The 7 Stages of Deployment Anger (and How to Manage Them)

I’ve never considered myself an angry person. In fact, when I look back into my past there are few moments when I remember feeling angry about something. I never expected deployment anger to take center stage of my emotions.

Then again, I never considered myself a “military wife” type of person. And here I am years into life as a military wife.

post contains affiliate links

So…there you go. Just because you don’t foresee yourself as a certain way doesn’t mean you’ll never become it.

Military life (and deployment especially) has a way of fueling emotions you don’t expect to feel. From pre-deployment to deployment to reintegration, complicated feelings snowball. Many times, you may feel surprised by these emotions, leaving you to wonder where this anger came from and how to work through it.

7 Stages of Deployment Anger

Did you know that simply knowing the 7 stages of deployment anger can help you thrive during each stage? If you anticipate the emotions you may feel and know that they are normal, you can take action rather than encounter trial-by-fire, which is what I typically did in the past.

Note: These stages of anger are based on The Emotional Cycle of Deployment written by Kathleen Logan

Stage 1: Anticipation of Loss

• When: 6-8 weeks before separation
• Feelings: Denial, fear, anger, resentment, unexpected tears of things that wouldn’t normally bother you, tension and bickering with your service member over things that normally wouldn’t cause a fight.
• Action steps:
  • Grab a pre-deployment checklist and prepare legal documents, accounts, vehicles and beyond several weeks in advance to avoid the stress of waiting until the last week or two before departure.
  • Plan at least one fun thing per week for you and your spouse (kids, if you have them), where you completely unplug from military life and the upcoming deployment.
  • Discuss communication expectations for upcoming deployment
  • Share what you need from each other to keep a strong relationship during separation. Reading The 5 Love Languages Military Edition by Gary Chapman is a great resource (affiliate).

Stage 2: Emotional withdrawal

• When: 1 week before departure.
• Feelings: Confusion, ambivalence, anger, pulling away, despair, hopelessness, lack of intimacy.
• Action steps:
  • Communicate the emotions you are feeling to your spouse, remember your spouse’s love language to help.
  • Set up a time where you will have a few hours alone with your spouse before he leaves. Arrange for a babysitter in advance if needed.
  • Recognize when and how you are pulling away.
  • Know that lack of intimacy and feeling distant is normal during this time.

Stage 3: Emotional confusion / disorganization

• When: 1 – 6 weeks after departure
• Feelings: abandonment, need, loss, emptiness, pain, disorganization, anxiety, anger, withdrawal from friends and family.
• Action steps:
  • Keep at daily gratitude journal (affiliate) to help yourself shift to a more positive mindset and transition to your new normal quicker and easier.
  • Plan several days on your calendar to do something fun just for yourself.
  • Write emails and letters to your service member to help you feel connected to him or her, even if he won’t be able to read them. Getting your thoughts and ideas written down can help you process and move forward.
  • Ask for a friend or family member to visit you during this time to help keep your mind off the transition of pre-deployment to deployment.

Stage 4: Adjustment / recovery / stabilization

• When: Majority of deployment
• Feelings: Hope, confidence, calm, less anger, less anxiety, pride in ability to cope alone, freedom, independence.
• Action steps:
  • Share something you love about your service member with him (or her) at least once per week to help you stay connected.
  • Send care packages overseas to your deployed spouse.
  • Look at family photo albums to remember life together as a family.

Stage 5: Expectation of service member’s return home

• When: 6-8 weeks prior to homecoming
• Feelings: Apprehension, excitement, high expectations, worry, fear
• Action steps:
  • Prepare for homecoming, but avoid extremes such remodeling, cleaning, dieting, etc., that will run your tank empty. This is not the time to be knocking down walls, trying to lose 25 pounds in two weeks or cleaning out seven years’ worth of boxes in the attic.
  • Prioritize sleep. Many spouses experience lack of sleep during this time frame, leaving little energy and emotional wellness upon the service member’s return home. Create a bedtime routine for yourself and stick to a regular sleep schedule.
  • Keep expectations reasonable for homecoming. Know that dates will change and reintegration will involve an adjustment period.

Stage 6: Homecoming honeymoon

• When: Day 1 until your first argument (according to Logan). May be as short as 24 hours.
• Feelings: Euphoria, blur of excitement.
• Action steps:
  • Prepare a communication strategy for how to talk to your service member post-deployment.
  • Re-establish intimacy on your own terms. Each couple is different. Normal is relative to your own experience.
  • Plan only 1 or 2 things during the first week of homecoming. It’s fun to get out and do things, but feelings during homecoming are unpredictable. Allow yourself to enjoy not having commitments during this time.
  • Share your family routines and changes that happened during deployment with your service member. If you can share them with your service member before homecoming that sometimes works very nicely. It prepares them ahead of time.

Stage 7: Re-adjustment / reintegration / stabilization

• When: 6-8 weeks following return of service member
• Feelings: uncomfortable, role confusion, satisfaction, happiness, anger, resentment
• Action steps:
  • Feelings experienced during this time are very mixed.
  • Work on what YOU can do during this time to make your relationship stronger. The one person you can always control in your marriage to make it work is you.
  • Make adjustments to routines and family activities if they are not working well for you. Stay flexible. Discovering a new normal is a positive thing.

Read more on deployment…

• Explaining Deployment to My Kid Was Nothing Like I Thought It Would Be
• How to Write a Deployment Bucket List that Doesn’t Suck

Want more on military life?

• I’m Terrible at Being a Military Spouse
• How Strong Military Spouses Rock Deployment
• 3 Signs You’re Friends With an Awesome Military Spouse
• What Military Marriage Really Looks Like