In many ways, military deployments are such a part of our lives now that I don’t even blink when it’s about to happen. Or at least that’s what I think in my mind. Then it actually happens, and I feel this overwhelming sense of stress, anxiety, distance and disgust with the whole thing.
Ugh.
Deployment.
How I loathe thee.
Each time my husband leaves for another military deployment, things start out the same way around here. Okay, maybe not exactly the same way, but reasonably close.
It’s my best (and possibly dysfunctional) effort to cope with our bizarre military lifestyle: the goodbyes and hellos, the coming and going, the homecoming and deployment cycle that seemingly never ends.
Surviving the first week of deployment.
It takes skill to operate at this level of crazy. But if you’re anything like me, you’ve got it down to a science. And if you’re still trying to figure it out, here’s my best version for surviving the first seven days of deployment.
Rage clean.
Clean the house incessantly top to bottom trying to clear your home of any sign of deployment. It’s almost as if you are washing (or wishing) it all away. Bleach will not eradicate a deployment, but try anyway. Deployment absolutely justifies a complete fumigation of your residence.
Make everything “just so.”
Get everything in the house exactly to your liking. Put the remote where you want it. Center the coffee table to align with the couch that your husband insists on moving all the time. Put away any remnants of gear vomit that plagued your home for the past several weeks. Don’t you feel better already?
Prepare for something to break.
Usually in the first week something will break. Murphy’s Law is a force to be reckoned with, and it’s sparing no mercy this time around. Take this one in stride, leaving it for another day or calling someone to fix it. You have rage cleaning to finish.
Ben and Jerry’s (Oh yes).
Since Ben and Jerry’s is going to take up regular residence in your freezer, you may as well grab a carton of Ben and Jerry’s to eat that first night. Scratch that. Better make it two cartons just to be safe. Nobody said drowning your sorrows in emotional eating didn’t have a time and place.
Plan extreme work out plan.
You plan out your extensive work out and weight loss plan for the deployment, but first, you fit in a few more nights of Netflix and pizza before getting started. You have the entire deployment in front of you, no need to work out for the first week.
Meltdown. Yes, really.
According to science, having a good cry releases stress and helps you feel better both physically and emotionally. In fact, people who don’t cry feel worse than their weepy counterparts. I like to think of it as starting deployment with a good emotional purge.
Think of it this way, each tear running down your cheek during deployment is another drop of emotional baggage you’re leaving behind.
It’s like therapy, only cheaper.
Related: Why Deployment Meltdowns Are Actually a Good Thing
Then, call your mother.
You have a good cry and then you call your mother to wallow in self-pity and to discuss. She always sees the best in you when you’re at your worst.
Because moms are amazing. Because moms make everything better. Because moms help you feel safe, loved — and above all else — perfect as you imperfectly are.
It’s time to turn it all around.
The end of your first week is near. You’ve cleaned and purged, rearranged the house, emotionally ate, cried to your mom, and emotionally ate some more, and then you realized that after all this self-destructive behavior, there is only one thing left to do…
Pull yourself together.
You remember all the fun things you enjoy doing by yourself.
You think of 25 self-improvement ideas to do during deployment.
You realize how independent and strong you really are, and you find some sense of emotional balance.
You make peace with the deployment and start to embrace all the things you can do on your own. You put on that song from Rocky and sing along to the lyrics…”Getting stronger, getting stronger.”
You write a “getting stronger” affirmation on your bathroom mirror in lipstick. Then you wipe it off, realizing you just spent 3 hours cleaning the whole dang house earlier this week. You start using these affirmation cards instead.
You stop feeling sorry for yourself and you start enjoying life as a military spouse.
You take a trip.
You call a friend.
You write a letter to your husband telling him how much you love him.
You think about cleaning the house again and then realize that can wait until just before homecoming. No one else will know the difference, right?
You drink wine.
You eat a steak or a salad or even a truffle maybe.
You smoke one cigarette and pretend you’re totally badass (then choke on the smoke).
And then you take a deep breath and say, “Bring it deployment. I’ve got this.”
I hope this is ok to ask but I am not a wife. I am a veteran and my wife is deployed. I have been on the other side and stayed busy. The time seemed to go by a lot quicker. On this side we have three kids 16, 13 and 4 two boys and a girl. I work full time and working on my masters. Its been a week since she has been gone and its so hard. I come home then when it is time to read our daughter a book before bed I just loose it and cry. When I would usually see her walk in the door or turn in bed to see her she is not there. The house is the same the smell is the same just not complete without her. Again I hope I am not over stepping I know this is military wife however I just needed somewhere to talk. I hope it is ok with you all. I just don’t understand. It is so much harder on this end. It is so hard.
This made me cry. I’m sorry you are/were going through this. I, personally, love to hear a man’s perspective on the matter, especially being a veteran yourself. It’s nice to know that it’s not just tough because I’m a “sensitive female” as some people might put it, but rather that it’s tough to lose a member of your team, no matter how long it may or may not be. This sh** is not easy, but what other choice do we have? I’m here to support my husband and my country, so I’ll pull up my big girl undies and roll on. After I have a good cry and a glass (or bottle) of wine, that is.
THANK YOU FOR THIS, I AM SO SCARED FOR THIS DEPLOYMENT BUT YOU’VE MADE IT LAUGHABLE.
HE LEAVES IN TWO WEEKS I FEEL LIKE A WRECK INSIDE!!!
Today is day one. I feel terrible because I couldn’t stop crying yesterday. I couldn’t keep it together today either. I’m just sad. I know it’ll get better, but right now it feels awful.
My boyfriend is a marine and his deployment was a 6 month deployment which I was fine with because he was deployed once before but his deployment has been extended twice and this website has really helped me deal with both of his deployments one. His first deployment was in Europe so I wasn’t so worried because it was smooth but right now he is in Afghanistan and I’m always anxious waiting for him to come home
Hi there, came across this as I’m prepping for my 4th deployment but first deployment with children. Just thought you might want to change the wording of “call your mother” for those of us who might not have a mother. I lost mine a couple years ago so this will also be my first deployment without her to talk to. Maybe “call your person, best friend, etc”. Might help avoid someone else crying at the thought of deployment…then losing it again over not being able to call their mom!
Thank you for writing this. So many helpful tips, said in a way that put a smile on my face, despite the tears, (not an easy thing to do, haha). After searching tons of websites, this helped the most.
And since I enjoy reading other people’s stories in the comments, I’ll add mine for the sake of anyone who does the same. I’m on day 5, out of 9 months… My husband and I met on opposite sides of the country and the first 2 years of our relationship were long distance (LD). We got married and it immediately began with more LD – basic training (3mo), AIT schooling (6mo), not being able to move in together at 1st duty base (due to covid), etc. We’ve been here for 2yrs now. I’ve suffered from depression ever since we joined, our baby just turned 1yr, and I’m 6mo pregnant. I’m a stress mess. I thought after what we’ve been through, LD-wise, that this would be “easier than we think”. I made it through the first 4½ days with optimism and not a single tear, (rare for me in such circumstances). And now after a fun-filled, social day, I’m a mess… Despite making friends and going to public gatherings, I feel completely alone. I just want to know that it gets better, but that’s the question: does it get better? I thought the first week would be the worst, so I thought I was doing great, but now that I’m nearing the end of it, and it seems to be getting worse each day; my optimism is quickly fading. Will it be like this for the rest of the 9mo? Emotional breakdowns, each day harder than the last? How much can a person handle? Does it get better? I’d like to be a rock for the other spouses who are going through the same, but can’t do that if I’m falling apart myself. Any input/advice is welcome <3