One of my most vivid memories of military life was during a time when I was a military girlfriend.
Nearing our thirties, my boyfriend and I had been together for several years already. In the beginning we were long distance, and after almost two years together, I moved from the Midwest to Coastal North Carolina to be with him.
It was such a special time. Our relationship grew and flourished despite the fact that he was preparing to deploy a mere six months after I moved South.
And then the reality set in…
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He was leaving soon. The deployment was less than a few months away, and he was preparing for especially dangerous missions. It was such a hard time. He was leaving, and the risk during the upcoming deployment was real.
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It. Was. Too. Real.
We talked about death and dying, and what he would want to happen if he didn’t come home. We talked about the exact funeral he would want.
We talked about where his belongings would go. We talked about everything. I wasn’t just some girlfriend. I was his confidant, best friend and go-to person.
I was the girl who he spent nearly all his free time with. The girl who helped him pack his bags. The girl who wrote him a special letter and tucked it neatly in his pack before leaving.
I was the girl who took him to the bus and held it together with every ounce of my being as it drove away disappearing in the distance. I was the girl who loved him with all my heart.
And yet, in the eyes of the military I was just a military girlfriend.
When I went to the pre-deployment briefing, I got a “special” folder and jumped through hoops to make sure I was on a notification list in case something happened during the deployment.
Even then, I still questioned if I would be notified because I wasn’t next of kin. I simply didn’t have the same rights as married spouses.
It hurt.
When you feel like the most important person in someone’s life, and you are labeled as just a girlfriend, it stings.
And the truth is a bunch of crap girlfriends gave military significant others a bad rap.
They cheated or took all the service member’s money or sold their house or ran up the credit card while they were deployed in combat.
Then they lied about it after the fact.
And now, you’re taking the fall for every crap girlfriend out there.
It sucks.
But deep down you have to know that you know who you are as a person and so does your service member. Hang onto that when you feel discouraged.
Most banks and companies and the military are only trying to protect service members because they’ve seen some seriously high drama situations go down.
Stuff that’s way crazier than anything you’d see happen on the soap opera Days of Our Lives.
(And years into military wife life, I can whole-heartedly tell you that I’ve known some spouses who completely shocked me with the terrible things they did while service members were away. But one bad apple doesn’t make the whole tree rotten.)
You have to know better.
One random day, near the end of the deployment, I received an email from my boyfriend that made my heart sink deep into my stomach.
If I were just a girlfriend, I probably wouldn’t have recognized the message conveyed behind the words written in the sentence, “There are no words to describe how much I need you right now.”
This would probably be an ordinary sentence to just a girlfriend. Maybe she would think it was so cute and sweet that her boyfriend would say something like that.
It changed our lives forever.
I later learned that my boyfriend had lost a dear friend and team member in an explosion that day. My boyfriend—one of the strongest and most resilient men I know—was in his darkest hour.
Life changed in an instant.
I felt helpless, sad and hopeless all at the same time. Losing his friend was something, I don’t think either of us thought would ever happen. It shook us to the core, and the lines of girlfriend and boyfriend were no longer relevant. We clung to each other for dear life in that moment and every moment thereafter. Nothing else mattered.
So if you are a military girlfriend, I just wanted to to say that I get it. I understand what you are going through. I know you are so much more than just a girlfriend.
When certain formalities of military life make you feel like you are just some girl, know better. When you feel the pressure to marry prematurely before a deployment, know better. When it all just seems unfair, know better.
As a girl who went from military girlfriend to military wife, I can tell you it is worth the wait. Shortly after my husband returned from that deployment we were engaged and married less than 6 months later. It was that time as a girlfriend, during that deployment, that both of us learned our relationship was meant for marriage.
Because when you survive the darkest days together, you realize that you are more than just a girlfriend.
In moments like those, you realize that…
You are the most important girl in the whole world to a man serving his country.
You are his rock.
You are his stronghold.
You are his love.
Down the road, years into your military marriage and life as a military wife, you will just look back and appreciate the time that you had as his girlfriend.
That time served great purpose to build and nurture the foundation of your future marriage. That time strengthened and solidified your relationship into what it is today. That time is a testament as to why your military marriage is actually going to last.
That is a beautiful thing.
And no one on Earth can ever take it from you.
Want more on military life?
- 101+ Long Distance Relationship Quotes to Keep Strong
- The One Thing You Miss Most During Deployment
- The Best Advice for the Military girlfriend
- The Brutally Honest Guide to Dating a Military Man
Amber N Fry
I need advice. My boyfriend is in boot camp right now and we have been together for 3 years and I will be 19 in September. We have talked about marrying each other and it is definitely something that we want but i’m not sure when he wants to. He talks about it and talks about it but he still wants it to be a surprise so I have no idea when the time will come. I want it to be soon just in case something happens but then again i would prefer to wait so he knows for sure what he wants. I just sent him a letter asking if we were going to get married but now I regret it. What should I do?
Charlotte
I want to offer a bit of advice to anyone looking to find help on saving their marriage/relationship. Me and my husband had a torrid time for a whole decade; all our family & friends constantly advising us to get a divorce but we knew it would break our children’s heart. We tried so many different things to save our marriage and from trial & error we came across a very helpful Dr online that worked extremely well for us: http://tinyurl.com/ybddvv8k
And now we are happily together with no more problems
God bless you Dr Zunga for everything.
AP
Hello thank you so very much for your encouraging words. I have a boyfriend in the army he is very loving, caring, jovial, intelligent, humble, trustworthy, God fearing amongst others. He has so many good attributes. Oh yes we are young but we solely understand each other. We are both 25 years old and are distant in relationship because he’s living in the USA and I’m living in the Caribbean. I think he understands me better than I do though. The saddest thing is that we have never met, never video called even before he joined the navy at first I questioned about it because he is always busy even before he entered the navy. It’s been seven months now that we are in a relationship and texted n send audio messages regularly. Before he entered the navy he said that I should promise never to leave him because it would hurt him deeply, he said I mist not leave my throne for no peasant whatever that meant. I promised him and because we are both Christian still but are not from the same assembly we prayed and put God at the front. At first I used to send him sciptures everyday and he would text me everyday and encourages me to stay strong. After they told him to removed all social media the only thing that was left is an email. The last emailed I got from him is in May and he said he’ll be home in June but I’m now in September and I haven’t seen or herd from him. I never have a contact for his family he was asking before though if I wanted to meet his mom without him I told him no but I asked for her contact maybe he didn’t get to read that part of message I’m very weak right now freaking out. I hope he’s OK and if he got injuries I want to be by his side I want to take care of my husband as he always called me wife. In addition to that he said he wanted to marry me as soon as he gets back and he told me to set a date and I choose December. I really want this to work please give me more advice. Thanks a lot
AP
Caity Huffman
Thank you so much for this. My soon-to-be Sailor graduates boot camp in 2 weeks. Although I, and his family, know that I am more than just a girlfriend, it has been difficult telling people…”Oh yeah, my boyfriend’s in boot camp.” Generally, I just lie and tell them he’s my fiancé because I don’t want others to think that I’m “just the girlfriend.” Honestly, I wouldn’t go through this with anyone other than him. We’re older and living on our own together. We plan to get married, but didn’t want to rush it before boot camp. And I know that I am his rock while he is away. People don’t understand how difficult it is while your best friend is at boot camp. I always feel like people are saying, “Well, at least it’s not deployment!” And that hurts because normally this comes from the people who just don’t understand. Anyway, thank you so much for posting this. I didn’t know how much I needed it until now.
Elisa Ybarra
I just want to let you know this blog is amazing! My boyfriend of 7 Years is about to graduate from boot camp at the end of the month and so many emotions and thoughts have ran through me on a daily basis. We’re in our late 20s and I know marriage is in our future and know our journey has just begun but your blog post make it easier knowing what the future could be like and knowing I’m not the only military girlfriend feeling lost. Thank you
Azaria
This gave me a sense of comfort. My s.o. and I havent been together long, when we got together he hadnt even gone through the meps process, eventually he decided to stay. Well long story short we found out today he leaves in ten days for basic and hes infantry. I know what my place and job is I was just curious if there are any tips you have on handling not getting notified or informed just overall how to handle being “just a girlfriend”?
Bridget
Hi Lauren! This article was incredibly helpful to read. I’m very new to the army girlfriend community. My boyfriend is still in basic training, but I immediately felt the “just a girlfriend” mentality from the day he left. I went to see him get sworn in the day he shipped out and the recruiter there pulled me aside and pretty much threatened me to not follow him to the airport. Which was absolutely not my game plan or something I would ever interfere with. I was the only girlfriend there so I felt singled out and almost silly that I was there and not a family member. However, he would have had no one there if I didn’t go, so I know I wasn’t in the wrong.
Luckily, his contract is only 2 years plus training but he’s also active duty and I have absolutely no idea what any of that means/entails (he’s a combat medic). I know I want to eventually move to where he is but I was wondering if we had to be married to do that? I love him very much but like you described in your story how you didn’t want to give in to the pressure to marry early I feel the same way. We’re a little older, he’s 26 and I’m 22. I know down the road I want that with him but I just don’t see the rush. I love my career and work for a national corporation so I could transfer anywhere and be just fine! I’m on board with moving once he has a stable location but I don’t want to rush into marriage. Were you able to move with him and live in an off base apartment or something? Like I said I’m super new to this and have no idea what’s next for him/ us. All I know is this is something he’s always wanted to do so I 100% support him, and cannot even put into words how proud I’am. He’s my best friend so to see him finally do this is awesome. I’m happy to go where he goes, but at our own pace!
Caitlyn
I love this!! Thanks for the good read and reassurance. I am starting a blog on our journey for some piece of mind as he is off saving the world 🙂 check it out! http://cmillardo.com/
Natana
Thank you for this. I’ve been dating a wonderful man for almost a year and we’re facing our first ‘temporary assignment’. It’s just three months but there is the possibility that he’ll have to go overseas for 3 years right after. I’m trying my best to be supportive but I’m struggling with not knowing what’s going to happen next. And being just a girlfriend, I don’t know how to support him, maintain a distance relationship and continue to pursue my career and care for my kids. Everything is new and slightly frightening right now. I’m so grateful I found your blog.