Last week my husband and I attended an annual military family mandatory fun party. This party included a meal, live entertainment, and of course, a bouncy house for the kids.
Secretly, I was dreading it.
As a military spouse, I should be more enthusiastic about these “family fun nights,” but often times we get there, spend the entire time chasing after our two littles, and return home exhausted.
By the time we left the event, we accomplished 5 things:
- A back ache from bouncing a crying baby.
- Two bites of a meal, while standing up.
- Sweating from chasing around a toddler.
- Socializing with almost no one.
- Driving home exhausted.
I was telling a friend about this ridiculous fiasco of attempting to enjoy a mandatory fun party, and that’s when I told her the one thing I’d been holding back…
I’m terrible at being a military spouse.
I don’t volunteer as much as I should with the Family Readiness Group. I don’t bake cookies, organize social luncheons, or run the summer beach bash among the spouses.
I confess there are many times when I roll my eyes at a mandatory fun event on the schedule. I don’t organize mommy workouts or spouses’ coffees.
I can’t memorize military acronyms to save my life. I even forget the ranks of service members I meet.
When my service member tells me a “work story” I struggle to follow along. I’m not always understanding and patient when the military makes big decisions for our family (like moving overseas).
I struggle with resentment during deployment, and I struggle with adjusting when he returns home. I struggle with preparing the perfect homecoming and all of it overwhelms me and I end up doing nothing at all.
I am the spouse who misses her service member’s phone call from time to time because her phone was on silent. I am the spouse who forgets the print off the PCS checklist until a week before the move.
I am the spouse who can’t find the power of attorney in the moment it’s needed most.
I am the spouse who struggles to make military spouse friends with each duty station move. I am the spouse who doesn’t have her career figured out.
I am the spouse who never knows what to wear to a military ball.
I am the spouse oblivious to the military discounts and special programs available. I am the spouse who is terrible at being a military spouse.
I’m not an expert.
I am not seasoned or advanced.
I am simply a regular spouse, who enjoys Netflix, yoga pants and wine. I like hanging out with my friends—military spouse and civilian spouses alike.
I like to travel and try new things. I love seeing people smile each day. And I have a tendency to drink way too much coffee in the morning.
I like (okay…LOVE) Target. Facebook and Pinterest take up more of my day than I care to admit.
I appreciate a good cry from time to time. I even keep my mom on speed dial and I’m not ashamed to say it.
Most of my outfits are just some combination of jeans and a t-shirt. And I see going to the gym as an excellent excuse to wear my comfy gym clothes all day long.
I am independent, strong-willed and laid-back all in the same breath. I love and adore my service member more than anyone will ever know.
I am a regular, everyday spouse who just happened to become a military spouse.
I am not an expert.
I am not season or advanced.
I am simply a military spouse finding her way.
Want more on military life?
- The Real Reason Being a Military Wife is So Hard
- 3 Telltale Signs You’re Friends With an Awesome Military Spouse
- I Married “Old” in Military Life and I’m So Glad I Waited
- 10 Things Military Spouses Won’t Tell You About Deployment
Amanda
This is so me…in every single way. I feel like a terrible military wife. Although a wonderful wife to my husband, I just don’t always “get” the military side of things. I’m not a big fan of the socials and events, and I’m terrible at volunteering. But, I’m the kind of wife my husband needs, and that’s what really matters.
Lauren Tamm
Yes, so true. I love that…”I’m the kind of wife my husband needs, and that’s what really matters.” I feel exactly the same way.
Liz
Could be worse, your husband could leave you at home while he attends the event all day
Skyla
My husband never invites me to mandatory fun days or even the balls. If I want to go, I go stag. I’d rather not even be involved with the “fun” events they throw and do my own thing anyway. There are plenty of other spouses that fit the bill and I am happier embracing the person I am instead of trying to fit into a cookie cutter expectation. Do you
Lara
I love what you have written and feel exactly the same. Living life my way no tittle or popularity contest needed ?
Enjoy reading your page
Lauren Tamm
Thank you so much! I’m glad I’m not alone 🙂
Lauren Tamm
Thank you for reading!
Laura Maravillas
I love this! Honest and funny! Because in reality we are spouses who happened to be married to service members! Just be the spouse your hubby needs and enjoy t g e adventure #
Lauren Tamm
Yes! Exactly!
Elizabeth
I stumbled upon this blog from Pinterest and after reading almost EVERYTHING here I have to say that I love everything written! Your honesty is beautiful and amazing and refreshing! Thank you for this! Always nice to hear someone tell it life it really is! Being a military spouse can suck and its wonderful to hear someone express the frustration that can come along with it! 🙂
Lauren Tamm
Thank you for reading and leaving such an encouraging comment!
Nichole @Budget Loving Military Wife
Lauren it’s like you took the words out of my mouth and eloquently pieced them together. I LOVE this article! I think so many of us military spouses feel this way but have a difficult time openly admitting it.
I also… frequently do a countdown until the military is out of our lives (retirement day!)… *gasp!* Lol!
We just all need to remember if we are being the best spouse possible… then we are AMAZING military spouses because not only is it difficult to be married sometimes, but we also get the extra “challenge” and “adventure” of military life! Thank you for sharing Lauren! Merry Christmas to you and your family!!
Lauren Tamm
So great to hear from you Nichole. Merry Christmas to your family as well!
Leila
I feel like this often. I’m extremely career driven, and when we moved overseas I became extremely depressed. Very few women I’ve befriended understand my desire to exist as a person outside of the military marriage. Thankfully my husband understands that I’m a horrible military wife and we are working on getting me back stateside while he finishes up over here. It’s nice to see someone else feeling the way I do about things. I love this entry and can’t wait to share it with some of my friends who feel the exact same way!!! Thanks for writing it!
Lauren Tamm
You are so welcome! Thank you for leaving such an encouraging comment.
Shannon
I love this.
I’m not that spouse either. But my big secret? I don’t WANT to be that spouse! I don’t want to volunteer, do FRG stuff, unit stuff, etc. I want to hang out in my own house, with my husband, kids, and dog, and do my own thing. So I do.
We don’t live on base, I haven’t been to an FRG meeting in 5 years, I finally know how to find his work place without getting lost. And it’s OK. I have my friends, I have my church, I have my work, and I’m happy. Being that spouse would make me unhappy. I’m glad there are those spouses for those who need them or those who want to be them. But it’s not for me.
JJ
Yes!!
Jenn
Same here. 17 years in and I can say with 100% confidence I’m so glad I went with my gut early on and did my own thing. The Army takes up SO much of our life and makes so many crucial decisions for us where we get no say that I am so glad I didn’t put that pressure on myself. If you enjoy FRG and all the “mandatory fun” that’s great but so many of us just want to enjoy our time in other ways. After my husband’s last deployment, where his boss decided he needed to extend him past his 9 months for another 3 weeks, the ladies decided to do a ball a week after they got back. I just said no way. We were in the middle of a PCS and I had a 1 and 7 year old that missed their dad terribly and a week in he has to go to a ball. I’m sure I sound like a downer but I can also say with certainty that it doesn’t get easier or better. My husband is currently gone again for a year and we are having to sell our home and look find another before he even comes home. Military spouses handle so much and I am personally counting down the days until we get to make our own choices in life. Finding your way as a military spouse can be almost impossible sometimes and adding the stress of being the perfect participating spouse is just too much.
Carmen
Eh. Different strokes for different folks. I do know we would have been seriously SOL if I had been a “terrible military spouse” when my husband came home from deployment a week before our house hold goods were picked up for our PCS. Same can be said when he was TDY when our shipment came in. I’m often the only spouse who bakes something for a shop BBQ. I volunteer because I like sharing my knowledge.
Cindi Clark
I agree to each her own, but thank God for you and those like you who do volunteer and participate in activities. Unless you have been in a unit where something has gone really wrong you have no idea how hard it is when you have spouses who have not bothered to keep the unit together. The service members NEED families to keep at least a minimum connection to the unit and each other. You may think it is your choice to do whatever you please, but when you choose a military life at least consider the lives of others. You don’t have to be out there doing it all, which some do enjoy. But respect your spouse’s job and what he or she is giving to our country and learn about what they do and what they love. Honor their sacrifice with at least a bit of interest in them. Connect a little with others so that when the unthinkable happens, the person it happens to wont be alone. I do applaud the author’s spirit and independence but after 31 years I have seen too many times where tragedy has turned to rally because families knew they could count on each other. And I worry for the young families now who are more interested in themselves than the welfare of our service members and families. You don’t have to be super-spouse. I have dreaded those events too. But disinterested and disconnected isn’t the answer either.
Shand
I absolutely love what you’ve written! Oh my gosh, 30+ years as a military spouse and I STILL feel this way!! Thank you for putting into words what so many of us really feel!! Don’t change 🙂
Lauren Tamm
You are too kind! Thanks for being amazing and offering some encouragement!
Kim Madden
You are the spouse that I have been looking to befriend in the past 17 years. I enjoyed your article, it was breath of fresh air; keep being yourself and sticking to what matters to you and your family.
Lauren Tamm
Thanks for your encouragement!