Dealing With Controlling Kids? The “Secret Sauce” for Gaining Cooperation
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Inside: If you’re struggling with kids who act controlling, this is the missing piece to help! Plus, a simple 3-part guide for dealing with controlling kids or strong-willed kids. Post contains affiliate links that may, at no extra cost to you, earn a small commission.
My daughter looked at her older brother, and immediately upon noticing he was looking at her, she shouted, “I don’t want you to look at me!”
(I mean, how dare he look at her?)
So like any reasonable older brother would do, he opened his eyes wide, inched his face closer to hers and gave her The Big Giant Death Stare.
Without uttering a single word, his face screamed You can’t make me stop looking at you, and I’m going to prove it.
“Mom! He’s STILL LOOKING at me!”
She took a breath preparing for the long whining words that would follow.
This is usually the point where I start cringing. My skin crawls. I hate dealing with these petty sibling fights.
Then without realizing it, I make it worse.
I step in and say something like, “That’s
enough. Both of you just stop it.”
Instead of stopping, he slides closer at her face, using his index fingers and thumbs to hold each of his eyes open even wider. And she (like every sibling story you’ve heard a million times before) just loses it and screams something incomprehensible in his face.
My words again fall on deaf ears. “Stop. Both
of you. Just stop. You know how to talk to each other with respect and
kindness.”
It’s brewing chaos. Not one person is actually
listening.
Here’s the problem when dealing with controlling kids.
Trying to control, reason with or stop controlling kids only escalates the problem.
The more control you try to assert, the more stubborn your controlling child gets, and the power struggle is GAME ON barreling forward full-throttle.
It’s a never-ending vicious cycle.
There’s a missing piece.
When kids are digging their heels into all these controlling or strong-willed behaviors, they are feeling quite powerless.
There’s no reason for a child to bother with seeking control unless they are feeling completely out of control.
Parents might try to control more in a
situation where they perceive the child is trying to control them because they,
too, feel powerless.
This only increases the child’s desire for control.
As a simple example, you’ll see this when you
try to make a controlling child sit in the corner and they won’t go. You put
the child in the corner, and they fight you and try to get out again and again –
and again.
You’ll also see this with older kids when you lay out a boundary – like taking away a tablet – and the child goes to any measure to defy you and sneak the tablet when you’re not looking.
In general, these are things you may see with kids who desire control…
A child has a seemingly dominant and controlling personality.
They resist being told what to do all the time.
They resort to being physically mean or picking on others.
They are often labeled them as “bad” “naughty” “mean” or “bossy.”
They try to tell another child what toys they can play with.
They say “no” to everything.
They refuse to drink from a certain cup.
They won’t get dressed or change clothes.
They will scream and tell you, “That’s not the right way.”
So how do you set boundaries and turn it all around with a
controlling child?
(Because kids who are feeling out of control
definitely need a parent’s help and guidance!)
This is the secret.
When responding to controlling kids, the secret isn’t to control
them more or to try to stop their need for control or to prove to them they don’t
need to act controlling.
The secret is this: Help them find something they can control that is okay with you and them.
This gets you on the same team, helps meet the kids’ need for control and keeps them working within the boundaries you set in place.
To help give you a clear step-by-step guide, I like to share about Language of Listening®, the 3-part parenting framework I use and teach to parents just like you.
SAY WHAT YOU SEE®
This framework and this approach always starts with one thing: SAYing WHAT YOU SEE® without teaching, fixing, questions or judgment.
SAY WHAT YOU SEE is the critical step in parenting. This is the step of connection. This is where it gets you out of your head, where we live in judgment and logical reasoning, and into the moment with a child where we can both agree on what’s happening.
So when we are able to SAY WHAT WE SEE, it’s
the neutral zone where we can meet our children. From there you can provide
guidance to your children.
And that’s what parenting is all about.
In the above, “He’s looking at me” example, it might sound something like this:
“You don’t want him to look at you! You hate that! You’d much
rather be invisible or have him go away. That way he’d never see you.”
Other responses that could work in a variety of situations might
sound something like this:
“That’s not the way you wanted it. You wish you could…”
“You want to…”
Stating what the child wants or wishes is a great starting point for turning the situation around. Only once kids feel heard and understood will they willingly open up to your guidance and see solutions with less resistance.
If you see something you don’t like, you name a CAN DO for your child. An alternative — something the child can do to meet their needs. Helping your child see what they CAN control instead is an empowering shift!
Here are some quick examples.
Child doesn’t want someone to look at them.
You can close your eyes.
You can leave the room.
You can pretend your invisible.
You can cover yourself with a blanket.
Child wants to go out with friends and is not allowed.
You can decide where you and I go together.
You can decide what game we play at home.
You can be alone in your room.
You can go to the park. I can take you if you
want.
Child wants another child to give them a toy.
You can ask her for a turn.
You can wait until she is done.
You can get one of your toys to trade with her.
You can keep toys you only want for yourself hidden in your room before friends come over.
You can put it on your birthday or Christmas list and have your own to keep forever.
Child resorts to being physically mean or picking on others.
If you’re so angry that you want to hit, you can hit a pillow or rip this paper.
You can yell those words in the bathroom.
You can yell at the wall in your bedroom.
You can write it down on paper and put it under your pillow.
Ultimately, the best solutions will come from the child. And if the child already has a high need for power and control, they will LOVE deciding their own solutions over you providing them.
To help your child come up with solutions, I love using the all-purpose CAN DO like this: There must be something you can do!
Or if you’re open to negotiation: There must be something we can do!
One of the premises of Language of Listening is that all children have every possible inner strength. This is important because children act according to who they believe they are.
Literally every possible strength that your child needs to succeed in the world is already inside him or her.
When a child accepts the CAN DO, you can point out the STRENGTH.
Naming a STRENGTH always comes from something
the child did, so it’s never fluff or empty praise. It’s grounded in
observation and true things that happened.
When you SAY WHAT YOU SEE and you can tell a child, “You did this. You found a way stay in control in a way that works for everyone. That shows you know how to solve problems,” you anchor the strength in a way that they can identify with it.
It becomes who they are and their future actions are based out of it. This is the critical piece of why STRENGTHs work.
The best part: Controlling kids transform into self-controlled kids.
When you’re able to show your children how they can meet their need for control in a way that works for everyone, this need gets filled. They feel in control, and they stop trying to seek power in ways you might not like very much.
When they feel in control, they’re not threatened by things. It allows them to be a very calm and peaceful person.
Ghandi, for example, was one of the most
powerful people of all time, and he knew it. But he didn’t need to go around
and prove how powerful he was.
It’s this quiet confidence you start to see in your kids.
Like when a child sees her older brother is
looking in her direction, and she doesn’t like it…
You’ll notice her quietly walk from the
kitchen table, grab a blanket from the living room, walk back to the kitchen
and sit at the table with a blanket over her head.
And just like that…
She knows her brother doesn’t have the power to send her into an emotional tailspin.
She knows the greatest power will always come from within.
And no one in the world can take it from her.
Grab your free printable.
Chances are you won’t remember all the ideas from this post. Inside your printable, you’ll get a complete list of CAN DO examples to help you remember them in a pinch.
PLUS, get a bonus list of quick exercises and games you can do in 10 minutes or less to help your kids develop better self-control.
Here’s a sneak preview…
Download the checklist. Join 37,000+ parents who receive my weekly-ish tips and ideas and get the printable delivered straight to you inbox.
Print. Any paper will do the trick, but cardstock would be ideal.
Place it on your refrigerator. Check off the things as you go and don’t forget a thing!
I've created a free email series just for you! If you are struggling with teaching your child to listen, this series will help transform your parenting. Yes, really. I've seen my proven strategies work time and time again for parents. I know it can work for you too.
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About Lauren Tamm
I'm Lauren, a military spouse and Language of Listening® master parent coach. I write about my crazy parenting adventures, discovering happiness in motherhood and navigating the ups and downs of military life. I spend my days re-heating coffee while chasing my kids around the house. Hang around for a bit and join the fun!
I love these ideas. I’ve read Say What You See and have tried and tried to implement this approach with my 3 year old. But. What do you do when they just melt down and keep screaming indefinitely? When none of the Can Dos are good enough? Sometimes the approach works beautifully, but other times… complete failure. (She was a preemie but she doesn’t have autism or other disorders, and language skills are age appropriate or better.)
I guess I’m wondering – is this just because she’s 3, or do I need more practice and consistency, or… ?
I really enjoyed this article as its timely with my very headstrong and controlling 4yo. She bullies her 7yo brother who is my highly sensitive child and won’t hit back. How to help him stand up for himself and how to help her with her controlling ways. This article has helped with one issue. I’m still praying about the other. I homeschool, so he doesn’t have others to do that at school or anything. He won’t say a harsh word about or to anyone. He’s very gentle. He also doesn’t like tickling because its too hard. He has no learning disabilities and is on target for all milestones. He’s very empathetic. I just wish he’d defend himself just a bit.
Here’s what real moms are saying about Military Wife and Mom…
Love the listening course and the routine card printables and listening workbook so far. Listening has been our biggest challenge lately. My son was flat out just ignoring our voices. I started implementing the strategies yesterday and it was such smooth sailing all day long. Not only that, but the empathy statements and “turning a no into a yes” actually had my three year old saying “okay, mom” happily and complying right away without fighting or tears, by the end of the day! And it has worked wonders for my mood and frustration level when the arguing and tears are not averted. Trying to keep the 5:1 ratio has made me realize what a bad habit I’d fallen into. It becomes so easy to give commands and warnings and issue no’s, that you forget to take notice of the good! I feel so much better, as a mom, now that I’m intentionally encouraging my kid for his strengths. Thank you so much!
Ashlee Overdick
I have been reading your blog now for a few months and I really respect your advice and ideas. I also signed up for your “better listening” email series and have been learning a ton and working on implementing your advice with my 21 month & 3 1/2 year olds. They are responding well and I am looking particularly forward to working through these strategies with my youngest. He is as sharp as a tack and just coming into his own now. These tools are great and it’s awesome to have been equipped with them right as he’s coming into the defiance stage. I feel much more confident in my ability to manage the challenges of this stage now. Thank you!
Megan Schrag
I picked up these routine cards this week from The Military Wife and Mom because my 3 year old tends to put up a fight when getting ready to leave the house, or go to bed. Or eat a meal. Or start her day. These made a HUGE difference in like one day.
Instead of reminding and counting down and trying to avoid meltdowns, last night we sang the Olaf song as she cheerfully picked out her Olaf underwear and put them on.
This morning she pumped her fist and said, “the last one is ‘comb hair!’” before she came into the bathroom and started brushing her own hair. I’m sold! I truly love these and think any toddler mom could benefit!
Heather Goffrier
I’m loving receiving your emails. What strategies you suggest are common knowledge, but having the time to sit back and think about them is another thing. I have used the 2 choices a lot this week. It’s amazing how it can work. Our power struggles have decreased, kids have been getting along together better. I know it has been only a week, but it feels like a massive change. I wish I had have signed up for emails 3 weeks ago and used the strategies on their school holidays lol.
Jacqui
Right before I gave up, I came across your site from Pinterest. My heart sunk and I signed up for your daily email list of listening. Every morning I received an email from you before I got out of the bed for the day, which couldn’t have been more perfect and encouraging to start the days. I immediately put your advice in action. My husband and I saw a different child within minutes. It’s been a few weeks since I started and the list could go on! I’m really grateful I came across your site! It changed my relationship 180°. Thank you said so much! I’ve already shared your link with my family and friends! I think every parent needs to read this!
Nikki Olson
Oh my goodness. I needed this so much. I stumbled upon another post of yours on Pinterest, and it lead me here. My 2 year is soooo strong willed. This had me in tears because finally someone gets it! Without wanting to admit it… I needed some help. Thank you so much for putting this out there.
Kelly C.
I am so glad I came across your blog. This really opened my eyes as to why my nearly 2 year-old son will not listen. I was reaching my limit with him not listening, and the techniques you share here are exactly what I need.
Jayne
A quick thank you while my 15 month old son is sleeping. So glad I found you on my motherhood journey. After 17 years of being childless (but envisioning a future life with a calm and peaceful soul), I gave birth at 43 to a larger-than-life, highly spirited, vocal baby whom I couldn’t relate to. Everyday has been a challenge to meet his ever increasing needs. Your guidance has helped organize me and prepare me mentally more than any other blog or support group, thank you.
I love these ideas. I’ve read Say What You See and have tried and tried to implement this approach with my 3 year old. But. What do you do when they just melt down and keep screaming indefinitely? When none of the Can Dos are good enough? Sometimes the approach works beautifully, but other times… complete failure. (She was a preemie but she doesn’t have autism or other disorders, and language skills are age appropriate or better.)
I guess I’m wondering – is this just because she’s 3, or do I need more practice and consistency, or… ?
I really enjoyed this article as its timely with my very headstrong and controlling 4yo. She bullies her 7yo brother who is my highly sensitive child and won’t hit back. How to help him stand up for himself and how to help her with her controlling ways. This article has helped with one issue. I’m still praying about the other. I homeschool, so he doesn’t have others to do that at school or anything. He won’t say a harsh word about or to anyone. He’s very gentle. He also doesn’t like tickling because its too hard. He has no learning disabilities and is on target for all milestones. He’s very empathetic. I just wish he’d defend himself just a bit.