Inside: Wondering how to handle back talk and disrespect at home? 3 simple steps will immediately shift how your approach, bring understanding and create peace.
The back talk, disrespect and whining started the second he got into the car with me.
“I’m not eating that!” he scowled.
Apparently, the snack I brought didn’t cut the mustard. He tossed it onto the floor of the car, giving me the death-stare.
Motherhood. Is. Bliss.
Once we returned home, little did I know, the waterfall of emotions was only just beginning. I touched the blanket wrong. I sat in the wrong spot. I made dinner wrong. And worst of all, I breathed.
In his world, everything was horribly wrong and no one was going to talk him out of it.
I validated and coached him using this 3-part parenting approach. I firmly set some boundaries and helped him problem solve through the tumultuous feelings. I even used my surefire technique for how to stop a whining child.
And yet, the whining continued.
I was on the verge of going hulk mom (brutal honesty here). I can only take so much incessant whining and back talk before I’m about to lose it.
I realized what was going on.
Through my Language of Listening® training, I learned to dig deeper in these button pushing situations to see the big picture (which is super hard).
Because in those moments when you feel disrespected, you’re a hundred times more likely to feel the need to push back HARD rather than dig deep and hold steady.
There is so much behind the scenes work you do for your kids that they don’t see or understand. The laundry you’re folding at midnight. The job you’re working to earn money for the roof over their heads. The nights you can’t sleep because you’re worried about your kids’ breathing.
And man, you’re just plain tired.
The mere thought of digging deep in these situations only exhausts you more. It feels much easier to close the door on your child’s emotions (preferably one with a deadbolt lock).
But I promise, digging deep will change everything.
So…I started digging.
And what I discovered was startling.
Behind the child, who whined and refuted every seemingly inconsequential thing happening in our home, was a child who was asking me for one thing:
Help.
By taking a step back and shifting my perception, I was able to squeegee off the mud covering my eyes and see clearly.
Instead of a seeing a child personally attacking my every move, I saw a child who felt left out at summer camp and needed help processing that.
Instead of seeing a child talking with blatant disrespect, I saw a child who needed help to make a better choice in language.
Instead of seeing a child throwing a snack onto the floor of the car, I saw a child who needed help coping with anger.
Perception is everything.
Russel Barkley (a child psychology guru) nailed it when he said, “The children who need the most love will always ask for it in the most unloving ways.”
Kids really do ask for love (and help) in the most unloving (and irritating) ways. This is the hardest part of parenting: You have to look past those unloving behaviors to see what is really happening underneath the surface.
How to handle back talk and disrespect.
Backtalk, whining and disrespect is always about meeting a need for power. Which means, when a child is digging their heels into all these unfavorable behaviors, s/he is likely feeling powerless.
It was the one puzzle piece missing from my 1,000 piece jigsaw.
Once I found that piece, I was able to transform the way I handle backtalk and other misbehaviors…in 3 simple steps.
1) Shift perception.
When you shift perception and understand what is really happening, you’ll handle the situation differently.
Because if what you see is disrespect, you’ll react as if you’re being disrespected. But if what you see is a child asking for help, you’ll react as if someone genuinely needs help. So we aren’t changing your reactions, only your perceptions.
2) Fill that power cup.
One way I do this is by looking at my kids and saying, “You know, it looks like you’re angry about something and you just need to get it all out. When you’re angry, you can hit this cushion right here. You can take your fists and pound it right into the cushion. Like this…”
I show them (and honestly by this point I have anger to get out too) and I say, “I’m Angry!” and pound my fists into the cushion. The kids always find this entertaining, and they’ll pound their fists into the cushion too (in between trying to stay angry and giggling).
Related: The Easiest Way to Handle a Child Who Hits, Kicks or Bites
This simple exercise is a great way to break the tension and help you both get out frustration if you are both at your breaking point (aka about to go hulk mom).
In the past, some parents voiced concerns that I was promoting violence, but I chose this exercise for a reason: kids live almost completely in the physical world. Getting anger and frustration out in a physically safe way is a beautiful tool that works quickly.
Because I like to save this strategy for when we are at our breaking point, here are some calmer (and less physical) ways to fill your child’s power cup:
- Use these 4 words to diffuse a power struggle.
- Try this 4 step method.
- Use these routines to help kids feel in control.
3) Power first, teach second.
Until kids are able to get their anger and frustration out in some way, the logical brain will send an “out of office” reply. And this “out of office reply” will continue until the emotional brain finishes rifling through it’s paperwork and gets organized.
Once the emotional brain files away the anger, frustration and powerlessness, the logical brain turns back on and is available for messages about better choices.
Shortly after everyone is calm, I love to sit down next to my son and talk about difficult moments.
Just yesterday I inched next to him and said, “You came home today and you were so upset about everything. It was hard to figure that out. Next time when you come home frustrated and angry, you can hit the cushion, get some space in your room away from everyone or talk to me about what happened.”
You are a parenting warrior.
When I picked my son up from summer camp the next day, he hopped in the car, and I handed him the same snack that generated a death-stare the day prior. His shift was a complete 180 degrees:
“Wow. Thanks mom!” he smiled.
I looked back, nodded and half-smiled knowing what I knew all along:
It was never about me.
It was always about him. Simply needing one thing–help.
Print this free listening checklist.
This post comes with a free printable checklist to help with listening. I always have the hardest time remembering these phrases. This printable simplifies it!
Here is a sneak preview…
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- Download the checklist. You’ll get the printable, plus join 37,000+ parents who receive my weekly parenting tips and ideas!
- Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock would be ideal.
- Place it on your refrigerator. Check things off as you go and don’t forget a thing!
Want more posts on parenting?
- 2 Year Old Not Listening? Try This Remarkable Tip
- How to Stop Your Child From Whining – Immediately
- One Surefire Way to Stop Entitlement and Raise Kind Kids
- Tired of Slow Moving Kids in the Morning? This Is the Best Solution.
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Latasha Hubbard
Thank you so much for sharing these small tips. What stuck out to me the most was “So we aren’t changing your reactions, only your perceptions.” Look forward to reading more!!
Thanks,
Latasha
Kiwimum
Hi there,
Just wanted to express my deep gratitude for your posts on Pinterest which led me to this article. I have been using this strategy only a few days and it has been literally life changing. My daughter has been SO angry. I knew why but was really struggling to find a way to help her get her rational brain back in charge. I was using rewards/consequences consistently and just sticking at it with sheer grit. In the meantime, my daughter was still regularly blowing up and attacking me. Despite involving a psych, I was getting desperate to find a stratrgy that worked and my daughter was feeling angry and like a failure for not being able to control her temper. This really does work and for the first time in ages we are communicating and problem solving instead of her attacking and disrespecting me.
This morning she had her first day of school and both of us were very nervous. But we used the strategies and instead of footdragging, disrespect and hitting/kicking/scratching/biting/hairpulling, she talked to me and took advantage of the things she could control. We had a calm, co-operative, peaceful morning and I feel like I can finally help her, which was all I ever wanted to do. She did so well going to class that I actually still can’t quite believe it. From the bottom of my heart, thank you so very much!
Daphne
I agree with the listening part but disagree with teaching them they should punch something every time they’re angry.
There won’t be cushions everywhere they go. We need to teach them how to process their feelings.
Dita
This post made my cry. I had to go to toilet to hide because i was at the office. Thank you for this honest and sourceful post. I do understand now why my kid was kicking and hitting me when I cooked.
Lauren Tamm
I’m so glad this spoke to you, Dita.
julina
made me cry
Sidra Mohsin
dear Laura,
I just cant believe that how your tips are working and your analysis is so deep which made me realize that yes there’s a solution of every problem.. what we need to do is to meditate a bit deeper and see the other side of the picture.. your ideas are not only helping me to deal better with my kids but I’m applying them in my social circle and they are working!!! Thank you so much
Marite
Your article is just what i needed today!! Thank you!! I have to admit that I did become a hulk mom today. That’s what prompted me to search for ways to handle the back talk. I will for sure try your tips.
Whitney
Hello. I am a single mother to 4 children that lost their dad to prison within 24 hours. One day life was good with a good, loving, Christian dad and the next we we were in hiding because we found out he was living a very secret evil life. We will never see him again and i am left to pick up the pieces of my kids broken hearts. My kids have so. Much. Anger. I felt that the couple articles I have read are spot on. I have been through dozens of hours of counseling for all 5 of us and this is the approach my therapist uses. With play therapy and other things. Healthy ways to release anger (and no it doesn’t promote violence ?) are the goal. Anyways looking forward to signing up! Thank you!
Gloria Clark
Veronica my heart goes out to you. What a difficult path and journey for both you and those kiddos. I’m praying God will give Grace upon Grace to all of you and restore the harvest the locusts have eaten. I pray for continued healing for your children and strength and peace for you. You’re an amazing woman.
Peace.