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To the Mom of a Spirited Toddler, You Are Stronger Than You Think

I had this dream once. My strong willed toddler woke up and the entire day there wasn’t a single tear shed. It was a totally awesome dream. Unfortunately, most days that dream is a far cry from reality. Raising a spirited toddler isn’t that easy. 

Most days you probably see me walking from my car to the house carrying a toddler under my arm like a sausage. Can you visualize it? Toddler under one arm. Three bags of groceries in the other. He’s crying.

You’re not going to believe this, but he’s mad that I won’t let him drive the car. Yep, he’s two going on 30, and he wants to drive. He wants to sit in the driver’s seat and turn the wheel, turn on the wipers, beep the horn and flash the lights.

It’s kind of adorable unless you have somewhere to be on time, of course.

Or unless random men start yelling at you for letting your kid play with the lights because “he’s going to break something, and he’s going to cause your battery to die.” Yeah. Thanks random dude. Moms never think of that stuff.

Parenting toddler boys - 3 crucial steps every parent should know

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In addition to carrying around a crying toddler (over driving of all things!), you probably saw me in the elevator with him too. He was laying on the elevator floor sobbing his little eyes out. In case you’re wondering, he’s still upset over not being able to drive.

I’m sure you can imagine what I was thinking. I thought about how embarrassing it was to have a toddler throwing an epic meltdown in public. I thought about how everyone was looking at me, wondering what in the world possessed this child to throw such a temper tantrum.

The days of raising a spirited toddler.

These are the days I pray that onlookers don’t think I’m the world’s worst mom. I pray they know that I empathize with my toddler’s very big emotions more than anyone. I pray they know I really am trying here.

Raising a spirited toddler will do that to you—encourage you to pray. Encourage you to try harder. And motivate you to empathize. Parenting a spirited toddler forces you to see things through the eyes of a little boy who just wants to be like mommy. A little boy who just wants to live life like a free spirit.

He wants to climb on the counter.

Throw food in the air.

Pee on the floor.

Eat a little bit of dirt every once and a while.

You know, the good stuff?

Related: Two Words That Will Tame Temper Tantrums – Every Time

Most days.

Most days a raising spirited child will test your patience to no end. You will do all the right things: Convey empathy and patience, use positive parenting, offer choices yet firm consequences, limit screen time, play intentionally and so much more.

Some days are tough though. You do all the right things, and still there are temper tantrums and epic meltdowns. Most of course are reserved only for moments in public when everyone is watching you. The grocery store. The bank. You know, places where lot of people are watching?

Printable positive affirmation cards for moms who need encouragement and inspiration

Those are the days you become a resilient mom. When you become more patient than you ever imagined. You quietly pick up your toddler, empathizing with his desire to buy candy and what not…

“Believe me. I really wish we could buy candy right now too buddy. It’s hard.”

The whole time you’re secretly thinking, mommy could really use some candy right now. Seriously, just one bite of a king size Snickers would really help. Yeah, I’ve so been there. More times than I wish actually.

Related: 2 year old not listening? Try this remarkable tip.

But here’s the thing…

You can do all the right things, parent like a champ, channel your mommy warrior and be the best that you can be, and your toddler still will only listen some of the time. Your strong willed child still will behave imperfectly and throw bedtime tantrums sometimes because that is what toddlers do. They are learning and testing to understand the world. They have big emotions because when life is new, everything is a big deal.

It’s normal.

It’s normal.

Really, it’s normal.

Stay strong, mama.

Today my spirited toddler and I are going to come home from running errands. Today again he will want to sit in the front seat, ‘start’ the car, and push all the fun buttons. He will want to do all the fun stuff that mommy does.

And today I’m going to let him.

He’s going to be the happiest kid in the world for 10 minutes while he turns the radio on and off, ‘drives’ the steering wheel, flashes the lights, and turns the wipers on. Some random guy is probably going to yell at me, and I’m going to tell him to go away and be quiet.

The best advice for moms raising a strong willed child

And when it’s time to go inside my sweet, sweet spirited child going to scream his little head off. I’m going to carry him inside like a sausage under my arm with three bags of groceries my other hand, and people are going to stare and watch. He will probably cry in the elevator too. It’s okay.

Because that is what raising a spirited toddler is like sometimes.

Toddlers cry.

And moms help them pick up the pieces and carry them home.


Print this free toddler listening checklist.

This post comes with a free printable checklist to help with toddler listening. I always have the hardest time remembering these phrases. This printable simplifies it!

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Reader Interactions

40 Comments

  1. Oh my gosh, I can totally relate! My 3 year old is strong-willed and my days have sounded like yours for the past year. She had a complete meltdown when dessert was gone at the restaurant last night! We just have to roll with the punches and enjoy those little moments of bliss that make it all worthwhile.

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      • When my now 35 yr old was 2 she threw herself on the floor at the checkout in the commissary, ladies stood around this poor child, making their comments . I walked up to them and said I’m her mother you can stand there and contribute to her bad behavior as for me I’m leaving and I walked away( keeping an eye on my child as I did so) and it’s a miracle she stopped throwing her little fit and cam running after me..their little r big fits. are just
        for show!! She never did it again

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  2. Thank you! I absolutely love reading these articles! As i sit here holding back the tears and frustration with my two year old little man at my feet and my cold dinner and last glass of wine in the house in front of me! I love knowing im not the only one!

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  3. Thankyou for writing this- I often feel alone as my 3.5 year old has been a hard work toddler and now pre-schooler. I used to always think that he saved his most extravagant tantrums and bad behaviour for public displays, but when I think of it as you write it- life is BIG for little people. My son thinks he is 7 like his sister, that brings its own challenges. Too often I berate myself for inadequate parenting skills, and really beat myself up over it…what am I doing wrong???? It was one day in the shops that an older lady (not the ones who usually tsk tsk at you and shake their head), came up to me and rubbed my arm affectionately and said “You are doing a great job”. Hi five random stranger lady! Thanks to that one act of random kindness, my anxiety dissolved. Now I still worry about my parenting skills, but now I feel like saying to the frowners who watch judgementally, walk a mile in my shoes…

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  4. This was the cutest story ever! Made me laugh because my boys are the same way and I felt like you were telling my story 🙂 I really do hate when outsiders butt in though, because you’re absolutely right, toddlers are toddlers and they all do it! It’s just funny how we feel embarrassed, we really shouldn’t, it’s just life. Thanks for sharing! I loved reading this!

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    • Thanks Samantha! You made my whole day with your encouraging words. Really, you did. Life with a toddler is hard sometimes, but we all can unite as mothers are relate to those tough times, and yet, still know that it’s incredibly rewarding and worth it. Thanks again.

      Lauren

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  5. My last child of six wanted to drive from 10 months old. He would climb on the toilet and up into the sink to drive our round faucet handle. At two he pulled himself up on the big side mirror support of our full size GMC van and climb in the open window so he could drive the car. (and released the brake so it rolled into the gutter). He would not be contained in the carseat. ( the one that three other of our children used and never could get out.) I tried food, treats, toys, threats, spankings, nothing worked, until I told him that if he stayed in the carseat, he could sit on my lap and drive the car up the driveway. He would stay in that carseat for HOURS with just the promise of driving for 2 minutes! At age twelve, he didn’t understand why he couldn’t drive. He knew all the laws and how to operate the car! I found out years later, that his older siblings were letting him drive in our church parking lot when it was empty! And yes, he is now a really good driver!

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  7. I am right there with you mama! One of my close friends (no children for her yet) told me yesterday that I may want to consider helping my daughter learn to control her emotions because she goes from 0-100 when she becomes frust rated or doesn’t get her way. I responded as nicely as possible but was thinking in my head, “she’s a toddler, give her some time.”

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  8. I rarely comment on posts, but this one was so spot-on and encouraging, I just wanted to thank you for sharing! I will be following you on Pinterest!

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  9. I remember those days! Thankfully, kids grow up and things get better. But–sometimes even big kids throw tantrums, and we moms have to be tough. I figure that anyone who criticizes a mom of a toddler has either never had kids, or it’s been way too long since they’re kids were little!

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  10. I read this blog and was literally laughing out loud. My toddler is four now and he was introduced to all the cool parts of the car about a year ago, when daddy was cleaning it out after I had given birth to our second child on the way to the hospital IN THE CAR. That’s a whole different story, but the point is that my four year old just loves spending time in the car playing with the steering wheel, blinkers, horn, locks, etc. You name it, he wants to play with it. Just recently, he discovered that the back window of his dad’s car went down like the rest of the passenger windows. Well, the back window went down until the motor died from putting it up and down so much. Sorry, dad! The reality is that he’s having fun, but what I dread is what will happen to his temperament when I tell him time is up. Sometimes, he has an all out meltdown and I am also the mom carrying the child like a sausage. He’s one heavy sausage, too! Other times, he handles the news like a champ and comes right inside. Typically, he responds well to the timer on my cell phone. Once it goes off (and, trust me, I give him plenty of notice), I let him turn it off and carry my phone inside. I quickly redirect him to something new and all is calm, most of the time! 🙂

    I am also a military wife and stay at home mom. I just started a blog and hope to connect to other moms like you! I enjoy reading your blogs! Please visit mine at http://www.journalmom.com. Thanks!

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  11. I loved reading this today. My two year old has big emotions, everyone knows when she is upset, excited, sad, worried, etc. At a small restaurant today, I left her with my sister to take my eldest to the bathroom. When we returned to the table, my two year old screamed at the top of her lungs with glee. Literally the entire restaurant looked our way in shock. No one knew why she was screaming, except for me. I could read the thoughts of those around me- what did that mom do?! Can’t that mom contain her child? I received some glares, some disapproving looks, even some comments from some who said “it’s ok” as if she was screaming from discontent. I empathized with her, acknowledging her happiness and told her I was happy to see her too. Now just have to get her to understand what an inside voice is:) lol.

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  12. This is great! I realized how wise my daughter is when, working in child care, she noted, “It’s hard being two.” Absolutely! We often to forget to look at the world through their eyes.

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  13. Funny I should read this tonight. My 19 month old is very strong willed and independent, and at the moment anything, or nothing, can set her off into a tantrum, and in those cases nothing will settle her.
    Tonight we were having dinner in a burger place, full of kids (it being a school findraiser), and she had one of her tantrums as soon as we sat her down. The man sitting next to us had the audacity to tell me and my husband to pick her up and stop her crying. She had been crying literally 60 seconds. And in cases like this she will currently get worse if we try to cuddle her etc. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. But he was a parent too – he had his two teenage kids sitting with him. We’re they so perfect they never had an outburst at that age? Or did he just never let them leave the house? One thing that made me feel slightly better was an employee coming up and saying he couldn’t believe what the man had said to us.
    You are right, sometimes it is hard and you must try do the best you can, but other people can make it so much harder.

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  14. My grand baby (2) had one of those epic fits in Olive Garden tonight. yay! not. so I took her out, and she rolls on the sidewalk like a gator, screaming her lungs out. People who have or had kids, look at me sympathetically, while teens and young adults look at us horrified. After 25 agonizingly long minutes, she shed her final tear, got up, and calmly walked inside and ate her dinner. whew! Then we went potty, she threw away her diaper, and Mommy had not brought a new one! oops! Rush her out before she flashes any more people!

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  15. I am a grandmother raising my two grandsons, my four year old is very strong willed he wants to do everything for his self he wants to run around the store not get in the cart ,he is too big for that ! then he wants to go into the mens bathroom by him self , I take him into the womens and he will throw a fit hen he will get down and look under doors very very emberacing , I even take my seven year old into the bathroom with me he trys to help me with his brother but he is so hard to control when he wants something he gets so mad and screams like you are hurting him when all I am doing is trying to stop him , he was bad when he was two but he is really gotten worse senice he went to school, it is like they have taught him to be too indapindent he is only four and he thinks he is old enough to do everything by him self . I just want to keep him indapindent but yet I need to keep him safe . My husband gets very emberaced when he throws his fits he will drop everything and take him out of the store, restron, ect and go home . I put up with him all the time he works a lot so he only with him on weekends . I have learned to try and ditract him with letting him telling me what is on the list of things we need or I will bring snacks with us to keep him busy with . so don’t feel bad about your two year old things will get better and just take a deep breath and ask God to give you the strangth to get through the day .

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  16. Oh yes, I can relate. I have a 7 yr old girl who since birth lived life large and loud, and a 4yr old boy who is just getting to the peak of his emotional rollercoaster. And going shopping is always an adventure, More times than I can remember, I have people tell me that my life must never be boring, Not only are their distraught moments epic, but their happy ones too, so I will have the trolley with the two children giggling / singing / engaging with their imaginary friends at the top of their lungs. Or wailing / hiding under the check out counter / sobbing while being carried out of stores.

    And it develops character, I have more patience now than I even dreamed was possible. And I’m sure God is going to give me the opportunity to develop a whole bunch more when the teens hit. But I make sure to giggle with the good times, and let my galloping dinosaur / soaring plane carry the tissues out of the store not matter the odd stares as it is those moments that make life fun and lighten the load.

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  17. Oh man! I can so relate! I feel so despondent some days – my son wants everything his way. I am trying to teach him that he can’t always do everything one day (and someday he will need to submit his will to Gods Will). But for now, patience is everything! He will be a great great leader one day – I just wish he would realise that he it won’t be today! not yet at 3 years old! :- )

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  18. So true! I like this line, “These are the days I pray that onlookers don’t think I’m the world’s worst mom. I pray they know that I empathize with my toddler’s very big emotions more than anyone. I pray they know I really am trying here.” This is exactly what I feel every time my son would throw tantrums in public… 🙁

    Thanks Laura!

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  19. Oh my gosh. I always thought something is wrong with her or even myself. She is so insane and it’s so hard to raise her sometimes. I have a 2 year old, a one year old, and a one month old. I need advice on how to get her to listen, what to do when she dumps her snacks out, how to discipline. Somebody please help me 😭

    reply to comment

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Love the listening course and the routine card printables and listening workbook so far. Listening has been our biggest challenge lately. My son was flat out just ignoring our voices. I started implementing the strategies yesterday and it was such smooth sailing all day long. Not only that, but the empathy statements and “turning a no into a yes” actually had my three year old saying “okay, mom” happily and complying right away without fighting or tears, by the end of the day! And it has worked wonders for my mood and frustration level when the arguing and tears are not averted. Trying to keep the 5:1 ratio has made me realize what a bad habit I’d fallen into. It becomes so easy to give commands and warnings and issue no’s, that you forget to take notice of the good! I feel so much better, as a mom, now that I’m intentionally encouraging my kid for his strengths. Thank you so much!

Ashlee Overdick

I have been reading your blog now for a few months and I really respect your advice and ideas. I also signed up for your “better listening” email series and have been learning a ton and working on implementing your advice with my 21 month & 3 1/2 year olds. They are responding well and I am looking particularly forward to working through these strategies with my youngest. He is as sharp as a tack and just coming into his own now. These tools are great and it’s awesome to have been equipped with  them right as he’s coming into the defiance stage. I feel much more confident in my ability to manage the challenges of this stage now. Thank you!

Megan Schrag

I picked up these routine cards this week from The Military Wife and Mom because my 3 year old tends to put up a fight when getting ready to leave the house, or go to bed. Or eat a meal. Or start her day. These made a HUGE difference in like one day.

Instead of reminding and counting down and trying to avoid meltdowns, last night we sang the Olaf song as she cheerfully picked out her Olaf underwear and put them on.

This morning she pumped her fist and said, “the last one is ‘comb hair!’” before she came into the bathroom and started brushing her own hair. I’m sold! I truly love these and think any toddler mom could benefit!

Heather Goffrier

I’m loving receiving your emails. What strategies you suggest are common knowledge, but having the time to sit back and think about them is another thing.  I have used the 2 choices a lot this week. It’s amazing how it can work. Our power struggles have decreased, kids have been getting along together better. I know it has been only a week, but it feels like a massive change. I wish I had have signed up for emails 3 weeks ago and used the strategies on their school holidays lol.

Jacqui

Right before I gave up, I came across your site from Pinterest. My heart sunk and I signed up for your daily email list of listening. Every morning I received an email from you before I got out of the bed for the day, which couldn’t have been more perfect and encouraging to start the days. I immediately put your advice in action. My husband and I saw a different child within minutes. It’s been a few weeks since I started and the list could go on! I’m really grateful I came across your site! It changed my relationship 180°. Thank you said so much! I’ve already shared your link with my family and friends! I think every parent needs to read this!

Nikki Olson

Oh my goodness. I needed this so much. I stumbled upon another post of yours on Pinterest, and it lead me here. My 2 year is soooo strong willed. This had me in tears because finally someone gets it! Without wanting to admit it… I needed some help. Thank you so much for putting this out there.

Kelly C.

I am so glad I came across your blog. This really opened my eyes as to why my nearly 2 year-old son will not listen. I was reaching my limit with him not listening, and the techniques you share here are exactly what I need.

Jayne

A quick thank you while my 15 month old son is sleeping. So glad I found you on my motherhood journey.  After 17 years of being childless (but envisioning a future life with a calm and peaceful soul), I gave birth at 43 to a larger-than-life, highly spirited, vocal baby whom I couldn’t relate to. Everyday has been a challenge to meet his ever increasing needs.  Your guidance has helped organize me and prepare me mentally more than any other blog or support group, thank you.

Dayna T.
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