MilSpouse LifeLast week my husband and I attended an annual military familyĀ mandatory funĀ party. This party included a meal, live entertainment, and of course, a bouncy house for the kids.
Secretly, I was dreading it.
As a military spouse, I should be more enthusiastic about these āfamily fun nights,ā but often times we get there, spend the entire time chasing after our two littles, and return home exhausted.
By the time we left the event, we accomplished 5 things:
- A back ache from bouncing a crying baby.
- Two bites of a meal, while standing up.
- Sweating from chasing around a toddler.
- Socializing with almost no one.
- Driving home exhausted.
I was telling a friend about this ridiculous fiasco of attempting to enjoy a mandatory funĀ party, and thatās when I told her the one thing Iād been holding backā¦
Iām terrible at being a military spouse.
I donāt volunteer as much as I should with the Family Readiness Group. I donāt bake cookies,Ā organize socialĀ luncheons, orĀ runĀ theĀ summer beach bashĀ among the spouses.
I confess there are many times when I roll my eyes at a mandatory fun event on the schedule. I donāt organize mommy workouts or spouses’ coffees.
I canāt memorize military acronyms to save my life. I even forget the ranks of service members I meet.
When my service member tells me a āwork storyā I struggle to follow along. Iām not always understanding and patient when the military makes big decisions for our family (like moving overseas).
I struggle with resentment during deployment, and I struggle with adjusting when he returns home. I struggle with preparing the perfect homecoming and all of it overwhelms me and I end up doing nothing at all.
I am the spouse who misses her service memberās phone call from time to time because her phone was on silent. I am the spouse who forgets the print off the PCS checklist until a week before the move.
I am the spouse who canāt find the power of attorney in the moment itās needed most.
I am the spouse who struggles to make military spouse friends with each duty station move. I am the spouse who doesnāt have her career figured out.
I am the spouse who never knows what to wear to a military ball.
I am the spouse oblivious to the military discounts and special programs available. I am the spouse who is terrible at being a military spouse.
Iām not an expert.
I am not seasoned or advanced.
I am simply a regular spouse, who enjoys Netflix, yoga pants and wine. I like hanging out with my friendsāmilitary spouse and civilian spouses alike.
I like to travel and try new things. I love seeing people smile each day. And I have a tendency to drink way too much coffee in the morning.
I like (okayā¦LOVE) Target. Facebook and Pinterest take up more of my day than I care to admit.
I appreciate a good cry from time to time. I even keep my mom on speed dial and Iām not ashamed to say it.
Most of my outfits are just some combination of jeans and a t-shirt. And I see going to the gym as an excellent excuse to wear my comfy gym clothes all day long.
I am independent, strong-willed and laid-back all in the same breath. I love and adore my service member more than anyone will ever know.
I am a regular, everyday spouse who just happened to become a military spouse.
I am not an expert.
I am not season or advanced.
I am simply a military spouse finding her way.
Oh Lauren, this is so heartfelt and honest, as usual! Thanks for a great article!
I have conflicted feelings about it, though. Sometimes I feel like you, just wanting to live my own life and not be involved with the unit, and not let my husband’s job take over my family.
Other times, I realize that we are all in this together and we need to help each other out. I have had so many amazing military spouses help me out during deployments and having babies, so now I want to give back a little and help others. I am a seasoned spouse. I don’t know how/when it happened, but it is part of who I am now. In fact, I made it the name of my blog, SeasonedSpouse.com. So yes, I make a meal for new moms, because I know how much that meant to me. I pay attention when my husband talks about work, I try to remember everyone’s name and rank and title (XO? CO?) and I try to attend unit events, with the kids in tow. I do that to support him, because I love him. He isn’t doing this job on his own. We are in it together as a family. So I want to do my part, however I can with 4 little ones at home.
I think the important thing here is to find what you do well, and focus on doing THAT. If you are good at baking, great! If you actually like making care packages and Homecoming signs, go ahead! But don’t force yourself to be someone you are not. We can’t all be bakers and FRG volunteers. But we also can’t all stay home, drink coffee and wine, and spend the whole day on Facebook and Pinterest. I found that I am good at writing, so I have been writing blog posts, articles, an eBook, and even a paperback book to help military families. Now that I hve the experience and wisdom, I might as well share it. It doesn’t make me perfect or anything like that. It just means I have found 1 thing I am good at, and I am trying to use it to help other military spouses around me. I don’t think that makes me an amazing military spouse, but I guess it doesn’t make me a terrible one either. And I’m ok with that. š
I feel like I’m a pretty clueless and bad military spouse too most of the time – it is so different being a Guard wife and not being “in it” all the time. Really loved this post š
This is so beautifully written. Thank you for letting us know that we are not alone
Thank you! I so needed to read this. I have felt like such a horrible military spouse. I don’t speak the language what so ever, I feel like the rebel outsider at these family events. I will be moving across country in a few days, and we will be living on base. Unfortunately it was our only option with the time crunch we are under. I am seriously dreading being around the spouse’s that speak, breath and bleed military life. I’m just so happy I’m not alone!!!
This is me! We..I Say we, but HE retired two years ago and it’s been a HUGE struggle for me to make friends. I put myself out there and nobody really gets me. All of the friends I have are from the military and they are in other states. My husband gets so frustrated with me because I don’t greet the new next door neighbors with a casserole. I wave from afar. lol. If anyone remembers Desperate housewives ….you will understand half of the military bases I have lived on and WHY I do not want to talk to the neighbors (less to testify about). I struggle figuring out what I do for a career. I went back to school, got a degree, got a job only to quit for so many reasons.
Thank you for your articles! My boyfriend of almost 6 years has just applied for the Canadian Forces and I have been really struggling with the idea that he might be gone a couple months from now. Until recently I have known nothing about the military or being an s.o. in that world. Iām trying to prepare myself for it, but I canāt really find an answer to how much time you will spend apart. I know basic training here is about 8 weeks, but after that once he is trained will I be able to see him?
Help! Newly married and I get so angry when he deploys or goes tdy. He is going out tonight with work guys to shoot pool while I mow the yard. I feel very alone and jealous that he keeps getting away while Iām stuck at home working.
My boyfriend recently brought up that he might want to go into a combative military position, which would send him overseas. Iām a very emotionally and physically needy person, so I told him Iām not sure Iād be able to handle him being that far away for months on end multiple times. I wasnāt trying to imply that I would cheat if I found it too upsetting but I was saying that if it got to be too much for me after trying it Iād most likely have to end the relationship and not because I donāt love him, since I do love him so much. Now heās mad at me and being passive aggressive and says he just wonāt take any job military or not that requires any type of travel. I clarified that I can handle a few days even a couple weeks at a time but I canāt handle multiple months at a time. I feel awful. Am I a bad person for not thinking I could handle having a military spouse?
So just became a military girlfriend, which sounds awful to say. I despise any army and living apart is something we’ve had to do from time to time living in europe but didn’t think it’d be a lifetime thing full of sadness and the end of our week night cooking and hangout and I’m so heartbroken. I’ll never be able to live with him again cause I love living in cities and I tried living in a small town and I was do depressed the whole time. I miss us. This is so s*** it’s like being a slave for values I don’t share. I was also stranded away for nine months due to corona and we had only two weeks together before he left and now that’s it. It honestly feels as if he was imprisoned for life cause he wants to stay there forever he says. I am so depressed right now this can’t be life and I will never live in a small place near base, I want my own life but I wanted it with him not apart. I hate life right now I hate the military I hate everything. Such a ridiculous career.
Thank you so much for this! My husband has just joined. We havenāt even moved anywhere and I am already panicking. I feel like Iām going to be terrible at this and will fail. This gave me hope. Iām not alone.