Schedule / RoutineInside this post: Learn the most effective way to respond when your child is afraid to sleep alone. If your child keeps getting out of bed and is afraid of the dark, this tip will help with nighttime anxiety.
“Mommy, there are monsters in here!”
Out of nowhere, my son was afraid to sleep alone, and if I’m being honest, I was about to give him a real-life mommy monster. We’d been at this for over an hour.
“Son, you’re fine. There are no monsters in here. Remember?”
The desperation in both our voices was palpable. Him desperate for me to stay. Me desperate to leave. I was pleading with him at this point.
How do I go from thinking “this moment is fleeting” to completely teetering on “the verge of a mommy volcano” ?
I continued to impress logical thinking upon him, “There is nothing to be afraid of. You are totally safe here.”
I was wrong.
One of the most difficult parts of parenting is realizing that the way an adult brain works is completely different than a child’s brain.
Adults brains are fueled by logic.
Kids brains are fueled by emotion.
I’m over here pumping unleaded into my kid’s brain, and it only runs on diesel. It seems like it should work just fine, but unfortunately, it’s just not the same thing.
Here’s the kicker.
One of the main principles of Language of Listening® is that kids will continue to communicate until they feel heard.
So the more I pumped him with my logical views of the situation, the more he needed to prove that his feelings, thoughts and ideas were totally legit.
When I said, “You’re fine.”
He thought, “Yep. Definitely not fine! I should convince her better.”
When I said, “There’s no monsters in here.”
He thought, “There’s definitely monsters in here. She doesn’t get it. I’ll keep telling her.”
This is the power struggle conundrum: the more you resist your child’s thoughts and ideas, the more they push back with their own thoughts and ideas.
Convincing.
Proving.
It’s like hitting your head against the proverbial wall; you keep going in circles, and it starts to get pretty darn — ahem — maddening.
Related: 2 Year Old Sleep Regression Explained. Why It Happens and Solutions.
What to do when your child is afraid to sleep alone.
This is where Language of Listening® is so useful. It’s easy to apply to any parenting situation, and it works beautifully when kids are afraid of the dark!
When your child is afraid to sleep alone, dive into that experience and explore it with your child. In the evening, when it comes up, start with 3 simple steps:
1) Say What You See®.
“You saw monsters in your room somewhere. And wow, that just really stuck with you. There’s something about it that you can’t let go. And you want to feel safe. Right now, you think the only thing that will help you feel safe is me laying down next to you and sleeping. Hmmmm….there must be something we can do to help you feel safe AND fall asleep on your own.”
Follow the child’s lead, validate the emotions (no matter how illogical it seems).
2) Offer a Can Do.
- Create a special blanket together that could serve as a “shield” when they are in bed.
- The child could choose a nightlight that would help her feel safe.
- The child could listen to a song before bed that helps her feel safe.
- Create a special “monster spray” and let the child keep in on the nightstand.
Or you could use my all-time favorite Can Do for kids afraid of the dark:
Take the monsters out of the room, walk them to the front door, politely tell them it’s not okay to sleep here anymore, shut the door and lock them out.
(Just don’t use too much enthusiasm and dramatic play or your child will find this hilariously entertaining and become wide awake. Hmpf.)
2.5) If needed, use wants and wishes.
You can say…”You just really want me to sleep with you. You wish I could sleep with you all night, every night and never leave your side. You’d LOVE that!”
Then re-state the boundary using Say What You See®…”You want me to sleep next to you AND I’m not okay with that. Hmmm…there must be another way to help you feel safe.”
3. Name Strengths.
Each time your child manages to stay in bed or calm themselves, name those strengths.
“Wow, you stayed in bed even though you didn’t want to. That took a HUGE amount of self control.”
Or “Wow, you handled that. You conquered your fear and found a way to feel safe.”
So…did this “cure” his nighttime anxiety?
Every now and again, my son will pop out of his room to share a new fear that is upsetting him. Language of Listening® won’t “cure” my son’s feelings or emotions.
Nor will it switch off his vibrant imagination.
However, it does empower me to coach my child through nighttime anxiety and his fears over sleeping alone.
Without turning into a real-life mommy monster, who ignites fear, I still got the same results: a child sleeping in his own bed.
Except there was an unexpected bonus: a mom who felt good about the way it happened.
This is such a wonderful article. I have been searching, for help for my grandbaby boy who is 5. He is a really bad sleeper. He is so restless all night long. He doesn’t sleep well at all. When he spends the night with me, if he is touching me with his toe, he is fine. If not, he is all over the bed hunting. His mom and dad, have no patience at all. I was a walker and a talker growing up. I still am a vivid dreamer and understand his monster mind. I wish his parents did. They just think it will fix itself. It won’t. I have purchased the peanut a dream catcher and a tent to put over his bed and made him some monster spray. I pray his mom and day will use the walk out the monsters and/or spray them out and ask them to leave. I just loved that idea. Thank you for your article. My folks purchase my dream catcher from some Indians many many years ago. I thought I was something else having it hanging over my bed. I pray it works for my little Jackson. Thank you so much for your article. Jackson has such night terrors and is scared to death. I can so relate to him. I wish his mom and dad could. I just say bless these babies hearts – I might be 64 but I am a baby at heart. Hugs and I pray all your babies sleep tight.
Sounds great. BUT…….I tried that and still try that with my 12 year old……DOESN’T WORK.
Thats because your child is 12 (7th grader) these methods are for like 6 and under… A 12 yr old may need to seek medical advice if this is still happening for better methods because this behavior is most common in younger children.
Hi Lauren, Thanks so much for your website and this blog. I love this approach!
I am currently struggling with my 2.5 year old and I have been trying the gentle approaches and really want to stick with it. My struggle is that she cannot tell me what is actually bothering her about sleeping alone. I don’t know if it is monsters, dark, or anything else because she hasn’t told me and I can’t really figure it out yet. She can sleep through the night but getting her to sleep is taking so long and I am completely drained because I also have a 6 month old who is still waking 2-4 times at night, currently because of a bi-lateral ear infection. I will try the CAN-DO and wants and wishes tonight. Thank you for any extra tips with my toddler.
Same issue here! PLEASE advice! My 3 YO started this when she was 2.5 YO. It’s taking forever to sleep and she won’t say what is she afraid of. She is also afraid of staying in any room by herself even during the day. What can I do? Note that we have moved to a bigger house and had a baby recently, but she started this even before we move or have the new baby.
I’ve been dealing with 2 hours sleep a night for the past week because my three year old decided that she doesn’t like sleeping alone. She’ll go to bed fine but come 1 am, she starts coming in my room and I’ll take her back. This will go on back and forth until 4:30/5:00 in the morning when I finally give up and sleep on her floor. Would you happen to have any more articles on how to stop this so we can get the sleep we need?
Just let her sleep with you at 1pm
Is obviously not Working for you to return her to her bed, I think is pointless to fight it, at he end you and her need up not sleeping well, she wants protection, eventually she will reach a grade of maturity and she won’t go to your bedroom anymore.
Just let her sleep with you when she goes to your bedroom
What your doing now is not Working , I think is pointless to fight it, at the end you and her end up not sleeping well, she wants protection, eventually she will reach a grade of maturity and she won’t go to your bedroom anymore.
Hi Mary, I can tell you’re frustrated and want a quick solution. There are essentially three options:
1. let her sleep in your bed
2. sleep in her room, possibly with a bigger bed.
3. go back and forth every hour for 4-5 hours.
It sounds like her underlying need is connection and she just wants to be close to you. If you want to continue with the back and forth, the best solutions would have to help her feel connected to you, even when you’re not sleeping with her. While frustrating for you, it’s completely natural for a 3 year old to seek strong connection with a parent, especially during the night. It’s built into our DNA. As her brain matures, she’ll develop more self-control and start to understand that your connection / bond is stable even when you’re not together. In the meantime, there is no right or wrong answer here. If you decide to sleep with her, it’s not an indication that you’ll be sleeping together long-term.
I used to have this problem when my kids were 3 & 5. Bedtime was difficult, they would come out of their rooms constantly every evening. We moved into a new house and the bedrooms upstairs needed remodeled before the kids could move into their new rooms, so we put all our beds together in one room. We’ve been co-sleeping ever since, close to 2 years. The kids are so content, we tuck them in at night, tell them we’ll be in after we get out nightly chores done and they go to sleep. We’ve finished the bedrooms upstairs, the kids moved their toys up to their rooms, but said they weren’t ready to sleep up there. It works for us…my husband and I do have to find other places to be intimate rather than our bed : )
Nicole, you found a perfect solution for your family. It works!
My kid is 3, he uses any excuse not to go to sleep. I tell him to go to sleep right now or he will not get cartoons or candy (whatever works for you) the next day. He started to use the excuse he is scared. Its still just an excuse, and whats more important candy tomorrow or not going to sleep today?
So you punish a 3 year old for potentially fearing the night?
Thanks for your question. When kids struggle to go to sleep or struggle with bedtime in general, it’s a clear sign there there is an unmet underlying neet. All kids have 3 basic needs – power, experience and connection – and when unmet needs build throughout the day, they will surely show their face at bedtime. The kids feel it; you feel it. The simplest path to a cooperative bedtime is to discover the underlying need. With most kids, the underlying need is almost always connection – especially with a 3 year old. This is why bribery, threats and yelling rarely work when the underlying need is connection because “taking away candy” still won’t meet his underlying need for connection. Kids will continue to persist until the need is met – you can see this when he persists with any excuse he can think of to continue engaging and connecting with you. He wants to feel connected to you AND going to sleep feels like a break in connection. The solutions here would be for him to find a creative way to feel connected to you EVEN when you are not with him. Before he is going to step into problem solving, however, validating is wants and needs, along with hugs and working with him to feel safe are great first steps to meeting his need for connection and enjoying a more cooperative bedtime.
My daughter is 10 years old and she can’t sleep alone.
I am having the same issues with my 10 year old son. I am exhausted. I have tried lava lamp, glitter lamp, music, reassuring him. Just seemed help from gp as it’s down to anxiety after being broken in. I feel your pain.
Hi moms,
i’m an italian father of a 3,5 year old boy who is totally afraid to go to sleep alone after watching the movie “Goosebumps 2” on Netflix. It was our fault to show a movie like this to a young child but it was on Netflix on Halloween and he’s into monsters, skeletons and zombies in the funny way so he was curious and he watched the movie happily, he was fascinated by the puppet in the movie (Slappy the puppet),but after that night he was terrorized by it. He always slept in his room alone, in the dark, now he wants daddy after him, to sleep in the bed next to him and if i leave him alone for a moment he cries out loud. I sneak out of his room at night and then he wakes up and call me again.
Sorry to bother you all but i searched on italian sites about the problem but i haven’t found anything useful and then i discovered this site and here i am…
I’ve tried everything with Andrea (Andrew that’s my son’s name) and i dunno what to do.
Thank you all in advance.
Best regards.
Matteo (Matthew).
My 7.5 yr old daughter was terrified to sleep alone since we moved her to a toddler bed at 2 yr old. I regret moving her out of the crib too soon because I don’t think she was ready and it made her feel less safe. We battled her nighttime fear for years and eventually ended up co-sleeping for several years just to get a good night’s sleep. Every few months my husband and I would regroup and create a new plan to help her. NONE OF THEM WORKED! When she turned seven we ended up at the doctor’s office for anxiety and other concerns. Turns out she was dealing with some major anxiety and one way it manifested was in poor sleep. After being on medication for a few months and seeing a children’s therapist she was doing better with her anxiety in other arenas, but sleep was still an issue. We ended up going to the doctor for a severe eczema flare and she was prescribed a medication sorta like Benadryl that would help her stop itching at night (she was itching so much she was bleeding). Off-label the medication is used to treat anxiety, but that’s not why she was given the medicine. A few days later, we gave her a kitten and it started sleeping beside her at night. I was completely amazed that my daughter started miraculously sleeping through the night. I talked with her doctor about it and he suggested that the medication probably reduced her anxiety enough to keep her from going into flight mode when she woke up alone at night and the kitten gave her confidence that she was not actually alone. I knew this was true when I went to get her up in the morning and her overhead light was on. The night before I had turned it off and she worked up in the middle of the night, did not panic, walked to the light, turned it on, and went back to sleep. I was shocked and over the moon with joy! It has been several months now and we are weaning off the medication and she is still sleeping great. A few months of conquering her fear has given her the confidence she needs to do manage her fears on her own.
Takeaways:
1. If your child struggles with anxiety, talk to your doctor about it. Medication isn’t always the answer but it can help in severe situations.
2. Children’s therapists are wonderful- try one!
3. If your child is old enough, sleeping with a beloved pet might give them the extra confidence they need to be brave.