Inside: Wondering how to handle back talk and disrespect at home? 3 simple steps will immediately shift how your approach, bring understanding and create peace.
The back talk, disrespect and whining started the second he got into the car with me.
“I’m not eating that!” he scowled.
Apparently, the snack I brought didn’t cut the mustard. He tossed it onto the floor of the car, giving me the death-stare.
Motherhood. Is. Bliss.
Once we returned home, little did I know, the waterfall of emotions was only just beginning. I touched the blanket wrong. I sat in the wrong spot. I made dinner wrong. And worst of all, I breathed.
In his world, everything was horribly wrong and no one was going to talk him out of it.
I validated and coached him using this 3-part parenting approach. I firmly set some boundaries and helped him problem solve through the tumultuous feelings. I even used my surefire technique for how to stop a whining child.
And yet, the whining continued.
I was on the verge of going hulk mom (brutal honesty here). I can only take so much incessant whining and back talk before I’m about to lose it.
I realized what was going on.
Through my Language of Listening® training, I learned to dig deeper in these button pushing situations to see the big picture (which is super hard).
Because in those moments when you feel disrespected, you’re a hundred times more likely to feel the need to push back HARD rather than dig deep and hold steady.
There is so much behind the scenes work you do for your kids that they don’t see or understand. The laundry you’re folding at midnight. The job you’re working to earn money for the roof over their heads. The nights you can’t sleep because you’re worried about your kids’ breathing.
And man, you’re just plain tired.
The mere thought of digging deep in these situations only exhausts you more. It feels much easier to close the door on your child’s emotions (preferably one with a deadbolt lock).
But I promise, digging deep will change everything.
So…I started digging.
And what I discovered was startling.
Behind the child, who whined and refuted every seemingly inconsequential thing happening in our home, was a child who was asking me for one thing:
Help.
By taking a step back and shifting my perception, I was able to squeegee off the mud covering my eyes and see clearly.
Instead of a seeing a child personally attacking my every move, I saw a child who felt left out at summer camp and needed help processing that.
Instead of seeing a child talking with blatant disrespect, I saw a child who needed help to make a better choice in language.
Instead of seeing a child throwing a snack onto the floor of the car, I saw a child who needed help coping with anger.
Perception is everything.
Russel Barkley (a child psychology guru) nailed it when he said, “The children who need the most love will always ask for it in the most unloving ways.”
Kids really do ask for love (and help) in the most unloving (and irritating) ways. This is the hardest part of parenting: You have to look past those unloving behaviors to see what is really happening underneath the surface.
How to handle back talk and disrespect.
Backtalk, whining and disrespect is always about meeting a need for power. Which means, when a child is digging their heels into all these unfavorable behaviors, s/he is likely feeling powerless.
It was the one puzzle piece missing from my 1,000 piece jigsaw.
Once I found that piece, I was able to transform the way I handle backtalk and other misbehaviors…in 3 simple steps.
1) Shift perception.
When you shift perception and understand what is really happening, you’ll handle the situation differently.
Because if what you see is disrespect, you’ll react as if you’re being disrespected. But if what you see is a child asking for help, you’ll react as if someone genuinely needs help. So we aren’t changing your reactions, only your perceptions.
2) Fill that power cup.
One way I do this is by looking at my kids and saying, “You know, it looks like you’re angry about something and you just need to get it all out. When you’re angry, you can hit this cushion right here. You can take your fists and pound it right into the cushion. Like this…”
I show them (and honestly by this point I have anger to get out too) and I say, “I’m Angry!” and pound my fists into the cushion. The kids always find this entertaining, and they’ll pound their fists into the cushion too (in between trying to stay angry and giggling).
Related: The Easiest Way to Handle a Child Who Hits, Kicks or Bites
This simple exercise is a great way to break the tension and help you both get out frustration if you are both at your breaking point (aka about to go hulk mom).
In the past, some parents voiced concerns that I was promoting violence, but I chose this exercise for a reason: kids live almost completely in the physical world. Getting anger and frustration out in a physically safe way is a beautiful tool that works quickly.
Because I like to save this strategy for when we are at our breaking point, here are some calmer (and less physical) ways to fill your child’s power cup:
- Use these 4 words to diffuse a power struggle.
- Try this 4 step method.
- Use these routines to help kids feel in control.
3) Power first, teach second.
Until kids are able to get their anger and frustration out in some way, the logical brain will send an “out of office” reply. And this “out of office reply” will continue until the emotional brain finishes rifling through it’s paperwork and gets organized.
Once the emotional brain files away the anger, frustration and powerlessness, the logical brain turns back on and is available for messages about better choices.
Shortly after everyone is calm, I love to sit down next to my son and talk about difficult moments.
Just yesterday I inched next to him and said, “You came home today and you were so upset about everything. It was hard to figure that out. Next time when you come home frustrated and angry, you can hit the cushion, get some space in your room away from everyone or talk to me about what happened.”
You are a parenting warrior.
When I picked my son up from summer camp the next day, he hopped in the car, and I handed him the same snack that generated a death-stare the day prior. His shift was a complete 180 degrees:
“Wow. Thanks mom!” he smiled.
I looked back, nodded and half-smiled knowing what I knew all along:
It was never about me.
It was always about him. Simply needing one thing–help.
Print this free listening checklist.
This post comes with a free printable checklist to help with listening. I always have the hardest time remembering these phrases. This printable simplifies it!
Here is a sneak preview…
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Want more posts on parenting?
- 2 Year Old Not Listening? Try This Remarkable Tip
- How to Stop Your Child From Whining – Immediately
- One Surefire Way to Stop Entitlement and Raise Kind Kids
- Tired of Slow Moving Kids in the Morning? This Is the Best Solution.
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Christina
I love this and have tried all this with my 4 year old. Sometimes it works, but other times it’s much deeper than I think he can understand. How can I get to the bottom of what is bothering a 4 year old. We have even been in therapy but they say he is too young for them to talk to about where the problem is stemming from.
V Williams
HI Christina, if I could make a suggestion… I don’t know where you live but have you tried Play Therapy? PT is a way that children can express themselves through play, ie. toys, sand etc that the child would, “tell a story” of what is going on. in their lives. I hope this helps— V.
Bozo
When my kids were younger and still to this day ( they are 11 & 13) I never spoke to them like children. I find that we don’t require enough of our kids and think their capabilities are next to nothing. I didn’t like how restrictive my childhood was IE school and factored that in whenever they were chippy.
Sally
Our 4-year old granddaughter that stays with us two mornings a week, and occasionally other times seems to react to stress differently. She won’t answer when we chat and ask her a question, will not even look at an acquaintance that we happen to see, and forget about any response. She always has a good time with us, we play the entire time, but she would rather exclude me and only have Poppy to herself, tho she did tell him she missed me when I was gone one day. Last night we were asked to go along trick or treating by our her mommy and daddy, along with another child and her family. Our granddaughter would not even acknowledge our existence ( I know she wanted to be with her friend), but she actually was mean and said we could leave —and she is not like this to anyone but us?? I’m an adult, granted, but it is really becoming hurtful in public… I honestly don’t know what to do — should someone be forcing respect and kindness — which would just become a power struggle? Honestly, I’m broken- hearted, but we have a good time when she’s just with us, tho she definitely favors poppy. Our method of dealing with her is usually “well, when this is done?? , then we will…” and we’ve been nonchalant and then she acquiesces (like taking her plate to the sink after eating) and has does it all of the time after that. Help, please…
Shannon L
Great post! So, true! They haven’t learned how to communicate effectively or appropriately, yet and need guidance in how to do so. I agree with so much of this! It really is worth the work!
van insurence
I just started “The Hiding Place” by Corrie Ten Boom. I’ve only read a few pages, but I’m kind of dreading reading more…only because I know that I’ll cry, and I’m not sure I have the emotional energy for that! :0)
Chryestie
This is just what I needed right this moment. Over the weekend in a flash my sweet tolerant just turned three year old went holy smokes monsterous on me. Hitting me, yelling no, sticking his tongue out. I did time outs, every disciplinary action I could think of. NOTHING worked.
Monday I sat down with myself because I can’t go on this way with him..we’ll be living in freaking time out. I decided to be gentle, we had a rough weekend, I don’t know why. though in thinking about it, from his point of view, we turned his world upside down, with preschool and daddy starting to travel.
I picked him up from daycare. he lost his mind when I turned left, and he wanted to go right. Explained multiple times and multiple ways that we were going home and he wanted dinner right. Got that calmed down. Then when I pulled in the driveway he lost it that we weren’t going to keep driving. Explained again. (it’s a 7 minute drive, by the time we got out of the car we were at 30 minutes)
Daddy came out to garden which distracted my unrecognizable child. child went to play with daddy. I went in and got dinner going.
Gardening which involved mixing different types of dirt helped him calm down. When he came in and I had to say no again..he hit me and I just said, that really hurts mommy, please don’t hit me anymore. He hugged me, said sorry, and I haven’t been hit since.
Thanks again for some tools that will keep me sane and help him learn.
Lauren Tamm
You are so welcome!
Connie
I feel for you Chryestie because my 4 yo son is the same. He didn’t start becoming physical until he just turned 4 last month. When he doesn’t get his way which is a few times a day, he will scream and hit/pinch/kick me and wow it’s quite shocking. I have told him that it hurts me and that I don’t like it and he will take a moment but continue to stay angry and I give him the space to calm down…he will eventually come around and hug me and say sorry but this situation will happen again the next time he is frustrated, angry, etc…..help!
Louise
This brought me to tears. It was like you’d been in our house and watched what goes on. THAnk you for helping me understand more.
Lauren Tamm
Oh mama, hugs to you. I’ve been there too.
Veronica Mitchell
Your post moved my heart, especially this line “Behind the child, who whined and refuted every seemingly inconsequential thing happening in our home, was a child who was asking me for one thing: Help.” Your post is an eye opener and a great reminder to step back, breathe and pay attention to our children. Thanks for sharing this!
Lauren Tamm
Thank you, Veronica!
Kerry
Whether we are children or adults, we all want to be heard and have our feelings validated. As parents, it’s often hard to remember this in the middle of a whining session. But I’ve found it helpful for me and my preschooler if I can take a step back and try to remember the importance of validation.
Lauren Tamm
You are absolutely right, Kerry. Validation is often the missing step.
Faujimom
Very well written post. Great help for parents.
Lauren Tamm
Thank you for your kind words.