MilSpouse LifeYou probably don’t know this, but when my husband and I were first dating, I actually asked him to get out of the military.
I saw a future with him.
I saw marriage with him.
And nowhere in that equation did being a military wife exist.
Because as a child of multiple divorces (Yes, both my parents divorced twice. Once from each other, and once each from a second marriage), I knew what every marriage goes up against—the tough stuff.
image by PO1 Jon Rasmussen, identified by DVIDS
I saw military life as a huge barrier to a successful marriage. From deployments to moving all the time to the consequences of war, military life takes regular everyday marriage problems and catapults them towards troubled waters.
Well, at least in my mind that’s what I was thinking.
My husband and I broke up for a period of time over the whole military thing. I wanted him to get out, and he wanted to stay. In the same breath, he wanted me to leave my life behind to follow him, and of course, I wanted to stay.
Neither one of us wanted to leave behind the life that we loved.
After being separated for a period of time, I was in a very dark place. Miserable without him, it was easy for me to see that civilian life without him was FAR WORSE than any military life with him.
That was the beginning of my journey into this military wife and mom life. That was the moment I decided to put on my big girl panties and do this military life thing. Maybe you’ve felt that moment too. The moment when you realize you’re not just gonna tough this thing out, you’re gonna rock this!
And that’s why being a military wife is so hard…
Because you have to put on your big girl panties—A LOT.
Being a Military Wife is Hard Because….
You’ve got to hold it together when your service member leaves to work in a really dangerous place for months on end or more.
You’ve got to be okay with moving half way around the world from your family.
You’ve got to be okay with your service member missing all the special stuff like birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, or gasp….the birth of your child.
You’ve got to be okay with putting your career on the back burner sometimes because moving all over the place and maintaining a career isn’t as easy as it looks.
You’ve got to be okay with letting go some of the control in your life because Lord knows the military is going to make some big life decisions for you.
You’ve got to be okay with leaving close friends and family behind while you start a new life.
You’ve got to be okay with having a courthouse wedding when you really wanted a big one because military life or a deployment prevented it from working out that way.
You’ve got to be okay with facing way more drama in the military community than you ever wished.
You’ve got to be okay with parenting alone and feeling lonely sometimes.
You’ve got to be okay with making new friends over and over and over again.
You’ve got to be okay with spending as much of your marriage apart as you do together.
You’ve got to be okay with talking about death, dying, and the traumatic effects of war.
You’ve got to be okay with finding the positive in the midst of really, really hard.
You’ve got to be okay choosing happiness in the midst of some really challenging circumstances.
And you will be okay…
Because you are strong, resilient and tougher than even YOU imagine at this very moment.
But it’s all of these things, and so much more, that make life as a military wife so hard sometimes. Because you never realize how many big girl panties you are gonna need until you are neck deep into this whole thing.
It’s a lot of big girl panties.
It’s just a lot.
Oh man, Lauren, I never thought of it this way. I mean, I always knew you were awesome and a champion but now I feel like I really get it.
You and your peers are soldiers yourselves, and you are heroes! You’re my hero! Woohoo, go you!
Brittany
Yeah, I was in a MilSpouse funk when I wrote this, ha! Thanks for your encouragement.
Lauren
You are soooo spot on. Not only did I hit a lot of these things already, but to add to the mix, we’ve only been married 1 month, both of our second marriages, but all I have had since that date is trouble and getting the run-a-round from the unit to medical situations, etc. To add to that, I am a veteran, so I should know all this, right? Wrong! I got out 15 years ago, next spring. Never, as an active duty soldier did I have to go through remotely anything close to dealing with id cards, medical coverage, transportation. To add to all of that. My husband came down on orders before we got married, to Japan. AND so we had to hurry and do a courthouse wedding, he went to Japan and is now seeking command sponsorship for us, coming back to the states to have a ceremony, AND THEN we are moving to Japan. I am 41, my daughter is mid high school, and my parents are older, in their mid 70’s. Moving to Japan is not an easy thing for any of us. So, Im dealing with soooooo many moving parts and attitudes from those who think, “you should already know all of this”. Please give me some words of wisdom. And I am definitely blogging this because no one should every have to navigate this land mine without help.
oh yeah, and did I mention I work 10 hour days in a call center during the week and run my own business on the weekends? while taking care of a teenager neck deep in after school clubs! ugh!
So I just got engaged and my fiancee (I believe I spelled that correctly lol ) and he’s in Fort Leonardwood. We’re supposed to get married when he comes home for the holidays. He leaves January 3rd. How does the whole living on base thing work? I’m so new to all this I have no idea what to expect? Can anyone help? Thank you. ?
I am so sorry I wish I could help you but I’m also new to this, I’m engaged also and my fiance, is station in Syria he be home before Christmas, so all I can say to you is good luck and I hope everything turn out good for the both of us…
Hi Rose my name is Lisa I am also a feiance to he has been gone seen May 1sy of 2017 and I have been up and down with mixed emotios and don’t have any support from my family so if u would like to talk that would help
I am dealing with this struggle right now; and he doesn’t seem to realize how much of ‘me’ is put on hold or changed because of his aspirations. I am about to pull the plug because I can’t stand waiting around all of the time, unable to pursue careers or education due to constantly moving, not able to build and maintain strong friendships, and being so far from my family who I have always been close to. He just doesn’t and will never see what this life is like form the other side.
You’ve definitely helped me validate the way I feel tonight. Thank you
My boyfriend of 2 years and i are getting married in the next year or so.. But he wants to joun the Navy… How do i cope with this when i want him happy. But i also cant see a life without him.. I want to support him and be there but how do i go about it if hes just in for 2-3 years??
Hi there my name is Ashley and I am a military girlfriend and my marine boyfriend been texting and he told to stop texting him. Is that a broke up or i don’t know what is can you help me ?
I’ve been doing research on military wife. My husband is really thinking about joining. We have 2 kids. He’s 25 and ready to have a career. Would you recommend us going in? I don’t even know if you will get this since this post was years ago
YES YES YES. I love the way you wrote this; It TRULY sums up in one sentence why being a military spouse can be so incredibly challenging. I agree with every word. Thanks for this! It totally validates the struggles I’ve been feeling lately.
Thanks so much for your encouraging words! This post has resonated with a lot of military spouses and I’ve been so surprised to get all this positive feedback. I think as a military spouse community, one thing that really unites us is our ability to overcome a lot of challenging circumstances. Thank so much for leaving such an awesome comment, Erica!
Lauren
Lauren,
Your blogs have been so incredibly helpful to me! I am a new military girlfriend and I am still trying to understand how this life works. My boyfriend has just been deployed to Iraq and it has been hard knowing that he is mentally checked out. Any advice for a new military girlfriend? I’m not sure how to best support him. He definitely feels guilty for asking me to wait for him but I am willing to do whatever it takes. Any advice would be much appreciated! 🙂
-Emylee
Fantastic post. My husband and I broke up while we were dating for the same reasons too. And we got back together for the same reasons as you. Even though this life can be really difficult, getting to be married to my man is worth it. I’ve been really stressed and freaked and sad lately because he’s PCSing to Korea soon, without me. And this post reminded me that it’s worth it. Thanks!
Tiffany, that’s so encouraging to hear you say that you broke up and got back together for the same reasons. We live in Okinawa! So I completely relate…it IS super stressful. But now that we are here, we truly love it. It really is just getting over here that is a royal PIA. Thanks for leaving such an encouraging comment!
Lauren
I am newer to this lifestyle and I must say it truly is a world of it’s own! I am having a hard time coming to terms with putting my career and personal growth on the back burner.. I feel like I am giving up on myself and the aspirations I had set forth myself, personal growth and success.
Everyday feels like an internal fight, my heart fights itself. Him on one half and my career/family the other half…
Help and encouraging words would be great. I pray daily God helps lead me to where I will live my best life..
Thank you, Lauren, for sharing a piece of your heart! I think these are things we all should be aware of and think about as we interact with military families. Love this piece. Shared!!
Thanks for sharing. It seems to really resonate with a lot of people in the military community. It’s awesome to know that so many people are enjoying this post.
Lauren
Definitely so true! I’m an Army wife. Met my husband freshmen year of collage and knew he was going to be in the Army. I knew I could handle it but didn’t truly know what I was going to face. We graduated college, got married 2 weeks later, he left for training 2 weeks after we got back from our honeymoon, and then deployed 2 mths after we were finally together again for a 15 mth deployment. We have been apart for more or equal amount of a time as we have been together in our 8 yrs of marriage and his career. 3 deployments, training, trips when he was an aid to a General… it’s been fun. Missed the birth of our 1st child when he left for his 3rd deployment when I was 30 weeks pregnant. Talk about a hormonal roller coaster. It can be a rough, lonely life but like you said, you got to put those big girl panties on and push through. It takes a strong person to be a military wife. Everyone definitely isn’t cut our for it!
OH… and while we were dating, he didn’t think I could handle this life and tried to break up with me. I told him let me the one to decide that and refused. LOL He always says he is thrilled I refused way back when.
Ha. Love that!
Thanks for sharing your story Allison. Dang, I can’t tell you how awesome it is to receive such encouraging comments on this post. I honestly wasn’t going to even hit the publish button because I thought I was being depressing and stupid, lol. So really, you just made my whole week by sharing. It is tough, but I do think it is totally worth it. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. We are stationed in Japan now and having the time of our lives.
Lauren
Awesome post, Lauren. You are a mommy warrior!
I’ll be honest and say that sometimes I do feel that way! Other times, I’m a hobbling mess! So there ya go! Thanks for the encouragement 🙂
Thank you for this post Lauren!
I believe the military lifestyle is one of the most challenging and rewarding lifestyles. You have so beautifully written about the challenges and how it is so worth it! My husband and all of our opportunities brought on by the military have been worth all the tears through the worrying, feeling lonely, giving up my career, and moving thousands of miles away from our loved ones. It has all been worth it. Who would have ever thought we would live in England and have the opportunity to travel Europe? Not me! Although, I still count down to retirement day. 😉 LOL.
Yes, yes, yes. Completely agree with everything you are saying here. We are really enjoying our time in Japan, but when our MilLife is over I think I will be ready for sure. It is definitely worth it despite all of the challenges. I can see doing a count down…we have a lot of years ahead. At least a decade. But I know when it happens, I will look back and think about how fast it went.
Lauren
Yes x a million. Anyone who says that military life isn’t hard is either lying, crazy, or is a superhero. It doesn’t mean that it’s harder than what other people go through or that we’re martyrs, just that it’s hard. And if you fool yourself at the beginning and think it’ll be a walk in the park, you’re not being honest with yourself or the life you’re about to lead.
Yes, I so appreciate what you are saying here. And that’s part of the reason that I initially (and selfishly) ask my husband to get out of the military. I didn’t think I was strong enough to handle it and I was trying to be honest with myself. But I think when you really love someone, you can handle a lot more than you can think, which is of course why I changed my mind. A growing experience for a young woman for sure.
Lauren
I so understand this as my whole relationship has been with him away except the first 2 months. Now the Army won”t let him retire as he is too important for them.( what about me and his sons)
Regenia,
Yes, isn’t that one of the hardest parts of military life? Sometimes we are made to feel less important than a job. I often ask myself the same question. I think a lot of military spouses do the same. We are a really strong and patient group of people…that is one thing I know for sure.
Lauren
Military spouses are heroes,too! THANK YOU for your service as well!
Thanks for the encouragement TJ. You are awesome!
Lauren