Raising Kids
Inside: With so much conflicting parenting advice, you may wonder how to raise a well-adjusted kid? Before you hide under the pillow, check out these 13 habits any parent can do.
I keep seeing posts about “entitled kids” making the rounds lately. In fact, you don’t have to look hard before you see things written about how “lazy” and “narcissistic” and “downright terrible” kids will become these days.
As a parent, you may read these articles and feel paralyzed by overwhelm and fear and mixed messages. What exactly is the right thing to do? Where am I going wrong? Should I give up and start a savings account for my kid’s future therapy sessions?
The part that scares me the most is we are so overwhelmed by the judgment in modern parenting that it feels safer (and by far easier) to do nothing, to turn on the tv and hide in technology Never, Never Land.
You should know something.
Change starts with one parent and one child at a time. You have a beautiful window of opportunity to build the foundation that your child desperately needs but also craves.
The foundation for things like generosity, responsibility, appreciation, warmth, kindness, helpfulness and hard-work ethic all starts during the early years.
Here’s the hard part.
It starts with us — the parents. Kids cannot even think at the maturity level needed to break a behavior cycle, let alone do anything about it. So, as the parents, it has to start with us. The foundation for well-adjusted kids always starts with us.
Here are 13 simple ways that help raise well-adjusted kids. Let’s get back to basics.
1. Boundaries
No brainer, right? But…It’s hard to set boundaries for kids and stick to them. This is especially true when kids push back, scream endlessly or threaten things like, “I hate you.” Remember that when kids act this way, they are meeting their own needs in the only way they know how. Depending on the boundary, it can take a long time before a child lovingly accepts a parent’s boundary.
When kids start to push back or scream less, this is actually your child moving towards acceptance of the boundary. If your boundary is like a wall (and not a door that confusingly swings open from time to time) your child will bounce and eventually work to meet his or her need in an alternative way.
The world is a very chaotic place. Boundaries help your child, not only feel grounded, but thrive. Check yourself and think about what your real boundaries are. Then remember, they’re brick walls, not doors.
2. Routines.
There’s so much of childhood that is new and challenging for kids. Learning self-control and empathy. Learning how to be a friend and interact with others. These are all very BIG things for kids. Using something as simple as these printable routine cards can help kids feel grounded and relaxed. In fact, knowing what to expect at mealtimes, mornings and bedtimes can bring a sense of relief to even the most carefree child.
Have a strong-willed child? Even better. Routines allow kids to feel a sense of control, something that is very important to a strong-willed child.
- How to build cooperation, better listening and independence using a printable daily schedule for kids
- A quick & easy toddler bedtime routine that works like a charm
3. Early bedtimes.
Sleep is the building block for healthy brain development. It helps us process the days events and learn from it. Kids brains are constantly developing and creating new neural connections. They absolutely must get sleep to nurture these connections.
Between kid activities, learning and always squeezing in tech time, kids are going to bed later and having a difficult time settling before sleep. One of the most basic things you can do for your kids behavior, health and well-being is to help them get the sleep they need.
- How to respond when your child is afraid to sleep alone
- Toddler keeps getting out of bed: 3 things to try.
- Kids fighting bedtime? This toddler bedtime routine works like a charm
- How to Handle Bedtime Tantrums
- How to Put a Toddler to Sleep Fast
4. Empathy.
What do kids really need to be happy and successful? The answer surprises most: Empathy. It’s the trait that allows us to “walk in another person’s shoes.” New research shows that empathy plays a major role in predicting kids’ happiness and success.
Though kids are hardwired to care, they aren’t born empathetic, just like they aren’t born knowing how to order a latte at Starbucks (wink). It’s a learned behavior.
“Empathy promotes kindness, prosocial behaviors, and moral courage, and it is an effective antidote to bullying, aggression, prejudice and racism. It’s why Forbes urges companies to adopt empathy and perspective-taking principles, the Harvard Business Review named it as one of the ‘essential ingredients for leadership success and excellent performance.’” – Dr. Michele Borba, psychologist and parenting expert.
5. Hugs
There is a saying by Virginia Satir, a respected family therapist, “We need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. We need twelve hugs a day for growth.”
“Hugging triggers the release of oxytocin, also known as the love hormone. This feel-good hormone has many important effects on our bodies. One of them is growth stimulation.
Studies show that hugging can instantly boost the level of oxytocin. When oxytocin is increased, several growth hormones, such as insulin-like growth factor-I (IGF-1) and nerve growth factor (NGF), are increased as well. The nurturing touch of a hug can enhance a child’s growth.” – Pamela Li, creator of Parenting for Brain
6. Playful parents
Children don’t say, ‘I had a hard day […] Can we talk?’ They say, ‘Will you play with me?’” – Lawrence Cohen
We don’t reserve much room in our lives for fun and games anymore. Our days are filled with stress, obligations and hard work, and without realizing it, we are more disconnected from our kids than ever. Play is the work of the child and to connect with our kids, we must play with our kids.
Taking the time to put down our phones and realize that our kids need. us. to. play. It sounds silly, but all the mindless funny cat videos and random Tasty recipes will still be there years later; our children won’t.
- This playful parenting game is the best way to end power struggles.
- How role play for preschoolers can completely transform challenging behavior into cooperation and connection.
7. Outdoor time
“Movement through active free play, especially outside, improves everything from creativity to academic success to emotional stability. Kids who don’t get to do this can have so many issues, from problems with emotional regulation—for example, they cry at the drop of a hat—to trouble holding a pencil, to touching other kids using too much force.” – Meryl Davids Landau, author of Enlightened Parenting
8. Chores
“Even though it is more difficult at the time to persist in having children do chores, kids benefit from the experience.
Research indicates that those children who do have a set of chores have higher self-esteem, are more responsible, and are better able to deal with frustration and delay gratification, all of which contribute to greater success in school.
Furthermore, research by Marty Rossman shows that involving children in household tasks at an early age can have a positive impact later in life. In fact, says Rossman, ‘the best predictor of young adults’ success in their mid-20’s was that they participated in household tasks when they were three or four.’” Deb Cohen, Center for Parenting Education
9. More screen-time limits
“In order for the brain’s neural networks to develop normally during the critical period, a child needs specific stimuli from the outside environment. These are rules that have evolved over centuries of human evolution, but—not surprisingly—these essential stimuli are not found on today’s tablet screens. When a young child spends too much time in front of a screen and not enough getting required stimuli from the real world, her development becomes stunted.” – Dr. Liraz Margalit, Behind Online Behavior
10. Experiences, not things.
“Children require less things and far more meaningful experiences. When they grow up, it’s not the stuff in their life they will remember, it’s that time you tried to catch tadpoles at the lake, or that sand castle you both built that the wave knocked over at the beach […] The best life experiences cost little to nothing, like a picnic in the park, blowing bubbles in the backyard, making chalk drawings on the sidewalk, or tossing a football around, but they all have one thing in common: you do them together. What kids really want in life is quality time spent with their parents.” – Sally White, parenting writer
11. Slow moving days.
“I encourage parents to take some time to just watch their children, whether they are playing, doing homework, or eating a snack. Take a moment to drink them in. Remember and remind yourself how remarkable your children are. That pause alone, even if momentary, can drive a shift in the pace.” John Duffy, clinical psychologist
12. Books read to them.
“One of the most important things parents can do, beyond keeping kids healthy and safe, is to read with them. That means starting when they are newborns and not even able to talk, and continuing well beyond the years that they can read by themselves. Study after study shows that early reading with children helps them learn to speak, interact, bond with parents and read early themselves, and reading with kids who already know how to read helps them feel close to caretakers, understand the world around them and be empathetic citizens of the world.” Amy Joyce, parenting writer
13. Music.
“Science has shown that when children learn to play music, their brains begin to hear and process sounds that they couldn’t otherwise hear. This helps them develop ‘neurophysiological distinction’ between certain sounds that can aid in literacy, which can translate into improved academic results for kids.” (source)
- A child’s brain develops faster with music education
- Providing high-quality music education nurtures success in kids
Need help with easier routines, chores and organization?
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More on parenting?
- Toddler not listening? How to communicate and get your message heard
- The most important thing you can do after you yell at your kids
- How to handle back talk and disrespect like a parenting warrior
- 3 things every parent of a strong willed toddler should know
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Loved this article, especially the line “Though kids are hardwired to care, they aren’t born empathetic, just like they aren’t born knowing how to order a latte at Starbucks (wink). It’s a learned behavior. ” I am sooooo guilty of teaching my kids the latter!
Thanks Tracey!
Thank u so much really appreciate!
Get off the cell phone when shopping. Talk to your child who is reaching out to you.
Read and implement LTC Goodman’s book, Assassination Generation. It addresses the issue of the impact of video games on children, families, and communities.
I would love to print this for my class. Is there a print friendly version?
This was a Great article. It was so helpful. I take care of 3 children, ages 8, 6 and 4. They have been emotionally and physically abused by their Parents. They are now in the care of their 23 year old sister. But their Mother threatens on a regular basis to come an get them on any given day. The children and their sister live in one state. The mother and her boyfriend in another. The father in another. The sister has 2 to 3 jobs to pay the bills. The children are receiving therapy. I hope to share this article with her. Thank you so much.
Hi Lauren! Great article! You hit the nail on the head! My daughter is a Military mom and wife! They are stationed in England right now! I added another point to your list. Prayer! I pray for them often and a praying family is crucial! And lastly, be consistently involved in a good local church! They can then be taught the most important rules for successful living!
beautiful! lots of food for thought
Thank you!
Spot on. It explains why my children are lovely grown ups and why I now have wonderful grandchildren. Thankful to my mom who knew these things in the 60’s and to Lauren for sharing this info. in such a clear manner. I hope all parents read this.
Thanks Cathy
We had early bedtimes because my mom needed her time.
She would spend her evening watching tv that we couldn’t watch then straighten up the house and go to bed.
Very helpful! Thank you for sharing!
“Boundaries are walls not a swinging door”. Excellent article.
Hi Lauren,
I love your blog and value your insight. I wish I had found your site years ago when my boys were little. Do you have any advice on self destructive behavior for a 9 year old. When he is under stress he has taken to pulling his hair or hitting his head with his fist. I appreciate any advice you can offer.
Pamela,
Thanks for your words of encouragement! It sounds like your son is very, very stressed. Everything children do and say is a communication, and children must continue to communicate until they are heard. When kids feel stressed and they aren’t able to communicate their upsets in words, they will turn to things like pulling out hair to show you instead. As a very basic starting point to helping your son feel heard and understood, I highly recommend my mentor Sandy’s book. You can read it online here for free: https://www.languageoflistening.com/resources/read-swys-book/. Then please contact a social worker, counselor or psychologist to help you and your son together find ways for him to voice his stress and upsets without hurting himself. It will change you life and your child’s.
It seems hard to put children to bed early when they don’t get home from school till 4:30, then spend a minimum of 1 – 1 1/2 hours on homework, then dinner. When do they play? When can the get outside, when it gets dark by 5:00? This is my grandchildren’s situation. Homework is a huge struggle because they just sat through 8 hours of school and 40 minutes of travel to and from school.
I think the early to bed is more for the younger children, but in the winter months I think it’s ok to have older children to bed earlier too. They don’t necessarily have to have lights out, but just get settled in for a goods night rest.
These are great. I did all of them. They do not stop mental illness or trauma.
Concerned,
You’re absolutely right. These things are basic starting blocks for building a foundation of well-adjusted kids. But they are not a cure-all against mental illness or trauma. It’s much more complex than that.
Boys are teens. Stubborn ones high- functioning Autistic. Any help recreating Myself, would be great!Wendy A. Uher
Thank u for this post. It reaffirms my actions and gives me strength to continue.
I liked this article. Do you have any suggestions for connecting with Teens?
I want to abolish the use of the term “well-adjusted” when referring to kids. Adjusted to what? I am not commenting on the advise, mind you! (I tis sound advise!) Just that term, which I used to happily throw in reports and comments when I was a teacher.
I argue that kids will adjust to pretty much anything. There are kids who are well-adjusted to domestic violence, abuse, war and the like.
I advocate for the much more positive and worth seeking term “GROUNDED”. What do you think?
I agree dear. Grounded gives much more accurate explaination on how humans should grow to be 🙂
Great advice! I love the part about making boundaries a wall and not s door. Kids look to you for consistency. They want to know that you mean what you say and are dependable. It’s important to choose carefully what the walks will be. You want things you can stick to so “pick your battles” was a big deal in our house.
Thank you- we love them!
Very interesting. Thanks for sharing.
I agree with just about everything you wrote but I think you left a very important part out.Both parents need to be on the same page about how to raise their children.If one parent does not support the other it confuses the child and they will respect one parent and not the other.My wife and I made sure the children knew our happiness and love for each other came first.They were not the most important part of the family but they were loved and respected!
To be perfectly honest that is something my husband and I really struggle with. We both came from single parent households and I really don’t get how a healthy two parent household works. It’s something we are trying to be better about! She’s 5 so there is some damage done but hopefully we will get it figured out for her.
I believe the term you are looking for instead of “Empathy” is compassion. Empathy means you have been through something and therefore can sympathize with someone else going through it.
Wonderful advice! I can actually tell when my kids have had too much tv time. Their behavior changes dramatically, but just a few minutes outside can turn them right around! Thank you for the beautiful reminder to us all!
Yes! And these habits need to continue through the even harder teen years, where boundaries, responsibilities, and compassion (empathy) are very important.
Totally agree Patricia!
I am a family physician who sees a lot of kids. I’d like to consider adding this to the material I give to my new parents. Is there a way I can get to a printable version? Thanks.
Ken, I believe in the social share buttons, there’s an email version. It will email you a copy of the article and from there you can print. I hope this helps!
– Lauren
The title of 12 has a typo. Parents should read books to them, not “books read to them”. Loved the article though, it helped me to appreciate my own parents more and all the work they went through!
I facilitated groups with adolescents referred by the criminal justice system. This article is a very well organized and based on the suggestions of some very respected behavioral experts.
This was very good and distilled. Having read a bunch of this stuff, I agree completely. Thanks for the food for thought ?
Thanks for the tips. Ive beeng strugling with a few things with my toddler, that will defnetly help a lot.
Setting clear boundaries and sticking to them is so challenging. You know that it is for the greater good, but sometimes it seems almost impossible to endure. However, the reward is amazing.
Such an interesting and informative article to read, thanks a lot for sharing this with us.
Nice information, I believe that anyone who wants to know something about this topic will like the post. I really loved reading blog.
This is really great,unique and very informitive post, I like it. thanks
Beautiful, I mean Amazing and very Helpful Article. I would suggest Yoga for Kids. If Kids adapts Yoga in their childhood, so, they will have a better future. Thank you for this article.
I wanted to leave a little comment to support you and wish you a good continuation. Wishing you the best of luck for all your blogging efforts.
I am really enjoying reading your well-written articles. Thanks for sharing this.
Great article, thank you Lauren.
Best article I have read in a long time. I am a Preschool Director and sent this to all my families!! Great stuff!!
Beth
Very interesting article! And who believes that the name also affects character as well as upbringing? Horo.io has a great article on choosing a name for a child
Nice Article, Great Sharing..
Thank you soo much for such a beautiful article , inspired
This is certainly the best advise ever read by me. I thank you for sharig these type of articles.
As an educator, mother of three grown sons and grandmother of two sweet boys, this article and information is important in raising children. Routines, boundaries and time spent are extremely valuable. Set technology aside and enjoy the little things in life, they grow up quickly! Live life in a loving, nurturing way!
As a fifty something year old, I will attest to the importance of structure, routine and most of all CONSISTENCY and fairness in setting boundaries, enforcing rules and establishing routines. My mother was authoritarian but the rules were fluid according to her feelings at any given moment, and as a result we Were always pushing to see what we could get away with, resulting in chaotic, harsh treatment and many other issues we could never seem to put behind us. She was the same as our employer. Something was tolerable today but may not be tomorrow, and rules were not enforced consistently or equally.. makes life as an adult more difficult in many ways.
If I give you credit, can I share parts of this article with parents and on our school website?
My daughter’s are grown with their own families and I would like to add my own suggestions in conjunction and addition to your advice. First you must remember you are the adult/parent. Y p ur child does not have the knowledge, brain development or life experience to make many decisions beyond what they want for breakfast. My most important job was to raise two daughters who were prepared to go out in the world as prepared as possible. Consistency is crucial. No matter how busy or tired you cannot let anything get past you. The first time you waiver gor whatever reason your child will see an opportunity to get their way over and over. If you caved once you will cave again. Bedtime is utmost to your child’s health and performance at school. One daughter is an elementary school teacher and she says that lack of sleep is the biggest deterent to learning. Bedtime is determined by age. And teens need lots of sleep. In bed reading by 0 and lights out by 10. If your 6 year old screams “I hate you!” Don’t get upset. Consider the source. A child with no other means of expression. Ask uourself, would you rather have the temporary (30 minutes max) “hate” or the respect of a 26 year old who is succeeding because of what you taught him? The latter is most important. I told my girls that it didn’t matter if they didn’t like rules because they would have to follow rules all their lives. But when they are grown they are called laws. Yelling and screaming will only get a negative reaction. Yelling never taught a child or trained a dog. Punishment is based on age and crime. If time outs are only teaching your child to yell time it needs to be scrapped. You need to have punishment get their attention. My favorite story involves my older daughter. She was about 15 or 16. The girls each did the dishes every other night. No dishwasher. I didn’t make them dry and out them away because I got home before anyone and would put them away the next afternoon.. They were able to work it between themselves regarding trading nights in case one had a function that night. But my older girl had always gotten her sister to do what she wanted. I realized my older girl probably owed her sister 2 weeks. So the next time she said she had to go someplace and her sis was taking her turn I said no she’s not. Shock! “But you said we could work it out ourselves” I said yes but she never returned any night back. So she went into the kitchen fuming but when she left the kitchen looked great. The next day I went to put the dishes away and they all looked like they had after dinner; plates silverware, everything. I figure she filled up the sink with dish water and the other with rinse water and grabbed the stack of plates plunged them into the soapy water pulled them out and then did the plunge in the rinse water and into the rack. When she got home from school we said our hellos and how are yous and chit chatted. Then I calmly got up and started towards the kitchen and over my shoulder said come here I want to show you something. Her face said she knew but held out hope. I pointed to the dishes in the rack and said “you did not wash any of those dishes. You will wash them now.” And I took the dishes out of the rack and stacked them on the counter. I then opened the cabinet and started bringing out bowls, glasses, when she protested “I didn’t wash those!” I calmly looked at her and matter of factly replied “you didn’t wash those either”. No anger, yelling or demanding an explanation on my part. No argument on her part. But I got her attention. There is so much more I want to say but this is too long already. But one more thing, there isn’t a child born who has their operating instructions in a sealed plastic bag tied to a toe. You can only do what you think what is right and indulging your child isn’t right. And hope. But if you say or do something like think they broke something or whatever and punished them only to discover they didn’t do it do not hesitate to apologize. And never withhold your love as punishment. Hate the sin love your child.
This sounds like something that my Mother had written. I feel like I was raised the good old fashion way. I think I turned out very good and so did both of my boys. I am happy and so are my boys and I know my Mother is sitting on a cloud looking down at us with a great big smile. Thank you Mom. I love you.
Thanks, I’ve tried every thing to get my 7 yr. Old foster child to listen, take me as the authority. I’m sure I’ll have an easier time now that I read your page.
Please send me your email. Thank you
I am a new mom and the issues that this article addressed have always stressed me out. The way that you so gracefully explained the solutions really put me at ease and gave me some confidence for the future. I have read many a parenting blog but your style and delivery are the most effective I have ever seen. This is my first time dropping in, I will be back!
What constitutes an “early bed time”?
Hi there, yup this article is in fact nice and I have learned lot of things
Thanks for sharing stunning ideas .
Hi,
Thanks for sharing these wonderful ideas with us. I would love to follow you to read more valuable guides like this.
I believe in every word you say.
Yes, the doctor can only help to treat them if they suffer physically. But they can’t help to grow them mentally.
Today, we parents are so busy that we give our child phone or tablet to make feel them happy.
But such kind of behavior of us will be harmful for our child.
I especially love these points: Outdoor time,,,Early bedtimes
Thanks for this valuable amazing post, keep posting.
I just rediscovered your blog and I swear I could read it all day. It’s like you are speaking directly to me. I have 2 strong willed kids and I’m sure my 4 month old will be the same way.
After reading this post, I had a question about boundaries. I fully agree the more structure, routines and boundaries the better for strong willed kids. Sometimes, however, I feel they have done so well that I want to let loose a little and allow them to have a second snack or watch one more show of Puppy Pals. Is that okay as a reward for good behavior or is that sending mixed signals?
Thank you for all you do!