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Inside this post: Learn the most effective way to respond when your child is afraid to sleep alone. If your child keeps getting out of bed and is afraid of the dark, this tip will help with nighttime anxiety.
“Mommy, there are monsters in here!”
Out of nowhere, my son was afraid to sleep alone, and if I’m being honest, I was about to give him a real-life mommy monster. We’d been at this for over an hour.
“Son, you’re fine. There are no monsters in here. Remember?”
The desperation in both our voices was palpable. Him desperate for me to stay. Me desperate to leave. I was pleading with him at this point.
How do I go from thinking “this moment is fleeting” to completely teetering on “the verge of a mommy volcano” ?
I continued to impress logical thinking upon him, “There is nothing to be afraid of. You are totally safe here.”
I was wrong.
One of the most difficult parts of parenting is realizing that the way an adult brain works is completely different than a child’s brain.
Adults brains are fueled by logic.
Kids brains are fueled by emotion.
I’m over here pumping unleaded into my kid’s brain, and it only runs on diesel. It seems like it should work just fine, but unfortunately, it’s just not the same thing.
Here’s the kicker.
One of the main principles of Language of Listening® is that kids will continue to communicate until they feel heard.
So the more I pumped him with my logical views of the situation, the more he needed to prove that his feelings, thoughts and ideas were totally legit.
When I said, “You’re fine.”
He thought, “Yep. Definitely not fine! I should convince her better.”
When I said, “There’s no monsters in here.”
He thought, “There’s definitely monsters in here. She doesn’t get it. I’ll keep telling her.”
This is the power struggle conundrum: the more you resist your child’s thoughts and ideas, the more they push back with their own thoughts and ideas.
Convincing.
Proving.
It’s like hitting your head against the proverbial wall; you keep going in circles, and it starts to get pretty darn — ahem — maddening.
Related: 2 Year Old Sleep Regression Explained. Why It Happens and Solutions.
What to do when your child is afraid to sleep alone.
This is where Language of Listening® is so useful. It’s easy to apply to any parenting situation, and it works beautifully when kids are afraid of the dark!
When your child is afraid to sleep alone, dive into that experience and explore it with your child. In the evening, when it comes up, start with 3 simple steps:
1) Say What You See®.
“You saw monsters in your room somewhere. And wow, that just really stuck with you. There’s something about it that you can’t let go. And you want to feel safe. Right now, you think the only thing that will help you feel safe is me laying down next to you and sleeping. Hmmmm….there must be something we can do to help you feel safe AND fall asleep on your own.”
Follow the child’s lead, validate the emotions (no matter how illogical it seems).
2) Offer a Can Do.
- Create a special blanket together that could serve as a “shield” when they are in bed.
- The child could choose a nightlight that would help her feel safe.
- The child could listen to a song before bed that helps her feel safe.
- Create a special “monster spray” and let the child keep in on the nightstand.
Or you could use my all-time favorite Can Do for kids afraid of the dark:
Take the monsters out of the room, walk them to the front door, politely tell them it’s not okay to sleep here anymore, shut the door and lock them out.
(Just don’t use too much enthusiasm and dramatic play or your child will find this hilariously entertaining and become wide awake. Hmpf.)
2.5) If needed, use wants and wishes.
You can say…”You just really want me to sleep with you. You wish I could sleep with you all night, every night and never leave your side. You’d LOVE that!”
Then re-state the boundary using Say What You See®…”You want me to sleep next to you AND I’m not okay with that. Hmmm…there must be another way to help you feel safe.”
3. Name Strengths.
Each time your child manages to stay in bed or calm themselves, name those strengths.
“Wow, you stayed in bed even though you didn’t want to. That took a HUGE amount of self control.”
Or “Wow, you handled that. You conquered your fear and found a way to feel safe.”
So…did this “cure” his nighttime anxiety?
Every now and again, my son will pop out of his room to share a new fear that is upsetting him. Language of Listening® won’t “cure” my son’s feelings or emotions.
Nor will it switch off his vibrant imagination.
However, it does empower me to coach my child through nighttime anxiety and his fears over sleeping alone.
Without turning into a real-life mommy monster, who ignites fear, I still got the same results: a child sleeping in his own bed.
Except there was an unexpected bonus: a mom who felt good about the way it happened.
Want more on parenting?
- One Simple Trick to Help Kids Fall Asleep Fast
- The Real Reason Kids Never Want to Go to Sleep
- How to Handle Backtalk Like a Calm Parenting Warrior
- 10 Powerful Responses to Use With a Complaining Child
- 2 Year-Old Sleep Schedule That Helps Everyone Get More Sleep
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When my son Robert was four, he was very afraid of monsters. He put all his big Tonka trucks around the edges of his bed for protection. Going to sleep at night was hard.. One day I had a brilliant idea, to have him draw and color pictures of all the scary monsters in his room. I told him that his Uncle Mark LOVED monsters. Mark only four years older, but Robert really looked up to him. Those monsters stayed at Mark’s house and never came back..
Wow. What a great story, Susan! Thank you for sharing that.
I like this idea
My grandson is 6 an still cant sleep by himself.I leave a light on an tv read a bedtime story.
He says Im scared. I even made a pillow with everyone pictures,that didnt work .
Lauren, such a clear explanation of why listening matters so much. I especially loved how validating this would feel to a child: “Take the monsters out of the room, walk them to the front door, politely tell them it’s not okay to sleep here anymore, shut the door and lock them out.” Brilliant! – Thank you!
My child is afraid of some person under her bed trying to “kill me” what do I do.
you should keep on a night light and put all of her toys under the bed and say look there is no space for someone under your bed because all of your stuffed animals will protect you
Lauren,
My son became afraid of the dark and the closet when he was four. My daughter started waking with bad dreams when she was 3.5. I couldn’t take it anymore. I told them a bedtime story that took the scary things and made them silly. It worked so well, I turned it into a book. Now we all sleep soundly through the night, and my kids are 6 & 7. The book is “Braving Bedtime” and it’s available on Amazon. Therapists in CO, NC, and CA are using it with their patients. There’s also an animated app at LoveLaughRead.com. I would love to send you a copy and see if it helps/what you think.
All the best,
Allison Johnson
p.s. – my sister was married to a career Marine – he’s retired now. Military moms are the strongest!!
My son become afraid of the dark when he was only six. My husband just went to the Marines and am usually alone most of the time. On my bedroom alone and my son alone. When the wind blows from outside, shivering fills the house. How we wish our soldier could be available at home frequently.
Lauren,
My 3yo daughter has trouble sleeping by herself. She will come into our room at 3am and climb in bed.. or into her sisters crib. This has been ongoing…
In asking why, she states:
-I don’t like waking up by myself alone.
-it’s sad to be alone.
-you have mommy
-there is no one to make me happy when I’m sad
We’ve tried stuffed animals, safety blankets, have her sleep in her younger sisters room on a mattress….
It’s been a long night … looking for whatever advice you might have
Alex
Any updates? We are experiencing the exact same issue with our four year old. She doesn’t want to sleep alone, comparing me and my husband have eachother and she has no one.
Lauren,
Two grandchildren were dropped off at a fire station by their homeless Mother. They were shuffled through five foster homes before we became legal guardians.
Now, five years later, our nine year old grandson still needs my wife to fall asleep with him, more often than not through the night. When approached, he gets embarrassed and refuses to discuss. Retired Marine at 65, could our two generation gap be an issue?
Thank you for your passion. Semper Fi.
With kids from a trauma background, there is a lot hardwired into the brain that even the child doesn’t understand. One of the best things you can do is play therapy to start getting the kids to talk. I highly recommend The Parent Survival Guide by Theresa Kellam. It can help get you started at home with play therapy, even if you’re not able to work with a professional at this time. If at age nine, your grandchild still needs your wife for comfort while he falls asleep, I would feel confident doing so. It demonstrates a strong bond and trust with your wife, and it helps him feel safe! The next steps to helping him transition to falling asleep on his own would be for him to find ways he can help HIMSELF feel safe – during sleep or otherwise. That will be an empowering position for him!
I am having real issues with my soon to be 5 yr old daughter. She’s scared of being in her room on her own and wants an adult to be with her all night. This has now gone on for about 4 weeks. Ive got her a nighttime buddy, she has a night light. Im just not sure what to do anymore. I got angry last night….felt awful. It all started when she woke up one night after having a dream and did not go back to sleep, it was 02.30am!!!! I just don’t know what to do??? Please help?? Ive just read your page above so will be trying a couple of these tonight
Thanks Lori xx
My question is…why are kids these days so afraid of the dark or sleeping alone or monsters in their room?
When I was growing up I didn’t think about any of that…just remember going to sleep in my cosy bed.
What are these kids doing during the day? Are they watching fearful movies and shows? Are they seeing things their parents are watching or doing that kids shouldn’t see and causing fear?
Kids need to be playing outside and riding their bikes and climbing trees! Let them play without fear!
I’m afraid this generation is raising fearful children that will grow into anxious adults and it doesn’t have to be this way!
My daughter, 8, started sleeping on our floor a year ago because she heard noises from the duplex attached to us. They have moved out, but she is still afraid to sleep in her room in her bed. We’ve tried a nightlight and lying with her a while.
This is such a wonderful article. I have been searching, for help for my grandbaby boy who is 5. He is a really bad sleeper. He is so restless all night long. He doesn’t sleep well at all. When he spends the night with me, if he is touching me with his toe, he is fine. If not, he is all over the bed hunting. His mom and dad, have no patience at all. I was a walker and a talker growing up. I still am a vivid dreamer and understand his monster mind. I wish his parents did. They just think it will fix itself. It won’t. I have purchased the peanut a dream catcher and a tent to put over his bed and made him some monster spray. I pray his mom and day will use the walk out the monsters and/or spray them out and ask them to leave. I just loved that idea. Thank you for your article. My folks purchase my dream catcher from some Indians many many years ago. I thought I was something else having it hanging over my bed. I pray it works for my little Jackson. Thank you so much for your article. Jackson has such night terrors and is scared to death. I can so relate to him. I wish his mom and dad could. I just say bless these babies hearts – I might be 64 but I am a baby at heart. Hugs and I pray all your babies sleep tight.
Sounds great. BUT…….I tried that and still try that with my 12 year old……DOESN’T WORK.
Thats because your child is 12 (7th grader) these methods are for like 6 and under… A 12 yr old may need to seek medical advice if this is still happening for better methods because this behavior is most common in younger children.
Hi Lauren, Thanks so much for your website and this blog. I love this approach!
I am currently struggling with my 2.5 year old and I have been trying the gentle approaches and really want to stick with it. My struggle is that she cannot tell me what is actually bothering her about sleeping alone. I don’t know if it is monsters, dark, or anything else because she hasn’t told me and I can’t really figure it out yet. She can sleep through the night but getting her to sleep is taking so long and I am completely drained because I also have a 6 month old who is still waking 2-4 times at night, currently because of a bi-lateral ear infection. I will try the CAN-DO and wants and wishes tonight. Thank you for any extra tips with my toddler.
I’ve been dealing with 2 hours sleep a night for the past week because my three year old decided that she doesn’t like sleeping alone. She’ll go to bed fine but come 1 am, she starts coming in my room and I’ll take her back. This will go on back and forth until 4:30/5:00 in the morning when I finally give up and sleep on her floor. Would you happen to have any more articles on how to stop this so we can get the sleep we need?
Just let her sleep with you at 1pm
Is obviously not Working for you to return her to her bed, I think is pointless to fight it, at he end you and her need up not sleeping well, she wants protection, eventually she will reach a grade of maturity and she won’t go to your bedroom anymore.
Just let her sleep with you when she goes to your bedroom
What your doing now is not Working , I think is pointless to fight it, at the end you and her end up not sleeping well, she wants protection, eventually she will reach a grade of maturity and she won’t go to your bedroom anymore.
Hi Mary, I can tell you’re frustrated and want a quick solution. There are essentially three options:
1. let her sleep in your bed
2. sleep in her room, possibly with a bigger bed.
3. go back and forth every hour for 4-5 hours.
It sounds like her underlying need is connection and she just wants to be close to you. If you want to continue with the back and forth, the best solutions would have to help her feel connected to you, even when you’re not sleeping with her. While frustrating for you, it’s completely natural for a 3 year old to seek strong connection with a parent, especially during the night. It’s built into our DNA. As her brain matures, she’ll develop more self-control and start to understand that your connection / bond is stable even when you’re not together. In the meantime, there is no right or wrong answer here. If you decide to sleep with her, it’s not an indication that you’ll be sleeping together long-term.
I used to have this problem when my kids were 3 & 5. Bedtime was difficult, they would come out of their rooms constantly every evening. We moved into a new house and the bedrooms upstairs needed remodeled before the kids could move into their new rooms, so we put all our beds together in one room. We’ve been co-sleeping ever since, close to 2 years. The kids are so content, we tuck them in at night, tell them we’ll be in after we get out nightly chores done and they go to sleep. We’ve finished the bedrooms upstairs, the kids moved their toys up to their rooms, but said they weren’t ready to sleep up there. It works for us…my husband and I do have to find other places to be intimate rather than our bed : )
Nicole, you found a perfect solution for your family. It works!
My kid is 3, he uses any excuse not to go to sleep. I tell him to go to sleep right now or he will not get cartoons or candy (whatever works for you) the next day. He started to use the excuse he is scared. Its still just an excuse, and whats more important candy tomorrow or not going to sleep today?
So you punish a 3 year old for potentially fearing the night?
Thanks for your question. When kids struggle to go to sleep or struggle with bedtime in general, it’s a clear sign there there is an unmet underlying neet. All kids have 3 basic needs – power, experience and connection – and when unmet needs build throughout the day, they will surely show their face at bedtime. The kids feel it; you feel it. The simplest path to a cooperative bedtime is to discover the underlying need. With most kids, the underlying need is almost always connection – especially with a 3 year old. This is why bribery, threats and yelling rarely work when the underlying need is connection because “taking away candy” still won’t meet his underlying need for connection. Kids will continue to persist until the need is met – you can see this when he persists with any excuse he can think of to continue engaging and connecting with you. He wants to feel connected to you AND going to sleep feels like a break in connection. The solutions here would be for him to find a creative way to feel connected to you EVEN when you are not with him. Before he is going to step into problem solving, however, validating is wants and needs, along with hugs and working with him to feel safe are great first steps to meeting his need for connection and enjoying a more cooperative bedtime.