MilSpouse LifeIt had been 6 years.
6 years of a committed relationship filled with love and happiness.
6 years of us growing up from teenagers to young adults.
6 years of a relationship most thought was destined for marriage.
And today that relationship was ending.
I remember standing inside the garage of the apartment my boyfriend and I shared together. As I stood inside the back of the garage, he stood at the garage door opening. With his hand on the rope of the old-fashioned pull down garage door, our eyes met.
And then he said the words that started the non-stop stream of tears…
“Goodbye my forever love”
Those were our parting words.
Gulp.
With tears streaming down my face, all I could muster was a whispered “goodbye” in response.
I stood there crying as he pulled that old rickety garage door down to the concrete driveway. It was the last time I ever saw the first boy I ever loved.
That was the beginning.
As my relationship with my high school boyfriend ended at age 24, a new chapter in my life was just beginning. I didn’t know it yet, but in less than a year I would meet my future husband–an active duty Marine.
In military life standards, it was unconventional at best.
It’s a common theme among military couples to marry young, not “old.” In fact, many military couples marry as young as 18, 19 and 20 years old.
My husband and I were different though…
By the time we started dating, we were 25. By the time we married, we were 28 years old. Basically, we were ancient when we finally tied the knot. Compared to our military life friends, who touted years of marriage under their belts, my husband and I were newlyweds. And while others in the military community sent their kids off to grade school, my husband and I were childless.
We were still navigating the waters of new marriage…
Toilet seat up or down.
Setting up finances.
Taking out the garbage.
Making the bed.
Figuring out which brand of chips to buy.
We were so behind the times, fumbling along, trying to figure marriage out when seemingly everyone else in the community had it all down pat. But there is one thing I know for sure: Waiting to marry was the best decision of my life.
Why I didn’t marry young.
Marrying young takes a lot of commitment and responsibility to take the leap, and I commend anyone for doing so. Mainly because I would’ve failed miserably at young marriage.
During a time when most couples in the military community were getting hitched, I was far too busy sewing my oats, going to college, traveling the U.S. and abroad, and embracing random late-night bar shenanigans in the Midwest. I was selfish, driven, and very focused on one thing–me.
The ideas of lifetime commitment and baby-making were far off my radar. Looking back now, it’s so easy to see how young marriage wasn’t for me. I was more interested in living the life I wanted than living a life with someone else.
I’m so glad I waited.
There were so many things about marrying later that made military life better for us. I was already finished with school and was enjoying a full-blown nursing career.
We both had our own money and could afford to do what we wanted.
We both loved and lost and maintained a better idea of what we really desired in a lifelong partner.
And most importantly, we both had a way better idea of who we were as individuals.
Military life is kinda tricky sometimes…
Deployment, homecoming, PCSing, living far from family and so much more—all of those things are a bit heavy sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, it’s all manageable, but it can also feel very overwhelming and stressful.
My 21-year-old-self would’ve failed miserably at handling these challenges. Heck, I’m 31 and I still don’t really know what I’m doing.
Do you ever really know?
But I have a far better sense of pushing through challenges and seeking real solutions than I did in my early 20s.
Another 6 years later.
It’s been over 6 years since that old rickety garage door closed and I said goodbye to my first love. You might be wondering what ever happened to him, and the truth is that I don’t know. I closed that chapter the moment the garage door hit the concrete and I moved in only one direction–forward.
6 months later, I met my future husband at a summer wedding in the Midwest. Donned in a nicely fitted black suit, he was tall, dark, and handsome. So cliche, yet so true. We clicked instantly.
He was active duty; I was a nurse working for the Veterans Administration. Our passion for veterans and patriotism brought common ground to the conversation, and that was the beginning of our journey together.
You might be surprised to learn he deployed soon thereafter and over the course of 7 months, we wrote email after email after email, spending time growing a friendship. Upon his return to the states, we started dating and eventually married several years later in our own summer Midwest wedding. That’s the shortest version of how things really happened.
What’s important is that these past 6 years with my husband have been nothing short of adventure every step of the way. Filled with the ups and downs of military life, I’m sure you can imagine the unique challenges we’ve overcome throughout the past several years.
Thankfully, I’m a different woman today than I was back in my early 20s. I’m more committed, responsible, financially stable, balanced, and selfless than I was a decade ago. I’m a better military wife today than I ever could have been in my early 20s.
I’m so glad I waited to marry “old” in military life. I’m ready for it now. I’m ready for the long haul.
Thanks for sharing this! We married ‘old’ too by military standards– at age 25. We met at age 18, but dated for an unbelievable 7 years while we navigated him joining the military, me going to college, his deployments, and duty stations across the country. Do we sometimes regret all the missed money we could have earned by marrying earlier? Not really. We weren’t ready to marry younger. Living on my own, having my first job, and developing our friendship across the miles and through the deployments helped shape each of us into our own person. It made us each stronger and more confident in ourselves, so that we were better able to love each other. I’m 34 now, and our youngest child is 2, so when I see the other military wives at preschool pickup I sometimes feel out of place. They are at least 10 years younger than me! Other wives my age and husband’s rank have teenagers. My oldest is only 8. So we’re in a strange in-between place in the military. But I’m also really proud of the depth of our friendship, the strength of our marriage, and our financial stability, too. It’s good to know I’m not alone!
Wow…7 years of dating. That’s amazing. You know waiting to get married is much cheaper than divorce. My husband and I were not ready either. I am 32 now and our youngest is 7 mos and our oldest is almost 3. Our life timelines sound very similar. I am proud of the friendship my husband and I as well. Cheers to you friend!
I feel like I just read my own story and it makes me feel better knowing that I am not alone. I had the same split from a boyfriend of 6 years when I was 22 and just beginning nursing school. Right after I met my now husband who at the time was 28. We were 26 and 32 when we got married after four years of long distance due to him being in the navy. I am now 28 and he is 34, we are getting ready for his first deployment as a married couple. He is used to deployment since he has already been in almost 17 years, but this is my first one as a military spouse and it has me so uneasy that I have been on your page for the last hour reading every post I find. I just wanted to thank you!
Hi Lauren,
I am just about to graduate from nursing school and am so excited! I can’t wait to start my new job, work for a few years, and then maybe go back to school to become a nurse practitioner. My boyfriend has always pushed me to challenge myself and pursue my dreams. He’s even encouraged me to go onto grad school. However, he also wants to be a pilot in the Air Force, and thinks it’s “no big deal” for me to come along for the ride since a nurse can work anywhere, right?! Oh boy.
He hasn’t commissioned yet so I haven’t experienced any of the joys of military life yet. But already I’m trying to figure out how I can be with him and be there for him, without totally sabotaging my career and aspirations. Do you have any advice for a new nurse? Especially one who will potentially need to change hospitals frequently? Do you know anything about working at on-base hospitals as a civilian?
I’d appreciate any insight you might have!!
Emma