Raising KidsInside: Wondering how to handle back talk and disrespect at home? 3 simple steps will immediately shift how your approach, bring understanding and create peace.
The back talk, disrespect and whining started the second he got into the car with me.
“I’m not eating that!” he scowled.
Apparently, the snack I brought didn’t cut the mustard. He tossed it onto the floor of the car, giving me the death-stare.
Motherhood. Is. Bliss.
Once we returned home, little did I know, the waterfall of emotions was only just beginning. I touched the blanket wrong. I sat in the wrong spot. I made dinner wrong. And worst of all, I breathed.
In his world, everything was horribly wrong and no one was going to talk him out of it.
I validated and coached him using this 3-part parenting approach. I firmly set some boundaries and helped him problem solve through the tumultuous feelings. I even used my surefire technique for how to stop a whining child.
And yet, the whining continued.
I was on the verge of going hulk mom (brutal honesty here). I can only take so much incessant whining and back talk before I’m about to lose it.
I realized what was going on.
Through my Language of Listening® training, I learned to dig deeper in these button pushing situations to see the big picture (which is super hard).
Because in those moments when you feel disrespected, you’re a hundred times more likely to feel the need to push back HARD rather than dig deep and hold steady.
There is so much behind the scenes work you do for your kids that they don’t see or understand. The laundry you’re folding at midnight. The job you’re working to earn money for the roof over their heads. The nights you can’t sleep because you’re worried about your kids’ breathing.
And man, you’re just plain tired.
The mere thought of digging deep in these situations only exhausts you more. It feels much easier to close the door on your child’s emotions (preferably one with a deadbolt lock).
But I promise, digging deep will change everything.
So…I started digging.
And what I discovered was startling.
Behind the child, who whined and refuted every seemingly inconsequential thing happening in our home, was a child who was asking me for one thing:
Help.
By taking a step back and shifting my perception, I was able to squeegee off the mud covering my eyes and see clearly.
Instead of a seeing a child personally attacking my every move, I saw a child who felt left out at summer camp and needed help processing that.
Instead of seeing a child talking with blatant disrespect, I saw a child who needed help to make a better choice in language.
Instead of seeing a child throwing a snack onto the floor of the car, I saw a child who needed help coping with anger.
Perception is everything.
Russel Barkley (a child psychology guru) nailed it when he said, “The children who need the most love will always ask for it in the most unloving ways.”
Kids really do ask for love (and help) in the most unloving (and irritating) ways. This is the hardest part of parenting: You have to look past those unloving behaviors to see what is really happening underneath the surface.
How to handle back talk and disrespect.
Backtalk, whining and disrespect is always about meeting a need for power. Which means, when a child is digging their heels into all these unfavorable behaviors, s/he is likely feeling powerless.
It was the one puzzle piece missing from my 1,000 piece jigsaw.
Once I found that piece, I was able to transform the way I handle backtalk and other misbehaviors…in 3 simple steps.
1) Shift perception.
When you shift perception and understand what is really happening, you’ll handle the situation differently.
Because if what you see is disrespect, you’ll react as if you’re being disrespected. But if what you see is a child asking for help, you’ll react as if someone genuinely needs help. So we aren’t changing your reactions, only your perceptions.
2) Fill that power cup.
One way I do this is by looking at my kids and saying, “You know, it looks like you’re angry about something and you just need to get it all out. When you’re angry, you can hit this cushion right here. You can take your fists and pound it right into the cushion. Like this…”
I show them (and honestly by this point I have anger to get out too) and I say, “I’m Angry!” and pound my fists into the cushion. The kids always find this entertaining, and they’ll pound their fists into the cushion too (in between trying to stay angry and giggling).
Related: The Easiest Way to Handle a Child Who Hits, Kicks or Bites
This simple exercise is a great way to break the tension and help you both get out frustration if you are both at your breaking point (aka about to go hulk mom).
In the past, some parents voiced concerns that I was promoting violence, but I chose this exercise for a reason: kids live almost completely in the physical world. Getting anger and frustration out in a physically safe way is a beautiful tool that works quickly.
Because I like to save this strategy for when we are at our breaking point, here are some calmer (and less physical) ways to fill your child’s power cup:
- Use these 4 words to diffuse a power struggle.
- Try this 4 step method.
- Use these routines to help kids feel in control.
3) Power first, teach second.
Until kids are able to get their anger and frustration out in some way, the logical brain will send an “out of office” reply. And this “out of office reply” will continue until the emotional brain finishes rifling through it’s paperwork and gets organized.
Once the emotional brain files away the anger, frustration and powerlessness, the logical brain turns back on and is available for messages about better choices.
Shortly after everyone is calm, I love to sit down next to my son and talk about difficult moments.
Just yesterday I inched next to him and said, “You came home today and you were so upset about everything. It was hard to figure that out. Next time when you come home frustrated and angry, you can hit the cushion, get some space in your room away from everyone or talk to me about what happened.”
You are a parenting warrior.
When I picked my son up from summer camp the next day, he hopped in the car, and I handed him the same snack that generated a death-stare the day prior. His shift was a complete 180 degrees:
“Wow. Thanks mom!” he smiled.
I looked back, nodded and half-smiled knowing what I knew all along:
It was never about me.
It was always about him. Simply needing one thing–help.
I want cry!
I also have a son, and when he doesn’t do anything he wants, he screams and attacks me, is there a solution?
Do your kids get anxious about going back to school? Learn how to cope with back to school anxiety .
Now that I have the information, I hope to have more information
You have a good point here! I totally agree with what you have said!! Thanks for sharing your views…hope more people will read this article!!!
For parents, raising children is always challenging and stressful. Every parent wants to instill in their kids the values of becoming decent, successful individuals.
Hello, thank you for sharing your story so I can open up about my story,
My son just straight ignores me. When I call his name he just don’t listen. Where I have to yell louder and louder and he just ignores me to the point I thought he couldn’t hear. It’s a constant war between him and I. To the point I start to cover my face just waiting for his out burst to make him just hit me. I was that mom that would said I would never let my kid hit me or act like that in public. Well did I get eat those words. My son’s are 21 16 and 3 and my older sons were so respectful and polite and nice and helpful with not much effort on my part they kinda just picked up the environment around them and acted like how they were treated. It just came naturally to them to just listen be respectful love their parents and when I said no they just listened and never did it again. They rarely got in trouble and everyone just loved and adored them. . While my 3 year is just disrespectful high energy non compliant. Just straight rude says shut up no, and the one that gets me the most mad is he wants to play hard with the dog while he don’t know how small the dog is and constantly want to chase and make the dog go crazy. He don’t know how to just leave the dog alone. It’s like soon as he sees him he has to chase him. And then tells me no or just ignores me. He is like a light switch on second all nice and lovely then like a switch goes off and he is just shouting throwing things screaming no. He will just hit me if I tell him something he doesn’t like. Both my husband and myself along with the support system of our entire family which includes grandparents brother uncle aunts cousins all have helped with keeping and instilling the values we believe and he just goes against everyone. He is nice to other children he plays well he doesn’t hit. He listens to my girlfriends when they are around. But he just wants to go against everything I say or do. It mentally exhausting wondering what I’m doing wrong and what I can do to change it. It’s literally making my heart heavy knowing I’m missing something. He destroys the whole house so I literally have no time for fun activities or to create a space for him to do fun activities. He throws everything, he dumps out my baskets of items I have around the house for items that need to be put away. He just does everything I don’t want him to to do. He won’t let me do dishes he hangs on my legs and says I want you. Then he dumps the baskets of clothes I just folded and need to be put away. He throws his toys down the steps. Omg he throws the 10 pillows of my bed at the dogs and laughs so hard and thinks it’s funny. I tried acting like he hurts my feelings as that worked with our other two sons but not this one. He don’t act like he cares at all. He thinks he is grown and no matter how many times I bring him in from playing outside cause he thinks he can just go out the gate into the breezeway out to the street. I can be outside with him and all the sudden he is outside the gate about to walk right into the street. So I bring him in explaining why he can’t do that and the same thing the very next time. He is super strong like to the point where if he becomes angry when he is older I would definitely feel unsafe cause how strong he really is. He is perfectly normal. He is not on the spectrum and he is just defiant rude out of control he can be so sweet where it’s like thank goodness your not this way all the time. I don’t think I could handle this constant. He like knows when he pushed my buttons to the max and then he starts being a loving little sweet boy again. Just to the point of my loosing it. His switch goes off and he is a totally different child. I need help desperately and I’ll try anything to get the day to go with fun activities and memories that are positive and not negative vibes consuming our every day with yelling tears and trips to the time out spot. Please help me so we can have a peaceful home that he can remember instead of memories that I want him to forget.