One of my most vivid memories of military life was during a time when I was a military girlfriend.
Nearing our thirties, my boyfriend and I had been together for several years already. In the beginning we were long distance, and after almost two years together, I moved from the Midwest to Coastal North Carolina to be with him.
It was such a special time. Our relationship grew and flourished despite the fact that he was preparing to deploy a mere six months after I moved South.
And then the reality set in…
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He was leaving soon. The deployment was less than a few months away, and he was preparing for especially dangerous missions. It was such a hard time. He was leaving, and the risk during the upcoming deployment was real.
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It. Was. Too. Real.
We talked about death and dying, and what he would want to happen if he didn’t come home. We talked about the exact funeral he would want.
We talked about where his belongings would go. We talked about everything. I wasn’t just some girlfriend. I was his confidant, best friend and go-to person.
I was the girl who he spent nearly all his free time with. The girl who helped him pack his bags. The girl who wrote him a special letter and tucked it neatly in his pack before leaving.
I was the girl who took him to the bus and held it together with every ounce of my being as it drove away disappearing in the distance. I was the girl who loved him with all my heart.
And yet, in the eyes of the military I was just a military girlfriend.
When I went to the pre-deployment briefing, I got a “special” folder and jumped through hoops to make sure I was on a notification list in case something happened during the deployment.
Even then, I still questioned if I would be notified because I wasn’t next of kin. I simply didn’t have the same rights as married spouses.
It hurt.
When you feel like the most important person in someone’s life, and you are labeled as just a girlfriend, it stings.
And the truth is a bunch of crap girlfriends gave military significant others a bad rap.
They cheated or took all the service member’s money or sold their house or ran up the credit card while they were deployed in combat.
Then they lied about it after the fact.
And now, you’re taking the fall for every crap girlfriend out there.
It sucks.
But deep down you have to know that you know who you are as a person and so does your service member. Hang onto that when you feel discouraged.
Most banks and companies and the military are only trying to protect service members because they’ve seen some seriously high drama situations go down.
Stuff that’s way crazier than anything you’d see happen on the soap opera Days of Our Lives.
(And years into military wife life, I can whole-heartedly tell you that I’ve known some spouses who completely shocked me with the terrible things they did while service members were away. But one bad apple doesn’t make the whole tree rotten.)
You have to know better.
One random day, near the end of the deployment, I received an email from my boyfriend that made my heart sink deep into my stomach.
If I were just a girlfriend, I probably wouldn’t have recognized the message conveyed behind the words written in the sentence, “There are no words to describe how much I need you right now.”
This would probably be an ordinary sentence to just a girlfriend. Maybe she would think it was so cute and sweet that her boyfriend would say something like that.
It changed our lives forever.
I later learned that my boyfriend had lost a dear friend and team member in an explosion that day. My boyfriend—one of the strongest and most resilient men I know—was in his darkest hour.
Life changed in an instant.
I felt helpless, sad and hopeless all at the same time. Losing his friend was something, I don’t think either of us thought would ever happen. It shook us to the core, and the lines of girlfriend and boyfriend were no longer relevant. We clung to each other for dear life in that moment and every moment thereafter. Nothing else mattered.
So if you are a military girlfriend, I just wanted to to say that I get it. I understand what you are going through. I know you are so much more than just a girlfriend.
When certain formalities of military life make you feel like you are just some girl, know better. When you feel the pressure to marry prematurely before a deployment, know better. When it all just seems unfair, know better.
As a girl who went from military girlfriend to military wife, I can tell you it is worth the wait. Shortly after my husband returned from that deployment we were engaged and married less than 6 months later. It was that time as a girlfriend, during that deployment, that both of us learned our relationship was meant for marriage.
Because when you survive the darkest days together, you realize that you are more than just a girlfriend.
In moments like those, you realize that…
You are the most important girl in the whole world to a man serving his country.
You are his rock.
You are his stronghold.
You are his love.
Down the road, years into your military marriage and life as a military wife, you will just look back and appreciate the time that you had as his girlfriend.
That time served great purpose to build and nurture the foundation of your future marriage. That time strengthened and solidified your relationship into what it is today. That time is a testament as to why your military marriage is actually going to last.
That is a beautiful thing.
And no one on Earth can ever take it from you.
Want more on military life?
- 101+ Long Distance Relationship Quotes to Keep Strong
- The One Thing You Miss Most During Deployment
- The Best Advice for the Military girlfriend
- The Brutally Honest Guide to Dating a Military Man
CDL
This is the best article I have ever read….really you are more than just a “girlfriend”. I recently met someone who is now deployed. We are focused on being friends first. I think that is a good place for us to start.
Roger M. Favor
I plan on going into the marines soon. I will be leaving behind my girlfriend and I hope she understands she will be my “rock” and “anchor” we already have worked out that we will try to write to each other as much as possible. I think that will be what gets me through it all, just knowing that yeah, I’m not superman or some great hero to the world, Yet I’m HER hero, and the hero to all those I save who don’t know it. I know this is an old post, people may not read this. But I am very glad Miss Lauren posted this, not only because it touched me but because i plan to give this to my girlfriend to read and know that others stand beside her. It has been a pleasure to also read the comments from “girlfriends” and i hope you have all ranked up and become “wives”. I am truly sorry for those of you who have lost the loved ones in war, but they are still with you. And to Miss K.T. I give my very heart too, I cant think of how it must have felt to have lost him, but know he’s there with you and always will be. I hope if I were to die GOD would allow me to watch over Am, shes really everything to me. I go to boot camp this summer, and if you pray for me I’d surely be obliged, But please pray for Am, as shes the one who worries the most probably. I dedicate this message to all the soldiers who go out, and leave it aimed at the heart of anyone who might read it. We go out for you, We fight for you, And we love and cherish the thoughts of coming home and sweeping you up into our arms and having what anchored us to this world in our grasp. To see the smiles and hear the laugh. We might be the ones who go out, but you all also help us fight. Help us conquer and return. God bless you all, And thank you all again.
Anyomous sweet
HI Lauern, I just read ur story. How long u know him before married him and how u met him in person? U see…I talked to a guy named Nick on okcupid dating website for 4 or 5 days then suddenly he wants to marry me adyer he retire solider and wanta to live with me however I barely know him yet he chose me to be his wife! I’m freaked out cuz never meet him. I talked to several friends and said he’s crazy that he wants me to be wife that I barely know him or his personality and he doesn’t know my personality…how can he just dont get it. I prefer nor too fast and not ready. My friends advice said don’t go with him that I barely know him. So since u are a military wife. Tell me what I do? By the way he is a solider. All I know that I’m not ready to be mrs married yet.
Faye
Same here!!!
Paige
My recruit just left for bootcamp and during the briefing the day before his parents had me stand outside with their two infants rather than going inside. It was ridiculous that I had driven him there in hopes of learning more about what he was about to go through but all I got was a long hour in the sun with a 1 year old and 3 month old. I learned nothing and I’m basically clueless now because they see me as a useless girlfriend despite the fact we have been dating for almost three years . Don’t want to get married just for the status and benefits but it is very tempting.
Christabel
Thanks to Dr_mack@yahoo. com for taking the time of bringing my man back to me. I went to 3 different spell casters, but only Dr Mack got the job done. Like I said before I appreciate all his time, effort, and energy used to restore my relationship, My boyfriend admitted he loves me and really want to be in a relationship with me. After 2 years of separation, we are now couples ……
Faye
Thank you for this. I just started a relationship with my sailor and i didnt have any idea on how to handle this long distance relp nor his schedule. He does feel down at times and i try to cheer him up in my own way. We havent done any skype yet (he said it was because of the mission) but he texts regularly. And you’re right..people wont understand this kind of relationship. I hope you post more advice on how to be there for the sailor’s in our lives and to newbie girlfriends like me.
Shanell
Hey I Can Relate To Your Story Very Much I’m A Sailors Girlfriend Aswell And We Just Started This Relationship We’ve Been Together For Three Months Now And He Left A Week Ago For Basic Training If U Have Any Advice For Me I Would Love To Have A Friend Who’s Going Thru The Same Thing I Am And I’m Still Waiting For A Letter From Him. & It Sucks Not Being Able To Talk To Him Everyday So I’d Really Appreciate Any Advice Or Anything And
Amanda
I just paid for my boyfriend marriage certificate paperwork, he never told me about the liberty pass that I have to pay, I would like to know if it’s all real.
Thank you
Ronnie
I’m just seeing this now and it’s exactly what I needed to hear. My boyfriend is in bootcamp right now & the only thing I have heard since is left is “you’re just a girlfriend and you don’t matter”. It’s been so hard on me listening to these comments and feeling as if I don’t matter at all. We are young, but I’ve been with him for five years already and I know our relationship can last through anything, I just had no idea I would receive such negative comments and that I would be faced with this. Thank you for posting this.
Maria
Hi ms lauren, i just read your post here. Im maria from the philippines. I totally had tears as i read this because my boyfriend is in the infantry right now and he will be going to war in a few weeks. He just broke up with me the other night because of a silly arguemebt turns out he is going to war and i feel like he wants to break up with me, he said he love me still but and i do love him too. but breaking up with me is not an option in my opinion so i told him no. i told him that i wont break up with him and that i would stay with him and wait for him to come back. he wants me to move on and find another guy who could give his whole time for me and who will love me more because he said he might not come back and who knows what will happen. but i love him so much. and i cant bear to break up with him because he’s all i love and he’s all i want to be with. we are 10months in a relationship now, still new.. but we know its us we love each other but idk why he is breaking up with me. it just hurts so much but i will support him in everything he wants to do in serving his nation and wait for him to come back.
Amy Jo Johnson
When my spouse left me,I was praying for marriage restoration. I was given the opportunity to get my Ex back by the help of Dr. Mack, He took the obstacles out of the way. i want to say a big thank you to Dr.Mack for what he has done for me for giving us a reason to smile after all that happen when my lover left me but since contacting Dr.Mack, l can boldly say my lover is back to me just within 48hours, Am short of words on how to say thank you for saving my relationship. contact Dr Mack for relationship problem at Dr_mack@yahoo. com“.,,,