. We miss each other terribly, but we spend as much time as we can together, with the understanding that there are sacrifices to be made in order for us both to live life to its full potential and to nurture the gifts and talents we’ve both been blessed with. I think, instead of telling others what a military spouse needs to “be okay with”, we should simply highlight the diversity of military families and the amazing adaptations that we may go through. Certainly not all families will face the same challenges, and individual differences will likely dictate how the challenges are perceived and experienced. Cheers to you and your family, and to all military spouses who are as happy with this chaotic life as I am! <3
Lauren Tamm
Hey Ashley,
I actually really agree with what you are saying here, and you are not the first military spouse to share a comment similar to this. I agree that focusing on our diversity and adaptations as a community is so important. That is my blog’s writing focus the majority of the time. 90 percent of the time, I love military life. I wouldn’t trade it for the world despite the challenges. When I wrote this back in November, I never really thought about publishing it. It was just kind of how I was feeling on a whim. After 2 months, I published it and was really surprised by how popular this article became. In the midst of their ability to adapt and stay positive, maybe military spouses are looking for validation that they are struggling right now…I can’t say for sure. Thank you for leaving such a thoughtful and respectful comment despite the fact that you disagreed with the article. Cheers to you and your family and to all military spouses as well!
Lauren
Suzanne West
It’s a very different world today than when I was the active duty military wife of the Vietnam era. Yes we had the same things as mentioned in the original post. We didn’t have all of the electronic connections of today that make life easier it was just snail mail and an occasional MARS phone call that you could hear your husband’s voice. Otherwise it was the collect phone call at 3am from a distant country that got disconnected several times.
Being a military wife was a woman who was an independent person who could cope on her own and not be a clinging vine. You were able to make snap judgment calls when things broke or the kids or dog were sick. You grew your own network of women to help you get through the deployments and many of them are still in my life to this day.
I put down roots at my first duty station and they were so hard to pull up that I don’t have any down where I live now and that is 40 some years later. It kind of feels like home but it is not and I can’t tell you where home would be since I have lived half way around the world and back.
Your family of origin does not understand you as a wife because of all of the changes and experiences you have had in your life. Many times it feels like they are in a time warp where time stood still. This also applies to hometown friends. You have had your outlook on life expanded many times over and see things from a different perspective. If you have been stationed overseas you really have a different view of how we are perceived and what the rest of the world thinks of us Americans. You then try to incorporate all of these things and be a new you.
As I look back on the 20 some years of the military wife, I would not change it for the world. When I realized that the moving van was not going to come to my house any more, I cried — go figure that one out. Here a toast to the military wife.
Lauren Tamm
Suzanne,
I really appreciate you leaving such a thoughtful comment and sharing your insight. There are so many more luxuries for military spouses in the present day thanks to technology. I think if we all took a moment to realize what military spouses went through before technology and modern war, it would put many of our current woes in perspective. There are hard days in military life, but there are a lot of really, really great days. For those, this life is so worth it. Thanks again for sharing.
Lauren
louvic
Really liked this post Lauren and can relate to so much of it:
My husband left the RAF (about a month ago) after 15/16 years and we are now going through the transitioning- into-normal-life phase, which is a little challenging too!
As you have experienced, we have:
Lived overseas, thousands of miles away from our families- but loved all three years on the sunny Island of Cyprus!
He has missed lots of birthdays; sadly for the children on consecutive years…
We planned our wedding in five weeks, as when we found out he was posted to the Falklands for four months, I didn’t fancy planning a wedding by myself 😉
And so much more!!
And now we are on the other side; I am sure we will miss many of the fabulous experiences, things that money can’t buy, and the lifestyle. But we are also looking forward to the changes too.
Keep enjoying it! Louise
Lauren Tamm
There are some great benefits to living overseas. Missing family is hard, but so far it is a lot of fun too. Military life is hard sometimes, but it is also a really fun and happy experience most of the time. Thanks for sharing.
Lauren
Kae
Lauren, I’m reading through your comments and you keep repeating how military life is great “most of the time.” I keep wondering if you say that now to manage perceptions since this blog is online for all to see. I have to ask: how could it be great most of the time if your “partner” isn’t even around 75% of the time to actually be a partner?? I need to know. 75% gone is the case for the SEALS, but I don’t know about your situation. But even when it gets to 50% gone, I don’t see how that’s great “most of the time,” I just don’t and wish I could. Any insight would be appreciated.
Lauren Tamm
Thank you for sharing so many thought provoking comments and questions here in this thread. I can tell you are weighing all this heavily and that’s a good thing! I still say that it’s great “most of the time.” We are currently in the process of moving from Okinawa back to the US. There’s a lot of stress involved, but also a lot of rich experiences. For the past decade my service member has been gone about 50%. 75% is A LOT. A crazy LOT! For me it ultimately came down to feeling and knowing my husband is unequivocally, hands-down my life partner (the one for me). Because of this unique and challenging lifestyle, I’ve gained incredible friendships, ultimate travel, the ability to appreciate and savor, the ability to create a brand new career for myself, and so much more. It’s hard to explain how I fell in love with military life, especially because I resisted it so much. I don’t know. If you were to ask…”Is it worth it?” I would respond with one word: yes.
PS – But to play devil’s advocate, not everyone responds to that question with a yes. It’s based on personal circumstances. I wish there was a magic formula to tell you that would make it “great” or “worth it.” Unfortunately, it depends on so many factors.
Rose Cragin
Military wife too! Great article thank you
Lauren Tamm
Thanks for reading 🙂
T.F.
My wife and I were high school sweethearts and married not long after I joined the Army. Due to my ability to get bored so easily, my wife had some worries about my joining up, but she was supportive. This was the first “job”, besides being her man, I had ever taken seriously and enjoyed. As time went by, I found myself taking on the “job” of husband and father while we served. I say “job” because like any work one does, it requires going through some tough times. Difficult and frustrating times, but you stick with it because overall, the “pay” is outstanding.
Of course, the military job wasn’t monetarily outstanding. Not by a long shot. However, the “pay” one receives in each of these “jobs” is about so much more than just money. As a husband, the pay was love, trust, support, intense friendship and so many other awesome things. As a father, it was, well, the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done and like my job as husband, continue to do and will always do.
My wife saw me spend two tours in Korea, multiple combat tours from Panama to Iraq and many other locations. A decade of that time was spent in the SOCOM community, which made life even more hectic for her and the kids. One call and I could be gone for weeks or months and due to the nature of that job, there wouldn’t be any communications. Not even snail mail on many of them. My job in aviation meant that even when not at war, the cost in lives and injuries was still a constant in our marriage. She and I went through the process of losing fellow Soldiers, their wives and kids losing their father and in one instance, a husband and kids losing their mother.
When my wife asked me to go back to the regular Army, there was no long, drawn out conversation about it. I knew why because I had seen her stress and heartbreak over the years. It was an easy decision for me because even though I loved what I was doing at that point, I loved my family more. My wife would never of asked me to get out of the Army altogether, she knew I would be miserable and bored if I did. However, she did ask that reduce my level of danger and after having spent so much time doing that job, I wasn’t going to push my luck any longer.
Then Iraq happened. And everything changed. We lost eight people in one year. Many more wounded to include myself. After an explosion, I was injured. TBI, brain surgery, and a few more years of mostly admin jobs later, I was medically retired at 21 years of service. Throughout all of this, there was ONE constant. My wife and kids. After going through another 20 months of highly stressful times waiting for the VA to come back with a decision after I was retired, my family was still there.
Hell yes we had our tough times over the years. At some points, we both wondered if our marriage was meant to last. But you push through those tough times, learn from your mistakes and continue your walk together. That walk, in the military, sees you both barefoot on a rocky mountain road. Sometimes it’s all uphill, but most of the time, it wasn’t so difficult as to stop our forward momentum. We may of stumbled off the path, but each of us were both there to help the other back onto it. And at some points, give the other a piggyback ride. 🙂
With all of this said, my point is this. My wife is just as much a Veteran as I am in my opinion. The roles she has taken on over the years while I was off in one place or another span the gamut of family, career and social responsibilities. She also earned a degree in business during that time.
Good Lord, I would HATE to go up against a bunch of military wives in combat. Their strength and dedication is something any sane man would be intimidated by. However, with her by my side, there is nothing I cannot do. No fight she and I cannot win. No battle we cannot survive together.
I apologize for this small novel. But I wanted to set the tone for the last thing I want to say.
Military wives, like steel, are made stronger from intense heat. Not all swords are going to survive the heat. But mine, she has thrived in it and maintains an edge and strength I love and respect with all of my heart. Military life is such a tremendously rewarding experience and I thank God my wife and I made the journey together.
Lauren Tamm
Thanks for leaving such a thoughtful comment and sharing your story. Military life is challenging, but it’s also been an amazing blessing to our family and we look forward to the journey in the years to come.
Lauren
Kae
Hi TF, thanks for sharing your story. I have to ask– what is so rewarding about a military life for a woman who is in it solely by association to her husband? Unless she has a strong belief about patriotism and “living to serve,”so then she’d enjoy the perceived glory of the association, what’s so rewarding for her to think she found her life partner but still be alone and lonely and not have any help in all those moments that you’re supposed to be the exact opposite of all that once you find your partner? What is so rewarding for her?
And especially if she is impregnated and then abandoned because the man thinks that for some reason he can dodge the consequences of his actions (making a baby) and his “duty” to his country trumps his duty to his own child? A child who never had a chance to be born into a place where the father isn’t even around, never mind the suffering of the woman to be abandoned through that. How is that then rewarding for the wife or the child?
If you ask someone to be your partner, shouldn’t you then do everything you can to protect them from suffering? Shouldn’t you do all you can to choose a life that will also be really good for them rather than something they have to get through?
I need to understand this manner of thinking, if you don’t mind responding.
Gina
Hi Kae,
Having been raised as a military brat and being former service member myself, your post really resonates with me. I have seen so many military guys treat their wives as second to their jobs. They think the wife is only there to support them. And for their troubles, I have seen some of these wives publicly humiliated to keep them in their place. For many, I think the toughest part about being a milwife is not the difficult lifestyle, it is that they are being taken advantage of by men who don’t really care about, respect or cherish them. Now, having said that, there are some service members who do honor their wife’s sacrifices. If you have a good man, it might very well be worth it, but I do not think these are the majority.
A long time ago, an officer friend warned me not to get involved with a military man, this was good advice. A lot of military guys have really bad attitudes about women and love, so you have to be very careful about getting involved with them.