What’s Behind Angry and Aggressive Behaviors in Kids?

Inside: Do you ever wonder, why is my child so angry and aggressive? Learn the reasons behind your child’s behavior. Plus, a 3-part solution any parent can do!

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It was like a switch. In a few seconds time, my son transcended from calm and relaxed to raging anger. My jaw dropped to the pavement as I stood in the parking lot of my daughter’s daycare.

His voice roared. His eyes swelled. His face turned fuchsia red.

On the outside I was fighting desperately to stay calm, but on the inside I was panicking. His anger rages seem to come out of nowhere sometimes. Of course, being late to pick up my daughter and feeling like onlookers were fiercely staring me down wasn’t helping any.

Related:

• The Real Reason Why Parents Yell at Their Kids
• How to Stop Toddler Hitting – The Easy Way!

Why is my child so angry and aggressive?

In short, kids are fighting desperately to matter.

Anger and aggression is often a missed communication about what the child wants not mattering, which to a child equates to not mattering as a person.

Everything children say and do is a communication. They absolutely must continue to communicate until heard. This is human nature; so if kids don’t get to express themselves, they will either escalate their actions now or store it up for later.

When unheard upsets build, kids will turn to aggressive and challenging behaviors to show you instead. Those behaviors can be seen as a cry for help.

Things can escalate quickly if missed communications build over time. When parents or caregivers try to stop or scare kids out of angry and aggressive behavior, kids may try to prove that their upsets are very real by further intensifying their behaviors.

How to help your child step out of angry and aggressive behavior.

This is why I’m so passionate about Language of Listening®, the 3-part parenting framework that I use. Because even when you’re eyeballs deep in a stressful parenting situation, you’ll know how to respond to and connect with your kids.

Get on your child’s side.

The first part of Language of Listening is almost always SAY WHAT YOU SEE®, which means you describe the situation without any judgement, questions, teaching or fixing. This immediately re-connects you with your child and gets you on the same side.

When helping a child struggling with anger and aggression, getting on the same side is paramount.

Angry kids are experiencing a whole lot of hurt and anguish and the simplest way to help them calm down is to help them feel heard and understood. (Remember: Understanding your child’s point of view is not the same as agreeing with it or condoning a behavior.)

Here are some ways to use SAY WHAT YOU SEE with an angry child…

1. SAY the feeling.

“You’re really angry!”

“You’re enraged, frustrated and completely beside yourself!”

2. SAY what the child’s thinking.

“This isn’t what you wanted! You wanted to… And now you can’t. It’s no wonder you feel put out!”

“You think this isn’t fair. It’s like everyone makes all the decisions and no one understands your side of things!”

3. SAY what your child’s body is doing.

“Your heart is racing. Your arms are shaking. Your voice is rattling.”

“Your cheeks are hot and your throat feels tight. You’re so angry, your whole body is reacting!”

“You’re so upset, you can’t even bring yourself to talk right now.”

Getting on your child’s side is the first step towards facilitating anger in a healthy way. The more you can “match or mirror” your child’s intensity and facial expressions in a genuine way, the faster know you understand.

Related: The Most Powerful Way to Stop a Whining Child — Immediately

Facilitate the anger.

Once kids reach the point of anger and aggression, it’s all about meeting a need for power. In order for your child to calm down, this need absolutely must be met in some way.

This is why kids’ anger will intensify or explode again later if they aren’t allowed to first express their feelings and second meet their need for power.

The simplest way to meet an angry child’s need for power is to offer a way they CAN be angry and aggressive. This is the CAN DO part of Language of Listening.

Here are some ways to use CAN DOs with an angry child…

1. Offer the child something safe to hit, kick or bite.

If the child is already hitting, kicking or biting, then offer a soft cushion or object to hit, kick or bite. Kids who learn to channel that anger towards a safe object are creating a healthy solution.

If you think about it, there are lots of situations where aggression IS okay. Boxers hit each other for a living. Hunters shoot and kill animals for sport. Every day parents hit the gym to sock and jab a punching bag.

Rather than capping your child’s anger, which will just build and explode again later, you are helping him or her to release aggression without hurting others or themselves.

The sooner you can help your child discover a healthy outlet, the quicker they can meet their need for power and calm themselves down.

2. Offer the child something to rip or scream into.

Your child could rip paper or boxes. Or kids could scream into a pillow. If you’re out in public, head outside to the car and scream in the car.

Again, this can feel like you are condoning anger (and actually you are because you are not trying to stop the feeling, just helping your child find an acceptable way to get it out). CAN DOs help meet the need for power quickly. AND…once the need for power is met is the exact moment your child is open and ready to listen to guidance.

Related: Yelling at Kids: The Most Important Thing to Do After You Yell

3. Offer any choice that would help offer your child control.

Anything the child can do that works within your parenting boundary is a CAN DO. You can put your child in the lead and encourage them to come up with something themselves by saying…

“There must be something you can do!”

“There must be a way you can…!”

Dive into “Success Training” once everyone is calm.

Success Training will help your child discover his or her inner greatness. Every child is capable of controlling their emotional expressions; it’s only a matter of helping them recognize it.

This is the STRENGTHS part of Language of Listening where you can help your child see what they did right in a situation and apply it to future situations.

Here are some ways to use STRENGTHs with an angry child…

“You were so frustrated and angry; it was hard to find a way out. But you calmed yourself. That took a lot of self-control.”

“You took a really difficult situation and found a solution that would work for everyone. You accomplished a huge amount of problem-solving in a short amount of time!”

“What you did worked! You were filled with rage. Now, you’re calm and relaxed. You are in total control of your emotions! Next time, this is a strategy you can use.”

You might be wondering: what sent my son into an angry rage?

 As my son hopped out of the car, he asked, “Can I bring this book inside with me?”

“You know the rule. We can’t bring anything inside the daycare with us. You can have the book when we get back to the car.”

This is the moment that ignited his rage. And at first glance, it might seem like I should’ve said, “Oh stop it. It’s just a silly book. You can have it again in 5 minutes.” I mean, that thought certainly crossed my mind.

But I’ve learned that using Language of Listening instead of logical explanations from my own perspective takes far less time and everyone wins.

Related: 2 year-old not listening? Try this remarkable tip.

Here’s how it went instead…

“Ugh. All you want to do is bring one little book inside and you can’t. That is soooo frustrating! These rules are horrible! To top it all off, there were probably a TON of rules you had to follow earlier today at school that you didn’t want to. This is really hard for you!”

“Yeah” {wails}

“There’s just something about this book. It’s really important to you. There must be something important to you that we CAN DO on our way into the daycare.”

{silence, more tears}

“Hmmm…You could get a piggy-back ride on the way in. Or we could make strange faces while we walk inside or maybe we could…”

“Oh, I know. I want us to stick our tongues out at each other while we walk inside.”

“Okay buddy. That’s not what I expected. But okay. That would work for me.”

It’s never too late.

No matter your child’s age, it’s never too late to implement Language of Listening. In fact, it works great with adult friendships and relationships too.

More than anything, we all want to matter and feel understood. Anger and aggression is simply a way that people communicate to show others instead of telling them. 

Want more on parenting?

• One Surefire Way to Stop Entitlement and Raise Kind Kids
• The Real Reason Why Parents Yell at Their Kids
• 10 Powerful Responses When Your Child Whines or Complains
• How to Handle Back Talk and Disrespect Like a Parenting Warrior
• Parenting Anger: How to Help Yourself Cope When You’re Triggered

Disclaimer: If your child is struggling with serious or chronic anger and aggression, please seek professional help. It will change your child’s life and yours.