One of my most vivid memories of military life was during a time when I was a military girlfriend.
Nearing our thirties, my boyfriend and I had been together for several years already. In the beginning we were long distance, and after almost two years together, I moved from the Midwest to Coastal North Carolina to be with him.
It was such a special time. Our relationship grew and flourished despite the fact that he was preparing to deploy a mere six months after I moved South.
And then the reality set in…
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He was leaving soon. The deployment was less than a few months away, and he was preparing for especially dangerous missions. It was such a hard time. He was leaving, and the risk during the upcoming deployment was real.
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It. Was. Too. Real.
We talked about death and dying, and what he would want to happen if he didn’t come home. We talked about the exact funeral he would want.
We talked about where his belongings would go. We talked about everything. I wasn’t just some girlfriend. I was his confidant, best friend and go-to person.
I was the girl who he spent nearly all his free time with. The girl who helped him pack his bags. The girl who wrote him a special letter and tucked it neatly in his pack before leaving.
I was the girl who took him to the bus and held it together with every ounce of my being as it drove away disappearing in the distance. I was the girl who loved him with all my heart.
And yet, in the eyes of the military I was just a military girlfriend.
When I went to the pre-deployment briefing, I got a “special” folder and jumped through hoops to make sure I was on a notification list in case something happened during the deployment.
Even then, I still questioned if I would be notified because I wasn’t next of kin. I simply didn’t have the same rights as married spouses.
It hurt.
When you feel like the most important person in someone’s life, and you are labeled as just a girlfriend, it stings.
And the truth is a bunch of crap girlfriends gave military significant others a bad rap.
They cheated or took all the service member’s money or sold their house or ran up the credit card while they were deployed in combat.
Then they lied about it after the fact.
And now, you’re taking the fall for every crap girlfriend out there.
It sucks.
But deep down you have to know that you know who you are as a person and so does your service member. Hang onto that when you feel discouraged.
Most banks and companies and the military are only trying to protect service members because they’ve seen some seriously high drama situations go down.
Stuff that’s way crazier than anything you’d see happen on the soap opera Days of Our Lives.
(And years into military wife life, I can whole-heartedly tell you that I’ve known some spouses who completely shocked me with the terrible things they did while service members were away. But one bad apple doesn’t make the whole tree rotten.)
You have to know better.
One random day, near the end of the deployment, I received an email from my boyfriend that made my heart sink deep into my stomach.
If I were just a girlfriend, I probably wouldn’t have recognized the message conveyed behind the words written in the sentence, “There are no words to describe how much I need you right now.”
This would probably be an ordinary sentence to just a girlfriend. Maybe she would think it was so cute and sweet that her boyfriend would say something like that.
It changed our lives forever.
I later learned that my boyfriend had lost a dear friend and team member in an explosion that day. My boyfriend—one of the strongest and most resilient men I know—was in his darkest hour.
Life changed in an instant.
I felt helpless, sad and hopeless all at the same time. Losing his friend was something, I don’t think either of us thought would ever happen. It shook us to the core, and the lines of girlfriend and boyfriend were no longer relevant. We clung to each other for dear life in that moment and every moment thereafter. Nothing else mattered.
So if you are a military girlfriend, I just wanted to to say that I get it. I understand what you are going through. I know you are so much more than just a girlfriend.
When certain formalities of military life make you feel like you are just some girl, know better. When you feel the pressure to marry prematurely before a deployment, know better. When it all just seems unfair, know better.
As a girl who went from military girlfriend to military wife, I can tell you it is worth the wait. Shortly after my husband returned from that deployment we were engaged and married less than 6 months later. It was that time as a girlfriend, during that deployment, that both of us learned our relationship was meant for marriage.
Because when you survive the darkest days together, you realize that you are more than just a girlfriend.
In moments like those, you realize that…
You are the most important girl in the whole world to a man serving his country.
You are his rock.
You are his stronghold.
You are his love.
Down the road, years into your military marriage and life as a military wife, you will just look back and appreciate the time that you had as his girlfriend.
That time served great purpose to build and nurture the foundation of your future marriage. That time strengthened and solidified your relationship into what it is today. That time is a testament as to why your military marriage is actually going to last.
That is a beautiful thing.
And no one on Earth can ever take it from you.
Want more on military life?
- 101+ Long Distance Relationship Quotes to Keep Strong
- The One Thing You Miss Most During Deployment
- The Best Advice for the Military girlfriend
- The Brutally Honest Guide to Dating a Military Man
Kaitlyn
That mean so much to me just now reading that. People call me crazy for believing that one day I might get married to my airman boyfriend. I’ve never had a love or stronger bond with anyone else in this world. And I’ve spent night crying because I haven’t been able to talk to him. I pray that God helps guide me through this time. I prayed that he would share something with me tonight that will help encourage me. He did. I found this message. So thank you for taking the time to write that.
Hope Daniels
This is encouraging. My boyfriend is in the army and he has been gone for over a year. We were barely 3months into the relationship before he left for war as an infantry. It has been a very rough time for us as we barely communicate………sometimes once or twice a month if network permits…..
Thanks alot Lauren……
anisa
Much love. I am with you love. That is so rough. And tough.
Seleena
Hi, I’m Seleena. I would say my story is a complicated one. My father was active duty for over thirty years and I grew with deployments grew to understand them. But I met my partner nearly 3 years ago and he while he was active duty but he was med boarding out. So I thought I would never have to go through something like this. But it’s two years since he’s gotten out and now he’s deploying again but this time as civilian (contract job in Afghanistan). I started to research as much I a can for civilian developments but I brings to military deployments. I know it’s the same but, we are not married and we have me similarities from I read here. And I’ve never dealt with anything like this before and my parent(s) i.e. mom wasn’t much help. But I’m looking for some advice and how to deal with this as a partner.
Henry Ortega
Our experience began in 1976 a pointedly different era for military service and from what I can see the military seems to be more supportive institutionally than we could have even imagined back then.
Cheryl and I had just reached the ripe age of seventeen I on October 6th.
On 6 OCT 76 I left Oakland for Basic Training at Ft. Dix New Jersey. I would not trade the benefit I earned or change the Man I became in large part because of how service as a soldier in the Army improved me from the core of my existence.
Sgt. West assured us that we made the best move because we were going to be married after basic and we were expecting our first of what we hoped would be several children.
Notwithstanding that I am at heart a peace loving fellow, a military career was starting to look like a good fit for us. Sgt West said the Army would be a solid partner like having a new family to look out for us.
I blame only myself but want to express to anyone reading this. FOR MANY REASONS getting married and making a commitment to serve in our military require equal amounts of sacrifice and Love.
It did not work out for Cheryl and I. I am sure that although I still feel deep angst it is our son who suffered the most.
My grandson who is graduating high school is considering enlisting together with his fiance because he wants to avoid being straddled by a huge student loan debt.
I am very proud of my service. I hope that it will work out for them…
Chryssy Berry from USA
Olivia Stephen form Tx,USA.
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anisa
I just would like to thank you Lauren the author of this for sharing. I really needed to read this. Put me in tears. I’m in a very complicated situation with my boyfriend. Not only the military keeping us apart but we are already having the distance. Like I’m in Asia. And he’s in the state. So seriously reading all these encouraging comments mean a lot to me. Thank you for sharing.
Meagan
I am new to being close to the military. My soon to be husband left for boot camp about a month ago and its been harder than i thought. I’ve gotten 2 letters and just received the mailing address but i have my moments of sadness with him gone and my moments of knowing everything is worth it. It has truly made me feel bipolar sometimes but its worth it. All my friends don’t understand and get annoyed by my concerns with it, i could really use someone who understands it to talk to to make this a little easier.
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