Military Resources
I’ve seen some really classy military spouses in my time as a military wife and military girlfriend. And I do mean classy in a literal, non-sarcastic way. They seem to have it together (mostly). They know the rules of military life like the back of their hand.
Meanwhile I’m over hear in the corner secretly wishing there was a handbook for all this stuff. I just want to keep it all straight, and I definitely don’t want to piss anyone off or get my husband in trouble.
Over the past few years, I’ve humbly learned a little bit about what it means to be a military spouse with manners—classy. And I hate to admit that I’ve learned a few of these things by messing up the rules (regularly). Good thing people seem to have a bit of grace if you don’t always know what you’re doing.
This list doesn’t contain every single best etiquette practice, but it’s the basics. Here are a few things classy military spouses know well and stick to in military life:
They don’t wear gym clothes on base unless they are actually going to the gym.
Yeah, you can’t go to Dunkin Donuts on base to grab a coffee in your gym clothes. Not that I ever got yelled at for doing that. Unfortunately, you can’t go to the commissary either or anywhere else on base for that matter in your gym clothes. Rule of thumb: save your gym clothes for the gym and your jammie pants for your home.
- Understanding the Military Commissary Dress Code
- 7 Dress Code Violations That Can Get You Thrown Out of Buildings On Base
They dress classy, not trashy.
Excuse the blunt language here, but it is important to keep your butt cheeks tucked away and your cleavage within reason. Save it for a nice night with your husband at home, not for the whole military community to see. Don’t stress, pearls and fancy wear is not required. Jeans and a t-shirt works just fine.
They show respect while the National Anthem is playing.
An important way to show honor and respect. Gum chewing, talking, or smoking during the National Anthem is best avoided.
When their service members are in uniform, they save the kissy-kissy for later.
Unfortunately, as attractive as your service member looks in his uniform, PDA is prohibited. There are definitely situations when it is overlooked and very conservative hand-holding or a kiss is okay. But for the most part, it’s best to refrain in public. In private is a whole different story.
They don’t try on a service member’s uniform, take a picture just for funsies and post in on Facebook.
This sounds like a fun idea. Well, at least it does to me. But this is considered highly disrespectful to do this. Truth: No one should wear the service member’s uniform except for the man or woman who earned it.
They save the service member’s PT gear for the service member only.
Yes, you have to wear your own clothes to the gym.
They know to walk on the left side while he’s in uniform.
This leaves the right side available for him to salute if needed, and just good practice overall.
They stop for colors and the raising / retiring of the flag.
So, so important. If you hear colors or see the raising or retiring of the flag, politely stop and face the flag with your hand over your heart. This also includes if you are driving in your vehicle.
They avoid conversing about politics, sex and religion at special events.
Well, this is just a good rule in military life and everywhere else.
They know the “No walk and talk rule” for service members in uniform.
Service members are not supposed to walk and talk on a cell phone or walk and eat or drink while in uniform. This is good to know if you are ever wondering why your spouse won’t answer his phone. Personally, this hasn’t come up too much. Usually when a service member is in uniform, they are sitting down to eat and drink anyway. Car eating is considered okay at some installations.
They learn to recognize ranks and the proper way to address them.
This is on an as needed basis. There are a lot of variations between the different branches, so my best advice is simply to ask your service member about this one.
They RSVP to formal invites and write thank you notes.
This is just common sense. Hopefully.
Want more on military life?
- How to Talk to Your Service Member Post Deployment
- The Real Reason Being a Military Wife is So Hard
- 31 Best Military Wife Quotes for Encouragement
- 43 Awesome Tips Every New Military Wife Needs to Know
What’s your best etiquette rule for milspouses? Let’s chat in the comments!
I always enjoy etiquette articles. Even if you’re just an occasional guest in an unfamiliar setting, it’s nice to know what’s expected and what to do. Then you can relax and focus on why you’re there and the people you’re with.
Yes, exactly. I also love to know ahead of time.
Ms. Tamm,
I am a former Army Officer who’s just now aware of your blog. I would like say the the good sense and relaxed method of disbursing it you show are a genuine gift. Unfortunately, when I was on active duty, the internet didn’t exist; I say unfortunately, because your blog and its helpful information would have then been a true and trusted resource. Thank you.
I absolutely disagree.
I’m a CIVILLIAN and men to not tell me these rules; nor do these mentally programmed women technically know true manners, etiquette outside your armed gates.
The worse ARE women like this who believe “they wear the rank” to berate or judge other women who don’t practice misogyny. Some can at least separate when the spouses retire, others have NO identity but the faux entitlement programmed into them.
I know. I’m the victim of my late father in law’s black widow. Lt. Col Mortensen.
These women need HELP off their bases especially when their husbands backs are turned or they live with praise for conforming to the system or yes- you DO get a ration of emotional and mental abuse. It’s sad to see her glorify how NOT to be ABUSED! You’re abused lady. You just don’t even know it.
I am a navy Vietnam vet who heard of some National City (San Diego) wives who secretly worked
as hookers when hubby deployed. Certainly the overwhelming numbers of military wives are true blue.
These opinions online and off that spouses put out are always entertaining! My husband active duty officer of ten years gets a good laugh with me. Seriously people just be who you are and be tolerant of others! I wear gym clothes nearly every M-F and it is NOT a problem. It reflects that I’m athletic, healthy, and have my own hobbies. My husband earns his job on his own and ethically that is the way it should be. I support him in the way that I make it easy for him to do his job, not worry about the home, and help out at parties IF I want to. I don’t have time to work out and get dressed up to go buy some milk or bread, haha. Fifty years ago, officer wives couldn’t even work outside the home so spare me tradition. Honestly the best advice for spouses is to stop trying to conform to a homogeneous group of people with zero autonomy. Figure out what you like without consideration of judgement from people who are not you. Once you know yourself then you can live your authentic life and will acquire other people similar to yourself. This is our first assignment living off base and I’ve never been happier or more myself. Although some bases will be a better option to live on, so don’t take any of this as applicable to your situation due to the ridiculous amount of variables. Honestly from an AF wife of 11 years, trust yourself and your husband.
Wonderful comment Rebecca ! Could not agree with you more.
I was a military spouse for 33 years. My husband retired in 2016. Both my husband and I knew of the proper etiquette (especially when he was in uniform) when required, but aside from that, we were always very relaxed. The older we got, and the more years we had in service, the more relaxed we became. You would also see me going into the commissary with gym clothes picking up that needed gallon of milk on the way home, or stopping at the BX in ratty looking clothes picking up the duct tape that we forgot while working on the house. This is just a few of the many examples. This is what real life is, and most people understand that. I always knew my role based on my husbands rank, but being a real human being in the process was very critical in my relationships with other spouses in the role that I had to play. Trying to conform to social etiquette that is outside of your comfort zone, or not being real will not earn you any extra brownie points on the long haul. Now that we have retired, we have developed many lasting friendships throughout all enlisted/officers ranks because of it.
Great post! I’ve learned a lot of these things in my first two years as a milspouse. I really want to be one of those classy ladies you are talking about, as I’ve met a few myself and really looked up to them. I feel like there’s even more pressure to know and act this way as an officer’s wife, so I hope I can be a classy, respectful, knowledgeable military spouse!
Yes. And basic etiquette is not meant to be over the top or stressful. It’s just meant to be casual and easy for anyone to implement.
How about husbands? What are they suppose to do when they have wives in military?
The same thing. Regardless of whomever is the active duty spouse, the other spouse needs to abide by these rules.
Such great tips! I wish more women followed these simple guidelines. One of the guys in my husband’s platoon just got married and his wife is an interesting one haha all of us girls try to be warm and welcoming to new people in the group, but I would love to send along this article to her.
I think sometimes people just honestly don’t know. There have definitely been times when I didn’t. Oops! So I hope this helps another spouse in the same way it helped me.
Interesting read. Personally, I don’t see a problem with wearing work out clothing or pajamas in public. I don’t see it as being disrespectful or classless, I see it as being comfortable with yourself and not caring what other people think of your dress. My clothes outside the workplace say nothing to my level of professionalism or level of class. I wouldn’t wear work out clothing or pajamas to a social event or a dinner, but to run to the commissary or Starbucks? If I have nothing else to do for the rest of the day, why would I get undressed from comfortable, perfectly acceptable in the home attire?
You can’t wear gym/PT clothes to the commissary because that is the rule. Now I”ve been out for ten years but I can still recall seeing many a sign right on the entry way that says “NO PT CLOTHES”. I am pretty sure it’s still a rule that must be followed. The post commander couldn’t care less what you think is acceptable. It’s about presentation and being sanitary. No one wants someone in their sweaty gym clothes hanging around food.
Well said!
Umm. Yeah. Until the military provides me with a stipend for clothing–I’ll wear what I want. I’ve been to the commissary/exchange hundreds of times on my way to or from the gym. I’d love to have someone say something to me. ?
WOW. Really? Why do you want to represent your husband like that? As a military spouse you are held to certain standards. If you can’t follow the most simple, basic rules of being on base, maybe you’re not cut out to be a military spouse? If you can’t be bothered to throw on a pair of jeans instead of pajamas, you’re incredibly lazy and disrespectful. It’s such a simple thing- and it helps to represent you and your husband in a good light… so why wouldn’t you just do it? And the whole “i’d Love to have someone say something to me…” isn’t cute. It makes you look silly and like a juvenile delinquent. You’re not tough. And one of these days, someone WILL say something to you; it’s only a matter of time until you run into the wrong person and you’re kicked out of the store for looking like a bum. (That’s assuming your husband doesn’t leave you because you’ve made it clear that you aren’t cut out for the military spouse life, and he’s tired of being the guy with the wife that looks like she’s homeless)
Oh and btw- just because no one has said anything about it yet to YOU personally, doesn’t mean they haven’t said it to your husband, or to others. I assure you, if you’re going around on base breaking the rules and representing yourself like a lazy bum- people are noticing and they’re definitely talking.
THANK YOU NIKKI!!! There is no better way to say this. You hit all the nails on the head and build a whole dang house with them 🙂
Nikki, YOU are the one that sounds like a disrespectful juvenile tool. Her husband wanting to leave her for looking like a bum?? Really? Im sure her husband loves her no matter what she looks like and and unfortunately, it’s not that way in your household. Ugh such a disgusting comment! I never ever leave a comment on anything but had to in this case bc your response is just so rude and ridiculous.
I don’t think we’re as hung up on being a “military spouse” as you are. I happen to be married to someone in the military, I am not married TO the military I did not JOIN the military I do not care what the military thinks of me. You look actually quite silly for continuously repeating “ military spouse life” lol I do not live to be a military spouse, I am a spouse, I live to be his wife bc I made the decision to be but I also live to be my own person. It’s honestly kinda weird that you’re that obsessed with appearance and being a military spouse. And no, no one is talking about anyone looking like a bum bc they’re a little dressed down, I promise you that much.
Interesting. I’ve been spousal since 1993 (still in!) and Have yet to see the ‘no PT gear’ sign at a Commissary. I do know, if we survived Zumba without falling over and spraining anything- we grabbed A SBUX at the indoor mall, usually making pinkie swears to return to the next class. Good sports bras, tee’s that cover the torso, opaque leggings, ball caps and sunglasses. There are extremely exhibitionist style work out clothes for women that are well??? “You know” ? probably not ideal to wear anywhere on base even if there’s a hard body in excellent condition flaunting it just “because”- it’s not a good idea.” A good rule of thumb always is to check yourself at the door…if ‘?one of these is not like the other?‘ well ??? Hey Blue! Get your crayon! It’s a clue!!!!
After living on joint bases, I have noted a difference among branch culture. There are decorum classes for spouses, and kiddos and handbooks available on base or online. In general when checking into the military life as a spouse~ Especially living on base or overseas? It’s always handy information to know.
Wishing you Well from the Midwest, Do good things!
5MoreYearsToGo❤️
Interesting. I’ve been spousal since 1993 (still in!) and Have yet to see the ‘no PT gear’ sign at a Commissary. I do know, if we survived Zumba without falling over and spraining anything- we grabbed A SBUX at the indoor mall, usually making pinkie swears to return to the next class. Good sports bras, tee’s that cover the breasts, torso and bottom, opaque leggings, ball caps and sunglasses. There are extremely exhibitionist style work out clothes for women that are well??? “You know” ? probably not ideal to wear anywhere on base even IF there’s a hard body in excellent condition flaunting it just “because”- it’s not a good idea.”
(Think sexual harassment training and development classes.)
A good rule of thumb always in on base attire is to check yourself at the door…if ‘?one of these is not like the other?‘ well ??? Hey Blue! Get your crayon! It’s a clue!!!! It takes a while to catch on at various military functions say command bbq vs command picnic. One of these is sundress appropriate while the other is ball caps and ponytail territory cause we’re playing horseshoes and tug of war!
After living on joint bases, I have noted a slight difference among branch cultures. There are decorum classes for spouses, and kiddos and handbooks available on base at family service centers the community center or online. In general when checking into the military life as a spouse~ Especially living on base or overseas when you know you’re going to be a deployment widow for six months to a year? It’s always handy information to know.
A tongue in cheek method to guarantee you never reflect poorly on your spouse’s career? Stay out of it for one thing. Never wear his rank in your head. Never talk politics, base politics, religion or money. Don’t gossip. Be helpful whenever possible without flaunting it afterwards. Living on base in the fishbowl requires a different set of community & social skills than living off base does and it’s an ARTFORM! ?
Wishing you Well from the Midwest, Do good things!
5MoreYearsToGo❤️
The way you comport yourself and the clothes you choose wear is just not a reflection of your own preferences but is a signifier of how you respect other people. Going to get groceries
In your sweats or pajama pants and bedroom slippers shows disrespect to yourself and others. Grow up people, it’s not all about what makes you feel good.
There are no signs in the commissary/exchanges here nor have I ever heard about this rule. I always wear “work out clothes.” The majority of the time I’m out in public in work out clothes I haven’t even worked out. It’s just easier to wear leggings and a tank top than to get all dressed up just to go to the store.
Our exchange here has a sign posted right at their door, one woman smiling and dressed properly and one man smiling and dressed properly, with a list of what is and is not allowed to be worn. Maybe you haven’t seen one around your area because you weren’t looking for it? I only noticed because I told my husband how dumb it is I can’t wear gym clothes, so he pointed the sign out to me
I think the best rule to follow is to MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS. The best military wives Ive wncountered as a spouse are the ones who dont bother me. They say Hi and go along their way. If your nose is in other peoples business or telling others how to behave, you dont have enough of your own business.
Some of you women need to seriously calm down. Not cut out to be a military spouse because you enjoy wearing pajamas in public or your hair is in a bun. Sorry but this isn’t 1950 the national anthem is not playing round the clock and what you wear does not determine respect towards your husband in anyway. I fear for some of the children you people are raising with these old fashioned methodologies. Learn to mind your own business and treat others with respect. Simple. Some of these women have kids to take care of and careers and if they feel like running to the commissary for something real quick feeling comfortable who are you to say anything? Nothing to do with respect towards anything or anybody, we are people and human beings and if something makes her comfortable then so be it. No need to crucify someone because they aren’t attempting to keep up with these old military spouse myths on how you are supposed to be dressed and acting. Ridiculous.
If they wanna run out for a quick “something,”or in pajamas or work out clothes, they should go to a convenience store off base or to Albertson’s. We have been out of the Militsry for over 23 years and my respect for the rules on base still run deep. You are a guest and a reflection of that service. Trust me, when your husband gets called to see their Top and he gets on him about the disrespectfull and rule breaking wife and he ends up demoted, which affects your pay, then maybe you will understand the importance of a Military Spouse. I think maybe it’s time the Military requires a spouse to take a class on their expectations and understanding of the rules to be on base before allowing them an I.D. card. And if they break the rules they remove their ability to be on base so they can no longer shop on base and their benefits of the discounts and all the benefits they get for free because their service memeber. Shameful!
Old rules of etiquette of years gone by are held up as acceptable. Military does not want recognize that bias toward women especially military wives lives on. Your husbands boss should not speak to member about life situations
AMEN!! Some of these unspoken “rules” are ridiculous. Military spouses already have so much of our identity stripped, you really think I’m going to tolerate someone coming up to me wearing Nike shorts while grocery shopping and asking me to leave? Or someone telling my husband I was wearing work out clothes to run to the bank on base? I would love to see his reaction to that, ha. Spouses, all you need is common sense— don’t let some of these comments make you feel inadequate! PS- in my years as a military spouse I have NEVER seen a spouse chastised/talked about/etc for these things, and let me tell you I have encountered a few wild ones. It seems to me the military wives always have way more to say than actual service members…
My husband is just now joining the military. I am absolutely pertified of how everything is going to go. We have three kiddos. Im so proud of him, I really hope I can make him proud of me as well by being supportive and “fitting in”.
How is living on base??
As a Active Duty Navy Chief spouse of 21 years and a 10 year Navy veteran I find this article incorrect and offensive on many levels. Where is the sense of being normal and relatable? This article gives me a superior attitude when in reality we are all equal. I’ve never felt or acted superior no matter my husbands rank. No gym clothes? 🤨. We are not active duty members. We are spouses. That is a problem within the military community spouses try to be the spouses rank in my opinion.
Regiment helps the appearance of the service person by being a supportive family member. The home is stable, the serviceman is stable, mature, and able to take on more responsibility in his position. Family support helps the service person do better at work which keeps his or her thoughts in the mission. His record looks better and promotions happen quicker for the well supported military person. Everything supports the other.
I’ve been a military spouse for 10 years and have NEVER seen “dress code” at the PX or the commissary. I’m sure it’s the garrison commanders discretion, but I’d imagine that person has bigger issues to deal with than worrying about what a spouse wears to the store.
“…but to run to the commissary or Starbucks? If I have nothing else to do for the rest of the day, why would I get undressed from comfortable, perfectly acceptable in the home attire?”
To answer your question….
Why would you get undressed from comfortable perfectly acceptable in the home attire, if you’re going to Starbucks or the commissary?
Well, simply because YOURE LEAVING THE HOME.
The attire is acceptable at HOME. If you’re going somewhere other than HOME- then you need to wear the appropriate attire for that particular location. At home you wear pajamas. In public you do not.
It’s a simple concept.
Some of you women are more anal than the entire USMC combined. Marine spouse here, I wear what I want, when I want. That being said I do not go out in public in anything that would make me say “god I wish I hadn’t ran into them”. But do I wear my yoga pants to the Exchange, yup. Is my hair in a messy bun while in nice cloths and my makeup done, yup. Does my husband give a flying you know what, nope. I respect the C&Cs, but I’m a civilian. And I have never been to a USMC base, EVER, that had anything posted pertaining to spouses and their children, to include what they can and cannot wear. Now, it’s very clear what’s acceptable for the service member; shave your face, get a hair cut, etc., and there are plenty of salty 1st Sgts making sure the rules are followed.
Get over yourselves ladies. MYOB and go about thinking you’re better than everyone else because you follow the unwritten “rules”. Meanwhile, the rest of us will enjoy our fun, our yoga pants, and laughing at women like you ??
I went to General school and you are right don’t wear sweat except jogging or the gym. Was not told to walk to the left, don’t know where you got that information. Always watch what you say people will remember what you did. Be kind and help out. There are rules when you go to someone’s house you need to least try the food they serve. When you put your silverware down when you are eating the fork is turned down on the left side, and the others on the right criss crossed, that indicates you are done eating.
Great tips! Thanks!
I was told to always walk on my man’s left in case he had to salute. Hand holding, the same– it’s not proper to salute when you’re holding your girl’s hand with your left. He has been active and/ or Reserve for over 40 years (officer).
I also remember that. I am sure my husband explained that to me. It made total sense to me and still does. Great tips! I have a neice I am gonna forward these tips to. I wish a handbook was given to us. But my Marine explained the expectations. P.s. i still remember and we have been out 23 years that the commission, PX bowling alley everywhere had a sign about No gym clothes.
Commisary.
The reason to walk on the service member’s left side while they are in uniform is to avoid being elbowed in the head when they inevitably need to salute with their right hand.
Exact;ly, and just because one person (or a group) thinks it’s ‘ok’ or about being comfortable… guess what? It’s still inappropriate, ESPECIALLY on Base.
I will say one thing… although that bit about PT gear is GENERALLY true, in GTMO, the sign does say ‘No PT gear or tank tops’ and it is ENFORCED, but it is not unusual to walk in and see someone in a wetsuit (not yet wet) with a dive knife strapped to his/her calf…… bit of a shock the first time. After a month, doesn’t even ping the RADAR.
Ok, that last was supposed to appear further up-thread…
I;ve been told to to walk on my husband’s left, but really it’s just common sense – unless you make sure you leave plenty of room for that right elbow. Of course, since we were technically a dual military couple (I was Reserve, so it wasn’t often an issue, except overseas where I often drilled on work days instead of on a w/e), it didn’t much matter.
Thank you very much for an insightful article. I am total newbie to this wonderful community of military spouses and there is so much I still have to learn. We are about to PCS to an Army base in Japan and this post just provided me with a lot of useful tips I will bear in mind. Thanks again!
Is it frowned upon to have something like purple hair as the wife of someone in the army?
Yes, this is how it SHOULD be. We have lived at Fort Stewart for three years now, and while I have met some wonderful people, there are few women that I would consider “classy.” Most of them are officers’ wives, which is sad. Every man in uniform should have a wife that draws respect to his line of work., enlisted or commissioned. Far too many military wives let go of themselves, act and dress in inappropriate ways and basically become the “dependents” we are labeled as. Since my husband has been in the Army (enlisted), I have earned my Bachelors Degree, earned a professional certificate, and contributed to our family’s income by working part-time, all while dressing appropriately and keeping our house neat and welcoming. I would never dream of dressing or acting the way some of these wives do. All this being said, more Army spouses should receive advice like this and be mindful of how they are representing their husbands.
Thank you. The ‘others’ who give us all a bad name have caused me a bit of teeth grinding – but there is only so much we can do to hopefully educate the new ones – and we don’t always know what is going on in the life of some of the more experienced spouses…. a child with special needs, an i;l parent, health concerns or their own mental health may contribute to what the rest of the military world perceives. Others just never develop the pride that some of us have. And, unfortunately, I have met a few who were just after that ;magic gold card; that marked them as a dependent with Exchange/Commissary/Medical benefits… sigh.
There is a great etiquette book out there for Army spouses. The Army Wife Handbook by Ann Crossley. I own it and find it very useful!
All really great points. Some of the “common sense” items aren’t as common as we all hope! The point about RSVPing and Thank You notes is also important, especially in situations with superiors.
You might want to do one last read through before posting, as it says, “butt checks” versus “butt cheeks.” Thanks again for the great tips!
Ha. Thanks for the heads up 😉
Perhaps they should do butt checks for butt cheeks?
???
Can someone tell me where I would ask a question about a marines spouse posting personal names (first, middle, last names, addresses, phone number, birth dates of all family members, base housing name and her husbands’ job on social media? Is this appropriate?
Not really, although depending on WHERE they live and what he does, it may not be as big a deal as in some cases. Still, it’s not a good idea and is certainly not good OPSEC. I can’t say that it definitely WOULD, but it conceivably COULD be a factor if he requires a Clearance level in the future. If it’s a friend or co-worker’s spouse, a quiet word with the Marine may suffice.
I would say her husband’s command needs to be made aware. That would be a simple phone call. This is absolutely an OPSEC issue and could result in indirect harm to the unit.
Some of this is great … However , wearing your gym clothing to the bx or commissary is fine. I don’t know what base you’re at . Here at Robins we wear what ever we dang well please! I’m not out to impress anyone or be fake! My husbands career is doing just fine . I’d say that is pretty much how the majority of spouses I know are. We are not the stepford wives .
I’ve been employed by, in and a dependent of the Navy since 1984. Although my husband retired in ’06, we just returned Stateside from living on a US Base two years ago. In the DC area (Fts Meade, Detrick and Belvoir, Bethesda Naval and Navy Yard, Andrews AFB and Quantico), the Naval Bases in Tidewater, VA (Portsmouth, Norfolk, Little Creek and the one in VA BCH), Jacksonville Naval Base, San Diego & Miramar in CA, all of the various Bases on Okinawa (Japan) and GTMO ALL have posted that those entering must wear proper attire and prohibiting PT gear or tank tops – without exception. Perhaps you go to a Base with a looser requirement, but you should be aware that that could and likely will change with a change in Exchange management or a new Base Commander. Also, you may THINK your spouses career is doing just fine, but may not be aware of where it could be. Unless you are a total embarrassment to the military (and I did see an officer once told that his choice of wife made his intention to stay in untenable), you will likely have no idea whether he has been held back or denied plum assignments.
You may wear what “you dang well please” but it is does not mean it is right. No one but your husband should know what your body actually looks like and lycra tells the whole story!. I am in corporate America and a military spouse. I would not expect my Husband to show up at my office in PT clothes nor would he expect me to do so on his post unless I am heading to the gym. Really ladies, this is not your decision………if you have a shred of class you will support your hubby and dress appropriately. Stop acting like dependents and start acting like leaders!
While i thoroughly agree with the rest of the etiquette, I feel that the “rules” about gym clothes and how to dress glorifies the culture of judgement within the military community. It is honestly very immature and rude – we’re supposed to be one unified family because we are all going through very similar things – we don’t need to have this high school clique mentality – like “oh my husband is higher rank”. I wear what I want and if you want to judge me for it, then looking petty is on you. Mind yours.
You are also supposed to follow posted rules. They apply to all, not just the military members.
It is not ‘immature and rude’, it is real life. It has nothing to do with rank – spouses who are ‘on board’ with their junior enlisted spouses’ career are aware of the image they are projecting as a military spouse (male or female; only fifteen per cent of Sailors are female, but that means that there are many Navy husbands also). I don’t know where the real cut-offs are in the other services, but when Chief Boards meet, there is someone in the room who knows what image the candidate’s spouse projects. It’s not a clique, it’s respect for the community. The same goes in the corporate world.
Great list, and yes, those are all true. I would add one more: flip flops are not ok, but sandals are. I have literally been turned away from base offices for wearing flip flops, even with jeans and otherwise acceptable clothing! Yet sandals are fine.
I know lots of people go to the Commissary in yoga pants or gym clothes. My husband can’t stand it, because it is technically against the rules. He inuts I change into real clothes, even if I am going straight FROM THE GYM to the Comissary! And I do, because it is important to him and my behavior reflects on him.
Agree 100%
I understand that people like wearing their comfy clothes while running errands, but the point of the statement is how it reflects on your service member to be out in public on the base in what is usually inappropriate or shabby clothing. My husband always makes it a point to change out of his basketball shorts if he is coming on the base for anything. That’s why we live off base, we can go out to run errands in whatever we’d like as long as we aren’t going to the base. It’s simply a matter of being respectful to the establishment and wanting to look nice in case you see someone that your spouse knows. And a flowy maxi skirt is just as comfy as a pair of yoga pants but looks like you put in a lot more effort. A decent shirt and a maxi skirt with a pair of slip on shoes (or a decent shirt with a nice pair of shorts and a pair of slip on shoes if you’re a military husband) takes the same amount of effort to put on as a decent shirt with a pair of yoga pants and a pair of slip ons. It’s all about perception, and people’s perception of you can (and probably will) effect how people look at your spouse. It’s just the nature of the beast.
BRAVA!
Nicely said.
I love reading things like this, I’m a soon to be military wife (rank not important) and the thought of committing a faux-pas terrifies me. I know these communities are small and first impressions are sometimes permanent, I just want to do my best for my future husband and the rest of the family/community. I have to agree wholeheartedly about the workout clothes. I live in an area now with lots of wealthy wives and the “dress code” is in effect here as well, even with us civilians in Carmel/Pebble Beach. You never know who you’re going to run into. Brilliant article, and I will definitely be following this blog more closely as the months draw closer to my move onto base.
Silvy, hopefully you already know some of the spouses of your fiancee’s coworkers. Don’t be afraid to ask them for advice. IF there is a Wive’s or Spouse’s Club, consider at least attending a couple of meetings after you are married. Some are great community groups, but I’ll warn you, some DO live up to the evil rep the y sometimes receive. If he’s an officer, talk to his direct supervisor’s wife (I don’t know what branch) and if he’s enlisted, you’ll want to do the same. We were Navy, and in that environment, I would recommend talking to his Chief’s wife (Chief is E-7), even if your guy is a junior officer. Don’t know if the other services have a rank that entails all a Chief does, but I would think a Marine Gunny does from my experience with them. If he’s higher than a O-2 or 3, then your beyond my areas of expertise.
Congrats on the marriage, and hold on, you are in for QUITE an adventure. You’ll be especially lucky if you get the chance to go overseas. If you EVER get a chance to go to GTMO (Guantanamo Bay), grab it with both hands. Admittedly, people either love it or hate it, but if you love it, it will steal a piece of your soul… and if you hate it, it’s only 30 months, and your next posting can’t be any worse!
Thank you!
Thank you so much for this article. I’m (quite) new to the ‘military life’. My husband is an officer and I am absolutely terrified of ‘official meetings’ and doing something wrong. I come from a foreign enlisted military family, so I know some etiquettes, just not all, and we do actually have different ones which can be very confusing. Especially official dinners make me feel very uncomfortable.
I know it’s hard for him to always ‘babysit’ me and explain all the details. For him it just comes natural and who has time for that anyways. To mingle with other spouses really can help and also took away a bit of my fear (familiar faces to talk to and sit next to always takes away some of the stress at official meetings, balls, etc.). But I still have a long way to go until I really feel comfortable.
And to the ones who know the rules: tell the others! How can we learn it if no one tells us? I know it can be hard. But just jump into it and go: ‘Hey, I don’t mean to be rude or offensive but I noticed you wearing x/doing y and just wanted to inform you that it is against the rules/not considered ok/… to wear/do that’, and then give them a friendly smile. We have enough stress in our lifes, so helping each other out should also include being open and honest with each other.
Would it be okay to wear jeans and an anime T-shirt on base?
Probably 🙂
Thank you for a straight forward, common sense guide.
A.N. Taylor
Proud Navy veteran, Marine wife and Navy mom (x2)
You are so welcome!
I am so glad i found this article. My husband just enlisted. Although it will be a little while before we are on a base, i want to make sure i have all of my ducks in a row, so to speak. I do not want to do anything to make my husband look bad.
This is an off topic question but I could really use some information since I will soon be new to this life style. My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years, he is joining the Marine’s and we want to get married before he leaves. I am still in college until summer of 2018, we don’t have a Marine’s base near home…what happens to me and our marriage when he is stationed else where?
Unless you want to switch to online school and follow him, chances are you’ll be long distance until you graduate! Don’t worry too much, as a military wife you’ll probably have to experience deployments and other temporary separations depending on his mos. We’re strong ladies! My husband has been a marine for 10 years, we’ve been together for 6 years but only married for 3. We had 3 years of long distance/deployment before we got married, and it still worked out fine! You just have to be strong, supportive and faithful. It’s absolutely doable.
I find all this on How Military wives should act very humorous Having served 30 years two wars, and Five kids. . But times have changed in the Military for sure as in my career in the Navy My wife action or having a wife was not part of the Navy operational Guide lines. When I enlisted on E-5 was recommended to be married and with Chaplin’s and CO approval in order to obtain an allotment. Many times I was told by senior officers and Chaplin that If not Issued in my sea bag then she is ant required. Also when my kids was born I was told that just cause you were laying the keel don’t require you being at the launching so stay on duty.As for how to address a sailor, In my day it was never petty officer Jones, But Just HEY YOU, JONES, Officer greeted each by first names, But never did enlisted. And the term BX is new as it was The Exchange or Gedunk. And I never called a E-8 senior Chief or a E-9 Master Chief, Always just Chief,, I also never saw Gold Stripes on any one until around early 1970’s, So all this protocol and Wives edequeit is the New Nerd Navy .lol . My wife and Kids new what there job was and never had to be trained, lol
Got a question- what about jeans with holes in them? Not gapping holes explicitly placed but slightly distressed because that’s the style jeans? Are those a no go? I’ve been wearing the same two pairs of jeans around for a month because I don’t want to get side eye just in case. I like to air on the side of caution because I know that I’m a reflection on her and it’s all ready hard enough being a same sex military couple.
Also fashion and military don’t seem to mesh well so any other pointers on what to avoid would be greaaat!
You are so right Jenn…fashion and military don’t seem to mesh well. You know, I think every base is different with what they enforce versus overlook. I would feel comfortable wearing jeans with holes in them. I usually just follow some basic rules: no workout clothes, no pajamas, no clothes that show your mid-drift, spaghetti straps or butt. Hope this helps!
Lauren
I believe this article’s purpose was and is to help inform wives (spouses) that desire to bring honor to those who serve our country. If you don’t have that desire why are you reading the article and/or leaving comments that are disrespectful. Yes, some corrections can be harsh. That’s military! You don’t like someone else telling you what to do, why are you reading this? That’s military! You don’t want anyone telling you how to dress. That’s military! It may have been harsh for a fellow military wife to say anything about a husband leaving his wife because of the disrespect she displays on base. BUT, if a wife is knowledgeable of expectation and deliberately breaks rules, she probably has no respect for her husband, his job, his family, this country or her own home. Military commands, demands and deserves our respect, if you are a citizen of the United States of America and you should gladly, honorably, and shamelessly give it.
Yes, there are circumstances in real life that prohibits an individual from following all rules of etiquette, and thank the Lord Almighty for his grace that others give you. But will you continue in your knowledge to trample on the grace of God. These women who are giving words of instruction are doing what God has commanded them.
Titus 2:4-5 King James Version (KJV)
4 That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,
5 To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.
1 Timothy 3:11 ESV
Their wives likewise must be dignified, not slanderers, but sober-minded, faithful in all things.
◄ Proverbs 31:23 NIV
Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
Do you want your husband to succeed in life? Do you desire the best for him? Than it would behoove of you to listen to instruction.
BEHOOVE
verb (used with object), be·hooved, be·hoov·ing.
to be necessary or proper for, as for moral or ethical considerations; be incumbent on:
It behooves the court to weigh evidence impartially.
to be worthwhile to, as for personal profit or advantage:
It would behoove you to be nicer to those who could help you.
Good article but doesn’t emphasize how one mistake, one time, can affect how higher-ups perceive your partner. You won’t hear about it and the uniformed person may never but what YOU say and how YOU act and dress WILL at some point in time influence the uniformed person’s promotability. Don’t be paranoid but always “act as if” you want to be at a certain level. If married to a service member, you ARE a team.
Thank you for sharing this I learn a lot 🙂 now i have something more to explain to my children on why or why not we do or act like something everytime we we go to the base. Again thank you
I would add the rule that, “You don’t wear your husband’s rank.” Yes, you should be cognizant of his rank and what it means, but you should never ever use HIS rank to intimidate another spouse or civilian that you’re interacting with. That also falls under the topic of keeping it classy.
Good read. Thank you for sharing. I agree, it’s not about wearing the rank of our spouses but about the pride that we eventually develop over the course of time we are by their sides for their achievements.
Great info…I had no idea there were guidelines for going to the BX or Commissary!
What about ripped jeans? I mean they’re in style and it’s kinda hard to find jeans that aren’t ripped
I was a military (Air Force) brat. My husband has been in the Air Force for 29 years. We’ve been married for 18 years. When I was a kid it was drilled in me to be respectful, do not talk while adults are talking, don’t run around the BX or Commissary like a rabid animal,
but the one I never see or hear about even with military members is stay off the grass. You do not walk on the grass. It was considered disrespectful. You see everyone waking on the grass now.Except my family. It drives me insane to see it, because even after my dad retired and we’d go on base our feet better not touch the grass. That’s why they have sidewalks. I’m always telling my husband that I know members have been taught better when they was in basic training. His famous answer is “It’s the new Air Force” and he’s right. I see spouses dressing like hookers, kids running around in the Bx or commissary acting like they’re half crazy, and kids now days are disrespectful to the military members.I guess I’m just old school.
So I just wanted to comment real quick about the dress code of the commissary and such. I am totally for leggings and a tank top (in fact I will still wear jeans and a tank top to the commissary) while running errands. I have never seen any sign at the NEX or commissary in San Diego, this dress code is news to me! I will add that I was with my husband grocery shopping in shorts and a tank top while pregnant in the summer (not the classiest dress ever). I had to have shots in the top on my butt once a week every week for the entirety of my pregnancy and I had adverse reactions to the injections, ie itchy skin at the injection site. We had been at the store for awhile, I was extremely uncomfortable and of course my butt was itchy. We go down a mostly empty isle and I was like here is my chance so I start rubbing my bum to itch the injection site and guess who we run into…. the captain of my husband’s ship. I no longer wear shorts or leggings to the commissary and I refrain from rubbing my butt for fear of running into someone important ha.
Other then a residential housing area on base, anywhere else, on a Marine base you use the sidewalk, never, ever take a short cut arcoss to another building no matter how tempting it may seem.
I came across this as I was looking for “rules” for military wives behaviors. Interesting, and I learned alot. I didn’t however find what I was looking for. Maybe someone can point me in the right direction? An older woman I know was threatened, bullied and told to kill herself because it would the world happier, on a couple sites on facebook, by a military wife (mw) with very young children. This mw also blasted out the older woman’s address along with many f and c words. Many of us were appalled and a police report was made, but sadly the police said there was nothing they could do. The mw does not live on base (af) Is there something to be done? Thank you all!
Forgot to mention the reason the mw did all the above. Her father moved his travel trailer onto the property where the military family is renting. For his “hobby” he enjoys flying his drone by peoples properties and windows all hours of the day and night. The older woman could no longer take it, and the father wouldn’t stop, so she made 2 police reports with other neighbors. Since then, the father and his daughter (mw) have been harassing and threatening the older woman in retaliation.
There are dirtbags everywhere…
Exactly. She probably counts down the days until THEY retire. ?
I think this article may be dated, but here in Guam we wear flip flops and leggings/tank tops everywhere. Literally everyone does it. It’s almost weird to see a spouse NOT in gym clothes lol! That’s pretty much the only issue I have with this list. The slut-shamey attitude towards leggings/gym clothing is ridiculous. If I can wear yoga pants to the gym on base around other military people, I can wear them to run into the commissary. And I checked – we don’t have a list of “acceptable attire” anywhere but the gym.
Slut-shamey attitude?? No, seeing someones ripples on their butt cheeks because their thin leggings are so tight is what’s ridiculous. I’m in N.C. and the same is true – it’s weird seeing a spouse NOT son gym clothes, and when I do see those spouses who dress appropriately and respectfully it’s refreshing.
Now as she said, every base and branch is a little different. I know that on the west coast there is more leniency towards summer clothing than on the east coast (even though it gets just as hot here, it’s a Cali thing I guess).
Either way, it is ultimately your military member’s career in jeopardy, so go ahead and wear what you will and keep that bad rap increasing for the rest of us. I hope your EAS date is near.
His career in jeopardy? Could you be any more dramatic? Hoping someone’s EAS date is near I really do hope it is yours because you are showing some very unsavory and unhelpful behaviors. As a military spouse myself I think it’s imporant to help each other instead of pushing your own adgendas about how the world should be dressing on other spouses. God bless ?
I didn’t realize military wives are in some sort of special debutant-like club. Seriously, most of these rules are just common sense good behavior for people in general. I work as a civilian for DoD and grew up around military bases and definitely never worried too much about what I wore to the commissary. In general, I don’t believe in wearing pajamas in public, but yoga pants are the style and there is no reason why military wives shouldn’t be able to don a pair as they shop the glamorous aisles of the BX/PX. To suppose your husband’s CO is watching you and will derail his career accordingly is just a bit paranoid and self-important.
It’s called a code and respect. When you are at the Comms., Exchange, and other places on base you obey the codes/the rules.
Saying that military wives are “debutant-like” club is clearly showing your ignornace. Your “feelings” about the on-base rules shows your narcissism. You just do what you want ” ’cause I am the Queen…” hahaha! Feelings aren’t facts.
Why are you even on this blog if you’re not a military spouse???
It’s scary to know that you work for the DOD as you clearly don’t respect the rules.
God help this country with people like you working for it.
Your blog is great. I just discovered it.
Here at Fort Gordon, GA I see guys wearing gym
attire at the Exchange and Comms. Guys
wearing their pants around their ass! Nothing
is done.
Standards are being lessened.
Yes I agree with you. I wear what I want and gave never thought twice about it. Wow! Some of the things these ladies are saying are absolutely ridiculous and from 1962! I mean come on! My husband has been in for 16 years and WOW. He is currently deployed and I had put third baby whule he is away. He will not meet baby until baby is 7 months. Please don’t tell me what I can and cannot wear to the commissary. What a joke this article is! Get a grip on reality people.
I am a widow of an Army lieutenant. On Veteran’s Day, I’d like to wear my husband’s field jacket, which does not bear his insignia. Is this improper?
Reading the article and reading through all of these, sometimes insane, comments. It is like some kind of sick cult. I came to the blog to see if maybe, just perhaps, I could stand to live on base. Well, that was cleared up real quick! Ladaies (and gentlemen), just because your spouse is active duty does not mean that the military also owns YOU. Live off base, don’t deal with ”mandatory fun” (your spouse can attend this with you or the kids!), don’t go all in for the military ball ridiculousness stuff, There is a life full of wonderful people all around that has NOTHING to do with the military. Even if your family is sent overseas, you DO NOT HAVE TO LIVE ON BASE/POST! (usually). Don’t do it. Don’t join the cult, dont let your spouses work life tell you how and what you can do or say or be!