Military Resources
I’ve seen some really classy military spouses in my time as a military wife and military girlfriend. And I do mean classy in a literal, non-sarcastic way. They seem to have it together (mostly). They know the rules of military life like the back of their hand.
Meanwhile I’m over hear in the corner secretly wishing there was a handbook for all this stuff. I just want to keep it all straight, and I definitely don’t want to piss anyone off or get my husband in trouble.
Over the past few years, I’ve humbly learned a little bit about what it means to be a military spouse with manners—classy. And I hate to admit that I’ve learned a few of these things by messing up the rules (regularly). Good thing people seem to have a bit of grace if you don’t always know what you’re doing.
This list doesn’t contain every single best etiquette practice, but it’s the basics. Here are a few things classy military spouses know well and stick to in military life:
They don’t wear gym clothes on base unless they are actually going to the gym.
Yeah, you can’t go to Dunkin Donuts on base to grab a coffee in your gym clothes. Not that I ever got yelled at for doing that. Unfortunately, you can’t go to the commissary either or anywhere else on base for that matter in your gym clothes. Rule of thumb: save your gym clothes for the gym and your jammie pants for your home.
- Understanding the Military Commissary Dress Code
- 7 Dress Code Violations That Can Get You Thrown Out of Buildings On Base
They dress classy, not trashy.
Excuse the blunt language here, but it is important to keep your butt cheeks tucked away and your cleavage within reason. Save it for a nice night with your husband at home, not for the whole military community to see. Don’t stress, pearls and fancy wear is not required. Jeans and a t-shirt works just fine.
They show respect while the National Anthem is playing.
An important way to show honor and respect. Gum chewing, talking, or smoking during the National Anthem is best avoided.
When their service members are in uniform, they save the kissy-kissy for later.
Unfortunately, as attractive as your service member looks in his uniform, PDA is prohibited. There are definitely situations when it is overlooked and very conservative hand-holding or a kiss is okay. But for the most part, it’s best to refrain in public. In private is a whole different story.
They don’t try on a service member’s uniform, take a picture just for funsies and post in on Facebook.
This sounds like a fun idea. Well, at least it does to me. But this is considered highly disrespectful to do this. Truth: No one should wear the service member’s uniform except for the man or woman who earned it.
They save the service member’s PT gear for the service member only.
Yes, you have to wear your own clothes to the gym.
They know to walk on the left side while he’s in uniform.
This leaves the right side available for him to salute if needed, and just good practice overall.
They stop for colors and the raising / retiring of the flag.
So, so important. If you hear colors or see the raising or retiring of the flag, politely stop and face the flag with your hand over your heart. This also includes if you are driving in your vehicle.
They avoid conversing about politics, sex and religion at special events.
Well, this is just a good rule in military life and everywhere else.
They know the “No walk and talk rule” for service members in uniform.
Service members are not supposed to walk and talk on a cell phone or walk and eat or drink while in uniform. This is good to know if you are ever wondering why your spouse won’t answer his phone. Personally, this hasn’t come up too much. Usually when a service member is in uniform, they are sitting down to eat and drink anyway. Car eating is considered okay at some installations.
They learn to recognize ranks and the proper way to address them.
This is on an as needed basis. There are a lot of variations between the different branches, so my best advice is simply to ask your service member about this one.
They RSVP to formal invites and write thank you notes.
This is just common sense. Hopefully.
Want more on military life?
- How to Talk to Your Service Member Post Deployment
- The Real Reason Being a Military Wife is So Hard
- 31 Best Military Wife Quotes for Encouragement
- 43 Awesome Tips Every New Military Wife Needs to Know
What’s your best etiquette rule for milspouses? Let’s chat in the comments!
Got a question- what about jeans with holes in them? Not gapping holes explicitly placed but slightly distressed because that’s the style jeans? Are those a no go? I’ve been wearing the same two pairs of jeans around for a month because I don’t want to get side eye just in case. I like to air on the side of caution because I know that I’m a reflection on her and it’s all ready hard enough being a same sex military couple.
Also fashion and military don’t seem to mesh well so any other pointers on what to avoid would be greaaat!
You are so right Jenn…fashion and military don’t seem to mesh well. You know, I think every base is different with what they enforce versus overlook. I would feel comfortable wearing jeans with holes in them. I usually just follow some basic rules: no workout clothes, no pajamas, no clothes that show your mid-drift, spaghetti straps or butt. Hope this helps!
Lauren
I believe this article’s purpose was and is to help inform wives (spouses) that desire to bring honor to those who serve our country. If you don’t have that desire why are you reading the article and/or leaving comments that are disrespectful. Yes, some corrections can be harsh. That’s military! You don’t like someone else telling you what to do, why are you reading this? That’s military! You don’t want anyone telling you how to dress. That’s military! It may have been harsh for a fellow military wife to say anything about a husband leaving his wife because of the disrespect she displays on base. BUT, if a wife is knowledgeable of expectation and deliberately breaks rules, she probably has no respect for her husband, his job, his family, this country or her own home. Military commands, demands and deserves our respect, if you are a citizen of the United States of America and you should gladly, honorably, and shamelessly give it.
Yes, there are circumstances in real life that prohibits an individual from following all rules of etiquette, and thank the Lord Almighty for his grace that others give you. But will you continue in your knowledge to trample on the grace of God. These women who are giving words of instruction are doing what God has commanded them.
Titus 2:4-5 King James Version (KJV)
4 That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,
5 To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.
1 Timothy 3:11 ESV
Their wives likewise must be dignified, not slanderers, but sober-minded, faithful in all things.
◄ Proverbs 31:23 NIV
Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
Do you want your husband to succeed in life? Do you desire the best for him? Than it would behoove of you to listen to instruction.
BEHOOVE
verb (used with object), be·hooved, be·hoov·ing.
to be necessary or proper for, as for moral or ethical considerations; be incumbent on:
It behooves the court to weigh evidence impartially.
to be worthwhile to, as for personal profit or advantage:
It would behoove you to be nicer to those who could help you.
Interesting article and comments. I’m seeing a lot of mixed opinions. My husband just enlisted so I am new to all of this. What are your thoughts on athletic clothing? Not gym clothes, per se, but clothing from outdoor recreational stores like REI. I’m a very outdoorsy and athletic person and probably 80% of my wardrobe reflects this. I often dress for practicality, not fashion. Is this frowned upon? What about wearing hats (beanies, ball caps, etc.) on base?
Good article but doesn’t emphasize how one mistake, one time, can affect how higher-ups perceive your partner. You won’t hear about it and the uniformed person may never but what YOU say and how YOU act and dress WILL at some point in time influence the uniformed person’s promotability. Don’t be paranoid but always “act as if” you want to be at a certain level. If married to a service member, you ARE a team.
Thank you for sharing this I learn a lot 🙂 now i have something more to explain to my children on why or why not we do or act like something everytime we we go to the base. Again thank you
I would add the rule that, “You don’t wear your husband’s rank.” Yes, you should be cognizant of his rank and what it means, but you should never ever use HIS rank to intimidate another spouse or civilian that you’re interacting with. That also falls under the topic of keeping it classy.
Good read. Thank you for sharing. I agree, it’s not about wearing the rank of our spouses but about the pride that we eventually develop over the course of time we are by their sides for their achievements.
Great info…I had no idea there were guidelines for going to the BX or Commissary!
What about ripped jeans? I mean they’re in style and it’s kinda hard to find jeans that aren’t ripped
I was a military (Air Force) brat. My husband has been in the Air Force for 29 years. We’ve been married for 18 years. When I was a kid it was drilled in me to be respectful, do not talk while adults are talking, don’t run around the BX or Commissary like a rabid animal,
but the one I never see or hear about even with military members is stay off the grass. You do not walk on the grass. It was considered disrespectful. You see everyone waking on the grass now.Except my family. It drives me insane to see it, because even after my dad retired and we’d go on base our feet better not touch the grass. That’s why they have sidewalks. I’m always telling my husband that I know members have been taught better when they was in basic training. His famous answer is “It’s the new Air Force” and he’s right. I see spouses dressing like hookers, kids running around in the Bx or commissary acting like they’re half crazy, and kids now days are disrespectful to the military members.I guess I’m just old school.
So I just wanted to comment real quick about the dress code of the commissary and such. I am totally for leggings and a tank top (in fact I will still wear jeans and a tank top to the commissary) while running errands. I have never seen any sign at the NEX or commissary in San Diego, this dress code is news to me! I will add that I was with my husband grocery shopping in shorts and a tank top while pregnant in the summer (not the classiest dress ever). I had to have shots in the top on my butt once a week every week for the entirety of my pregnancy and I had adverse reactions to the injections, ie itchy skin at the injection site. We had been at the store for awhile, I was extremely uncomfortable and of course my butt was itchy. We go down a mostly empty isle and I was like here is my chance so I start rubbing my bum to itch the injection site and guess who we run into…. the captain of my husband’s ship. I no longer wear shorts or leggings to the commissary and I refrain from rubbing my butt for fear of running into someone important ha.
Other then a residential housing area on base, anywhere else, on a Marine base you use the sidewalk, never, ever take a short cut arcoss to another building no matter how tempting it may seem.