Raising Kids
Inside: The number one reason why parents yell. Plus, the 2-minute strategy that can help you stop yelling and squash the angry mom inside you.
My kids could not stop giggling. I honestly didn’t understand it, but they were making “monster faces” and this was, apparently, the funniest thing they ever did see. The kids hopped out of the car, and together we locked hands, grabbed our bags and started walking towards our apartment building.
Everything in that moment felt right.
Then I heard it. The yelling.
My eyes shifted left to right, scanning for where it was coming from. I spotted it: mom, minivan, kids.
She stood outside the rear sliding door looking inward, kids peppered the inside of the van, and the roaring words that followed are ones I’ll never forget.
In a single instant, everything turned to slow-motion as I watched her arms charge up and down into the air. Her voice accelerated with each passing second, and verbal bullets shot into the ears before her.
The kids and I continued walking inside, but my heart raced.
My cheeks flushed hot.
My throat felt tight.
My stomach tied double and triple knots.
But not for the reason you’d think.
I looked at the mom outside the minivan, and the first image that popped into my head was…myself.
Because man, I’ve been there.
I’ve. so. been. there.
A huge part of me wanted to drop all my bags, let go of the little hands locked into my own, race toward the minivan and leap into her arms for the biggest hug ever.
I wanted to look her in the eye and tell her that this parenting gig is…hard.
That I…understood.
That she was…not alone.
The real reason why parents yell at their kids.
No one becomes a parent and thinks, “I’m going to be angry and yell at my kids all the time.”
No one plans on being an angry mom.
Instead, you probably think a lot more along the lines of this:
- I love my kids and I would do anything for them.
- I want to do this parenting thing “right.”
- I desire to be a calm and patient parent.
The forgotten factor.
I’ve battled my parenting anger for years and I still haven’t found a magic fix, but I made a huge breakthrough when I learned the REAL reason I was yelling.
Anger and yelling always comes from a feeling of powerlessness.
Powerlessness that you can’t control your kids behavior.
Powerlessness that you can’t get all the little people out the door on time.
Powerlessness that you can’t take a shower without a fight breaking out between the kids.
Powerlessness that you can’t get your kids to (for the love of all things chocolate and coffee) go to sleep at night.
Powerlessness that some days you feel like you’re failing at parenting, and you genuinely want to fix it, but you don’t know how.
You give and give and give, and quite honestly, little seems to move in the direction you want.
So you yell.
When your parenting frustration hits level 15 on a scale that only goes to level 10, you feel powerless.
And one easy way to feel power quickly is to…yell.
It’s the same reason kids fall into rapid-fire sequences of back talk and disrespect. They feel powerless, too.
Yelling always comes down to this: The overwhelming desire to meet your healthy need for power as fast as possible.
(Yes, power is a healthy need. We all have the need for power. It’s only a matter of meeting that healthy need in a healthy way.)
A 2-step quick fix for yelling.
If you find your power tank dangerously low and you are about to yell at your kids, give this a try:
1. Name 5 things you can control in the moment.
Think: I can tap my right foot fast 10 times. I can passionately say, “I’m so frustrated.” I can add 2+7+9 in my head. I can do 5 jumping jacks. I can close the car door and sit on the ground.
This simple exercise allows you step out of your emotional brain and back into your logical brain. You’ll slowly move from a feeling of powerlessness to a feeling of control.
2. Be sure to say them aloud.
This is an important step because if you say it inside your head, the emotional brain will continue to overpower your logical brain.
This is also the perfect exercise to help a crying kid calm down. After doing this quick exercise, it’s easier to see a clearer solution to the problem.
Before you go, a story.
When I saw the mom at the door of her minivan, I wanted to leap into her arms for and tell her that she was a good mom and that she wasn’t alone.
I wanted to help her, but I didn’t.
Instead, I froze and walked inside pretending to see nothing.
I felt a lot of guilt over that.
For days upon days, I thought about this mom and how I wished she knew that she wasn’t alone.
Then I saw her again.
There she was in the elevator with her hands lovingly locked with her littles. Despite the chaos of the kids around her, she was calm and relaxed.
I looked over to her, and in the midst of our combined 5 kids making the loudest and most rambunctious noises, I said…
“I saw you before in the parking lot.”
Her face instantly flashed white like she’d been found out.
Nervous to speak, I continued. “I wanted you to know that I’ve been there. I understand. You’re not alone, and you can call me anytime.”
I paused.
(Silence)
The doors opened.
I looked to my kids who were eager to get off and said, “This isn’t our floor yet. Stay here.”
I extended my arm to her with a piece of paper.
My heart raced.
(I feared rejection after saying anything at all.)
Then she stepped off the elevator, grabbed the paper with my number on it — and with tears in her eyes — she mouthed two words: Thank you.
Resources for a calmer home:
Want more on parenting?
- 2 Year Old Not Listening? Try This Remarkable Tip
- Dear Mom Who Feels Like a Terrible Mother
- 10 Powerful Phrases for When Your Child Whines or Complains
- Dealing With Parenting Anger: 21 Healthy Ways to Share Frustrations With Kids
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Thank you for your wonderful emails. The ones that hit close to home for me are the ones about yelling and being an angry mom. I struggle so much with this with four kids 5 and under (including 10 month old twins). Again thank you for sharing your experiences! It helps bring calm to my chaos.
Shandara,
Thank you for your encouraging words. It’s touching to know this article spoke to you. I’m glad you’re here.
Lauren
I’m going to say the unthinkable…I have found…after giving up my beloved coffee, my morning habit, pretty much my all day habit of coffee drinking, that I am not quite as short-tempered. I am still “that mom” on days when pressure is coming in from all sides, but I am better. I now drink “”matcha green tea” in the morning for my caffeine fix. It is supposed to help with the neurotransmitter dopamine. Now, I only have a coffee about once a week, and that is usually a frappe because after 3 weeks without it, I really don’t have a taste for hot coffee. It took at least a week to kick the morning coffee habit. Also, I have read that smart phones actually cause anxiety, and I have found that some of my outbursts are while trying to manage a task on my phone while also tending to the children. I don’t blame everything on these two habits, but awareness of potential triggers is my purpose of mentioning it here. I agree that powerlessness is a huge factor in the meltdowns. Thanks for a great article!
Connie, you are so right, diet and distractions (especially technology) are huge factors in losing patience, feeling frustrated and later yelling in response. Awareness of potential triggers is a powerful tool and I’m so glad you shared it.
Thanks for reading!
Lauren
I also have just given up coffee!! I switched to tea and have relaxed a bit. I bet coffee just had a bad reaction in my system. I am glad I am not the only person going through this. Great article too!! I always feel bad after yelling and apologize and try to explain where I am coming from. Kids are amazing and they end up teaching us in the end.
Hello, I am.not one to comment on anything that I read but I feel so identified with your article. I have a 2 month old baby boy and a 5 year old girl. My girl is very active and loving. She is very emotional as well for example at age 3 she could not watch My little Pony it had too much drama and she would cry. But being this the case, she had our, or my, atention 100 %. Now with the Baby, at first she was very helpful, full of smiles and doing so well. She is still super loving and being a wonderful Big Sister but I have noticed some changes.
This is my second week feeling disconected. She has been acting out and I have felt I cannot do anything about it! So yes you sumed up that awful feeling in one word powerlessness! Finding myself over and over being “that mom” that ,before when I was single, would see and feel sorry for but think that it was her fault for not keeping it together. Now that I am on the other side, now I know exactly how she feels. Yelling throughout the day and then feeling guilty of hurting my little ones feeling. But even more guilty that I am failing at being a loving parent.
I am glad that I found your article. Definately feeling much better and I am going to put in practice your tips. Specially becaus now I don’t feel alone. Thank you, Yomaira
Yomaira, wow, thank you so much for sharing such a thoughtful comment here. Your story resonates with me and I *know* so many other parents too. Everyday is a new day to try again and do better. We are all in this together. Hugs to you, mama. Lauren
Hi hun, look up ” highly sensitive child” book. It’s helped. I too have a daughter who cries with even just reading a sad or scary book and is highly compassionate and empathetic, yet has crazy noisy outbursts when upset. This book has helped me to understand her and myself (I feel I was like this as a child) and is giving me insight on how to create a calming, relaxing home to help her ? and me!
Ps great article. I definitely think the times that we are stressed and trying to get things done and feel powerless when things don’t go to plan is when we yell ? this parenting gig is hard!
Yomiara,
I second your opinion! This is the second time I’ve stumbled on this blog post, and it still speaks to me, maybe even more than it did the first time. I’ve been that yelling mom, right down to the crushing guilty feelings afterwards! I want to stop yelling too, actually, stop yelling at anyone, not just my kids! Thank you for your reply, and thank you Lauren for the article, both so amazing!
Kate
I cried reading this. You made me feel like I wasn’t the only one when I thought I honestly was.ā¦ then I scrolled down and noticed you were also a military wife (so am I) then I cried some more. Thank you so much for this article <3
Danna, you are definitely not alone! Motherhood combined with military life equals a frequent feeling of powerlessness. It’s a lot to conquer, but together we can. I’m so glad you’re here.
Lauren
Hi Lauren, You’re article is defenetly very helpful, and I will try these exscersizes. I have litlle girl,she is 5 and she is very emotional about everything and she wants to do what she intends to do or otherwise she cries,but I m talking about the emotinal cry like it is the end of the world. She cries in kindergarten, in playrooms, she even cries when I am seeing off my hausband to work, she pitties everyone, and honestly I do not know what to do anymore. She doesn’t want to learn anything, collours or numbers( of course I am making it fun to her) she just turns everything in to playing, but her games or she just stars crying. I’m calm for somre time and taking a lot of stuff and then I brake (in tears or yellin),so If you had something similar to this I would like to hear it:)) Thank you a lot
Thank you, thank you! I love this. I’ve been there–both the mom yelling and the mom wanting to comfort another mom, because parenting IS so hard!! I’m going to check out your e-courses now, because with 5 littles under 9 I need all the help I can get!
I’m so glad you’re here Michelle. I’ve definitely been on both sides as well. Thank you for checking out the eCourses. It’s great to have you!
Lauren
Random comment but, ironically my name is also Michelle and I have 5 kids 9 and under as well :).
On topic though, I am going to give this a try, moming is hard work and if this helps I’ll gladly do it!!
This is the only article I’ve read in a very long time that resonated with me. I love my kids so much and want to be the best mom but then there are the times when I yell! And I hate it! Thanks for some tactics. ā¤ļø And some understanding.
You are so welcome, Anna!
Thank you for sharing this article. I too struggle with yelling at my kids and feel horrible afterwards. I love my sweet girls. Just recently, I had a similar experience with seeing another mom yelling at her son while we were at the pool. I walked over to the mom and asked if I could pray with her and said can I give you a hug. As I hugged her, she began to cry a cry of relief. She also shared some things with me that she had been going through. I told her she wasn’t alone and I too get overwhelmed with life. At that moment, the Lord showed me I wasn’t alone and used this woman to show me this as well as He used me to comfort her. It’s good that you had another opportunity to speak into that women’s life. We all need encouragement.
What great insight. Thank you for sharing this.
Your post made me cry. Being a mom to a strong willed little girl is SO hard. I would love for a mom to say this to me too. I feel like I’m surrounded by mom’s who were blessed with the easiest baby’s, and here I’ve got the Tasmanian devil.
I totally understand you. My daughter is 10 and I noticed noone wants to be her friend. Even the adults dont want to be around her so anytime there is something going on at our church or family, she is left out. She isnt invited to bday parties or playdates and I find myself trying to make up for it by taking her out and buying her little things. But now that shes older she is starting to notice that she is being left out and gets very upset. Shes a strong willed child, sassy and can be hyper at times so when shes upset she becomes total drama and the drama plus my broken heart for her gets me the yelling at her. And then it breaks my heart even more! I feel judged by all the parents that have angels and i feel like i have failed as a parent. Tears are rolling down my face as I write this. I feel so alone and so heart broken because my daughter said to me last night…mommy, i wish i wasnt born like this. I wish i were different because it so hard! I dont know how to be like the other children! …and thats when my heart broke for her. I said all the right words that any mother would say but it didnt seem to console her. I feel in a rage at my family, who isolate her, at my friends who ignore her, at the neighborhood kids that exclude her and I feel like im taking it out on her for not being sweet, calm and quiet. Her whole life people, teachers are so quick to tell me the bad, never the good. I wish people could see how amazing she is. How caring she can be and just how great she actually is.
Hello Stace, I feel your pain! I am a mom if a 6 year old girl, who is also emotionally vibrant, strong willed, sassy too but sweet and generous & very strong sense of justice. When I read your comment, it made me feel sad because I know how you feel. My daughter has said the same things to me several times & it hurts to know that she feels she is bad & wrong & not thinks sheās not good enough. But you know what- you know your daughter. You see her goodness & what she is capable of, what she cares about, how she can be kind and empathetic… you are her friend, mom, helper & teacher for life. Sometimes people all around can just suck. But you can only control what you do, not what anyone else does. Youāre not alone. But your daughter is unique & she needs your help to figure out how to channel all her strong emotions & powerful feelings. No matter how many times you feel like you fail, just remember that Iām out there feeling the same way, & so are many other moms- but we arenāt failing at all! Weāre reading articles like this one and we are trying everyday! So keep being a great mom who cares amazingly, & just do your best at being someone your girl can trust & talk to. Because one day she will find friends she can connect with, but until then, you are always her friend.
Thank you Lauren, for writing this article & for helping us moms to feel more in control. Some days are harder than others. But we all have the same goal- To Love Our Kids!
I really appreciate this post – from both sides! I feel so guilty some days for yelling, I am a carer for my disabed mum, have a 6yo, 1yo and 3month old and it’s HARD! Also I saw a mum outside the supermarket struggling with her 2 little girls last week, she looked like she was going to cry and I was so busy with my 3 I just looked on with sympathy before letting my eldest drag me inside…I still feel so guilty for not helping her! š I hope she reads this post and knows she’s not alone!
Thank you so much for writing this post. I have read so many, and this was the first one that really felt like it was about ME. It’s like you’re in my home and know exactly what is going on. The guilt has consumed me for years, and I just keep pushing on and telling myself that one day, it will get easier. Before your article, I reached a point where I almost felt as though I just had to accept that I turned out just like my father, and this is how my household would be. I look forward to the day when yelling isn’t my “go-to”.
Cried my eyes out!!!
Oh mama, HUGS. You are more amazing than you think!
I wish to have some of your articles. I have 8 years old son, 5 years old son and 1year old daughter. Still leaving in joint family, my husband is too busy in churh and society. I really am in a mess with my kids, no maid, lots of hesitation because of other people in the family, I hardly have time for my kids, i get too fastrated and tired and should at my kids. I feel bad for the kids and can’t sleep well.
This post brought tears to my eyes. I, too, have been the angry mom. I hate the feelings associated with it…the guilt, shame, regret. But it is always so refreshing to hear other moms open up about their struggles as well. We, as moms, always tend to be so hard on ourselves and it can be so lonely. I love that you reached out to the other mom. Sometimes that is all it takes to not feel so alone in this journey of motherhood. Thank you so much for this beautiful post!
This is a wonderful story and Iām happy you were received positively by the powerless Mom. Thank you for your suggestion on how not to lose control! I appreciate you!
Thank you for this. I really loved how you gave her your phone number and offered support. I feel like so often people are judging those women who are yelling at their kids. Our world has gotten so quick to make opinions about others (and really much more) and it’s wonderful to see you shining light onto the what the situation really is and how we, especially as women, can reach out and be there for one another. Thank you so much for sharing this.
I do not cry easily, but this put me to tears. I have really been struggling with my 3 and 2 year old lately. They are constantly screaming at each other over toys. I feel myself get so angry and then I yell, sending both of them to their rooms. I feel like when I try to calmly get them to pick up their toys I’m talking to the wall, I get no response, which leads to raising my voice again. I hate ever being angry, especially at my kids, I love them so much.
For a few days now, I have stopped whatever I’m doing to help resolve the problem before it escalates to me screaming. It has really worked, I feel more in control and I just hope I can keep it up.
Thank you for writing this. It made me feel not so alone.
Thank you for this. Am sure my two-year old will appreciate that I got your advice. Yes, in hindsight it is always ridiculous that I yell at a two year old. But I find myself doing it, often. Thank you.
Not sure how I stumbled upon your website, but it is amazing. Tears in my eyes as I read this post (and other ones) because it is my life and it is really nice to know I am not the only mom who can’t always control her anger…even though it comes from a place of love. My husband doesn’t always understand, so thank you for writing this!!
I needed to read this today… actually cried out to God to help me stop yelling š … Your blog – answered prayers one day at a time
Loved the advice on five things to think about before you yell to feel power. That was something new and I cant wait to try it. My child and I are extremely passive so when I do yell its like “Okay Wow, who are you right now!?” lol and I always feel bad, frustrated with myself, and a little silly. But yelling still happens and of course everyone wants to be at zero with yelling. You are so brave to approach that mom, it sounds like it was just what she needed to hear.
Thank you. Thank you so much. I needed to not feel alone today. ā¤ļø
This is great advice, and I will try it soon, like tomorrow, since I often need to calm down. I am loving your down to earth writing style combined with scientific research. So many great articles that I can’t wait to read!!!
Hi everyone. I know I might not be the typical reader here, Iām a 24 year old man without children. However, I am getting married soon and Me and my fiancĆ©e dearly want children. We have both agreed that we want to raise our children peacefully and positively with as much connection as possible.
I thought I would write something, even though many might find what I have to say controversial. Most parents are on here to find ways of improvement which is a good thing and is clearly not an indictment of any one here. I am very close to going no contact and estranging myself from my parents due to the fact that they were constantly yelling at me.
Both of my parents yelled at me until I was 21. I remember being six and my dad yelling at me for getting in trouble at school when I made some craft thing rather than doing whatever assignment I was supposed to do. At 9 he yelled at the top of his lungs because I hadnāt brought home a paper from school saying we would not have school later on that week.
Other than that there was frequent long chewing outs about things which seemed nonsensical. Once he told me to do three different things while working on something and I asked for clarification. He gave me a long lecture about how I was lazy and inconsiderate because I didnāt do what he asked.
At 20 when I couldnāt fit into my boyscout uniform from 16 he made fun of me and called me fat.
My mom would yell st and haragne me for things which werenāt my fault. At 16 I was supposed to perform at the graduation for the high school. I was late because one of my friends I was driving was feeling sick. After telling me that I had no regard and didnāt care about people I told them that my friend was sick. They both went silent and acted angry the rest of the day, apologizing to my friend who pleaded with my mom to forgive me. However, I was never apologized to.
When I was 9 mom yelled at and hit my for pressing the alarm button on an elevator. I was trying to press the open door button because the door was closing and my dad couldnāt get on in time. She said I was being bad because I was pressing the button for fun.
Any friends I brought over weāre accused of some form of wrong doing frequently. I had my best friend over once and we played a Star Wars game on the Wii that I owned at the time. Over the next few days I had a boil on my earlobe. My mom yelled at me due to the fact that my friend had tried to pierce my ear, which did not happen at all.
At 23 my mom called me lazy in front of my fiancĆ©e then girlfriend. I snapped and yelled at her saying thatās i donāt want to visit her because of the way she mocks and belittles me. She tried to get me to make a high pitched sound that I ended up making whenever I was in high pitched emotions. I became even angrier due to the fact that she was trying to invalidate my feelings. Instead of apologizing for calling me lazy she acted hurt and said she would leave the house.
The feeling that my desires or needs were subservient to that of my parents made me feel deep shame. The fact that I didnāt want to spend time with my parents or didnāt feel loving towards them only escalated things worse. I felt a great sense of worthlessness due to the fact that I would make my parents very angry by simply forgetting a paper. A good child would remember every paper and they would be loved.
I now hate my parents and want nothing more to do with them. I genuinely believe they had other priorities than to make me a healthy productive adult. I know many here will argue otherwise. If they did have that as a major priority and people want to just say they didnāt have the skills or knowledge then they were neglectful in not acquiring those while I was still young. They are either evil or stupid to be blunt and frankly Iām not sure which is worse.
To summarize my point here I want to say that I think itās wonderful so many moms want to amend their behaviors. I understand parenting is hard, but so is open heart surgery. We hold open heart surgeons accountable whenever they are neglectful or malicious.
If you do not want to be in the situation where my parents are in where I am on the brink of total estrangement from them, then for your sake and the childrenās, STOP YELLING.
Go to therapy, go to classes, go to support groups, you have the time and money now because you sure as sunshine will not get any more later. Investing your time and mental energies now will save massive heartache later. I know my parents must feel horrible and anguished, but such is the consequences of their actions. Intentions be damned.
No one is a bad parent for losing their temper, but bad people are made by the bricks of bad decisions. Start right now building a foundation of peace and goodness as parents. Please donāt end up like my parents as there are enough broken people walking around that we do not need more.
Thank you for reading this and I hope it offers some help and insight.