I’ve seen some really classy military spouses in my time as a military wife and military girlfriend. And I do mean classy in a literal, non-sarcastic way. They seem to have it together (mostly). They know the rules of military life like the back of their hand.
Meanwhile I’m over hear in the corner secretly wishing there was a handbook for all this stuff. I just want to keep it all straight, and I definitely don’t want to piss anyone off or get my husband in trouble.
Over the past few years, I’ve humbly learned a little bit about what it means to be a military spouse with manners—classy. And I hate to admit that I’ve learned a few of these things by messing up the rules (regularly). Good thing people seem to have a bit of grace if you don’t always know what you’re doing.
This list doesn’t contain every single best etiquette practice, but it’s the basics. Here are a few things classy military spouses know well and stick to in military life:
They don’t wear gym clothes on base unless they are actually going to the gym.
Yeah, you can’t go to Dunkin Donuts on base to grab a coffee in your gym clothes. Not that I ever got yelled at for doing that. Unfortunately, you can’t go to the commissary either or anywhere else on base for that matter in your gym clothes. Rule of thumb: save your gym clothes for the gym and your jammie pants for your home.
- Understanding the Military Commissary Dress Code
- 7 Dress Code Violations That Can Get You Thrown Out of Buildings On Base
They dress classy, not trashy.
Excuse the blunt language here, but it is important to keep your butt cheeks tucked away and your cleavage within reason. Save it for a nice night with your husband at home, not for the whole military community to see. Don’t stress, pearls and fancy wear is not required. Jeans and a t-shirt works just fine.
They show respect while the National Anthem is playing.
An important way to show honor and respect. Gum chewing, talking, or smoking during the National Anthem is best avoided.
When their service members are in uniform, they save the kissy-kissy for later.
Unfortunately, as attractive as your service member looks in his uniform, PDA is prohibited. There are definitely situations when it is overlooked and very conservative hand-holding or a kiss is okay. But for the most part, it’s best to refrain in public. In private is a whole different story.
They don’t try on a service member’s uniform, take a picture just for funsies and post in on Facebook.
This sounds like a fun idea. Well, at least it does to me. But this is considered highly disrespectful to do this. Truth: No one should wear the service member’s uniform except for the man or woman who earned it.
They save the service member’s PT gear for the service member only.
Yes, you have to wear your own clothes to the gym.
They know to walk on the left side while he’s in uniform.
This leaves the right side available for him to salute if needed, and just good practice overall.
They stop for colors and the raising / retiring of the flag.
So, so important. If you hear colors or see the raising or retiring of the flag, politely stop and face the flag with your hand over your heart. This also includes if you are driving in your vehicle.
They avoid conversing about politics, sex and religion at special events.
Well, this is just a good rule in military life and everywhere else.
They know the “No walk and talk rule” for service members in uniform.
Service members are not supposed to walk and talk on a cell phone or walk and eat or drink while in uniform. This is good to know if you are ever wondering why your spouse won’t answer his phone. Personally, this hasn’t come up too much. Usually when a service member is in uniform, they are sitting down to eat and drink anyway. Car eating is considered okay at some installations.
They learn to recognize ranks and the proper way to address them.
This is on an as needed basis. There are a lot of variations between the different branches, so my best advice is simply to ask your service member about this one.
They RSVP to formal invites and write thank you notes.
This is just common sense. Hopefully.
Want more on military life?
- How to Talk to Your Service Member Post Deployment
- The Real Reason Being a Military Wife is So Hard
- 31 Best Military Wife Quotes for Encouragement
- 43 Awesome Tips Every New Military Wife Needs to Know
What’s your best etiquette rule for milspouses? Let’s chat in the comments!
Jennifer
Some of this is great … However , wearing your gym clothing to the bx or commissary is fine. I don’t know what base you’re at . Here at Robins we wear what ever we dang well please! I’m not out to impress anyone or be fake! My husbands career is doing just fine . I’d say that is pretty much how the majority of spouses I know are. We are not the stepford wives .
Lisa
I’ve been employed by, in and a dependent of the Navy since 1984. Although my husband retired in ’06, we just returned Stateside from living on a US Base two years ago. In the DC area (Fts Meade, Detrick and Belvoir, Bethesda Naval and Navy Yard, Andrews AFB and Quantico), the Naval Bases in Tidewater, VA (Portsmouth, Norfolk, Little Creek and the one in VA BCH), Jacksonville Naval Base, San Diego & Miramar in CA, all of the various Bases on Okinawa (Japan) and GTMO ALL have posted that those entering must wear proper attire and prohibiting PT gear or tank tops – without exception. Perhaps you go to a Base with a looser requirement, but you should be aware that that could and likely will change with a change in Exchange management or a new Base Commander. Also, you may THINK your spouses career is doing just fine, but may not be aware of where it could be. Unless you are a total embarrassment to the military (and I did see an officer once told that his choice of wife made his intention to stay in untenable), you will likely have no idea whether he has been held back or denied plum assignments.
Amy
You may wear what “you dang well please” but it is does not mean it is right. No one but your husband should know what your body actually looks like and lycra tells the whole story!. I am in corporate America and a military spouse. I would not expect my Husband to show up at my office in PT clothes nor would he expect me to do so on his post unless I am heading to the gym. Really ladies, this is not your decision………if you have a shred of class you will support your hubby and dress appropriately. Stop acting like dependents and start acting like leaders!
Ashley Stephens
While i thoroughly agree with the rest of the etiquette, I feel that the “rules” about gym clothes and how to dress glorifies the culture of judgement within the military community. It is honestly very immature and rude – we’re supposed to be one unified family because we are all going through very similar things – we don’t need to have this high school clique mentality – like “oh my husband is higher rank”. I wear what I want and if you want to judge me for it, then looking petty is on you. Mind yours.
Lisa
You are also supposed to follow posted rules. They apply to all, not just the military members.
It is not ‘immature and rude’, it is real life. It has nothing to do with rank – spouses who are ‘on board’ with their junior enlisted spouses’ career are aware of the image they are projecting as a military spouse (male or female; only fifteen per cent of Sailors are female, but that means that there are many Navy husbands also). I don’t know where the real cut-offs are in the other services, but when Chief Boards meet, there is someone in the room who knows what image the candidate’s spouse projects. It’s not a clique, it’s respect for the community. The same goes in the corporate world.
Lizann
Great list, and yes, those are all true. I would add one more: flip flops are not ok, but sandals are. I have literally been turned away from base offices for wearing flip flops, even with jeans and otherwise acceptable clothing! Yet sandals are fine.
I know lots of people go to the Commissary in yoga pants or gym clothes. My husband can’t stand it, because it is technically against the rules. He inuts I change into real clothes, even if I am going straight FROM THE GYM to the Comissary! And I do, because it is important to him and my behavior reflects on him.
Lauren Tamm
Agree 100%
Cindy
I understand that people like wearing their comfy clothes while running errands, but the point of the statement is how it reflects on your service member to be out in public on the base in what is usually inappropriate or shabby clothing. My husband always makes it a point to change out of his basketball shorts if he is coming on the base for anything. That’s why we live off base, we can go out to run errands in whatever we’d like as long as we aren’t going to the base. It’s simply a matter of being respectful to the establishment and wanting to look nice in case you see someone that your spouse knows. And a flowy maxi skirt is just as comfy as a pair of yoga pants but looks like you put in a lot more effort. A decent shirt and a maxi skirt with a pair of slip on shoes (or a decent shirt with a nice pair of shorts and a pair of slip on shoes if you’re a military husband) takes the same amount of effort to put on as a decent shirt with a pair of yoga pants and a pair of slip ons. It’s all about perception, and people’s perception of you can (and probably will) effect how people look at your spouse. It’s just the nature of the beast.
Lisa
BRAVA!
Marian
Nicely said.
Silvy
I love reading things like this, I’m a soon to be military wife (rank not important) and the thought of committing a faux-pas terrifies me. I know these communities are small and first impressions are sometimes permanent, I just want to do my best for my future husband and the rest of the family/community. I have to agree wholeheartedly about the workout clothes. I live in an area now with lots of wealthy wives and the “dress code” is in effect here as well, even with us civilians in Carmel/Pebble Beach. You never know who you’re going to run into. Brilliant article, and I will definitely be following this blog more closely as the months draw closer to my move onto base.
Lisa
Silvy, hopefully you already know some of the spouses of your fiancee’s coworkers. Don’t be afraid to ask them for advice. IF there is a Wive’s or Spouse’s Club, consider at least attending a couple of meetings after you are married. Some are great community groups, but I’ll warn you, some DO live up to the evil rep the y sometimes receive. If he’s an officer, talk to his direct supervisor’s wife (I don’t know what branch) and if he’s enlisted, you’ll want to do the same. We were Navy, and in that environment, I would recommend talking to his Chief’s wife (Chief is E-7), even if your guy is a junior officer. Don’t know if the other services have a rank that entails all a Chief does, but I would think a Marine Gunny does from my experience with them. If he’s higher than a O-2 or 3, then your beyond my areas of expertise.
Congrats on the marriage, and hold on, you are in for QUITE an adventure. You’ll be especially lucky if you get the chance to go overseas. If you EVER get a chance to go to GTMO (Guantanamo Bay), grab it with both hands. Admittedly, people either love it or hate it, but if you love it, it will steal a piece of your soul… and if you hate it, it’s only 30 months, and your next posting can’t be any worse!
Lauren Tamm
Thank you!
Jade
Thank you so much for this article. I’m (quite) new to the ‘military life’. My husband is an officer and I am absolutely terrified of ‘official meetings’ and doing something wrong. I come from a foreign enlisted military family, so I know some etiquettes, just not all, and we do actually have different ones which can be very confusing. Especially official dinners make me feel very uncomfortable.
I know it’s hard for him to always ‘babysit’ me and explain all the details. For him it just comes natural and who has time for that anyways. To mingle with other spouses really can help and also took away a bit of my fear (familiar faces to talk to and sit next to always takes away some of the stress at official meetings, balls, etc.). But I still have a long way to go until I really feel comfortable.
And to the ones who know the rules: tell the others! How can we learn it if no one tells us? I know it can be hard. But just jump into it and go: ‘Hey, I don’t mean to be rude or offensive but I noticed you wearing x/doing y and just wanted to inform you that it is against the rules/not considered ok/… to wear/do that’, and then give them a friendly smile. We have enough stress in our lifes, so helping each other out should also include being open and honest with each other.
Kimberly
Would it be okay to wear jeans and an anime T-shirt on base?
Lauren Tamm
Probably 🙂
Angie
Thank you for a straight forward, common sense guide.
A.N. Taylor
Proud Navy veteran, Marine wife and Navy mom (x2)
Lauren Tamm
You are so welcome!
Jen
I am so glad i found this article. My husband just enlisted. Although it will be a little while before we are on a base, i want to make sure i have all of my ducks in a row, so to speak. I do not want to do anything to make my husband look bad.
Cheyenne
This is an off topic question but I could really use some information since I will soon be new to this life style. My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years, he is joining the Marine’s and we want to get married before he leaves. I am still in college until summer of 2018, we don’t have a Marine’s base near home…what happens to me and our marriage when he is stationed else where?
Leann
Unless you want to switch to online school and follow him, chances are you’ll be long distance until you graduate! Don’t worry too much, as a military wife you’ll probably have to experience deployments and other temporary separations depending on his mos. We’re strong ladies! My husband has been a marine for 10 years, we’ve been together for 6 years but only married for 3. We had 3 years of long distance/deployment before we got married, and it still worked out fine! You just have to be strong, supportive and faithful. It’s absolutely doable.
USN ,RETIRED
I find all this on How Military wives should act very humorous Having served 30 years two wars, and Five kids. . But times have changed in the Military for sure as in my career in the Navy My wife action or having a wife was not part of the Navy operational Guide lines. When I enlisted on E-5 was recommended to be married and with Chaplin’s and CO approval in order to obtain an allotment. Many times I was told by senior officers and Chaplin that If not Issued in my sea bag then she is ant required. Also when my kids was born I was told that just cause you were laying the keel don’t require you being at the launching so stay on duty.As for how to address a sailor, In my day it was never petty officer Jones, But Just HEY YOU, JONES, Officer greeted each by first names, But never did enlisted. And the term BX is new as it was The Exchange or Gedunk. And I never called a E-8 senior Chief or a E-9 Master Chief, Always just Chief,, I also never saw Gold Stripes on any one until around early 1970’s, So all this protocol and Wives edequeit is the New Nerd Navy .lol . My wife and Kids new what there job was and never had to be trained, lol