MilSpouse Life
Nothing makes me cry like a baby more than when my husband says goodbye to our son before deployment. During our last separation, my husband left quietly before dawn. My son and I still sleeping soundly in our own beds, we were oblivious to his stealth disappearance. After waking that morning, the shock of it all hit me.
He was gone on deployment, and it would be some time before we would all be united again. It was incredibly sad, and then I turned on survival mode because my son needed me. He needed a parent to be a parent during this time because I was the only one left.
Deployments are tough no matter how you swing it, but kids take the experience of deployment to a whole new level, sending you on an emotional journey filled with twists and turns and peaks and valleys. Basically, deployment turns you into a sap.
So why are deployments all the so challenging after kids?
1. The goodbyes are heart breaking.
We’ve experienced several separations since our son was born, and I have to say, the goodbyes are a doozie. Our son is too young to truly understand what is about to transpire, but my husband and I know. We know how much we are all going to miss as a family during deployment. We know that deployment will affect their father/son relationship in many ways.
Watching a father say goodbye to his son is precious and entirely overwhelming at the same time. Seriously, it usually feels like the ending of some epic drama film in Hollywood. Everything is slo-mo, the lighting is soft, the music is playing, and we all dramatically hug and say goodbye. Tear.
2. Lack of communication.
Not speaking for an extended period of time makes deployment after kids so hard. We all desperately want to stay connected in any way possible, but sometimes that isn’t realistic. Doing our best to optimize communication, it still never feels like enough. It really is a crummy replacement for the real deal when it comes to kids.
Lack of communication is also incredibly tough when our son wants to talk to his dad and he cannot. It’s difficult to hear a child ask for “Dada” and know you cannot make it happen on demand, even through a phone call.
3. Parenting alone is tough.
I’m not going to lie, parenting alone can be very lonely sometimes. And the whole aspect of ’24/7 on the job’ without another parent to help out is tough. There are many days when I feel like I am screwing this whole parenting thing up, and having another parent would be amazing. Friends and an amazing support network make all the difference in the world, but unfortunately, no one can replace the role of another parent.
4. Kids grow and change dramatically.
Developmental leaps over time will dramatically transform our son before my husband returns. When our family is reunited, my son will almost be a new person capable of a completely new set of skills. It’s hard to watch a child learn and grow so much, knowing one parent is missing out on all of it. We take lots of pictures and videos to capture as much as possible, but again it simply isn’t the same as actually being present for the real thing.
5. Life after reunion is a major adjustment.
Adjusting to life after reunion can take time, especially after kids. Kids take time to adjust and the family reunion is rarely a seamless process. It’s not like the movies where dad returns home, and life is perfect immediately thereafter. In addition to adjusting to life as a married couple together again, it also takes a significant period of time before kids understand what is means to have a two-parent household again.
Deployments after kids really change everything you thought a deployment would be. There is a more dramatic goodbye and reunion, and it is more emotionally challenging during deployment.
Lauren, I love how you share these things. It really helps normalize experiences for military families. As you know, I have a friend who has a husband in the military and I think it is so important to remember that it isn’t always “picture perfect” when they return. Sadly, sometimes it is a total disruption to the schedule and routine that has been developed at home.That being said, I also know that she wants and loves her husband and is more than grateful when he comes home. I know you are bringing insight into the lives of those who are living with the adjustments of deployment, and I also love how you are bringing understanding to those of us who have never been there. It helps me to know and understand what I can do that is actually helpful.
I can only imagine how hard it must be. I hate good-byes, even temporary ones and I hate separation, which is why I admire all the military wives out there. Just know you are pretty special in my book!
Thanks Ana. You are so encouraging.
Hi I’m very concerned my husband to be has a son by his late wife who was also in army she was killed by sniper and my future husband is s marine I would love be to know if there is anyway way I can get him home on a surprise visit he ment to be home this week but stuff happened which is heartbreaking to hear as my step son is only five and really needs him home it hurts when things happen and cause his passport is lost not by him by someone else now that want money to give him temp passport