Last week my husband and I attended an annual military family mandatory fun party. This party included a meal, live entertainment, and of course, a bouncy house for the kids.
Secretly, I was dreading it.
As a military spouse, I should be more enthusiastic about these “family fun nights,” but often times we get there, spend the entire time chasing after our two littles, and return home exhausted.
By the time we left the event, we accomplished 5 things:
- A back ache from bouncing a crying baby.
- Two bites of a meal, while standing up.
- Sweating from chasing around a toddler.
- Socializing with almost no one.
- Driving home exhausted.
I was telling a friend about this ridiculous fiasco of attempting to enjoy a mandatory fun party, and that’s when I told her the one thing I’d been holding back…
I’m terrible at being a military spouse.
I don’t volunteer as much as I should with the Family Readiness Group. I don’t bake cookies, organize social luncheons, or run the summer beach bash among the spouses.
I confess there are many times when I roll my eyes at a mandatory fun event on the schedule. I don’t organize mommy workouts or spouses’ coffees.
I can’t memorize military acronyms to save my life. I even forget the ranks of service members I meet.
When my service member tells me a “work story” I struggle to follow along. I’m not always understanding and patient when the military makes big decisions for our family (like moving overseas).
I struggle with resentment during deployment, and I struggle with adjusting when he returns home. I struggle with preparing the perfect homecoming and all of it overwhelms me and I end up doing nothing at all.
I am the spouse who misses her service member’s phone call from time to time because her phone was on silent. I am the spouse who forgets the print off the PCS checklist until a week before the move.
I am the spouse who can’t find the power of attorney in the moment it’s needed most.
I am the spouse who struggles to make military spouse friends with each duty station move. I am the spouse who doesn’t have her career figured out.
I am the spouse who never knows what to wear to a military ball.
I am the spouse oblivious to the military discounts and special programs available. I am the spouse who is terrible at being a military spouse.
I’m not an expert.
I am not seasoned or advanced.
I am simply a regular spouse, who enjoys Netflix, yoga pants and wine. I like hanging out with my friends—military spouse and civilian spouses alike.
I like to travel and try new things. I love seeing people smile each day. And I have a tendency to drink way too much coffee in the morning.
I like (okay…LOVE) Target. Facebook and Pinterest take up more of my day than I care to admit.
I appreciate a good cry from time to time. I even keep my mom on speed dial and I’m not ashamed to say it.
Most of my outfits are just some combination of jeans and a t-shirt. And I see going to the gym as an excellent excuse to wear my comfy gym clothes all day long.
I am independent, strong-willed and laid-back all in the same breath. I love and adore my service member more than anyone will ever know.
I am a regular, everyday spouse who just happened to become a military spouse.
I am not an expert.
I am not season or advanced.
I am simply a military spouse finding her way.
Want more on military life?
- The Real Reason Being a Military Wife is So Hard
- 3 Telltale Signs You’re Friends With an Awesome Military Spouse
- I Married “Old” in Military Life and I’m So Glad I Waited
- 10 Things Military Spouses Won’t Tell You About Deployment
E.J. Smith
I can relate to a lot of this. While I’ve learned a great deal about military culture, and keeping critical paperwork organized, there are plenty of other things that I don’t do. In fact, not only do I not do them, but I have no interest in learning or putting forth the effort to start. Being part of an FRG or attending MFF events – esp with kids – is just not on my radar.
Alice Crenshaw
I hit many of these markers on the list. I suck at PCSing, my soldier ends up doing pretty much everything lol. I’m awful at remembering acronyms and I couldn’t tell you another soldier’s rank to save my life. (nor do I really care) None of my degrees are very portable, I usually just end up waiting tables when we go somewhere new. I talk to my mom all the time, no matter how big the time difference. I let my kid run around in his diaper unless we are going out, and I’ll sleep til 10 right with him (my 1 yr old is not a morning person lol) Sometimes I spike my tea in the morning. My house is NEVER spotless (except for the 10 minutes right after the cleaning lady leaves) And you know what, I’m good with that. My husband’s career does not define me – it does not dictate whom I befriend or make me want to compete with others. It doesn’t change the fact that I’m loud, messy, and a little crazy, or that I consider wine a fruit. Keep your head up ladies, the only way you can suck at being a milspouse is if you let it dictate who you are.
Kristina Brunson
I’m not much different.
Tammy Barclay
Hi Lauren, I loved your post! I can totally relate with how you feel, but I disagree with your conclusion! I think, after 10 years of this “military spouse” life, the most important part of being a terrific military spouse is being REAL! With little ones to chase you’re at a crazy busy time in your family life and that makes outings hard for you. It makes it so hard to want to dig deep and make the effort to go. (My youngest is now 4 but I have 6 kids and have spent a decade struggling to wrangle my kids to and through “fun family events” only to drag my exhausted self home on the verge of tears wondering why on earth I even bother!) I don’t remember most of the acronyms, have never been to a military ball (hubby hates going to military social functions) and I still feel like I’m stumbling through this life one day at a time by the skin of my teeth. Most of us (moms) feel like failures whether military or not because there’s so much pressure these days to “perform” and be “pinterest perfect”. Most of the women I know just want friends they can be real with! GREAT job being a terrific military spouse that others can relate to!
Lauren Tamm
Thanks for such an encouraging comment, Tammy!
Sarah
I love this post! This is me, and feel so bad when my husband comes home and all the other wives have the great homecoming signs and I’m just like “Here’s your kids!” It makes me feel better that I’m not the only wife out there who just happens to be married to a navy man!
Lauren Tamm
Haha. Yep, that’s me as well! “Here’s your kids!”…I love that!
Kim
While I was lying awake on the couch with my 2 1/2 year old who is constantly asking for “daddy” and who doesn’t understand deployment… this article reminded me that I am normal. That while I support my husband and our military life, I have so many things to worry about. I am not a “normal” military wife and in fact had this conversation with another wife whom couldn’t believe I wasn’t going to make a homecoming sign for my kids to hold. Ha! I’ll be lucky to be there on time and not dripping in sweat and/or snot when he gets there. Thank you. Thank you, Lauren for saying what so many of us ladies keep to ourselves.
Lauren Tamm
You are so welcome! Thank you so much for leaving such an encouraging comment! I don’t think I’ve ever made a homecoming sign…yikes!
sara
Thank you so much! I go to so many events and these wives are seem so proper and do everything perfect and know every detail of the event and everyone there. They are appear to be such perfect little wives, while I feel like dead weight and sometimes inappropriate. I am glad to hear someone else is like me.
Erica
Although I can completely see where certain individuals find this to be their appealing outcome for being a military spouse, some appreciate being helpful and supportive of not just their service member but if the squadron morale as well.
It is difficult to see young, single airmen who have undergone a tragedy of a lost mate and say “I’m not the spouse who will check on him.” or “I don’t have the time, energy or want to pick up a tearful mother at the airport because her 18 year old was in vehicular accident 1800 miles away.”
It is the volunteers who try their hardest to keep the squadron or unit from imploding on itself under the constant pressure of “The Mission”. The late night cupcakes, or checking in on the Spouse who had her baby alone while he was deployed…but now she is under major stress because she has no help and signs of PPD are visible.
I hope when it comes time, the perfect Terrible Spouse Bubble you live in will be enough to help you out of a horrible situation.
I am the spouse that is a complete individual. All will attest to my very rare marriage. But I know in my heart that I do what I do…because no one else cares anymore. Not until they need to be consoled, assisted, or worse…
Kathy
Erica, while I’m sure many will attest to your very rare marriage, I don’t agree that “no one else cares anymore.” In fact it’s quite the opposite. For the past 22 years, over the course of (what I like to think of as) my own “very rare” marriage, I’ve seen the military community come together in ways I couldn’t have imagined. Part of it is the increasing deployments we all must endure, and part of it is the permission we give each other to be “less-than-perfect” military spouses. There’s more room for those of us who choose a nontraditional path. Not everyone can, or wants to, bake a cupcake. Not everyone goes in for the formal FRG stuff. But don’t be so myopic to interpret that as not caring. If and when Lauren finds herself in trouble, she won’t need to depend on her Terrible Spouse Bubble to get her through. She’ll have the rest of us terrible spouses to help her. Those of us with crappy marriages, the ones who can’t bake, and who aren’t destined for sainthood….we’ll all pitch in to help. Because we do care.
Erika
I am an FRG leader and something I worry about is that spouses are there (unit parties, meetings, etc) that don’t want to be. I assure you, nothing for a spouse is ever mandatory! I would rather you be home and happy than at the party and miserable. I wonder how many of my unit spouses talk about me like this…like I must obviously not have my own life. I just simply enjoy helping people, that’s all. Perhaps it is because I am also a veteran (many FRG leaders are) so I still am looking for that military connection. I assure you it’s okay that you don’t come to any unit stuff. But please know we are here anyway, just in case you do want that spouse coffee and a shoulder to cry on.
Kathy
My heart goes out to you because your experiences and your feelings are 100% normal! Everything you write are things I felt twenty years ago, ands stool feel today (tho my daughter is now in college). What you’re describing is having the grace and humility to give yourself permission to be a human being, instead of some robotic military super-wife, like the public expects us to be. Twenty years ago I felt like I was a terrible military wife, and I hated the balls and the mandatory fun days and FRGs; yet we’re still going strong and about to PCS to Germany (again). I’ve come to love this life (sans deployments) and wouldn’t change it for the world.