I’ve never considered myself an angry person. In fact, when I look back into my past there are few moments when I remember feeling angry about something. I never expected deployment anger to take center stage of my emotions.
Then again, I never considered myself a “military wife” type of person. And here I am years into life as a military wife.
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So…there you go. Just because you don’t foresee yourself as a certain way doesn’t mean you’ll never become it.
Military life (and deployment especially) has a way of fueling emotions you don’t expect to feel. From pre-deployment to deployment to reintegration, complicated feelings snowball. Many times, you may feel surprised by these emotions, leaving you to wonder where this anger came from and how to work through it.
7 Stages of Deployment Anger
Did you know that simply knowing the 7 stages of deployment anger can help you thrive during each stage? If you anticipate the emotions you may feel and know that they are normal, you can take action rather than encounter trial-by-fire, which is what I typically did in the past.
Note: These stages of anger are based on The Emotional Cycle of Deployment written by Kathleen Logan
Stage 1: Anticipation of Loss
- When: 6-8 weeks before separation
- Feelings: Denial, fear, anger, resentment, unexpected tears of things that wouldn’t normally bother you, tension and bickering with your service member over things that normally wouldn’t cause a fight.
- Action steps:
- Grab a pre-deployment checklist and prepare legal documents, accounts, vehicles and beyond several weeks in advance to avoid the stress of waiting until the last week or two before departure.
- Plan at least one fun thing per week for you and your spouse (kids, if you have them), where you completely unplug from military life and the upcoming deployment.
- Discuss communication expectations for upcoming deployment
- Share what you need from each other to keep a strong relationship during separation. Reading The 5 Love Languages Military Edition by Gary Chapman is a great resource (affiliate).
Stage 2: Emotional withdrawal
- When: 1 week before departure.
- Feelings: Confusion, ambivalence, anger, pulling away, despair, hopelessness, lack of intimacy.
- Action steps:
- Communicate the emotions you are feeling to your spouse, remember your spouse’s love language to help.
- Set up a time where you will have a few hours alone with your spouse before he leaves. Arrange for a babysitter in advance if needed.
- Recognize when and how you are pulling away.
- Know that lack of intimacy and feeling distant is normal during this time.
Stage 3: Emotional confusion / disorganization
- When: 1 – 6 weeks after departure
- Feelings: abandonment, need, loss, emptiness, pain, disorganization, anxiety, anger, withdrawal from friends and family.
- Action steps:
- Keep at daily gratitude journal (affiliate) to help yourself shift to a more positive mindset and transition to your new normal quicker and easier.
- Plan several days on your calendar to do something fun just for yourself.
- Write emails and letters to your service member to help you feel connected to him or her, even if he won’t be able to read them. Getting your thoughts and ideas written down can help you process and move forward.
- Ask for a friend or family member to visit you during this time to help keep your mind off the transition of pre-deployment to deployment.
Stage 4: Adjustment / recovery / stabilization
- When: Majority of deployment
- Feelings: Hope, confidence, calm, less anger, less anxiety, pride in ability to cope alone, freedom, independence.
- Action steps:
- Share something you love about your service member with him (or her) at least once per week to help you stay connected.
- Send care packages overseas to your deployed spouse.
- Look at family photo albums to remember life together as a family.
Stage 5: Expectation of service member’s return home
- When: 6-8 weeks prior to homecoming
- Feelings: Apprehension, excitement, high expectations, worry, fear
- Action steps:
- Prepare for homecoming, but avoid extremes such remodeling, cleaning, dieting, etc., that will run your tank empty. This is not the time to be knocking down walls, trying to lose 25 pounds in two weeks or cleaning out seven years’ worth of boxes in the attic.
- Prioritize sleep. Many spouses experience lack of sleep during this time frame, leaving little energy and emotional wellness upon the service member’s return home. Create a bedtime routine for yourself and stick to a regular sleep schedule.
- Keep expectations reasonable for homecoming. Know that dates will change and reintegration will involve an adjustment period.
Stage 6: Homecoming honeymoon
- When: Day 1 until your first argument (according to Logan). May be as short as 24 hours.
- Feelings: Euphoria, blur of excitement.
- Action steps:
- Prepare a communication strategy for how to talk to your service member post-deployment.
- Re-establish intimacy on your own terms. Each couple is different. Normal is relative to your own experience.
- Plan only 1 or 2 things during the first week of homecoming. It’s fun to get out and do things, but feelings during homecoming are unpredictable. Allow yourself to enjoy not having commitments during this time.
- Share your family routines and changes that happened during deployment with your service member. If you can share them with your service member before homecoming that sometimes works very nicely. It prepares them ahead of time.
Stage 7: Re-adjustment / reintegration / stabilization
- When: 6-8 weeks following return of service member
- Feelings: uncomfortable, role confusion, satisfaction, happiness, anger, resentment
- Action steps:
- Feelings experienced during this time are very mixed.
- Work on what YOU can do during this time to make your relationship stronger. The one person you can always control in your marriage to make it work is you.
- Make adjustments to routines and family activities if they are not working well for you. Stay flexible. Discovering a new normal is a positive thing.
Read more on deployment…
- Explaining Deployment to My Kid Was Nothing Like I Thought It Would Be
- How to Write a Deployment Bucket List that Doesn’t Suck
Carmen Smith
Thank you Lauren! I just referenced you in my husband’s cancer blog. https://rdocksmith.blogspot.com/2017/11/so-how-was-my-day-you-ask.html
Lenora Wisdom
Took a year after each deployment for my husband and I to get back to normal. It’s been 2 years since his 3rd deployment and we are still not back to normal. I don’t think he has PTSD but he has a very short fuse and can’t handle family arguments very well. He blows up instead of addressing the issue. He’s very sensitive too.
ChristinaM
Deployment can be very overwhelming!
Brooke
I’m a military girlfriend, not quite a wife, so I get these feelings along with the ones of “I’m worried that this will not be worth it in the end”. I get these ones after each separation and it makes me angry and frustrated. We’ve been together for about a year and a half. Any advice for one crazy and sad USMC girlfriend?
Marie
Girl, I feel you. I think all you can do is assess within yourself if this is the person you want to be with now and if he supports you as much as you do him. It’s really tough. I’m new to this, my boyfriend is in bootcamp for USMC. Has he shown you that he thinks it’s worth it for him? Has he shown you that it’s worth it for you? Or are you just staying with him because there’s already been a commitment? Best of luck, you got this.
Larissa
During the deployment I have felt like he doesn’t care about our child as much. He keeps asking about me and what I am doing yet he never asks about our son. That is where a lot of anger and fustration comes for me. I asked him about it and he says it’s to hard that he missee our son too much. I dout it alot, I findyself douting him. This is our first deployment. What do I do?
Mary
Thanks for this post! I’ve been struggling lately because I feel a major issue of resentment towards my husband. I’m here working full-time, working on my masters degree full-time and taking care of the three kids. While he stayed up last night playing volleyball and he is sleeping in today. It’s frustrating to have these feelings, but when I get overwhelmed I lash out.
JC
I can get angry during this deployment and it doesnt mean I’m a horrible partner? Thank you <3
Melissa
I am the wife of a Retired 20 year Marine. The first 12 years we were married we lived together only 6. My advise to all you young wives is to make sure you develop hobbies, learn to do for yourself (I became a self taught wood worker using the tools he left behind and new ones I bought along with several ‘How To’ books), get involved in the local community or a church community so you can meet more people, participate in wives clubs if you are in the military town, share babysitting duties, loose weight if you need to and surprise him when he gets home, get a job and if you can, do some traveling…. DO NOT DWELL on the negative …be POSITIVE. We are in our 35th year of marriage now and he is retired, not only from the military, but from several jobs after his time in service. It may seem like a long time to be apart but it is only ‘a drop in the bucket’ of the the rest of your married life. We have so many great friends from our time in the military and still 20 years later visit them and stay in touch. Cherish this time it is unique and rewarding for your both. Hope your husband can manage a stronger life partner when he gets home….That is another challenge !!! Be Happy !