In many ways, military deployments are such a part of our lives now that I don’t even blink when it’s about to happen. Or at least that’s what I think in my mind. Then it actually happens, and I feel this overwhelming sense of stress, anxiety, distance and disgust with the whole thing.
Ugh.
Deployment.
How I loathe thee.
Each time my husband leaves for another military deployment, things start out the same way around here. Okay, maybe not exactly the same way, but reasonably close.
It’s my best (and possibly dysfunctional) effort to cope with our bizarre military lifestyle: the goodbyes and hellos, the coming and going, the homecoming and deployment cycle that seemingly never ends.
Surviving the first week of deployment.
It takes skill to operate at this level of crazy. But if you’re anything like me, you’ve got it down to a science. And if you’re still trying to figure it out, here’s my best version for surviving the first seven days of deployment.
Rage clean.
Clean the house incessantly top to bottom trying to clear your home of any sign of deployment. It’s almost as if you are washing (or wishing) it all away. Bleach will not eradicate a deployment, but try anyway. Deployment absolutely justifies a complete fumigation of your residence.
Make everything “just so.”
Get everything in the house exactly to your liking. Put the remote where you want it. Center the coffee table to align with the couch that your husband insists on moving all the time. Put away any remnants of gear vomit that plagued your home for the past several weeks. Don’t you feel better already?
Prepare for something to break.
Usually in the first week something will break. Murphy’s Law is a force to be reckoned with, and it’s sparing no mercy this time around. Take this one in stride, leaving it for another day or calling someone to fix it. You have rage cleaning to finish.
Ben and Jerry’s (Oh yes).
Since Ben and Jerry’s is going to take up regular residence in your freezer, you may as well grab a carton of Ben and Jerry’s to eat that first night. Scratch that. Better make it two cartons just to be safe. Nobody said drowning your sorrows in emotional eating didn’t have a time and place.
Plan extreme work out plan.
You plan out your extensive work out and weight loss plan for the deployment, but first, you fit in a few more nights of Netflix and pizza before getting started. You have the entire deployment in front of you, no need to work out for the first week.
Meltdown. Yes, really.
According to science, having a good cry releases stress and helps you feel better both physically and emotionally. In fact, people who don’t cry feel worse than their weepy counterparts. I like to think of it as starting deployment with a good emotional purge.
Think of it this way, each tear running down your cheek during deployment is another drop of emotional baggage you’re leaving behind.
It’s like therapy, only cheaper.
Related: Why Deployment Meltdowns Are Actually a Good Thing
Then, call your mother.
You have a good cry and then you call your mother to wallow in self-pity and to discuss. She always sees the best in you when you’re at your worst.
Because moms are amazing. Because moms make everything better. Because moms help you feel safe, loved — and above all else — perfect as you imperfectly are.
It’s time to turn it all around.
The end of your first week is near. You’ve cleaned and purged, rearranged the house, emotionally ate, cried to your mom, and emotionally ate some more, and then you realized that after all this self-destructive behavior, there is only one thing left to do…
Pull yourself together.
You remember all the fun things you enjoy doing by yourself.
You think of 25 self-improvement ideas to do during deployment.
You realize how independent and strong you really are, and you find some sense of emotional balance.
You make peace with the deployment and start to embrace all the things you can do on your own. You put on that song from Rocky and sing along to the lyrics…”Getting stronger, getting stronger.”
You write a “getting stronger” affirmation on your bathroom mirror in lipstick. Then you wipe it off, realizing you just spent 3 hours cleaning the whole dang house earlier this week. You start using these affirmation cards instead.
You stop feeling sorry for yourself and you start enjoying life as a military spouse.
You take a trip.
You call a friend.
You write a letter to your husband telling him how much you love him.
You think about cleaning the house again and then realize that can wait until just before homecoming. No one else will know the difference, right?
You drink wine.
You eat a steak or a salad or even a truffle maybe.
You smoke one cigarette and pretend you’re totally badass (then choke on the smoke).
And then you take a deep breath and say, “Bring it deployment. I’ve got this.”
The first deployment was hard for us. We just got married 2 months before & it was taking a toll on us as newlyweds. I spent most of the deployment sending him care packages. Sometimes he would get so many that if there was a delay in getting his mail that when he did pick up his mail he had way too much to carry back to his room. I think the non-stop boxes I sent helped us alot. I had no kids at this time or the 2nd deployment but this October will be our 3rd but with 2 sweet kids & this time I will throw myself into mom mode for the most part & definitely take a trip home!
My first deployment is coming up soon. While we aren’t married, this list helped so much already.
Thank you for this. My boyfriend leaves for basic training across the country the day after Christmas. It’ll be a new life for him, but a rough one for me. I will be reading this list a lot.
Thank you for this post… I am going through my first deployment and I thought I was losing it in the beginning. Glad to know it was normal
I’m going through my first deployment. My husband is going through his 7th or 8th. We were married in October. He got his orders a bit before we got married. The last place we wanted to go is the place they were sending us. Everything was perfectly fine until we began to PCS. His Christmas and Birthday gift to me was to take me to New Orleans on our way out west. While we were in the French Quarter, I get a call from my ex who proceeds to yell and scream at me because my parents’ home was on fire. To make it worse, my 3 lb dog they were keeping until we passed through didn’t make it. We made it to AZ and he started training. It was so bad, nothing was set up. He ended up teaching classes himself. After that was over, we headed to our final destination. He was supposed to have 4 weeks until deployment, enough time to get settled and get processed and blah, blah, blah. That was a joke. They decided to send him early, yet never processed him. Also we were to meet at a certain time, but they decided to send them 5 hours early, so we lost that little bit of time together. We show up the day he deploys for them not to have his VISA or his paperwork. The Major questions why he was there because he was under the impression he was leaving late. They rushed to put together his packet so he could deploy.
I had been a wreck for weeks whenever deployment was mention, even breaking down in a restaurant. When I left him, I went back to the house and was crying. I walked into the home, and immediately dropped my purse, phone and hit my knees and started crying hysterically. My mom called and couldn’t stand to hear me cry like that. My dad booked a plane ticket and flew out the next day to get me. It’s been a week since he left and it’s not any better. I honestly haven’t been able to sleep or eat. We want to have a baby, but certain circumstances causes to wait. We don’t know if we’ll be able to try when he gets back or not. He’ll deploy again around the time we’d be able to try. So it may take another year and half to even try. This is frustrating. He has five years left before retirement. I’m beyond frustrated. I wish there was away to change assignments. After being in an abusive relationship for 10 years, I never knew I could love someone as much as I do my husband. Nothing feels right when he’s gone!
This is the most accurate thing I have ever read. Currently 5 days into deployment.
I’m going through the first night of deployment. This was the third time he’s been home in two years. This was the longest leave my husband has had, just shy of a month, but this is the hardest first night I’ve personally had. It’s 2200 and all I can think about is getting into the alcohol and just drinking it all away but I know better (I can’t drink much). He’s called twice today and all I can think about is him using the bathroom and leaving the darn light on. I wanted to be with my best friend but I would feel like a burden (she’s still in college). All I can think about is going to bed soon but I don’t have the courage to sleep in our bed. Our dog is sleeping quite a bit and seems very sad, he loves my husband so much. He hasn’t eaten today and neither have I much. The first week is always the worst out of the entire deployment for me. Any advice for this first week?
Holy wow THANK YOU FOR THIS. I am in that first week and it feels so damn good to read that other women have and do feel the way I am. I’m totally emotionally eating but I know it will pass. And the “deployment mode” that they get into? I’ve seen it, and thank you for putting a name to it. This is so helpful!!
I miss my husband, he’s been gone now over a month and we still have 3 more to go! How can I get through this? Life isn’t as fun and time seems to stand still.