It’s 2:37 am.
My husband’s awake. I’m trying to fall back asleep and forget about what is about to happen, but my heart won’t allow my mind to shut off.
I walk into the living room and there he sits, eating his breakfast in the middle of the night. It smells like eggs and toast and coffee. I can’t help but think this is the last time he will eat in our home for a very long time.
He’s leaving…again.
His bags sit at the doorway. He’s dressed in cammies; I’m dressed in frumpy pajamas. Not exactly the glamorous outfit most envision for a military goodbye.
I’m so choked up thinking about this. I HATE goodbyes.
The tears are welling in my eyes, and I’m trying my hardest to keep it together, but my mind keeps going back to the things I’ll miss the most trying to cope with this deployment separation. Thinking about those things is a direct line to my heart, and I can’t help but cry.
I’ll miss him.
When I go to sleep at night and I want someone to snuggle up next to.
When I wake up and wish that he already made the coffee.
Every day from 5:30 to 7:30 pm when I most appreciate his help with dinner and we have a 2-year-old not listening.
When my little one asks for Daddy and I can’t deliver.
When I simply want to talk to my husband and best friend and I can’t.
When everything in the house suddenly starts to break down and I could use a partner in crime.
It’s time now.
He’s finished his breakfast and it’s exactly 3:14 am and he needs to go. We are doing this deployment goodbye a bit differently this time. Instead of watching that bus drive away in the dead of night, we are saying goodbye in the quiet stillness of our own home.
He throws his dishes in the sink and tells me the same things he always tells me,
“I love you. You’re my favorite girl in the world. Thanks for being patient with me. And thanks for being a great mommy. I’ll see you soon.”
I can’t even say anything at this point. The tears are coming too fast. I always hope that my slobbering tears and sobs are enough to show my true affection and adoration for my husband. That he understands that I love him and adore him too, but I just can’t say it right now.
He grabs his bags and leaves as the door shuts quietly behind him.
My two year old is sleeping soundly in his crib, and he has no idea that his daddy just left for a long time. He doesn’t yet understand that daddy won’t be home today or the day after that or the day after that. He just thinks his dad is a superhero and that’s why he is sleeping next to his daddy doll.
Related: Daddy doll tutorial for military kids
He’s far too little to understand the concept of time, deployments and military life, and I hope and pray I can do enough to help him cope and somehow make sense of all this. It’s moments like these when the kid stuff just pulls yanks at your heartstrings.
Standing in the kitchen, I look over and notice the exhaust fan is still on from when he cooked his breakfast. He always leaves that darn thing on. I beg him to stop leaving it on all the time because it perpetuates the mold problem in our home and the humidity is ridiculous here and housing already warned us about using it sparingly.
Through the tears, I think about how it’s so irritating that husbands don’t listen sometimes.
And then I realize what I’ll miss the most…
Everyday life.
The irritating. The loving. The annoying. The sweet and wonderful.
All of it.
I’ll miss him so much that I’ll even start to miss seeing the darn exhaust fan on every morning. I’ll miss him telling me that I’m his favorite girl. I’ll miss him kissing our kiddo goodnight every evening. I may even miss him polluting our entire house with military gear everywhere. Okay, maybe I won’t miss the gear everywhere.
In every military deployment, you really do miss the everyday life the most. The regular stuff that simply makes life…well…everyday life.
It’s not over yet though.
One day my husband will return home. Our family will be together again. And we’ll go back to irritating and loving each other all in the same breath.
And life will go on the same way it always does.
Because this guy?
Yeah, he’s mine forever.
And I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Want more on military life?
- 3 Telltale Signs You’re Friends With an Awesome Military Spouse
- 10 Things Strong Military Spouses Do Differently
- 9 Reasons Why It’s Okay When He Deploys
- The Deployment Diet No One Really Talks About
Kristian
Thanks so much for sharing this. My husband hasn’t yet depolyed, but I can imagine how hard it was to sit down and write this. Thank you for supporting your husband and for his service! I have a daughter who is two and I dread the day , whenever it comes, that we have to explain deployment to her. You are a strong lady!
Lauren Tamm
You are too kind. Thanks for your encouragement!
Christa
Being a military girlfriend, this post just almost made tears come to my eyes (almost because I want to be strong for my boyfriend, myself, as well as you guys now! lol). I enjoy reading your articles a lot, thank you so much, and I can’t imagine even with having a military guy, the difficulty that you went/still going through. Stay strong <3
**also, it has a place when I go to post my comment, to put a website, it's unrelated but I left the link anyway, and I promise I'm not trying to "steal viewers" so to say, lol. I'm not sure what your tastes are, but you may enjoy reading :).**
Heather
Haha, military gear everywhere. I am with you on that one! I have noticed how much more I appreciate the everyday ordinary myself. I hope you see him soon!
Lauren Tamm
Yes, the ordinary becomes pretty special.
Nicole
Wonderful post, I just shared my goodbye yesterday and I definitely agree, you miss the everyday life. My man and I are currently long distance, so we’re pretty used to not seeing each other everyday, but you still miss having your other half around to help with the everyday things.
Stay strong Lauren <3
Carolyn
Hi,my millitary boyfriend is based in Cyprus but is at theoment in another place patrolling. He is mot sure how long before he teturns back to base. He has his vomputer there + messages me most days but now I haven’t heard from him for a week, doesn’t he have any access there to meddage me ?
Kelley Townsend
I’m so glad that you shared this post cause my husband will soon be deploying this June. And I know that’s it’s going to be very hard for me cause this will be my first deployment with and I am also new to the military life .
Lauren Collins
Hello, my long term boyfriend is going through the processes to join the army.
I am really struggling to get through this time. Any help would be really appreciated.
Lauren xx
Mikell
THIS! Just reading it makes my heart hurt. We say our goodbyes at home too… Seems to work best for our four kiddos. My husband has deployed 16 times… We’re coming up on the 17th deployment and I don’t even want to think about it yet.
Kaitlyn
My long-term boyfriend is currently going through the process of joining the army.
I think the scariest things are not knowing where he’s going or when.
This post made me cry lol. It’s going to be hard living without all of those things I love about him. It’s going to be hard.
How can you deal with it? What can I do to be more supportive?
Thank you!
Christian Cruz
I have a friend and she’s talking to this guy doing military training, obviously he’ll be in the military and probably train some more, then train some more, then work some more. It hurts seeing my mom, sleeping on this small uncomfortable sofa downstairs everynight while their bed is bigger than my room. I don’t want my friend to live a life of lonely hardship, while her “husband” is being selfish. Fighting a war he doesn’t have to fight. Leaving everything behind. Doing the easy thing. I asked her once, why does he have to go? And she answered, “for country”. Is it really though? No one is invading us. Anyway that’s an issue for some other time. I wanted to ask, should I make her understand? Sometimes I think I wouldn’t want her to discover for herself, because it would be too late.
Kristen
14 years in and I’m still listening to him snore wishing he wasnt leaving next week. It never gets easier and you are so correct about just missing the everyday normal life stuff..
Lauren Ritchie
Here I am…googling “missing husband during deployment” at 0350 in the morning bc I can’t sleep from the ache of missing him. Sick of these sleepless nights and being that I’m almost 8mo pregnant, and wondering if he’ll make the birth or not, makes me anxious and tired. My toddler, sleeping soundly, will never know how much “I know” everything he has missed with her growth. This post made me laugh and cry in such a good way! Thank you for being that one that thing that can put me at ease so I can try to sleep now! Haha…I do remember the gear scattered all over the floors and him always packing or trying to find something last min!