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My in-laws were recently here visiting us in Japan, which meant it was time for another round of our son sleeping in our room again. My husband and I had a whole plan of action ready to go. He would sleep in our bed.
This seemed like a great idea, but I was secretly dreading it. I know some parents are great at co-sleeping and room sharing. I’m the opposite. I’m not good at it at all.
It’s one of those areas I wish I were so much more patient as a parent. You know? I wish that I was cool with our son laying in our bed poking my eyes out and kicking me in the face. Hardy har har. But the truth is both my husband and I last about 2 minutes flat before we’ve had enough.
Our first night.
So here we were on our first night of bed sharing, and it was not going well. I was actually really surprised by this. I went through our son’s normal bedtime routine, using our printable routine cards and easing him into the whole idea. And then, I laid him down the same way I always do, said goodnight, and exited the room. Nothing new. The only change was a new location and a new bed.
What happened next…
The child was mad, hysterical, and completely beside himself. I decided to give it a few minutes to see if he would settle himself. No go.
After a bit of time, my husband and I finally decided to just bring him back out into the living room to chill for a bit. Normally, we wouldn’t do that but since he was so ramped up, our little boy clearly needed a cooling off period.
30 minutes later we went through a modified bedtime routine and laid him back down.
Oh the CRIES. He was still very unhappy about all of this. So I decided it was time to pull out all the stops and use the one trick I knew would work.
The one simple trick…
I went back to his room, turned on his gummy bear light, and picked him up again. I gave him a big giant hug, put his head to my shoulder, and sat us down together on my bed.
And then I started with the deep breathing..
In and out.
In and out.
Taking my own multiple deep breaths in a row, my sweet boy started to take his own deep breaths.
I took a deep breath.
Then he took a deep breath.
In and out.
In and out.
This isn’t something that I coach or tell him to do. All I do is take deep breaths myself, and then he follows. You see, deep breathing is just like yawning. It’s contagious! And it’s a completely subconscious cause and effect rhythm that you can fall into with your child.
When hugging or cuddling in a way that is natural for you and your child, the deep breathing becomes contagious between you. All you have to do is start the rhythm and your child will pick up on it. This technique is something you can use at any age. I’ve actually used it since my kids were infants.
10 minutes later…
Normally, we don’t spend this long deep breathing together, but this was a special circumstance. By now, we were 10 minutes into the deep breathing and he was practically melted into my body. I laid him down back on the floor mattress, keeping my hand firmly placed on his back to help him know I was right there. I told him I would stay with him until he fell asleep. And before I knew it, he was snuggled in tight and nearly asleep.
The next night…
I simply opted to start right off the bat with the deep breathing routine. After 5-10 minutes of deep breathing in a hugging position, I again laid him down, keeping my hand on his back. I again told him I would stay until he fell asleep. After a bit, I removed my hand and just sat next to him in the bed. Total time invested? Only about 15 minutes longer than his normal bedtime routine. Sweet boy.
The night after that…
5 minutes worth of deep breathing and he was practically jumping out of my arms to get in that bed. It was too sweet for words.
Why deep breathing actually works with kids.
The effect of deep breathing helps slow both your own heart rate and your child’s heart rate, which allows the body to relax and slow down. You can literally feel your heart rate slow down, your mind get quieter, and your whole body physically relax. You can literally feel your child’s heart rate slow down, as they start to relax and melt right into you. This is why I always do the deep breathing in a hugging position. It washes over you and your child like a calming, relaxing sleepytime medicine.
I often use this technique with my sweet little boy and wonder, “Is it really that simple?”
When all of parenting feels so overly complicated and stressful, it’s pretty amazing that something like deep breathing is the fix to a bedtime issue.
Turns out,
sometimes kids just need their moms,
and a big giant hug,
and a few deep breaths to go along with it.
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- 3 Mom Tricks to Help Kids Stay in Bed
- The Real Reason Kids Never Want to Go to Sleep
- How to Stop a Child From Whining – Immediately
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Love this! I actually heard this before (long ago) and didn’t remember it so I’ll have to try it with my baby (who takes over an hour to settle into sleep normally).
Great! I hope it helps! I would love to hear how it goes. Good luck.
I am going to try this with my 11 month old baby girl, she has been so irritable lately so fingers crossed!
My Baby takes all night to fall asleep and can’t be consoled what do I do and is always hungry
I am going to try this tonight on my 2 and 4 year old children. fingers crossed.
I hope it goes well!
I actually do deep breathing and concentrating on breathing when I’m having trouble falling alseep.. It’s amazing how quickly this works! Never thought to try this on my kids (now 30 and 33), but pretty sure it would have worked!
Thanks! I do the same with myself too 🙂
I have a 10 year old daughter who is having trouble going to sleep. (She changed bedrooms) could it really be this simple? Bless you! She’s an anxious child anyway and this seems like a perfect solution to give her the reassurance and calming & the confidence over time that she’s okay. Thanks so much for an answer that I feel like I should have already known. This mom thing never gets easier. (Btw, she’s # 4, # 1 is 28 years old. We always need helpful people like you.)
Thanks for your encouraging words. Deep breathing is an awesome way to help kids cope with anxiety. I hope it helps!
Hi Rene and Lauren,
One thing you may not have realized, Lauren, was the value of the “hugging position.” This can be related to the Moro Reflex, which basically has 3 stages to it. Stage 1 is the “infant startle” reflex, where the arms and legs move out and up and there is a quick inhalation and cessation of breath. This is followed by Stage 2, where the breath is released with a cry and the baby naturally wants to hug mom and receive a hug from mom. If your child feels your arms always provide a “safe place” in the world, your child will be able to move into Stage 3, where she can move out into the world with arms open. If your child feels there is no real “safe place” in the world, she may become caught in Stage 2 and always being clingy or needing LOTS of hugs!
So deep breathing is great – AND – deep breathing with a hug is fabulous!
I’m not a mom, but I help moms of children on the Autism Spectrum or with Sensory Processing / Developmental Delays find inner calm for themselves, their AS child/ren, and their whole family by assessing and integrating childhood reflexes that may be causing challenges to development. An active Moro Reflex can cause overexcitement,followed by fatigue; temper tantrums; allergies / food sensitivities; as well as being very easily startled (sight, sound, change of body position, etc.).
Lauren, I’m going to refer clients to your website, as you seem to have some wonderful tips / resources to offer.
Yours in Gratitude (because I’d been sleep deprived for decades before I came to the work I do now 🙂
WendyHT
Wow…this is good info too!!
My son screams more if I try to hug him while he is crying or having a tantrum or trying to escape his bed. What to do if my son doesn’t want to be hugged?
I’m def going to try this with my little one, but it makes sense deep breathing is contagious.
Good luck!
You know… I tried this one time (without even realizing what I was doing) while we were staying at my father-in-law’s house. About 2 minutes after my son started deep breathing, he was out! It never occurred to me to try it at home. I will definitely be trying this tonight as he has been having sleep disturbances lately. 🙂
I hope it worked for you!
I tried this last night with my 4yr old who has been a NIGHTMARE to get down for the last year or so. He has such a hard time settling down and plays for over an hour after lights out. We did the hug-deep breathing thing for about 5 minutes and then he was able to lay down. He asked me to rub his back and so I stayed sitting on his bed for about 10 more minutes rubbing his back and deep breathing and he conked out!
Huzzah! Thank you for the tip!
You’re welcome!
I actually have been doing this with my 4 year old son since he was about 9 months old! He had a hard time falling asleep on his own, he never wanted in his crib! I started doing it by breathing like I was asleep, it works very well. I cosleep with him though. My 2 year old daughter falls asleep on her own in the crib. Funny how different children can be.
You are amazing!! Just tried this with my 14 month old son and it worked. He was fast asleep in 2 minutes. I’m so glad you shared this and that I read it. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
Oh yay! I’m so glad it worked!
Any tips on getting my 11 month old to sleep in her cot or at least through the night, she’s so restless. I manage to put her in her cot once she has fallen asleep but 45mins later she wakes up hysterical. Even when sleeping with me she wakes 3-4 times a night looking for her dummy or comfort….
Im not knocking your technique at all but, I have heard that babies from birth to 6 months can die of SIDS trying to match adult breathing. Reason being bc their tiny bodies need their short, more frequent breaths rather than our long, more spaced out ones. I am not 100% sure of this but, I am a recipient of WIC & we had to attend a class on SIDS. This was one of the things we were told. I just read that you have actually practiced this technique since birth so it worried me, having heard the SIDS warnings.
It is my understanding that an infant would attempt to match adult breathing while sleeping on an adults chest or co-sleeping with an adult. The goal of this technique to calm both the parent and the baby down for a very brief period of time (a few minutes), then to lay the baby down in his or her crib.
So are you sitting vertically holding him? We still have our two year old son sleeping in bed with us (which has to change as we’re expecting a little sister in Feb…). We’ve got into the bad habit of both me and my husband laying down with him to go to sleep – we naturally do deep breathing and he normally falls asleep pretty quickly, but unfortunately so do we!! Maybe that’s just being way too tired…but maybe vertically would allow us to stay awake 🙂
Yes. I am sitting vertically. I agree, I would fall asleep too if I were laying down!
I used to do this exact thing with my first! I started doing it as a way to calm myself, when he was miserable and teething. And of course, it helped him to calm down too. My second is a whole different matter. I have tried it with him a couple times, and he tries to get down or play. Should keep trying it. Never know, eventually maybe he’ll get the hint that bedtime means GOING TO SLEEP! ?
Haha. True!
We loved co-sleeping and this was mostly why. Babies relax and fall asleep to mom’s breathing. It’s also protection against SIDS according to many experts. Great tip for all ages!
Thank you so much for this advice. I tried this with my daughter 2 1/2today when she was having a temper tantrum. In minutes she was calm. Then in the evening my husband was having a hard time getting her to stay in bed and settle. I scooped her up and while she was protesting I just started deep breathing with her and within 5 minutes she was calm enough that I could get her to lie down. She was still awake when I left the room but fell asleep within minutes and didn’t attempt to get out of bed. I will use this for everything bedtime and behaviour related!!!!! kids need to learn to calm themselves and giving them those tools to do so is invaluable.
Much thanks again!!!!
Great post! Every parent hast those nights (or days) where their little one doesn’t want to go to bed. Since I work from home like you, nap time/bed time are like gold; that’s when I try to get most of my blogging done. I will try this technique next time I have trouble with my 15 month old. Thanks for sharing!
You’re so welcome! I’m glad this was helpful!
Thank you Lauren for this advice. I tried deep breathing with my toddler last night and he relaxed after 4 deep breaths! Then fell asleep after 30 minutes. I just hope it gets better. Our son has trouble falling asleep with me and could not relax even after 30 minutes ofstorytelling and cuddling. I assumed that because he was left by his biological mom while he slept, he’s afraid the same thing would happen if I put him to sleep. So aside from talking about our day, attachment talk and cuddling; deep breathing will now be a part of our bedtime routine. Thanks again!
Hi. Weena and Lauren,
When just the deep breathing and cuddling don’t work, you could try gently rocking your son in circles – 5 or 6 reps in each direction. It’s a technique that’s helpful for situations where there can be a phobia about something.
Wishing you well.
This is great, I will definitely have to try this. My son was sleeping through the night at 4 months. When he was 9 months, he was no longer sleeping through the night. He is now 1 year old and still with the terrible sleep. Last night I was up til after 2am with him (and even when that happens, he still wakes up at 7am sharp or earlier) I was in tears most of the night because I was so. damn. tired. I don’t know if it’s teething, or what it is but I hope this helps!
I had enough of fighting my 2 year old every night, and decided to do this exact thing yesterday and earlier tonight. It worked and I had no idea why. Getting a 6 month old and toddler to bed without them both keeping each other up is a new concept for me.
I’m so happy to find this post. Will be trying this tonight.
Thanks for the post.
I am so happy I found this post today. I thought I had tried everything to make bed time easier on all of us. I tried the deep breathing idea and it worked like a charm on my 4 year old son. I will be incorporating this into his bedtime routine from now on. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you for sharing!
I have read sooooo many posts to find out how to help my kid to go sleep and I have follow so many checklists and nothing has worked. My husband and I have been 2 months trying to get my 10 month old son to sleep every day with same schedule but it seems to not be working and lately it has gone worst. It seems he gets a panic attack every time he goes to sleep and cries uncontrollably. Not sure what it is but there is nothing that can help him unless I put him in my arms which is something I don’t want hime to get used to. Tonight I seriously felt hopeless so I walked away from the room to think straight and clear my mind. Somehow I found your post and I said to my self, maybe it works, lets try one more thing. So I did same breathing method with him and it worked ?. I was so happy and finally I felt like I was doimg something right. Thank you so much for sharing this post, it was like something that came down from heaven. Now I can sit and relax knowing he is sleeping and resting. Thnks again
Petra M.
You are so welcome! Thank you for sharing such an encouraging story!
I realized this by accident. I would pretend to sleep which entails deep breathing and bam..out like a light:).
This is a proven technique that does work. However, dad’s and father’s (not just mom’s and mother’s) can be just as effective with the hugging and deep breathing to comfort a child and get them sleeping. Dad’s and father’s never get enough credit!!
I have done this too!!! So glad to know I’m not alone with these “crazy mom ideas” ha! I thought of how families must have slept in Biblical times, all together in a tent. While leaning over my daughter’s crib, I thought surely a child would feel more calm & relaxed hearing a parent’s slow & relaxed breathing, just instinctively. Now that she’s older, sometimes when she gets in trouble or is seemingly heartbroken over something I hold her & do this hoping she will read that I am still calm and it will be ok 🙂
Love this, I learned this trick to help my husband to fall asleep years ago. I cuddled him, start breathing deeply and slower and slower longer breaths and he was out in like 2 minutes! So when my first born was struggling to fall asleep as a toddler, I cuddled in behind her, took big deep breaths…and ta da! Asleep in minutes. Later, all I had to do was lay a heavy hand on her back and start taking noisy deep breaths, slowly in/out, and she would be asleep promptly! Haven’t done this in awhile, but I will never forget the first time I figured it out while cuddling my husband! 🙂
This is a great tip! My son has been in and out of the hospital most of his 10 months here on earth, which I feel has contributed a lot to our sleep habits. Although recently after a month long break at home, he has done well, except for a few nights here and there. Which I am more than happy to kick my fiancé out of bed to bring the baby in to get that snuggle time, but that snuggle time ends up either turning into an outburst or a kick fest. I will definitely try the breathing technique next time! I have taken deep breathes in the past when next to him and it does seem to help calm him. I know he really feeds off my energy and I think has a higher sensitivity to it and being more in tuned because of him having Trisomy 21(Down Syndrome) I will definitely pay more attention to the breathing technique the next time we have trouble sleeping! Thanks for the tip!
Bridget
TheBreastfeedingmommy.com
Demi! Demi!!.. Calling on my girl already. Just need to try this out and see how it goes.
Nice job, Lauren
Hi Lauren.
I just recently had my first child at 22. Miss Ruby Rose will be 3 weeks old tomorrow. Me and my fiance have been having the hardest time getting her to lie down and go to sleep at night. She’s in the sleep all day up all night phase. When we do get her to finally fall asleep at night she typically only stays sleeping for up to an hour, then wakes up and cries. Even if I pick her up, feed her, burp her, change her and swaddle her she still does not want to fall back asleep. I’m also not sure on how to make her not sleep all day. Like I said this is my first child, and it’s only been three weeks. If you have any tips on what I should do to help it would be much appreciated. Thank you and God bless. 💙