MilSpouse LifeOne of my most vivid memories of military life was during a time when I was a military girlfriend.
Nearing our thirties, my boyfriend and I had been together for several years already. In the beginning we were long distance, and after almost two years together, I moved from the Midwest to Coastal North Carolina to be with him.
It was such a special time. Our relationship grew and flourished despite the fact that he was preparing to deploy a mere six months after I moved South.
And then the reality set in…
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He was leaving soon. The deployment was less than a few months away, and he was preparing for especially dangerous missions. It was such a hard time. He was leaving, and the risk during the upcoming deployment was real.
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It. Was. Too. Real.
We talked about death and dying, and what he would want to happen if he didn’t come home. We talked about the exact funeral he would want.
We talked about where his belongings would go. We talked about everything. I wasn’t just some girlfriend. I was his confidant, best friend and go-to person.
I was the girl who he spent nearly all his free time with. The girl who helped him pack his bags. The girl who wrote him a special letter and tucked it neatly in his pack before leaving.
I was the girl who took him to the bus and held it together with every ounce of my being as it drove away disappearing in the distance. I was the girl who loved him with all my heart.
And yet, in the eyes of the military I was just a military girlfriend.
When I went to the pre-deployment briefing, I got a “special” folder and jumped through hoops to make sure I was on a notification list in case something happened during the deployment.
Even then, I still questioned if I would be notified because I wasn’t next of kin. I simply didn’t have the same rights as married spouses.
It hurt.
When you feel like the most important person in someone’s life, and you are labeled as just a girlfriend, it stings.
And the truth is a bunch of crap girlfriends gave military significant others a bad rap.
They cheated or took all the service member’s money or sold their house or ran up the credit card while they were deployed in combat.
Then they lied about it after the fact.
And now, you’re taking the fall for every crap girlfriend out there.
It sucks.
But deep down you have to know that you know who you are as a person and so does your service member. Hang onto that when you feel discouraged.
Most banks and companies and the military are only trying to protect service members because they’ve seen some seriously high drama situations go down.
Stuff that’s way crazier than anything you’d see happen on the soap opera Days of Our Lives.
(And years into military wife life, I can whole-heartedly tell you that I’ve known some spouses who completely shocked me with the terrible things they did while service members were away. But one bad apple doesn’t make the whole tree rotten.)
You have to know better.
One random day, near the end of the deployment, I received an email from my boyfriend that made my heart sink deep into my stomach.
If I were just a girlfriend, I probably wouldn’t have recognized the message conveyed behind the words written in the sentence, “There are no words to describe how much I need you right now.”
This would probably be an ordinary sentence to just a girlfriend. Maybe she would think it was so cute and sweet that her boyfriend would say something like that.
It changed our lives forever.
I later learned that my boyfriend had lost a dear friend and team member in an explosion that day. My boyfriend—one of the strongest and most resilient men I know—was in his darkest hour.
Life changed in an instant.
I felt helpless, sad and hopeless all at the same time. Losing his friend was something, I don’t think either of us thought would ever happen. It shook us to the core, and the lines of girlfriend and boyfriend were no longer relevant. We clung to each other for dear life in that moment and every moment thereafter. Nothing else mattered.
So if you are a military girlfriend, I just wanted to to say that I get it. I understand what you are going through. I know you are so much more than just a girlfriend.
When certain formalities of military life make you feel like you are just some girl, know better. When you feel the pressure to marry prematurely before a deployment, know better. When it all just seems unfair, know better.
As a girl who went from military girlfriend to military wife, I can tell you it is worth the wait. Shortly after my husband returned from that deployment we were engaged and married less than 6 months later. It was that time as a girlfriend, during that deployment, that both of us learned our relationship was meant for marriage.
Because when you survive the darkest days together, you realize that you are more than just a girlfriend.
In moments like those, you realize that…
You are the most important girl in the whole world to a man serving his country.
You are his rock.
You are his stronghold.
You are his love.
Down the road, years into your military marriage and life as a military wife, you will just look back and appreciate the time that you had as his girlfriend.
That time served great purpose to build and nurture the foundation of your future marriage. That time strengthened and solidified your relationship into what it is today. That time is a testament as to why your military marriage is actually going to last.
That is a beautiful thing.
And no one on Earth can ever take it from you.
You hit the nail on the head again, Lauren! And you’re so lucky that you were given any kind of information at all. I was specifically and pointedly excluded from any family conversations even though when John deployed, we were engaged with a set wedding date. I get why it’s like that, but it does hurt when you’re in it.
So true. It’s really unfortunate that it is that way. I don’t think it’s as common in the civilian world but I could be wrong. I too understand why it is like that…I think there is this stigma that military girlfriends come and go, and some have done some very immoral things that have created an untrustworthy stereotype for the rest of us.
Well, it’s probably because girlfriends do come and go… For instance, I know of one military girlfriend in particular who broke up with her boyfriend because he reenlisted, then they later got back together, and she is now writing a blog about life as a military girlfriend/wife! Sound familiar? :-0
I am going through it right now! I met my boyfriend back in December 2019 he was stationed in Tennessee and does have a kid who lives in DC with the mother. They are not together. I didn’t want anything serious because I’m still in college, he lives in Tennessee and has a kid. He spent months trying to make me his girlfriend. Right before he deployed in June I finally gave in and said yes. He always talks about how he wants to marry me and possibly have a kid when he comes joke which I’m fine with. He also discussed that he has depression and is being treated for it. We have been fine ever since but recently he hasn’t really been texting me. If I FaceTime him he answers without an doubt. He tells me he loves me and doesn’t want to break up and that there is nothing wrong with us. But he doesn’t text me. I’ve been getting advice from friends but of course none of them are in military relationships. Even if he doesn’t text me back I let him know I’m here for him and that I love him and when he’s ready to talk I’m here. But it is really hard for me. He’s like my bestfriend. Help !!! 🙁
I have a question my bf is in army he left for boot camp but before he left he just didn’t know if he wanted me anymore can you help but before he left we made it kinda better he told me he loved me more than anything and we were engaged and stuff pleas help and I had a question is it likely girls and guys fall in love during basics I’m sorry im lost and want answer
I am in the same boat! Just not engaged. It is a very confusing time…
I am looking for some honest support and unsure where else to look. My partner is in the airforce and we have been together for 3 years. When Him and his mates get together it’s all drinking etc. I have been included in some festivities which has led me to see these men cheat on their wives and my partner lie about visiting strippers. Is this all a massive boys club? Can there really be strength when all other men are like this in his circle? I’m feeling really lost.
Hi Tamm,
I have a question, and thought maybe you could help answer it for me. My fiancè is scheduled for deployment in a few days ( I found this out today) and I put in a request to leave so he could come home for a few day or possibly a few weeks. I recieved an email back asking for my information and once I returned that, I received a other email saying that I needed to pay $200.00 and once received he could come home to me and the kids. I replied asking why i had to pay for $200.00 for him to come gone and was told that because he was scheduled for deployment that I had to pay the money for the reversal of his deployment. Is there any truth to this? Looking for answers.
I have this same question. With Leave and Payments. is this legit? Please let me know. Thank you.
As a veteran and retired career soldier, I would say to anyone getting this information, run, do not walk in a different direction.
He will go on his deployment, he will not have his deployment cancelled and stay as far away from this scammer as possible. He may think he knows how the system works but he signed a contract with the military and 200.00 will not buy his way out. EVER.
Good luck.
I loved the meaning and love in your story. I had a question for you my boyfriend and I are both in the Marine Corp and he is more then likely getting shipped overseas while I am staying back in the states serving. How did you both deal with the time zone difference and make things work out? Thank you in advance for your reply.
I’m an author writing a story about a Marine who is wounded. I know only family can be next of kin. What I want to know is if anyone has had difficulty seeing their wounded serviceman because they were not married. I have my guy at Landstuhl in Germany before being shipped to Bethesda.
I’m trying to verify with a few other people. Mary Ellen, I will try and shoot you an email once I know for sure.
My boyfriend is Army and he is also my high school crush. He found me on fb 30 year’s later and came home for leave and we have been talking everyday . He was deployed 2 weeks after we reconnected to Korea for a year and I have fallen I love with him and I need to know if I should tell him
I think that you need to tell him!!!! let him know how you truly feel! You got this! Be honest with him and then see what happens.
sending love and positivity
So I am a military girlfriend and about to face my first deployment. My boyfriend is due to deploy in the near future as he has started his work ups. I am so worried I wont be in the loop because I am JUST the girlfriend. I was wondering how you went about being in the pre-deployment brief and getting in the loop. My biggest fear is being out of the loop and missing his homecoming because right now i am all he has due to family being so far away
Thank You and sincerely ,
Completely lost
I guess I’m considered just a military girlfriend as well. Glad I’m not alone! I love all the blogs & i feel some relief now that I’ve found someone to talk to. Thanks y’all!
The military is the best option for my man.. This summer he is going to basic and I’m pretty sure he won’t get the base he wants, because, well thats military. I guess I am asking how did you guys get through it and how long do you think we are going to be in distance?…
dang girl. this is GOOD. I’ll never forget how it felt to “just be the girlfriend” at my husband’s West Point graduation. My husband was introducing me to his professors and different “higher ups”, and I felt like they just looked right through me. They had no idea that we’d been together for so long, and that I’d held his hand (from afar!) during that cadet experience. I wish I would have read this five years ago. I hope this goes viral because it’s good!
Wow. Thanks for your encouraging words here. Yep, right through me here too. They had no idea we’d been together for quite some time. It’s really encouraging to know I’m not the only one 🙂
Very well said. I remember all too well that feeling of invisibility, the inability to have a say about anything or the power to act on their behalf, and the decisions we were forced to make about our future due to military circumstances. It’s a very tough place to be, especially when you know that your relationship has and will last longer than so many more of those that are already “privileged” by a massage licence.
So true 🙂
I need a advice i have this beautiful boyfriend and he is a military guy but lalely we dont talk anymore like before and this is me getting so worry and so much stress coz a few weeks ago we used to talk quiet often and now we hardly talk at all coz he saying he works 7/ 24 hours plz iz someone can tell me if this right for me no to talk to him like before
Thank you ,so very much for this post. I am so very thankful that my fiance has made sure that his cousin and his mother will call me if anything happens as the Army says no I could not be notified. I am also so very thankful that his deployment is almost over and my Colonel will be home for good in about a moth and a half. We will begin our lives together with his 2 sons as civilians. i know that I would have made a great Military wife, but after 25 years in the Army, he is ready to come out.
Wow, 25 years…what an accomplishment! Praying the rest of deployment flies by and you are all reunited again soon! Thanks for sharing!
Lauren
Great piece Lauren. I’m a military girlfirend of a member of the Canadian Armed Forces. When my partner sent me a snap shot of the papers he’d submitted listing me as his next of kin I knew it meant so much more than just being the person the army will contact in case of emergency. It spoke volumes to his commitment to me, his love, and his respect for our relationship. It means I’m not just his girlfriend; I’m the woman he’s chosen as his partner.
Exactly. Love your story.
I am so glad I read this post! I try to not let it get me down of bother me that I am not married to my soldier but man is it hard to stay strong when some spouses love to point it out that I am in fact not his “wife” I and JUST his fiancé… It’s tough to deal with sometimes!
It is so tough, and I completely relate to what you are going through. I think when other spouses point out that you are not his “wife” it’s an example of the military spouse wars. In civilian life I don’t think not being married is as big of a deal. It’s too bad because I think a lot of couples feel pressured to get married when they aren’t necessarily 100% ready.
Hi! I am a military girlfriend. We have only talked online during his deployment. We have a surreal connection. As though we were meant to be together. We have exchanged pictures in real time, and he chats with me all of the time. When he wakes up, checks in during the day and after work, before he falls aleeps. We have had some pretty deep conversations. Soon to be fiance’ it seems.💓 He already calls me his future wife/fiance’.
My boyfriend is deployed (8 hour time difference) and when he is stateside (soon), I will be moving in with him off base.
He is asking me for information to add me as his fiance’. I have read to the contrary that it can be a scam.
However, he has no living blood relatives. We are planning to ultimately get married and live happily for the rest of our lives.
Does anyone know if he would want to add me as his fiance’ due to the simple fact that he has no living blood relatives? Maybe for emergency purposes? In the intern.
I would appreciate any information. This is a great site! It puts my mind at ease to an extent. Thank you very much!
Great article! Even though my husband and I were married three years before he joined the Marine Corps I can get a sense of what it must feel like. You don’t know how many times over the last 9 years I was referred to as “just a spouse” or “just a dependent”. At times it has made me feel bad for not being in the military even though both of us wanted to join but we decided it would be better for our kids if only one of us joined. Saying I’m just a spouse or just a dependent is saying that I’m not as important which isn’t true! If I got paid for all the things I (gladly) do for my husband and our four kids I would make over $200,000 a year. I do what I do at home so my husband can serve his country.
Yes…so true. Just a spouse or just a dependent, that stings a bit. You know? I currently stay at home as well, and it’s because it makes life easier for our family. Because it supports my husband’s job. Thanks for such a thoughtful comment!
Lauren,
I’m in DEP for the Navy right now and I leave for BT on July 22. My boyfriend is in DEP for the Marines and his official ship date is October 8, but he’s trying to get an earlier ship date. Right now things are rocky with his family, because they disagree with his decision to join the military. I’m wondering how you got to do the pre-deployment briefing and will be kept notified just in case something happens. I know his family wouldn’t ever tell me. Also, I’m wondering if there are any support groups for couples that are in the same situation that we are in. We know that it’ll be hard, but we really want to make this work. We decided that we want to wait to get married, because we don’t want to rush into it even if there’s a possibility that we could be stationed together. Just in need of some encouragement.
Wow! What a perfect article. I’ve struggled so much with being ‘just a girlfriend’ and so many of his friends ask us why we don’t ‘just get married’ as if it’s that easy to do. We decided at the beginning of our relationship we would wait until we were ready. And although I’m on his ombudsman sheet and I am the one who he calls when he is given a chance it’s still hard at times. This really brightened my day and made me realize why we are waiting for our special day!
Yes!! Waiting was totally worth it…but super hard at the same time right?! Go with your gut. I’m so thrilled this encouraged you!
Thank you for this! I appreciate you taking the time to put this out there…especially when so many of us feel this way.
Absolutely! So encouraging to see such a positive response here!
Lauren,
Thank you so much for this post. In just a couple of short months I am moving to florida to be with my boyfriend while he is in flight school. I was surprised to see that girlfriends are almost looked down upon in this situation and your post made me feel so much better. Im very excited to have found you blog!
Em
It’s so encouraging to hear you say that! Thanks for leaving a comment and sharing! I was a long time military girlfriend before my husband and I married. I know exactly how you feel. Keep doing what you are doing and hang in there! Feel free to email me anytime you are in need of resources or support! Happy to have you along here 🙂
Lauren