Raising Kids
I’m not going to sugar coat this for you. I struggled horribly with my 2-year-old not listening. As a mom who researches things like how to make kids listen and how to be a positive parent to a strong willed child, the twos about did me in.
Yes, really. (That’s why I started researching why parents yell…)
But here’s the real shocker…
I spent eight years working as a critical care nurse, where my career was built around surviving high intensity situations.
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I used to code patients, do CPR, push drugs, shock people, and simultaneously run multiple medications and machines while never breaking one bead of sweat.
Then I had a 2-year-old not listening.
And I learned something profound. Parenting a strong willed toddler was far harder than my hardest day in the ICU.
The twos are hard for a reason.
Just to be clear, a two-year-old not listening is not because a two-year-old is terrible. Teaching a two-year-old to listen is hard because children are experiencing the greatest brain development of their life.
Simply put, from age birth to three, your child’s brain produces 700 new neural connections every second.
I’ll let that digest for a moment. Because when I first read that I about sprayed coffee all over my laptop.
With 700 new neural connections every second, is it really a wonder why teaching toddlers to listen is such a common struggle among parents?
There is something to help.
I used to get in all these non-sensical arguments with my 2-year old, and it would go something like this…
Him: I want toast.
Me: Sure buddy (gives toast)
Him: I don’t want toast (falls to the floor)
Me: What? Why? What’s wrong with the toast?
And right there is where I had it all wrong.
I was asking logical questions with the mindset that my 2-year-old’s thoughts were logical, when in fact, they were not.
When you have a 2-year-old not listening, a large part (like 90 percent) is because their behavior is driven by the emotional brain, not the logical brain.
Which means, your 2-year-old is having illogical and impulsive thoughts driven by emotion–all day long.
This is normal and expected because–woah–700 new neurons a second.
Here’s a simple solution.
Instead asking questions, meet your child exactly where they are in that moment. Girl scout’s honor. For real. Skip the questions. Toddlers don’t understand WHY they feel the way they do. They just feel it, and they gotta get it all out there.
This is why when you ask 2-year-olds “What’s wrong?” or “Why did you do that?” or “Why are you crying?”, they respond with crying, silence, repeating what they just told you, yelling or some other random response.
Your 2-year-old does not know the answer because his actions are based on emotional impulses, not logic.
He doesn’t know why he doesn’t want toast anymore.
He doesn’t know what’s wrong about the toast.
All he knows is that there is an overwhelming impulse inside of his brain telling him to, “Say no to toast!”
Instead…acknowledge.
No matter how illogical or impulsive your child is acting, acknowledge what they are thinking, doing and feeling.
Stay calm. Embrace it. Meet your child right there at the emotion.
“Ahhh…You don’t want the toast. I see.”
Then, wait. This is referred to by teachers as “wait time.” Or as I like to call it “the great parenting pause.”
This is where you pause for a good 3-7 seconds (or much longer) while your child has a chance to process.
Related: 7 Things That Will Change How You Try to Stop a Temper Tantrum
This is where the magic happens.
I quit fighting with him about the toast, and instead, I put my energy to good use and drank some coffee.
(I also started using these printable routine cards and they helped a TON with cooperation.)
Each time he said something, I acknowledged what he was thinking and calmly let him know about my boundary.
“You really don’t want that toast. I see. You can have the toast for breakfast or you can eat later at snack time.”
Then I paused and took a sip of coffee (Okay…several large gulps).
Low and behold….
Exactly 7 minutes later, he came back and decided he was ready to eat the toast.
It was a toast and a toddler listening miracle!
Not only did I save myself a 7-minute dogfight over toast, he ate the toast.
If you are struggling with a 2-year-old not listening, remember this: When 700 new neurons are growing each second, do not hesitate to avoid questions and embrace acknowledgement. Because all your child wants is for you to know that he doesn’t want toast in that moment. Who knew.
Print this free toddler listening checklist.
This post comes with a free printable checklist to help with toddler listening. I always have the hardest time remembering these phrases. This printable simplifies it!
Here is a sneak preview…
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- Download the checklist. You’ll get the printable, plus join 37,000+ parents who receive my weekly parenting tips and ideas!
- Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock
would be ideal.
- Place it on your refrigerator. Check things off as you go and don’t forget a thing!
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Got anything for a 18 year old with the same problem?
Hi Anthony, I suggest “a job” for the 18 year old.
I love your article – I am a grandma and I have been baby sitting my grandbaby boy. He is 2 years old and your describe vividly how my grandbaby acts at times.
I have so much patience with my grandson but it is hard when 2 grandparents have different technique.
Same thing works for all ages. Sometime people are just emotional or need time to process
Very true. This doesn’t just apply to toddlers. We adults can be emotional and not logical.
Haha!!! I have the same issue with my 16 yr old SS. He just got a job, now thinks he can talk like an adult & have adult privileges, without the responsibility. I’d rather deal with my 3 yr old, at least he makes sense (most days).
living with my dad is very underestimated and we have our own world here with grandparents. Raising a toddler, is the greatest thing in my life, our life. My tot makes more sense than grandparents. This article really put us all in check mate. And we won. Toddler is doing very well. And so are we.
Ok, I get how this works for getting a toddler to do something you want them to do, but I am having trouble implementing this when he is performing a negative behavior. I cannot get my non-verbal son to listen to me when I say no to anything. The current battle is him getting into the dogs food. Am I just supposed to wait while he put dog food all over my house?? Please help me understand how to better implement this practice with negative behaviors
Sarah, have you tried eliminating the problem? I am a teacher of 2 year olds and I have found it easier to eliminate the problem rather that fight with the child everyday over the same thing. For example, you can put the dog food in a container that the child can’t open, or put the food where they can’t reach it. If they are able to open the container, put something heavy on top that they can’t move. This approach can work for anything that is a daily battle of them getting into. As they get older, it will become easier to teach them what they can’t do. Hope this helps.?
I love what you’re saying but you make it sound so simple. I have often do this with my 2.5 year old, but what about when we reach tantrum phase and they go 0 to 100? For example, this morning we were making her oatmeal for breakfast and she likes to help. She was holding her spoon and I went to use the TBS to measure the oatmeal and instant freak out because we didn’t use her spoon. I tried to calmly tell her why we use the TBS, etc but it didn’t help. Any suggestions for this type of situation?
Me too and it and he’s driving me crazy he do not listen I said don’t do that you’re going to give her leave the dog alone is going to bite you he don’t send learn I’ve seen him in the crib he gets out I put him back in there I say no staying there he gets out leave the dog alone it’s going to bite you if you don’t care he goes back to the door don’t send listen
First, remove the dog food.
Tonight I asked my almost 2 year old to clean up the good he threw and he didn’t! After asking several times I gave up. He never pick up his toys after playing even after asking nicely. I don’t know how to get him do the chores.
2 year old children don’t do chores.
My 2 year old son does some chores! He has a baby laundry basket and when it’s full he takes it to the washer, puts them inside, I get the washer ready to go and he gets to wait and watch for the BUBBLES and then the SPIN! Then he gets to take them out of the washer, put them in the dryer, then he gets to click the LIGHT in the dryer!! Kids love learning to be independent and helpful, use it to their knowledge and your advantage!!
I tell mine to help me and give him An example of how to put away his things. Sometimes he just stares at me or walks away and I lead him over to a toy, take his hands and put it on the toy and he’ll pick it up and we walk over to where it goes. He giggles and thinks that’s funny (that I’m using his hands) and then he’ll help out a little better.
Have you tried making it a game? Something like ” Oh there’s food on the floor. Let’s see how fast you can clean up the food. I’ll count. Ready set go!” Or for toys we choose a category and we pick all of that up first; so let’s pick up all the red cars first, then move on to green trucks, etc.
Hahhaa any help for twins??!!! We usually end up in Tantrums…
Go on Nina Garcia’s blog she is an other amazing mom with twins 🙂 And good luck!
Lauren, awesome article I’m new on your blog.
Thanks Noemie! And you’re right, Nina Garcia has a fabulous blog for mom’s of twins called sleepingshouldbeeasy.com
My kids arent like this never had a problem!! We have 3, ages 3,4,5 but recently i have been watching our two year old niece and she is a lil monster. She isn’t good around other kids or animals… 🙁 so its really hard cause her anwser to everything is no b** leave me alone or get out of my face . or if you try to talk to her or sit her down she screams and throws the worst fit. She is coming from a really sad broken up bring love her but its Definelty hard watching. We have been teaching her no bad words but her parents and grandma are no help. (They think its funny)Im not sure what to do.. She loves me and my husband I choose to watch her because her other babysitter was abusing her and was around bad things. Shes on the verge of being taking away from her mom sadly it might be the best for herbut for now I will try this with her THANKYOU
Celeste, sounds like your niece is using the only power tools she knows — those she learned from her mother. So when she feels backed into a corner or powerless or feels a lack of control, she resorts to name calling and commands and yelling. If you’re able to help meet her need for connection and power, she will open up to your guidance. Because this is all very new to her, it makes so much sense that when you try to talk to her or sit down, she screams and throws the worst fits. When she says go away, take a very deliberate step back and say, “It looks like I’m too close and you don’t like that. Tell me where to move.” Since she was abused, this is a survival skill for her to tell people to go away when they are too close. You can build trust with her by moving away. If she comes back and says, “No, move there,” you can come back and say, “Whoops! I got it wrong. Looks like you want me to move here {take a step to where she points}. Did I get it right yet?” This small exercise can immediately start to build trust with her because she knows you’ll listen to her instead of only trying to get her to listen to you. Lastly, I highly recommend “The Parent Survival Guide” by Dr. Theresa Kellam. Because she’s had a difficult upbringing, the best way you can help her is with Special Playtimes. This will allow her to work through what she’s experienced through her play. And then if you’re able to eventually get her to a professional play therapist, it can change her life and yours.
but what about the 2yr who insists on touching the things he’s not supposed to? I have a 2yr who climbs shelving units to get things that have been put out of reach. Nothing is safe from him and when he’s told “No” he generally laughs and tries to act cute.
Hey CD,
It this situation, I do something very similar. I might sound like this…”You are trying to reach that xyz up on the shelf. You really like that xyz and you wish you could play with it. You can climb over here. Or you can play with these toys.” Most times when children test boundaries, they are looking to connect with you. For you to notice what they are doing and acknowledge it. Acknowledgement of the child’s behavior doesn’t change your boundary. If your child is doing something you don’t like, offer something the child can do instead. If your child complies or does something well, let them know. “You got down from the shelf, even though you wanted to climb. That shows self-control.” The more you name the behaviors you like, the more your child will exhibit those behaviors 🙂
Great post! i kinda sorta knew that without realizing how to make it work in my favour, and now I get to drink my tea while it’s hot! lol
Seriously though, i make all those mistakes, asking “why” and and “what’s wrong” and never getting an answer which just frustrates me and the situation escalates. Ugh.
Thanks!
You are so welcome!
Great article! Helps me get insight into my toddler’s behavior. Any tips for a picky eater of the same age (who is also very stubborn) ?
Yes! https://themilitarywifeandmom.com/get-kids-to-listen-dinner-table/
Hi LT. Those initials are enough for me. I was allowing my 2yo to take my sanity. Read your post and some replies. You reply well. I feel much better now. Well, ready for the next power struggle. Thank you.
Ben.
So how do you deal with a 2 year old that head butts you when he’s not getting his way?
Great question Wanda! It’s so frustrating as a parent when kids act out physically and aggressively. I would first try to intervene before he is able to head butt you. He is two, so hopefully you are able to move your head swiftly out of the way. Then similar to the example from the post, I would dive straight into empathy and validation. It might sound something like this, “You’re really angry with me right now. You’re so angry you want to hit me.” I try to match the child’s intensity (https://themilitarywifeandmom.com/stop-temper-tantrum/). The acknowledgement is key here because kids will continue to communicate until they feel heard. So if he doesn’t feel like you get it, he will continue to act out aggressively.
Then offer your toddler something safe to head butt instead. “You can head butt this cushion over here. You have a lot of head butts to get out. You can bang your head right into this pillow.” When your child is calm and gets all his anger out, share a strength. “You were really angry, but you found a way to calm down. That shows self control.” Or “You calmed yourself.”
If you are not familiar, this is a Language of Listening approach. Hope this helps!
Lauren
when my twin 2 year olds headbutt they usually want something. i ask “whats up” then say ” if you tell me what you want i can make it better. its usually touching where but im starting to get their speech involved. 🙂 if they are angry i divert them to something they like although thats fairly rare.
You may also discover that when you order a child to do something they resist, but if you tell the child what you want them to do, they comply.
So “pick up your toys” does not work as often as “I WANT you to pick up you toys”.
You rock Lauren! You explain my current life with a two year old perfectly! I have a two almost three year old, and I am pregnant with our second child. I will be following more on your page! Thanks for sharing!
Thank you!
Amazing! It works!! I know magic now, thanks to you Lauren!!
That’s amazing!
I understand You i’m a nurse too here in PR and this (parenting) is hard
Loved this! ❤
where is the husband, sounds absent!, your parenting experiences are all on the webpage http://www.babycenter.com/0_10-tips-for-raising-a-well-rounded-boy_10310246.bc
How do you handle listening when in open space? I feel my 2 YO does great when he’s indoors but the second he has some freedom (I.e at the park or walking our neighborhood) he doesn’t come when called. He gets so focused on what he’s doing he either A) completely ignores me or B) hears me but chooses not to obey.
This is so helpful! I can’t wait to try it. I have a two year old that does not listen well and it can be very frustrating!! I’m looking forward to the little online course too!!
What a genius idea! My kids would go nuts for these.
3 year old.
Any tips for spontaneous high pitched ear aching screaming?
What do I do when I tell my 2 year old to stop doing what she’s doing (throwing, hitting, jumping) yet she doesnt listen? I end up yelling at her, then she listens. Is there any way to do it without yelling?
Whats the best way to potty train?pull ups or underware?he will be 3 in January.Thank you
This is the method we used Caryln, Potty Train in a Weekend (http://amzn.to/2wcRJhp)
I taught my 2 year old nephew to use the potty by him wearing a pull up and then putting underwear on top of It I would usually say remember to keep them clean and go to the potty and when he did he got a sticker to put on the potty seat.
Lauren,
I’ve been reading several of your posts, they are incredibly insightful and applicable to my situatipn. It is very encouraging for me to know there is a health(ier) way to parent a strong willed child.
My 2 year old has a speech delay, so her lack of communication adds to the frustration. Validating her emotions will be very comforting to her, it will make her feel understood.
Thank you for offering your tips and sharing your parenting experience. I really appreciate it.
You are so welcome!
Hi Lauren,
Your posts are going right on target without beating around the bush. That’s great for a stressed working mom like me! I read 4 of your post in the same time I usually read one! And got really inspired too! Definitely will try all of your advice on my 2.5 year old girl. By the way – she’s determined to NEVER give up breastfeeding for comfort and sleepy times. She was born underweight so I was told never to refuse her wanting to latch on. Now she declares WAR every time I try to refuse her some milk Got any advice for that?
I am so glad I came across your blog post, this has really opened my eyes as to why my nearly 2 year old son will not listen. I was really reaching my limit with him not listening and the techniques you share here are exactly what I need. I could feel myself letting the stress get the better of me with 2 under 2 and a third baby on the way. Cannot wait to give them a try, thank you so much!
I love the idea of a parenting pause! What an awesome trick to just take a breath instead of arguing…which I’ve done entirely too many times but to no avail. It never works and I understand this, but sometimes it can be so frustrating. Having somewhere else to put that energy like into taking a drink of coffee will be really helpful. Thank you!
Your website is wonderful in content, layout, and style! I read one article and find five others I want to read. Your stories are so relateable – yep my son does that – did that too. Your writing style is hilarious – love it. I find myself chuckling and sharing your stories with my husband. We both have found your tips helpful. I especially love how you get to the root of the behavior in order to address it and this makes perfect sense to me and was transformative for my parenting. I find myself no longer easily frustrated with my son and I can respond in a more positive way. Thank you so much!
Unfortunately for me this IS my parenting method .. well was . Before been having children I knew that they don’t and could not process things logically and everything is emotional . Fast forward and when my 2yo goes to the ground about food or toys I let him and I say “I understand how you feel, it’s no big deal .” THIS isn’t even NOT listening to me … he’s pissed , I let him be pissed … I’m a pregnant hormonal almost 30 women and I get mad and sad for no reason so I haveA LOT of empathy. MY PROBLEM is actually not listening … don’t run in the street , don’t go under the sink .. get off the dinning room table … now after 2 years of gentle parenting I’m yellingand takingntime outs to a new level … I’ve “spanked” (hardly call it a spank in comparison to what I used to get) 2x for the need to teach him a lesion he needed to know immediately… so what about when they don’t listen and are putting themselves in danger and gentle parenting is NOT working ! I can’t eben take him tot he park because he runs straight for the street or the canal on the side or the bathrooms around the corner … no matter how many times we leave abruptly, time outs , talks ‘e crying because I’ve gotnsvared he still does things like this …
Thank you so much for this, I felt lost today on my parenting adventure and found this just at the right moment (crying whilst toddler was napping, as I felt a terrible Mum…yes it was sleep deprivation day!!).
Wonderful post and really made me think differently about my parenting approach!
I know this article is older, but I just found it, and it means so much to me. I’m so guilty of doing this, I get so frustrated and feel like I’m
Barely keeping my temper in, and then I hate myself for being a crappy, awful mom until the next time it happens. Thank you so much. I can’t tell you how grateful I am to have found these well-phrased simple reminder and explanation. ?
Don’t smack your kids. Why do parents think pain is the answer, think about it, would you allow someone to smack your child? Would you be okay with that? No. So why do it urself. Mum or dad are supose to be the people and a child feels safe with, not hurt by. Sort it out. Cant stand hearing about it or seeing it in public, makes me wanna smack you !!
I’ve been using this strategy in situations where there is time to allow my son’s stubbornness to play out, for the most part it works out better than trying to get a logical response.
What tips do you have for situations you don’t have the luxury to wait out your child’s stubbornness? A good example is when the family is out at a restaurant, and our 2 year old wants to do everything but sit and eat.
Thank you for such a valuable piece of advice! Taking a pause and validating their feelings – brilliant! I have recently started a blog called livingthespecialneedslife.com and I would love for you to come visit. Your input would be very valuable. Thank you again and I hope to see you there!
Same thing works for all ages. Sometime people are just emotional or need time to process
I cried big ugly tears while reading this. My son is almost 2 and I am constantly in a panic because he isnt talking like other 2 year olds and he ig pored our constant questioning of “what does a cow say?” (Or whatever other questions we are pressing, trying to prove to ourselves that we’re good parents and teaching him the things he needs to know) so in my googling, I can across this article. We are not quite to the “I don’t want toast” phase but still the basis is the same, we all just want to be acknowledged for what we are feeling, and why would my child feel any different? So I closed Google and crawled onto the floor to push cars around and make silly noises because thats where he is at right now. And I can be ok with that. I realize that it wasnt even the purpose of your article but right when I got to “700 neural connections a second” it all just clicked for me. So thank you for the big ugly tears this morning and the reminder that it’s ok for our kids to just be who they are and to just be there with them.
Ignores… not ig pored (:
This is great advice, but my two year old is not talking to a point where he expressing himself in words.
This is a game-changer. All these articles are fantastic. Thank you so much!
My 3 year-old daughter has always had, and still has tantrum episodes every single day. It’s humiliating. Bedtime is so stressful EVERY DAY! And this is not the only time she is out of control. I have tried it all; routine, stories, positive reinforcement, games, etc., still, nothing works. We can’t figure it out…we would appreciate your input… I’m all ears!!! Thanks!!!
Thank you for this post! Very helpful. I used to struggle so much with my daughter when she was 2 years old. We had to move from IL to Japan. So, terrible two + moving it’s very difficult because toddlers need stability and consistency.
This book helped me so much: The Happiest Toddler on the Block: How to Eliminate Tantrums and Raise a Patient, Respectful, and Cooperative One- to Four-Year-Old by Doctor Harvey.
Great method. Great book! It allowed me to understand what was going on with my daughter’s brain.
Thanks so much Lauren!!!!
I can’t thank you enough for all that you share. You make me laugh about the chaos and everything I’ve tried that YOU have recommended, has worked!!!! Thank you for dedicating your time to this. Ive learned so much from you and you save my life often. Baby Mama Medicine..
This is great, but what if what he wants is not something you want him to have? Ice cream for breakfast or to go outside at 6am?! There are no questions or options – these are hard nos.
Hi
Im teaching a 1 and 2 year old class. Have meltdowns of kids in class sometimes. What could be a good approach in a class setting? Love the one on one parenting way but like for instance with sharing?
How does this apply to a two year old who refuses to go to bed or take naps when you tell him? I’ll even suggest he can have quiet time and play until he falls asleep but leaving his bed is not an option. He literally ignores me while his baby sister is crying because I put her down to put him back in bed.
I have a very strong willed 4 year old. I wish someone told me before that instead of asking him to do something I just have to remove him from what he was doing (I found that when he was 3 throwing his shoes on the kitchen table). Consistency is key. He will learn that he cannot do some things because you stop him, so eventually gives up.
I apologize for being “that person” in correcting a small spelling error, but… the expression is actually “Lo and behold” not “Low and behold.” It’s short form for “look and behold.” 😉
Good tips. My “terrible” two-year-old is now a “terrible” three-year-old who exhibits many signs of OCD (yes, at this tender age). He’s not easy to deal with, but waiting it out, helping him calm himself down from a frenzy, and distraction work better than attempting to reason with him when he’s a ball of fury.
The tips you share are great. I will learn according to the tips you share. Thanks very much.
Beautiful article thanks so much