After dating for about three years, my boyfriend, Jon finally proposed to me. He had decided to go into the military and join the Air Force and he wanted to propose before he left for basic training. I was officially a military significant other. After being engaged for just one month, my boyfriend turned fiance left for basic training.
Related: Being a National Guard Spouse
At the time, he had been staying in the guest room at my mom’s house and it was nice because I had been able to see him every day. I remember he had to leave very early in the morning.
It was still dark outside when I got up to tell him goodbye. I remember the emptiness I felt inside after he left. I had no idea what to expect.
Would he be okay?
When would I hear from him again?
What if he changed?
So many thoughts and questions ran through my mind. I knew the next few months would be hard: I would be planning a wedding by myself and learning all about what it means to be a military spouse.
Related: Basic Training Communication – What You Can Expect Phone Calls, Letters, Graduation Day, etc.
My service member is in basic training, now what?
While this was a tough time for me, it is something that I am so glad I went through. I grew so much as a person during this time and learned about the true meaning of resilience.
While every person will have a different experience, I believe that you too can grow and find a strength you never knew you had before.
If your significant other is going through basic or about to go through basic, here are some things you can do to help get you through this time.
Find Support.
When Jon first told me he was going to join the military, I was devastated. I knew nothing about the military except what I heard on the news and I was scared. Soon after, I decided to turn that fear into action.
I took to the internet and tried to find as much information as I could about the Air Force, basic training, and military life in general. If this was something he was going to do, then I needed to be prepared and learn as much as possible.
One thing you will learn very quickly in the military lifestyle is that some of your best friends, support, and resources will be online. Start with social media. There are many many Facebook groups for military spouses, girlfriends, and fiances.
Try searching for message boards or blogs for military S.O.’s. These types of sites will offer plenty of support and encouragement and you will be able to ask questions about what you’re going through from people who’ve gone through it too!
Learn How to Cope.
Those first few weeks after your loved one leaves are the hardest. I cried a lot. I took my phone with me everywhere, even in the bathroom so I didn’t miss a call.
You will probably not know when the first phone call will come through, but prepare for it to be very short. That first call will be just long enough for them to tell you they are safe, and to give you their mailing address.
I missed that very first phone call from basic. I had a meeting with our wedding photographer and I put the phone down for just a few minutes. If you miss that first call, it will be hard, but they will be able to leave a message with the same information.
One of the best things I did to help me cope was to write him a letter every single day. I kept a Word document up on my computer and would type things in it throughout the day and as I had time.
I talked to him about my thoughts and concerns and I told him about my day and what was going on with the wedding planning. It was very cathartic for me and he loved having those letters from home to help him keep pushing through.
I also encourage you to find a military spouse mentor during this time. It helps to have at least one person to call or talk with when you’re having a hard day or just a hard time coping.
While many of your family members and friends won’t truly understand what you’re going through, another military spouse or significant other can help guide and encourage you through those bad days and give you the encouragement that you need.
Take Care of Yourself.
While you may not feel up to going out and doing things after your significant other leaves, you still need to take care of YOU. Give yourself a few weeks to grieve and miss your loved one, but then try to move on and find things you can do to keep busy.
For me, cleaning, organizing, and wedding planning were some of the main things that I immersed myself in during this time. I also started exercising. When I exercised I could put all my energy and feelings into my workout.
It would help me feel and look better and it helped me deal with the stress of our situation. If working out is hard for you, try going to yoga or doing deep breathing and meditation. These things can help you decompress and help your body to heal from the stress.
Remember: it’s okay to go out. It’s okay to have fun. Many significant others may feel guilty during this time, but it’s okay, you can still have a life even when they’re gone.
Go out for a girl’s night with friends, go for a walk and get some fresh air, travel to see new places and people. These things will help keep you busy and keep the time flying by!
If you’re really having a hard time, go talk with a counselor. This can help you process your thoughts and feelings and also help you to better cope during this time.
Kathryn Sneed is Christian military wife and stay-at-home mom to her two special needs kiddos. She has a passion for God, family, the military and helping others through her blog and services. Connect with her on Facebook or Pinterest.
Want more on military life?
- The Best Advice for the Military Girlfriend
- 5 Best Ways to Support Your Service Member at Basic
- The Real Reason Being a Military Wife is So Hard
- 50+ Things Military Spouses Can Do During Deployment Besides “Stay Busy”
- The Brutally Honest Guide to Dating a Military Man
Donna nelson
Hi my name is Donna I’m 18 and my boyfriend left for the army a week ago it is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Can’t you help???
Amy
Hi my name is Amy, I’m 18 and my boyfriend left for basic at the beginning of the month. The first letters I got from him were great and he seemed happy and said he missed and loved me. The most recent one he didn’t say that he loved or missed me. It was only 4 days apart, why is he becoming emotionally distant?
Kiley WInnie
Hi my name is kiley and i’m 17 and my boyfriend who is 18 leaves for basic training tomorrow and i dont want him to leave but i know this is what he wants to do so i’m not stopping him and he is going straight to AIT’s after basic training so he’s going to be gone for 6 months instead of 3 and i just dont know if i’ll be able to deal with him being gone for so long.
Mishelle
Hello. So my boyfriend is going to basic on October 1st, and it scares me it really does. I want to maintain that really special bond we have. I want to write letters, I want to keep in contact with him, I want the phone calls. But, I don’t know if he feels the same way. He wants to be in the army to be a Ranger so, I’m scared for that too. I care about him so much. But he wants to focus on his training (which I respect 100%) the thing is. Is he want to go on a break. Do I want that… of course not. But we have to take it one step at a time. Can you please help me with some tips! Thank you.
Eliza
Hi, everyone 🙂
I’m 18 and a strong empath. My boyfriend is headed to start basic for the Air force tomorrow and I’m a wreck. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about this because I feel like they wouldn’t understand what it’s like. On top of that, I’m leaving from a relatively small town to move to L.A. in a month by myself, and my parents are in the middle of a divorce, and the thought of going through this without my boyfriend is terrifying me, especially as a highly sensitive person going through a lot of change in a short period of time. Any advice or support you can offer is greatly appreciated <3
Anna
Hi! My name is Anna and I’ve really been struggling, my boyfriend is 18 and I am 16. He just left this morning, September 9th, 2019 for basic for the marines. I feel really alone because I really don’t know anyone where I am that is also going through this. I also fear that he won’t want to be with me once he gets back, I mean I am just in high school. Not getting to talk to him every day is really rough and I want to talk to other people but I also just want to be alone. I am trying to keep myself busy this week with school and work and friends but I just think that I am putting way too much on my mind and I don’t really know what to do.
Nana
My boyfriend leaves for the Air force in a little less than 3 months. He’s staying for the holidays and then leaving shortly after. I am scared out of my mind… I don’t know how to feel or what to do. As the date gets closer and closer I grow to become more nervous. Hes super excited and I don’t want to bring him down by talking how I feel because its so selfish. None of my friends know what I am going through, or am about to go through and they call me stupid for staying with someone whos about to leave. Any advice?
Belle
My boyfriend leaves June 9th 2020 for basic training. Im 16 and he will be 18 in about two weeks, today is November 11th 2019. we have been together fro close to a year now and i know June 9th is still a while away but I have grown so close to my boyfriend and i love him more than anything and im scared that when he leaves things will change. I tell him all the time that i wont leave hi and that i will be there to support him the whole way. and he tells me the same. I respect that he wants to go to the army im just sad and honestly nervous due to the fact that i wont be able to talk to him as much. I plan on writing a letter to him every day once i am able to get his address even if he isnt able to write that much. Its just these past few months have went by so fast and ive been thinking about it so much and the day he leaves just keeps getting closer. He is my best friend and on top of that my boyfriend and i just really hope things work out in the long run because we have planned on staying together through it all and having a life together im just really really nervous.
Celeste
My boyfriend just left this Sunday. It’s hard not hearing from him because I just want to make sure he’s ok.
Breanna
My name is Breanna I’m 16 my boyfriend is 17 he has enlisted into the National Guard and he leaves for basic training June 8th. I support him 100% the only thing I’m worried about is missing him and when he gets sent off. It really sucks cuz he will be gone for his birthday and most of my summer but that’s okay I guess because he is following his dream. Don’t get me wrong I want him to do it but I’m so scared at the same time. It would be really nice to have a friend to talk to while he is gone and stuff so I have some support and so I don’t get so scared.
Diana
My husband just left for AF BMT March 2020 3 days ago. I was being strong for him before he left, telling him it’ll be hard but I’m cheering him on and that I’ll be okay for the next 7 months.
Then it hit me hard on the 2nd day when he was flying out from Phoenix. I’d been with him nearly 24/7 since April 2019. We just share similar lifestyle and also worked for the same company so it was natural for us to be in each other’s space every day.
The space where he used to be is empty and I just see ghosts of his shadow in each room and I just start to cry. The past 3 days have been so hard, I’m now packing my things to go live with my family as they are 2 states over and they are worried about me being alone for 7 months in these uncertain times with the virus.
On top of packing, I have to worry about everything else (rent, bills, shutting the electric off, getting a storage unit for our things) but most of all on top of all of that I worry most about him. How he’s doing, what our future holds for us, the changes that come when he is out of Tech Training…. It’s just been very difficult to keep tabs on everything and I just miss him every breathing moment. I haven’t been able to sleep either.
I just have to remember, it gets easier and that I’m not alone no matter how I feel like I am. This article helped me to remember that. I just have to try to stay busy and keep writing my letters that I haven’t sent as I’m waiting for that call or postcard from him… It’s very hard not hearing his voice or seeing him.