MilSpouse LifeOne of my most vivid memories of military life was during a time when I was a military girlfriend.
Nearing our thirties, my boyfriend and I had been together for several years already. In the beginning we were long distance, and after almost two years together, I moved from the Midwest to Coastal North Carolina to be with him.
It was such a special time. Our relationship grew and flourished despite the fact that he was preparing to deploy a mere six months after I moved South.
And then the reality set in…
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He was leaving soon. The deployment was less than a few months away, and he was preparing for especially dangerous missions. It was such a hard time. He was leaving, and the risk during the upcoming deployment was real.
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It. Was. Too. Real.
We talked about death and dying, and what he would want to happen if he didn’t come home. We talked about the exact funeral he would want.
We talked about where his belongings would go. We talked about everything. I wasn’t just some girlfriend. I was his confidant, best friend and go-to person.
I was the girl who he spent nearly all his free time with. The girl who helped him pack his bags. The girl who wrote him a special letter and tucked it neatly in his pack before leaving.
I was the girl who took him to the bus and held it together with every ounce of my being as it drove away disappearing in the distance. I was the girl who loved him with all my heart.
And yet, in the eyes of the military I was just a military girlfriend.
When I went to the pre-deployment briefing, I got a “special” folder and jumped through hoops to make sure I was on a notification list in case something happened during the deployment.
Even then, I still questioned if I would be notified because I wasn’t next of kin. I simply didn’t have the same rights as married spouses.
It hurt.
When you feel like the most important person in someone’s life, and you are labeled as just a girlfriend, it stings.
And the truth is a bunch of crap girlfriends gave military significant others a bad rap.
They cheated or took all the service member’s money or sold their house or ran up the credit card while they were deployed in combat.
Then they lied about it after the fact.
And now, you’re taking the fall for every crap girlfriend out there.
It sucks.
But deep down you have to know that you know who you are as a person and so does your service member. Hang onto that when you feel discouraged.
Most banks and companies and the military are only trying to protect service members because they’ve seen some seriously high drama situations go down.
Stuff that’s way crazier than anything you’d see happen on the soap opera Days of Our Lives.
(And years into military wife life, I can whole-heartedly tell you that I’ve known some spouses who completely shocked me with the terrible things they did while service members were away. But one bad apple doesn’t make the whole tree rotten.)
You have to know better.
One random day, near the end of the deployment, I received an email from my boyfriend that made my heart sink deep into my stomach.
If I were just a girlfriend, I probably wouldn’t have recognized the message conveyed behind the words written in the sentence, “There are no words to describe how much I need you right now.”
This would probably be an ordinary sentence to just a girlfriend. Maybe she would think it was so cute and sweet that her boyfriend would say something like that.
It changed our lives forever.
I later learned that my boyfriend had lost a dear friend and team member in an explosion that day. My boyfriend—one of the strongest and most resilient men I know—was in his darkest hour.
Life changed in an instant.
I felt helpless, sad and hopeless all at the same time. Losing his friend was something, I don’t think either of us thought would ever happen. It shook us to the core, and the lines of girlfriend and boyfriend were no longer relevant. We clung to each other for dear life in that moment and every moment thereafter. Nothing else mattered.
So if you are a military girlfriend, I just wanted to to say that I get it. I understand what you are going through. I know you are so much more than just a girlfriend.
When certain formalities of military life make you feel like you are just some girl, know better. When you feel the pressure to marry prematurely before a deployment, know better. When it all just seems unfair, know better.
As a girl who went from military girlfriend to military wife, I can tell you it is worth the wait. Shortly after my husband returned from that deployment we were engaged and married less than 6 months later. It was that time as a girlfriend, during that deployment, that both of us learned our relationship was meant for marriage.
Because when you survive the darkest days together, you realize that you are more than just a girlfriend.
In moments like those, you realize that…
You are the most important girl in the whole world to a man serving his country.
You are his rock.
You are his stronghold.
You are his love.
Down the road, years into your military marriage and life as a military wife, you will just look back and appreciate the time that you had as his girlfriend.
That time served great purpose to build and nurture the foundation of your future marriage. That time strengthened and solidified your relationship into what it is today. That time is a testament as to why your military marriage is actually going to last.
That is a beautiful thing.
And no one on Earth can ever take it from you.
Absolutely love your articles and have referee to them a few times in my down days or when others just do t get military life.
I am so excited there’s a book/guide but I wondered if you knew of a British military version as some of the info will be about the US military sctructure & way of doing/saying things.
Lots of respect for you for putting a voice to a lot of lonely hearts,
Jess
I LOVE this post. I’m currently *just* a girlfriend and have felt meaningless. I went to my boyfriend’s graduation with his family and at times I just wanted to walk alone because I felt like he needed “family” time more than our time. Today my boyfriend called me really worried about something and I realized I was his comfort. I can’t wait for the day when I’m no longer just the girlfriend, but I will try to enjoy this part while I can!
Wow. Sounds like you have an amazing head on your shoulders. So level headed and brave to continue walking on the military girlfriend journey. I promise it is worth the wait, Jordyn!
My boyfriend and I have been dating for over two years, almost three. We started dating young but we are now 19 almost 20. Many people have came up to me constantly “letting me know” the statistics of “you and your boyfriend actually staying together”. Or the statistics of divorce due to young marriage. We spoke to each other about our relationship before he left and we’re taking it day by day. People always tell us we’re too young but he reminded me before he left that he’s starting on our future while I finish college. He tells me he can’t wait for me to finish college so we can get married. He’s in boot camp right now so it’s pretty rough not being able to hear from him all the time. Within his first 72 hours in TX, he was allowed one phone call and his parents were at work so he called me. It was the most emotional and stressful call I’ve received. His parents try to text or call me everyday to make sure I’m okay. Although it’s just boot camp, the distance really does suck. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know how to cope with it. This is my first real relationship, this is his second. I feel like I don’t even know how I’m feeling. It’s just a bowl of mixed emotions!
Your website and Military Girlfriend posts couldn’t have come at a better time. As my SO nears his assignment as a recruiter, we are moving back to the fleet in October 2017. I haven’t been able to find any article or blog post as relatable as this one. Being just a military girlfriend has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. And I am so grateful to have found you at a time when I considered marrying before his deployment. This will all be worth it, and our relationship is meant for marriage.
Thank you for this honest and well-thought-out post. Its truly changed my mental place.
I’m so glad to hear that!
I am a military girlfriend going through my first deployment and it’s so hard. It’s finding blogs like yours that are helping get through and although I cry myself to sleep more often than I would like, I a, Army strong when I talk to my Soldier.
This is a tough choice we make as women, but a choice well with it for the men we love. Thank you for this wonderful blog and hope.
Thank you for this post. My boyfriend is getting ready to leave for basic here in January around the same time I will be starting as a travel nurse. We are both in our mid twenties and I know hes a little worried about being older and starting this process. We have only been dating for a little less then a year but I have known him before he decided to join the military and am by no means a fair weather girl. We’ve had our own ups and downs to deal with and I plan to stand by him near or far in the same way he has stood by me thru the tough times and supported my dreams and goals even if it means us being apart.. I know myself I am nerveous about being the military girlfriend while we will be going thru so much and being on opposite sides of the country. I love my man very much but it doesn’t mean I don’t feel apprehension about the big changes he is about to go thru.
Thank you for this – my boyfriend is leaving in 3 weeks on a short notice deployment. We have a relatively new relationship, about 6 months, but I have zero doubts of staying together, nor does he. My biggest fear is once he gets there. I have all the support I could need or ask for here and he’s introduced me to military families who I know will pester me until I’m blue in the face – for which I’m so grateful. My fear though is him pulling away. His ex-wife cheated on him 2 1/2 weeks into his last deployment, so I fear there is going to be some deeply-rooted fear in him due to that. How can I provide him comfort and a sense of security?
To be fairly honest with you, this IS old, so you may be through with it, but just send him a letter. Yeah, they may sound outdated, but I told my girlfriend thats what i want. To get just one of those a month to show how much she cares will make me happy .LOL, she asked me what she should put in it. I told her “anything babe, as long as it’s from you I’ll be happy.” yep, outdated and sappy sounding, But to be able to carry those letters and read them at any time will keep me solidly stable, and not to mention happy.
My daughter and her boyfriend of 2 1/2 years broke up month ago as he went into the marines. He did some things that were not very good for a relationship and she still stood by him. About three weeks he decided he did not want to be in a relationship with her anymore and he is on face book dissing her and she is 18 years old and it has broken her heart and he just turned off like a water faucet. I say things to her and she gets upset with me, but instead of letting him go, she hangs on and he still wants her in his life, just as friends and I know that is not going to work. How should she handle this and how do I help her?
Hey, I know she will not want to hear this but she needs to move on and I know it’s hard to just completely move on from something that she has gotten used to but baby steps. She should focus on her self just like he is focusing on himself. If she can handle it, she can just be there for him as a friend, and who knows maybe it’ll turn into more in the future but right now she can’t wait around for him. Let her know that she is strong for not giving up on someone she loves. She should take things a day at a time. If it’s meant to be, it will happen. She needs to give him some space, this doesn’t have to mean everything is over between them two, it can just mean their relationship is on pause for now, She has to do everything on her own at her own pace. What you should do is just be there for her. Try to keep positive thoughts in her mind, if you she she’s feeling down, help her out, help her see the light in all this darkness and hurt she’s feeling. Best of luck!
Not to be rude but I don’t see him as a marine. Sure, we go fight the war, but we aren’t the war. I am 18, my girlfriend is 17. I enlist and go to boot camp this summer. I hope to God that if anything Am will stick by my side, and I would never diss her. Shes my baby, and SHE comes before Marines. The fact that your daughters boyfriend would do that pains me. It sets a bad face on us, I cant do anything for your daughter, but let her know God has plans for her. She will get a good man, a good soldier. He might not even be a military soldier, but he’ll be her soldier, someone who fights for HER.
Hello my name is Lauren too!! My boyfriend is leaving in about 4 months. The days keep going by so fast it’s scary. I need some advice being away from him. How do I cope with the constant stress and anxiety of him being away? How to I cope with the depression of not being able to see him for a long time? I know we’re gonna be together for as long as we can be. I’m hoping that’s forever. But I’m going to school he’s leaving to the army. We’ve agreed not to get married until I’m done with school he really wants me to go. How do I survive dealing with school and someone I’m in love with being away in the army. Btw he’s infantry and he wants to do airborne (not too sure if he really is doing that) I’m not holding him back though no matter how hard it’s gonna be I can do this I just need help and someone who knows what this feels like. I love him so much he’s the best person I’ve ever met so respectful and sweet he’s worth the wait. I’m just scared about my mental health when he leaves.
You will be fine. Everything is going to be OK. Don’t worry him. He has a lot on his mind right now and he is about to leave to boot camp do not add on to that. When he leaves, don’t let yourself get sad, find a hobby, get closer to your family, hang out with you friends, keep yourself busy. Keep a happy, healthy mind. Yes of course, you will get sad sometimes and miss him , that’s normal, but don’t let it eat at you and make you sad for long periods of time, Pick yourself back up and be the happy supportive girlfriend he needs you to be. Be strong for him and most importantly yourself. Write him letters! Express your love and support through them! And always remember that you guys will be reunited soon and that this is all temporary. Enjoy the time you have with him right now! Thank him for everything! Don’t take anything for granted. I hope all goes well.
I am sorry im soo late at reading this. Read my post below if you see this. Remember, you are our anchors, our hops and thought that keep us going, our faith that you’ll stick there by us, Our dreams that bring us through terrors, this might sound sappy, but trust me, you guys really are our world, what we fight for, you need to stay strong for us. See, people outside our families probably will never notice us, but we go in knowing we fight for you. that we are your heroes. remember that.
Thank you so much for this, I don’t have anyone to talk to about being a military girlfriend. My boyfriend is in bootcamp and we just dated for 3 months when he was still a civilian and I gave him the idea of joining the Navy because I’ve been planning to go too, and it turns out that he went first before me. It was really okay for me on that situation, I understand everything until when he leaves for boot camp, I kept on asking “WHY?” to him, it’s just full of “whys” but later on I realized that I shouldn’t seek for answers coming from him, Instead, I kept on looking for the answers to my “Whys” and as the day goes by, It was answered day by day. I think I just really miss his presence especially now I haven’t received his letter yet. This is really hard because no phones are allowed in boot camp.. When I read this, I fully understand now what it is to have your better half in the service. Thank you, thank you.