MilSpouse LifeOne of my most vivid memories of military life was during a time when I was a military girlfriend.
Nearing our thirties, my boyfriend and I had been together for several years already. In the beginning we were long distance, and after almost two years together, I moved from the Midwest to Coastal North Carolina to be with him.
It was such a special time. Our relationship grew and flourished despite the fact that he was preparing to deploy a mere six months after I moved South.
And then the reality set in…
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He was leaving soon. The deployment was less than a few months away, and he was preparing for especially dangerous missions. It was such a hard time. He was leaving, and the risk during the upcoming deployment was real.
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It. Was. Too. Real.
We talked about death and dying, and what he would want to happen if he didn’t come home. We talked about the exact funeral he would want.
We talked about where his belongings would go. We talked about everything. I wasn’t just some girlfriend. I was his confidant, best friend and go-to person.
I was the girl who he spent nearly all his free time with. The girl who helped him pack his bags. The girl who wrote him a special letter and tucked it neatly in his pack before leaving.
I was the girl who took him to the bus and held it together with every ounce of my being as it drove away disappearing in the distance. I was the girl who loved him with all my heart.
And yet, in the eyes of the military I was just a military girlfriend.
When I went to the pre-deployment briefing, I got a “special” folder and jumped through hoops to make sure I was on a notification list in case something happened during the deployment.
Even then, I still questioned if I would be notified because I wasn’t next of kin. I simply didn’t have the same rights as married spouses.
It hurt.
When you feel like the most important person in someone’s life, and you are labeled as just a girlfriend, it stings.
And the truth is a bunch of crap girlfriends gave military significant others a bad rap.
They cheated or took all the service member’s money or sold their house or ran up the credit card while they were deployed in combat.
Then they lied about it after the fact.
And now, you’re taking the fall for every crap girlfriend out there.
It sucks.
But deep down you have to know that you know who you are as a person and so does your service member. Hang onto that when you feel discouraged.
Most banks and companies and the military are only trying to protect service members because they’ve seen some seriously high drama situations go down.
Stuff that’s way crazier than anything you’d see happen on the soap opera Days of Our Lives.
(And years into military wife life, I can whole-heartedly tell you that I’ve known some spouses who completely shocked me with the terrible things they did while service members were away. But one bad apple doesn’t make the whole tree rotten.)
You have to know better.
One random day, near the end of the deployment, I received an email from my boyfriend that made my heart sink deep into my stomach.
If I were just a girlfriend, I probably wouldn’t have recognized the message conveyed behind the words written in the sentence, “There are no words to describe how much I need you right now.”
This would probably be an ordinary sentence to just a girlfriend. Maybe she would think it was so cute and sweet that her boyfriend would say something like that.
It changed our lives forever.
I later learned that my boyfriend had lost a dear friend and team member in an explosion that day. My boyfriend—one of the strongest and most resilient men I know—was in his darkest hour.
Life changed in an instant.
I felt helpless, sad and hopeless all at the same time. Losing his friend was something, I don’t think either of us thought would ever happen. It shook us to the core, and the lines of girlfriend and boyfriend were no longer relevant. We clung to each other for dear life in that moment and every moment thereafter. Nothing else mattered.
So if you are a military girlfriend, I just wanted to to say that I get it. I understand what you are going through. I know you are so much more than just a girlfriend.
When certain formalities of military life make you feel like you are just some girl, know better. When you feel the pressure to marry prematurely before a deployment, know better. When it all just seems unfair, know better.
As a girl who went from military girlfriend to military wife, I can tell you it is worth the wait. Shortly after my husband returned from that deployment we were engaged and married less than 6 months later. It was that time as a girlfriend, during that deployment, that both of us learned our relationship was meant for marriage.
Because when you survive the darkest days together, you realize that you are more than just a girlfriend.
In moments like those, you realize that…
You are the most important girl in the whole world to a man serving his country.
You are his rock.
You are his stronghold.
You are his love.
Down the road, years into your military marriage and life as a military wife, you will just look back and appreciate the time that you had as his girlfriend.
That time served great purpose to build and nurture the foundation of your future marriage. That time strengthened and solidified your relationship into what it is today. That time is a testament as to why your military marriage is actually going to last.
That is a beautiful thing.
And no one on Earth can ever take it from you.
I need this! I have been with my marine for a year and some change and I am going through my first deployment. I’m not one of those fair weather girlfriends and would never do anything to lose his trust. Lucky for me, this is the only deployment I have to go through as his time is done when he returns! Then it is off to college for both of us! Thank you for this post. It is just the encouragement I needed this week.
You’re welcome! Deployment is challenging. Military life is challenging. Sounds like you are doing an amazing job!
Lauren
I absolutely love this article. My fiance and I discussed a rushed marriage before he deploys here in the near future, but we decided against it. I have been having my doubts lately about wanting to just go ahead and get court papers before he goes, but he refuses (even though it was his suggestion in the beginning) because he knows how much waiting and a traditional ceremony means to me. After reading this I know I am in the right mindset wanting to wait and not getting pressured into it…and lucky that my love knows me so well! 🙂 It’s nice to know that it isn’t just me who is feeling looked down on for not being married already.
I completely related to that. I too thought about us rushing into marriage and I am so glad we waited and had a very special ceremony. It’s hard to wait but I think you will be glad you did 🙂
Thank you so much for writing this! I really needed to hear it today. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 1/2 years. I’ve been with his through the Naval Academy and now he is stationed in the Pacific for the next two years while I finished up school and got a career going. It’s so hard not to feel pressured to get married right now. The only thing stopping us are logistical reasons like money, our careers, and of course the military’s schedule. I’m hesitant to move overseas with him as a girlfriend for the reasons you pointed out. I know we are eventually going to get married but it’s still tough.
Thank you for sharing!
Hey Alex, it sounds like you are doing the right thing! Honestly. Being apart is incredibly hard, but I think down the road you will feel so grateful that you finished school and did something just for you. So often spouses give up school and the potential for a career down the road, and jump full throttle into marriage, only to feel lost a few years later. Hang in there! Thanks for sharing a bit of your story and I look forward to getting to know you better.
Lauren
Wow. This was truly inspiring. My boyfriend is about to graduate from Marine boot camp. we had lived with each other for 6 months before he left and I have always felt like “just the girlfriend”…having not rights to anything and seemed to not matter. So, I am truly thankful for your words. They hit me hard but helped so much.<3
I’m so glad! Thanks for leaving a comment and sharing a bit about yourself!
My boyfriend leaves for Japan in December for 18 months. And leading up to that in freaking out and am not handling it well. He doesn’t understand from my point of view and see how badly it hurts me. I need advice what to do and how to handle my emotions. Any advice?
Military life is an emotional roller coaster and it’s incredibly hard to cope with separations. If you visit my military wife section on the blog there are several military significant other articles that you may enjoy.
Thank you so much for this article. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year now, and this has helped me prepare mentally for what is to come. It has been so frustrating trying to be involved in the months leading up to deployment because I am “just a girlfriend”. I can’t wait until it’s all over and until I can see him and hug him and hold him! It takes a strong relationship to make it through something like a deployment. Every day is a blessing, and every day is one closer to seeing each other again.
I might be a little late but I loved this. Made me cry but I loved it. My lovely left in October, and it’s been really hard. We get to talk a lot which is really nice. The first couple weeks I cried everyday. Working more and being around other people really helped but, when I’m alone or doing something that was “our thing” by myself gets me. All of our important dates are happening while he’s gone. His birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, our Anniversary, my birthday, Valentines day. Just knowing that I have him makes everything worth it!
29 weeks to go! So ready to hold him again!
Sound like you are doing an amazing job with everything. Deployments are challenging. Hang on! You can do this!
My boyfriend that I would have been with for a year once he’s in Basic for a few weeks is leaving in a few months. I couldn’t deal with it tonight, something just came over me and I lay on his chest crying. He’s going to miss our one year anniversary, which may seem like very short but I truly feel that I’m meant to be with him. He keeps telling me that I need to be strong about it, and that when he’s gone not to “count the seconds”. I’m finding the idea of him leaving really hard, sometimes it’s okay and others it’s defiantly not. It’s nice, in a sad way, to see that you’re missing important times too. He’s missing our anniversary, my birthday, and some others too. I hope all goes well/ has gone well got you. It really helps to see others with strength getting though this time, and it reminds me that I need to do the same.
Wow. And here I thought I was one of few. It’s comforting to see and read that so many other women have similar experiences. I’m currently a navy girlfriend and it’s tough. I’ve been at this for two years and I feel like I’m ready to move up to military wife. I know the difficulties as I’m here in the states and he’s in Japan. Deployments are still hard even though I’m not fully apart of them like some people. I still worry just the same. So thank you for this article as a small price of mind that I’m not alone
You are so welcome. Thank you for reading! You are definitely not alone 🙂
Thank you. I read this and it made me cry. I had those exact feelings when Kevin was deployed but we were determined to get through a deployment before we got married. Sadly, I just lost him in the recent Hawaii crash. We always knew that if we could make it through a deployment then we could make it through anything. It was over christmas that he asked for my family’s permission in my hand in marriage. I will always remember how precious those beginning days were when trying to understand the feelings of each other with limited communication were our biggest challenge and how wonderful it felt when we made ground just because we could talk to 5 minutes without the signal breaking up. Thank you for writing this piece. I know that you understand.
Oh my goodness, I am just now reading your comment K.T. My heart goes out to you right now. Military life is filled with ups and downs that we cannot foresee or comprehend. I am so sorry for your loss. I honestly don’t know what to say outside of you had something very special–love in your heart–and no one can take that away from you. Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment and share something special about your life. We will never forget.
I’m “just a girlfriend” and all of my friends are wives. We’re all a little over a month into the guys’ first 6 month deployment. A lot of times when I share how I’m feeling about the situation or something that’s bothering me about his communication (or whatever it may be), I feel like I’m “just a girlfriend” so my feelings aren’t as valid as theirs. This post really encouraged me! Thanks so much for posting about girlfriends – most blogs/research I’ve done in regards to military/deployments all revolve around wives… hey, we girlfriends are loved too! 🙂 Thanks so much!