Raising Kids
I stood in the elevator looking down at my strong-willed toddler on the floor. He sat up, swung his head backwards and let out another ginormous “WAAAAAAAA.”
When the elevator stopped on the third floor my heart skipped 3 beats before sinking into the abyss of anxiety in my stomach. The doors opened to another family needing to ride the elevator. As they stepped on, the look on their faces said. it. all.
Their jaws opened wide enough to fit a softball.
For a split second, I imagined gently placing my hands under their jaws to help close their mouths. This was—after all—a toddler crying in an elevator, not an elephant walking a tightrope.
But I knew this was a moment, as a parent, to employ a sliver of leadership and self-control, not to act like a child myself.
I knelt down to my toddler, waited until our eyes locked, and said a few calm but firm words to help get us through floors 4 through 8.
As the elevator reached the 8th floor, I picked my son up off the floor, half-smiled to the gawking onlookers, and confidently marched to my apartment door.
What parents of strong-willed toddlers should know.
Parenting a strong-willed toddler is tough work. You feel like there is nothing you can do to turn your defiant or spirited child into a cheerfully obedient little person.
You feel embarrassed by the onlookers and wonder if it’s only your kid that is prone to power struggles.
It’s exhausting, and maybe you’re feeling a bit of an angry mom because each day is an ordeal. You’re clinging to a gazillion different positive affirmations to convince yourself this is all going to be fine.
It has to be fine, right?!
Some days you want to grab a bag of miniature Reese’s and hide under the comforter in your master bedroom.
This is your happy place and your twenty-one-year-old-self has no idea who you are anymore.
But I know you.
I know you because I am just like you. And, my friend, there are three things that you must absolutely, without a doubt, know about parenting a strong-willed toddler.
You are raising a natural born leader.
According to a 2015 study conducted by the American Psychological Association, stubborn children who defy authority are more likely to become academic overachievers and high-earning adults.
In fact, rule breaking and defiance of parental authority was the best non-cognitive predictor of higher income later in life.
Strong-willed kids are not easily swayed.
They are the ones who will become business owners and emergency room charge nurses and school principals and police commissioners. The children who were once prone to power struggles will become trusted leaders in their communities.
And here’s the thing…
Raising a leader requires extraordinary parenting. Your child doesn’t just need a normal amount of patience and guidance from you. He needs extraordinary patience and guidance.
Inside, he has all these powerful feelings, thoughts and ideas swirling around like a vegetable medley, and he has no idea how to turn the heat down from a boil to a simmer.
Raising a natural born leader means your child needs you. Yes, it’s trying and exhausting. But the work you are doing is laying the foundation to help your child craft those leadership skills and put them to good use one day.
Setting limits is all about helping your strong willed toddler discover ways to channel all the intense emotions and passions.
Here are some step-by-step approaches:
- The Big Reason Why Setting Limits With Your Strong-Willed Child Isn’t Working
- Dealing with Controlling Kids? The Secret Sauce for Gaining Cooperation
- 7 Things That Will Change How You Try to Stop a Temper Tantrum
You don’t have to apologize.
Unless your child is harming another person in some way, you don’t have to look at people and apologize for your kid’s big feelings or temper tantrum.
When your kid is laying on the floor of Target crying because he wants a toy and you’re not going to buy it, there is no need to apologize to gawking people who need to put a softball in their mouth.
You don’t need to apologize for making another patron’s shopping experience uncomfortable. That’s their issue because they haven’t gotten the memo: The best moms are the moms with the screaming kids.
You’re the mom doing the hard work. You’re the parent not giving in. You’re the one teaching important life lessons.
This is not an easy job and there will be tears. Carry on, mama. Don’t apologize for being a good mom and doing the hard work.
If you are struggling with guilt as a mother, here are some places to start:
- The Real Reason Why Parents Yell (It’s Not Why You Think)
- The Most Important Thing to Do after You Yell at Your Kids
- Do You Ever Feel Angry Mama?
“Strength” training is a powerful parenting strategy for teaching your child.
It’s easy to—by default—to get stuck in the negative cycle of trying to make your child listen and having them fight tooth and nail every step of the way.
One way to get out of this cycle is to name the positive part about what the child did right in each and every situation. No matter how small or seemingly insignificant.
This is what I call STRENGTH Training in parenting. And it goes something like this…
Instead of…”You are such a picky eater. I don’t know why I even bother to make meals for you.”
Try…”You didn’t like any of the food on your plate at dinner tonight, but you tried at least one bite of everything. You found a way to try it even though you didn’t want to.”
Instead of…”Why aren’t you sharing? All these toys don’t belong to you, you know! Give your sister something and quit being so selfish.”
Try…”You didn’t want to share your toys with your sister. But you found a toy that she would like to play with and you gave it to her. That shows that you care even though sharing is hard for you.”
Instead of…”I’m so tired of fighting you at bedtime every night. You need to go to bed and quit your whining all the time.”
Try…”You didn’t want to go to bed. You wanted to stay up with mom and dad. You got all your frustrations out and then you were calm. You found a way to calm yourself even though you were really angry.”
The idea of STRENGTHs comes from Language of Listening®, the 3 part parenting framework I use. To learn more about using Language of Listening, click here to subscribe and receive posts on how to use it.
For more on STRENGTH training, check out these posts:
- When Kids Say “I Can’t” This Is The Best Response
- The Key to Helping a Perfectionist Child Is The Opposite of What You’d Think
Strong-willed kids are amazing.
When you’re in the elevator and your kids are on the floor crying and you think you’ve failed, remember this: defiant kids are actually the best thing ever.
Your child is the one who will turn down the little blue pill at a high school party. Your child is the one who will stop a friend from drinking and driving.
And it’s your child is the one who will start a small business and grow it into a billion-dollar company. Your child is the one who will parent with patience and guidance even when she wants to hide under a tent in the master bedroom with a Reese’s.
Your strong-willed toddler is filled with greatness. You just have to find it, draw it out, and allow it to shine.
Print this free toddler listening checklist.
This post comes with a free printable checklist to help with toddler listening. I always have the hardest time remembering these phrases. This printable simplifies it!
Here is a sneak preview…
Download Your Free Printable
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- Download the checklist. You’ll get the printable, plus join 20,000+ parents who receive my weekly parenting tips and ideas!
- Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock would be ideal.
- Place it on your refrigerator. Check things off as you go and don’t forget a thing!
Want more on parenting?
- How to Handle Back Talk and Disrespect Like a Parenting Warrior
- Two Words That Will Tame Your Child’s Tantrum – Every Time
- How to Get Your Toddler to Follow a Routine Without Reminders
- The Tantrum Taming Tip Most Parents Don’t Know About
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After taking my free email series, you will:
- Learn simple, yet highly effective listening strategies
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Thank you sooooo much for this article! I have an extremely strong-willed 3 yr old. And frankly though I was failing as a mother because I couldn’t figure out how to handle his tantrums. I will definitely be trying these helpful tips.
Amelia, you are so welcome! Thanks for leaving such an encouraging comment!
Wow Thank You!
I have never been so embarrassed in my life as the scenes my son can make. And yes it seems like the judgment stares are everywhere! I am a first time single mom who is an only child, so I am learning as I go. My son is so smart it shocks me still, but even at the college daycare they say he is a handful like watching 20 kids at once. He is strong willed and some days the feeling of relief once I put him to bed almost makes me feel guilty. All I want to do is be the patient super mom. THe one in many of these parenting stories you read with stay at home moms with 3+ kids, but at times I’m the screaming harpy mom. My son will leap over every line I draw. Once I get to the punishment part if I say please do not do that again or you will be put in time out. He will say put me in time out now I want you to. I say no Tristian you have not done what I told you would cause that consequence. Then he will push, act up ect until he ends up there. I am a stay at home mom , he gets plenty of attention, outside play time, we do art( I’m an artis) we have a routine so sometimes I’m truly at a loss. This article made me look at his tantrums in a better light. Although yes as an introvert I think the attention we get makes me want to hide in the bathroom…..instead of sucking it up and calmly trying to calm him down . Or when he wants a sand bucket and wears it on his head the entire time we are in target saying loudly mom I can’t see anything….those looks !! Thank you for being real, and honest because it really helps to realize we are not alone. Now I will hold my head up and smile knowing that I am raising a wonderfully willful future success!
You mean I’m not the only one who stands in the Elevator while my child is on the floor :)…I have one of those strong willed toddlers, luckily shes generally happy, but when she wants (or doesn’t want to) something that is it. Great tips!
Haha. No, no Amanda, you are definitely not the only one! There’s a whole community of us. Apparently, strong-willed toddlers are very prevalent 🙂
Thanks a lot. This is amazing.
Thank you so very much for this page! I’m a single mom with a strong willed son. Sometimes I feel I can do no right but in reading your blog, I was in tears….happy tears! As an army vet…my sons behavior makes perfect sense.
Every time I’m at my wits end and start googling ‘how to parent a strong willed / defiant child’ I come across your advice. I have to say, it’s invaluable. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and advice.
I love this!
I’m so glad! Thank you!
This is just what I needed today. Thank you thank you thank you! I need to remind myself that she’s strong and that that’s an amazing quality.
Forty years ago I was the parent of a strong-willed child. The only help at the time was books about winning the battle so every melt-down became WWIII. I spanked her, I said such negative things to her, I cried, but here’s the encouraging word: she grew up to be a CEO of a nonprofit organization. She had top-grades in her Master’s program and is now the mother of 2 wonderful, amazing teenagers. And she and I love each other as best friends. I would have spared myself so much grief if I would have had your great, great help! Thanks for what you are teaching all the wonderful moms out there.
Thank you for this! My daughter started tantrums young & I knew at a very young age she would be strong-willed. And I have already seen the determined nature that comes with it, the willingness to put in the work to achieve what she wants! I was wonder if you had any sources for the data you included about future outcomes?
Much needed read! Thanks. My 3yr little girl is extremely strong willed and i. always remind myself that I’m raising a leader. Thanks for the reinforcement.
I soo needed this right now coz i m literally in tears.i hav a 3yr old girl and shes so strong willed that it feels at times its impossible to convince her..thanks for the article..xoxoxo
You are so welcome!
Hi Lauren,
Thank you so much for sharing this info! Your entire blog/website is amazing! It’s so helpful to know I’m not the only one who has these difficulties with their child and experiences overwhelming feelings of anger, frustration, and guilt. My child is extremely strong willed and I have read endless information (& still am), taken parenting classes, and have even found myself & daughter in *gulp* counselling. Never have I seen or heard-anywhere- from anyone (mom or dad) really be so honest about these issues! (And a therapist nodding and saying uh-huh didn’t make me feel any better!) It’s refreshing and most importantly makes me feel like I’m not a failure as a parent! It’s actually very nice and encouraging the way you described a child of this temperament-a leader! I’ve not heard it put this way & it is a fantastic perspective to have! Your advice really remind me of The Nutured Heart Approach-which is fantastic & what I’m looking for! I signed up for your email (etc) to remind me of good & effective ways to deal with my child. We all need a reminder because any tips learned can go right down the toilet when stressed out… Thanks again!
Sometimes it takes a little nudge to get your mindset right. This is a nudge in a great direction. Thanks!
Thanks for these benficial and inspiring tips.
What a great read and start to my day. I have 2 very strong willed children and hiding in the master bedroom is very tempting through out my day. I often feel I am not doing something right ( which is probably true) but when I read “The best moms are the moms with the screaming kids.” I felt like I just might not be messing up as bad as I thought I was. 🙂
Spanking time
Hi Jeff I have to say I have sons, one who is 7 and then a 3 year old. I am a spanker of both my sons. But while that tactic works for my 7 year old (who has always been MUCH more docile and “easier” than my younger son) spanking does not work on my younger son. He requires a more refined method – usually redirection and distraction works well with him. Because spanking just revs his engines up more and leads to more defiance and anger.
So thank you for your comment but it’s not true or entirely helpful. Some kids are built different and everything doesn’t work on all kids.
Dear Lauren,
God Bless you and thank you for writing this post. I really needed to hear that today… I have an amazing three year old and a 10 months old.. And lately the power struggles with my oldest one have been nightmarish! Everything I read I tried and it seems that nothing is working at the time,, it also doesn’t make it easy when a hubby rushing “to the help and a rescue ” of our precious defiant toddler and start treating me as the enemy of the state for parenting our child. So, thank you, for making me feel that I am not complete and utter failure and a monster, but a person who deserves to be respected and appreciated.
Lauren, I read your article but the trouble I have is that my strong willed 3 year old child won’t try even one bite of the food and won’t give up one toy to share with other kids. Just this morning, after preschool I dropped him off at daycare. He grabs at the first kid in front of him. She was just sitting there. He seems to have a lot of pent up aggression that I have no idea where it is coming from.
These are 3 posts that might speak to you, Brenda! https://themilitarywifeandmom.com/complaining-child/, https://themilitarywifeandmom.com/how-to-handle-backtalk/ and https://themilitarywifeandmom.com/what-to-do-when-your-child-hits-you/. I would go into detail here, but the posts really explore those concepts far better. Warmly, Lauren
Tears are literally rolling, I so needed this today. I just finished sharing one of those – “my child” stories of my strong willed 2 year-old who thought it was a good idea to stomp his Easter eggs open during the hunt at church. She immediately told me I needed to discipline him and informed me that one day the principle would be calling me all the time when he starts school. Good to know, I am not along in my loving struggle:) Looking forward to following your blog!
Oh wow. Thank you so much for taking the time to share such an encouraging comment. Parenting is harrrrd work and you are definitely not alone! More to come.
Warmly,
Lauren
Katie,
My son is now 23. During kindergarten, including the first day, I was called constantly because of my son’s “behavioral issues”. I would ask you to please ask the principal, if this happens to you, what the other child, or the teacher did before the “issue” occured. I found so many times that there was a real reason that my son “acted out” because if something happening to him or towards him that he didn’t know how to handle. Such as a child sticking his finger in his face multiple times after being asked to stop by my son, but the other child kept doing it and daring him to bite him, so my son did. My son was sent to the principals office and not the other child. I found this out by asking my son what happened. Yes, they will get into trouble on their on. But as Lauren clearly stated here, they will become great men when they grow up. He now works on military airplane engines and I’m very proud of the man he has become. And yes, there were many times I would have loved to had locked the bedroom door, crawled under the comforter with a glass of wine and eaten whoppers by the handful.
I have a very strong-willed 3-year old. I just saw this article today article it hit a chord because about every hour he says he “needs me”. My question is if you have any advice or resources for a highly-sensitive parent and a strong-willed toddler. I need more space than most people (breaks), and he needs more support than most. It’s a difficult combination! Thank you!
I have this same issue…did you get any advice?
Lauren,
This was in my recommended pins today. I’m not sure why as my children are 23, 29, and 30. And oh how I wish I could have read this article way way way back then! I do want to thank you for your article (blog) whichever it may be. Maybe it it’s both. 🙂 it brought back very great memories and ones that I’m glad we all made it through. Strong willed children are amazing! …Even if I didn’t notice at the time. Back then it was all about picking and choosing your battles…And yes, having other parents staring you down in the commissary as your kid is practicing their Opera…haha! My very best wishes to you and your readers!
I needed this , just reduced me to tears reading it as sometimes I feel so alone. my daughter is so strong willed she won’t listen to anything I say but it’s selective as she’s not like this with anyone else so Iv been-struggling and seems like I cannot even leave the house without a struggle . After reading this I feel better and the gawkers can just gawk as Iv got a future leader in guiding to greatness ??
Such a relief to know i am not alone. My two year old is very very strong willed, i get tired of yelling all the time, asking ten times not to touch Or do something. She will look right at me and try to touch something she knows she isnt suppose to. Time outs work for a little but then she finds somehing to make her laugh Or distract her from the reason she is there. I feel like a failure like i run out of patients and just dont have the energy to fight every move she makes!
My strong willed toddler is now a strong willed ten year old. It takes a lot out of me everyday and everyday he tests my parenting Abilities but he is my guy and I love him.
My son is not even two yet and he’s so strong willed! Thanks for this, I already see the greatness in him as he can identify numbers, alphabets and colors at his age. I’m encouraged!
Thank you so much for this article.I was just cryiung right now, I was exhausted, didn’t know what to do, and could not even think anymore but what you say makes sense. My little one is 15 months old but I’ll try some of your technics. Thanks,
Hoy rompí en llanto por esta situación, pensando que soy la peor madre… solo necesito enfocar esa energía. Mil gracias
Hello Lauren
This post made my day and put a
Smile on my face. I have 3 children and expecting the fourth one. My son is a strong willed toddler.
I liked this sentence “the best moms are the moms with screaming children”. I am one of them
On good days I think I’m the parent of a strong willed child. On others I think that she’s probably just a spoilt, stroppy pain in the a**.. How do I know if I’ve spoiled her & made her like this rather than her natural personality?
Thank you for this article. It made me emotional. I keep saying to myself: it is sometimes tough for me now to have a strong-willed child but it will help her so much later in life. We just have to navigate a bit now and musn’t want to crush her. My friend calls her The Mayor. My daughter is 5. LOL.
Ive got 4 highly sensitive and strong willed children, and it takes a mountain of patience and lots of skills with a dash of humour to keep on, keeping on. I keep reminding myself that they will make great adults, if I can only survive this time.
Thank you so much,these are very helpful tools
This article was just what I needed to read and is providing a lot of food for thought for the days ahead. One of our 20-month old twins falls squarely in the spirited category and we waver between extreme admiration for how intelligent, intuitive, resourceful and hilarious she is, and tearing our hair out from the hours of endless battles over the simple activities of daily living. This article is helping me to reframe the situation.
It’s amazing to go to see this site and reading the views of all friends regarding this piece of
writing, while I am also zealous of getting knowledge.
I love this!
This is my 12 month old. Thank you. I needed this today.
This post is everything, thank you so much for your wotds
Thank you so much for this article. I am at the verge of breaking down… I’m crushed. Felt like I failed as a mum. I’m lost as to how to bring up my child…
Thank you, really, I have two very strong willed children (oldest 7 and youngest 3) and a third (middle 5) who can be once in a blue moon … more days then not I feel like throwing in the towel… And more times then not im told how I should do things differently and am a horrible mother… Thanks for the words of encouragement…
I love the last paragraph! I’m always comparing the ease of my son’s toddler years to the difficulties of my daughter’s, but I also know that she is going to be such a leader as a teen and adult. I literally can’t wait to see her in action.
I’ve been through these years before but I needed a reminder of WHY they act this way.
Oh wow! Thank you for this post! I can’t tell you how discourage I was starting to feel with my Three year old son. Everything you are saying makes so much sense! Even more so I feel more empowered in the situation! My husband enjoyed it too! I feel like I can relate better to my son now, cause his momma is clearly a natural born leader too, so he got it from somewhere! I am so present that I am just raising my the child version of myself. I feel more compassionate and inspired to raise him and listen for his greatness. Thank you so much!
I just ran across your article and all I can think is I wish you had written it when I was raising my daughter. She was very strong willed from birth and I struggled with feeling like I was a bad mother. I am happy to report, though, that she was an awesome teenager, she excelled academically and is now very successful and a strong leader in her computer science career. I will be sure to share the information about your parenting course with her since she just became a mom five months ago.
Thank you, this makes me feel like less of a failure. My son is definition of strong willed, and now I can see more of the positives around that instead of the self Imposed guilt I burden myself for feeling like I’ve failed.
Hi and thank you for your suggestions. Any ideas, though, for a mom of a strong-willed 4 year old boy with 2 older sons (9 and 11) and a 7 month-old boy? I’m struggling to be able to be patient and calmly try these phrases while the older boys are having a nerf battle or wrestling match instead of getting ready for the day and the baby is crying his head off because I set him down for 2 minutes to guide the 4-year-old into making better decisions. 🙂
This post is everything, thank you so much for your words!!
My middle child was extremely strong willed. He is now an adult. He was the kid that stopped friends from drinking and driving. He is the one who has his own business and has the plan to retire early. I know how hard it is, but one day you will see how truly amazing your strong willed kids are.
That is wonderful! How did you make it through?
This article is really helpful because today I felt like I am the only one who’s child always do opposite whatever I says . Now I know that these child called strong willed child and that they are the born leaders. Everyone judges me that my child doesn’t listen to me and compare with their peacfull obedient children. However, I do support him but sometimes I have my self doubts, what did I do wrong bcz I apply everything which I read about parenting but still why so today I got the answer.
I needed to hear this today ❤❤❤?
Thank you
My daughter, Alanna, is smart and sensitive. She just turned four and even using your wonderful guidance I fear I destroying her spirit. She is strong and definitely opinionated. She also just wants everyone happy. How do I teach her to be kind and still make the choice that won’t leave her hurting and unhappy? We are struggling with a combination of shyness and determination. How do I teach her that her choices, are her’s? That saying “I don’t want to play right now.” is okay? My family wants to test her for being gifted but……I’m worried. Is it the better thing to do? Will it give us more guidance? I love your guidance. It has helped us so much. Is there something more I should be doing?
I am so glad I came across your post! I don’t even know where to start it’s like you are talking about me in this post. My daughter is 2 years and 3 months and man does she drive me crazy. I had to go have a read at your recent article about why Mom’s yell. She is the cutest little thing but when she throws her tantrums I want to run for the hills they are exhausting and draining.
I’m currently in the midst of raising my strong willed 2.5 year old daughter while my husband is deployed and oh my goodness this article and the comments saved me from ripping my hair out. So thank you, I appreciate you!