MilSpouse LifeLast week my husband and I attended an annual military family mandatory fun party. This party included a meal, live entertainment, and of course, a bouncy house for the kids.
Secretly, I was dreading it.
As a military spouse, I should be more enthusiastic about these “family fun nights,” but often times we get there, spend the entire time chasing after our two littles, and return home exhausted.
By the time we left the event, we accomplished 5 things:
- A back ache from bouncing a crying baby.
- Two bites of a meal, while standing up.
- Sweating from chasing around a toddler.
- Socializing with almost no one.
- Driving home exhausted.
I was telling a friend about this ridiculous fiasco of attempting to enjoy a mandatory fun party, and that’s when I told her the one thing I’d been holding back…
I’m terrible at being a military spouse.
I don’t volunteer as much as I should with the Family Readiness Group. I don’t bake cookies, organize social luncheons, or run the summer beach bash among the spouses.
I confess there are many times when I roll my eyes at a mandatory fun event on the schedule. I don’t organize mommy workouts or spouses’ coffees.
I can’t memorize military acronyms to save my life. I even forget the ranks of service members I meet.
When my service member tells me a “work story” I struggle to follow along. I’m not always understanding and patient when the military makes big decisions for our family (like moving overseas).
I struggle with resentment during deployment, and I struggle with adjusting when he returns home. I struggle with preparing the perfect homecoming and all of it overwhelms me and I end up doing nothing at all.
I am the spouse who misses her service member’s phone call from time to time because her phone was on silent. I am the spouse who forgets the print off the PCS checklist until a week before the move.
I am the spouse who can’t find the power of attorney in the moment it’s needed most.
I am the spouse who struggles to make military spouse friends with each duty station move. I am the spouse who doesn’t have her career figured out.
I am the spouse who never knows what to wear to a military ball.
I am the spouse oblivious to the military discounts and special programs available. I am the spouse who is terrible at being a military spouse.
I’m not an expert.
I am not seasoned or advanced.
I am simply a regular spouse, who enjoys Netflix, yoga pants and wine. I like hanging out with my friends—military spouse and civilian spouses alike.
I like to travel and try new things. I love seeing people smile each day. And I have a tendency to drink way too much coffee in the morning.
I like (okay…LOVE) Target. Facebook and Pinterest take up more of my day than I care to admit.
I appreciate a good cry from time to time. I even keep my mom on speed dial and I’m not ashamed to say it.
Most of my outfits are just some combination of jeans and a t-shirt. And I see going to the gym as an excellent excuse to wear my comfy gym clothes all day long.
I am independent, strong-willed and laid-back all in the same breath. I love and adore my service member more than anyone will ever know.
I am a regular, everyday spouse who just happened to become a military spouse.
I am not an expert.
I am not season or advanced.
I am simply a military spouse finding her way.
Want more on military life?
- The Real Reason Being a Military Wife is So Hard
- 3 Telltale Signs You’re Friends With an Awesome Military Spouse
- I Married “Old” in Military Life and I’m So Glad I Waited
- 10 Things Military Spouses Won’t Tell You About Deployment
This is so me…in every single way. I feel like a terrible military wife. Although a wonderful wife to my husband, I just don’t always “get” the military side of things. I’m not a big fan of the socials and events, and I’m terrible at volunteering. But, I’m the kind of wife my husband needs, and that’s what really matters.
Yes, so true. I love that…”I’m the kind of wife my husband needs, and that’s what really matters.” I feel exactly the same way.
Could be worse, your husband could leave you at home while he attends the event all day
My husband never invites me to mandatory fun days or even the balls. If I want to go, I go stag. I’d rather not even be involved with the “fun” events they throw and do my own thing anyway. There are plenty of other spouses that fit the bill and I am happier embracing the person I am instead of trying to fit into a cookie cutter expectation. Do you
I love what you have written and feel exactly the same. Living life my way no tittle or popularity contest needed ?
Enjoy reading your page
Thank you so much! I’m glad I’m not alone 🙂
Thank you for reading!
I love this! Honest and funny! Because in reality we are spouses who happened to be married to service members! Just be the spouse your hubby needs and enjoy t g e adventure #
Yes! Exactly!
I stumbled upon this blog from Pinterest and after reading almost EVERYTHING here I have to say that I love everything written! Your honesty is beautiful and amazing and refreshing! Thank you for this! Always nice to hear someone tell it life it really is! Being a military spouse can suck and its wonderful to hear someone express the frustration that can come along with it! 🙂
Thank you for reading and leaving such an encouraging comment!
Lauren it’s like you took the words out of my mouth and eloquently pieced them together. I LOVE this article! I think so many of us military spouses feel this way but have a difficult time openly admitting it.
I also… frequently do a countdown until the military is out of our lives (retirement day!)… *gasp!* Lol!
We just all need to remember if we are being the best spouse possible… then we are AMAZING military spouses because not only is it difficult to be married sometimes, but we also get the extra “challenge” and “adventure” of military life! Thank you for sharing Lauren! Merry Christmas to you and your family!!
So great to hear from you Nichole. Merry Christmas to your family as well!
I feel like this often. I’m extremely career driven, and when we moved overseas I became extremely depressed. Very few women I’ve befriended understand my desire to exist as a person outside of the military marriage. Thankfully my husband understands that I’m a horrible military wife and we are working on getting me back stateside while he finishes up over here. It’s nice to see someone else feeling the way I do about things. I love this entry and can’t wait to share it with some of my friends who feel the exact same way!!! Thanks for writing it!
You are so welcome! Thank you for leaving such an encouraging comment.
I love this.
I’m not that spouse either. But my big secret? I don’t WANT to be that spouse! I don’t want to volunteer, do FRG stuff, unit stuff, etc. I want to hang out in my own house, with my husband, kids, and dog, and do my own thing. So I do.
We don’t live on base, I haven’t been to an FRG meeting in 5 years, I finally know how to find his work place without getting lost. And it’s OK. I have my friends, I have my church, I have my work, and I’m happy. Being that spouse would make me unhappy. I’m glad there are those spouses for those who need them or those who want to be them. But it’s not for me.
Yes!!
Eh. Different strokes for different folks. I do know we would have been seriously SOL if I had been a “terrible military spouse” when my husband came home from deployment a week before our house hold goods were picked up for our PCS. Same can be said when he was TDY when our shipment came in. I’m often the only spouse who bakes something for a shop BBQ. I volunteer because I like sharing my knowledge.
I agree to each her own, but thank God for you and those like you who do volunteer and participate in activities. Unless you have been in a unit where something has gone really wrong you have no idea how hard it is when you have spouses who have not bothered to keep the unit together. The service members NEED families to keep at least a minimum connection to the unit and each other. You may think it is your choice to do whatever you please, but when you choose a military life at least consider the lives of others. You don’t have to be out there doing it all, which some do enjoy. But respect your spouse’s job and what he or she is giving to our country and learn about what they do and what they love. Honor their sacrifice with at least a bit of interest in them. Connect a little with others so that when the unthinkable happens, the person it happens to wont be alone. I do applaud the author’s spirit and independence but after 31 years I have seen too many times where tragedy has turned to rally because families knew they could count on each other. And I worry for the young families now who are more interested in themselves than the welfare of our service members and families. You don’t have to be super-spouse. I have dreaded those events too. But disinterested and disconnected isn’t the answer either.
I absolutely love what you’ve written! Oh my gosh, 30+ years as a military spouse and I STILL feel this way!! Thank you for putting into words what so many of us really feel!! Don’t change 🙂
You are too kind! Thanks for being amazing and offering some encouragement!
You are the spouse that I have been looking to befriend in the past 17 years. I enjoyed your article, it was breath of fresh air; keep being yourself and sticking to what matters to you and your family.
Thanks for your encouragement!
I can relate to a lot of this. While I’ve learned a great deal about military culture, and keeping critical paperwork organized, there are plenty of other things that I don’t do. In fact, not only do I not do them, but I have no interest in learning or putting forth the effort to start. Being part of an FRG or attending MFF events – esp with kids – is just not on my radar.
I hit many of these markers on the list. I suck at PCSing, my soldier ends up doing pretty much everything lol. I’m awful at remembering acronyms and I couldn’t tell you another soldier’s rank to save my life. (nor do I really care) None of my degrees are very portable, I usually just end up waiting tables when we go somewhere new. I talk to my mom all the time, no matter how big the time difference. I let my kid run around in his diaper unless we are going out, and I’ll sleep til 10 right with him (my 1 yr old is not a morning person lol) Sometimes I spike my tea in the morning. My house is NEVER spotless (except for the 10 minutes right after the cleaning lady leaves) And you know what, I’m good with that. My husband’s career does not define me – it does not dictate whom I befriend or make me want to compete with others. It doesn’t change the fact that I’m loud, messy, and a little crazy, or that I consider wine a fruit. Keep your head up ladies, the only way you can suck at being a milspouse is if you let it dictate who you are.
I’m not much different.
Hi Lauren, I loved your post! I can totally relate with how you feel, but I disagree with your conclusion! I think, after 10 years of this “military spouse” life, the most important part of being a terrific military spouse is being REAL! With little ones to chase you’re at a crazy busy time in your family life and that makes outings hard for you. It makes it so hard to want to dig deep and make the effort to go. (My youngest is now 4 but I have 6 kids and have spent a decade struggling to wrangle my kids to and through “fun family events” only to drag my exhausted self home on the verge of tears wondering why on earth I even bother!) I don’t remember most of the acronyms, have never been to a military ball (hubby hates going to military social functions) and I still feel like I’m stumbling through this life one day at a time by the skin of my teeth. Most of us (moms) feel like failures whether military or not because there’s so much pressure these days to “perform” and be “pinterest perfect”. Most of the women I know just want friends they can be real with! GREAT job being a terrific military spouse that others can relate to!
Thanks for such an encouraging comment, Tammy!
I love this post! This is me, and feel so bad when my husband comes home and all the other wives have the great homecoming signs and I’m just like “Here’s your kids!” It makes me feel better that I’m not the only wife out there who just happens to be married to a navy man!
Haha. Yep, that’s me as well! “Here’s your kids!”…I love that!
While I was lying awake on the couch with my 2 1/2 year old who is constantly asking for “daddy” and who doesn’t understand deployment… this article reminded me that I am normal. That while I support my husband and our military life, I have so many things to worry about. I am not a “normal” military wife and in fact had this conversation with another wife whom couldn’t believe I wasn’t going to make a homecoming sign for my kids to hold. Ha! I’ll be lucky to be there on time and not dripping in sweat and/or snot when he gets there. Thank you. Thank you, Lauren for saying what so many of us ladies keep to ourselves.
You are so welcome! Thank you so much for leaving such an encouraging comment! I don’t think I’ve ever made a homecoming sign…yikes!
Thank you so much! I go to so many events and these wives are seem so proper and do everything perfect and know every detail of the event and everyone there. They are appear to be such perfect little wives, while I feel like dead weight and sometimes inappropriate. I am glad to hear someone else is like me.
Although I can completely see where certain individuals find this to be their appealing outcome for being a military spouse, some appreciate being helpful and supportive of not just their service member but if the squadron morale as well.
It is difficult to see young, single airmen who have undergone a tragedy of a lost mate and say “I’m not the spouse who will check on him.” or “I don’t have the time, energy or want to pick up a tearful mother at the airport because her 18 year old was in vehicular accident 1800 miles away.”
It is the volunteers who try their hardest to keep the squadron or unit from imploding on itself under the constant pressure of “The Mission”. The late night cupcakes, or checking in on the Spouse who had her baby alone while he was deployed…but now she is under major stress because she has no help and signs of PPD are visible.
I hope when it comes time, the perfect Terrible Spouse Bubble you live in will be enough to help you out of a horrible situation.
I am the spouse that is a complete individual. All will attest to my very rare marriage. But I know in my heart that I do what I do…because no one else cares anymore. Not until they need to be consoled, assisted, or worse…
Erica, while I’m sure many will attest to your very rare marriage, I don’t agree that “no one else cares anymore.” In fact it’s quite the opposite. For the past 22 years, over the course of (what I like to think of as) my own “very rare” marriage, I’ve seen the military community come together in ways I couldn’t have imagined. Part of it is the increasing deployments we all must endure, and part of it is the permission we give each other to be “less-than-perfect” military spouses. There’s more room for those of us who choose a nontraditional path. Not everyone can, or wants to, bake a cupcake. Not everyone goes in for the formal FRG stuff. But don’t be so myopic to interpret that as not caring. If and when Lauren finds herself in trouble, she won’t need to depend on her Terrible Spouse Bubble to get her through. She’ll have the rest of us terrible spouses to help her. Those of us with crappy marriages, the ones who can’t bake, and who aren’t destined for sainthood….we’ll all pitch in to help. Because we do care.
I am an FRG leader and something I worry about is that spouses are there (unit parties, meetings, etc) that don’t want to be. I assure you, nothing for a spouse is ever mandatory! I would rather you be home and happy than at the party and miserable. I wonder how many of my unit spouses talk about me like this…like I must obviously not have my own life. I just simply enjoy helping people, that’s all. Perhaps it is because I am also a veteran (many FRG leaders are) so I still am looking for that military connection. I assure you it’s okay that you don’t come to any unit stuff. But please know we are here anyway, just in case you do want that spouse coffee and a shoulder to cry on.
My heart goes out to you because your experiences and your feelings are 100% normal! Everything you write are things I felt twenty years ago, ands stool feel today (tho my daughter is now in college). What you’re describing is having the grace and humility to give yourself permission to be a human being, instead of some robotic military super-wife, like the public expects us to be. Twenty years ago I felt like I was a terrible military wife, and I hated the balls and the mandatory fun days and FRGs; yet we’re still going strong and about to PCS to Germany (again). I’ve come to love this life (sans deployments) and wouldn’t change it for the world.
Oh Lauren, this is so heartfelt and honest, as usual! Thanks for a great article!
I have conflicted feelings about it, though. Sometimes I feel like you, just wanting to live my own life and not be involved with the unit, and not let my husband’s job take over my family.
Other times, I realize that we are all in this together and we need to help each other out. I have had so many amazing military spouses help me out during deployments and having babies, so now I want to give back a little and help others. I am a seasoned spouse. I don’t know how/when it happened, but it is part of who I am now. In fact, I made it the name of my blog, SeasonedSpouse.com. So yes, I make a meal for new moms, because I know how much that meant to me. I pay attention when my husband talks about work, I try to remember everyone’s name and rank and title (XO? CO?) and I try to attend unit events, with the kids in tow. I do that to support him, because I love him. He isn’t doing this job on his own. We are in it together as a family. So I want to do my part, however I can with 4 little ones at home.
I think the important thing here is to find what you do well, and focus on doing THAT. If you are good at baking, great! If you actually like making care packages and Homecoming signs, go ahead! But don’t force yourself to be someone you are not. We can’t all be bakers and FRG volunteers. But we also can’t all stay home, drink coffee and wine, and spend the whole day on Facebook and Pinterest. I found that I am good at writing, so I have been writing blog posts, articles, an eBook, and even a paperback book to help military families. Now that I hve the experience and wisdom, I might as well share it. It doesn’t make me perfect or anything like that. It just means I have found 1 thing I am good at, and I am trying to use it to help other military spouses around me. I don’t think that makes me an amazing military spouse, but I guess it doesn’t make me a terrible one either. And I’m ok with that. 🙂
I feel like I’m a pretty clueless and bad military spouse too most of the time – it is so different being a Guard wife and not being “in it” all the time. Really loved this post 🙂
This is so beautifully written. Thank you for letting us know that we are not alone
Thank you! I so needed to read this. I have felt like such a horrible military spouse. I don’t speak the language what so ever, I feel like the rebel outsider at these family events. I will be moving across country in a few days, and we will be living on base. Unfortunately it was our only option with the time crunch we are under. I am seriously dreading being around the spouse’s that speak, breath and bleed military life. I’m just so happy I’m not alone!!!
This is me! We..I Say we, but HE retired two years ago and it’s been a HUGE struggle for me to make friends. I put myself out there and nobody really gets me. All of the friends I have are from the military and they are in other states. My husband gets so frustrated with me because I don’t greet the new next door neighbors with a casserole. I wave from afar. lol. If anyone remembers Desperate housewives ….you will understand half of the military bases I have lived on and WHY I do not want to talk to the neighbors (less to testify about). I struggle figuring out what I do for a career. I went back to school, got a degree, got a job only to quit for so many reasons.
Thank you for your articles! My boyfriend of almost 6 years has just applied for the Canadian Forces and I have been really struggling with the idea that he might be gone a couple months from now. Until recently I have known nothing about the military or being an s.o. in that world. I’m trying to prepare myself for it, but I can’t really find an answer to how much time you will spend apart. I know basic training here is about 8 weeks, but after that once he is trained will I be able to see him?
Help! Newly married and I get so angry when he deploys or goes tdy. He is going out tonight with work guys to shoot pool while I mow the yard. I feel very alone and jealous that he keeps getting away while I’m stuck at home working.