After dating for about three years, my boyfriend, Jon finally proposed to me. He had decided to go into the military and join the Air Force and he wanted to propose before he left for basic training. I was officially a military significant other. After being engaged for just one month, my boyfriend turned fiance left for basic training.
Related: Being a National Guard Spouse
At the time, he had been staying in the guest room at my mom’s house and it was nice because I had been able to see him every day. I remember he had to leave very early in the morning.
It was still dark outside when I got up to tell him goodbye. I remember the emptiness I felt inside after he left. I had no idea what to expect.
Would he be okay?
When would I hear from him again?
What if he changed?
So many thoughts and questions ran through my mind. I knew the next few months would be hard: I would be planning a wedding by myself and learning all about what it means to be a military spouse.
Related: Basic Training Communication – What You Can Expect Phone Calls, Letters, Graduation Day, etc.
My service member is in basic training, now what?
While this was a tough time for me, it is something that I am so glad I went through. I grew so much as a person during this time and learned about the true meaning of resilience.
While every person will have a different experience, I believe that you too can grow and find a strength you never knew you had before.
If your significant other is going through basic or about to go through basic, here are some things you can do to help get you through this time.
Find Support.
When Jon first told me he was going to join the military, I was devastated. I knew nothing about the military except what I heard on the news and I was scared. Soon after, I decided to turn that fear into action.
I took to the internet and tried to find as much information as I could about the Air Force, basic training, and military life in general. If this was something he was going to do, then I needed to be prepared and learn as much as possible.
One thing you will learn very quickly in the military lifestyle is that some of your best friends, support, and resources will be online. Start with social media. There are many many Facebook groups for military spouses, girlfriends, and fiances.
Try searching for message boards or blogs for military S.O.’s. These types of sites will offer plenty of support and encouragement and you will be able to ask questions about what you’re going through from people who’ve gone through it too!
Learn How to Cope.
Those first few weeks after your loved one leaves are the hardest. I cried a lot. I took my phone with me everywhere, even in the bathroom so I didn’t miss a call.
You will probably not know when the first phone call will come through, but prepare for it to be very short. That first call will be just long enough for them to tell you they are safe, and to give you their mailing address.
I missed that very first phone call from basic. I had a meeting with our wedding photographer and I put the phone down for just a few minutes. If you miss that first call, it will be hard, but they will be able to leave a message with the same information.
One of the best things I did to help me cope was to write him a letter every single day. I kept a Word document up on my computer and would type things in it throughout the day and as I had time.
I talked to him about my thoughts and concerns and I told him about my day and what was going on with the wedding planning. It was very cathartic for me and he loved having those letters from home to help him keep pushing through.
I also encourage you to find a military spouse mentor during this time. It helps to have at least one person to call or talk with when you’re having a hard day or just a hard time coping.
While many of your family members and friends won’t truly understand what you’re going through, another military spouse or significant other can help guide and encourage you through those bad days and give you the encouragement that you need.
Take Care of Yourself.
While you may not feel up to going out and doing things after your significant other leaves, you still need to take care of YOU. Give yourself a few weeks to grieve and miss your loved one, but then try to move on and find things you can do to keep busy.
For me, cleaning, organizing, and wedding planning were some of the main things that I immersed myself in during this time. I also started exercising. When I exercised I could put all my energy and feelings into my workout.
It would help me feel and look better and it helped me deal with the stress of our situation. If working out is hard for you, try going to yoga or doing deep breathing and meditation. These things can help you decompress and help your body to heal from the stress.
Remember: it’s okay to go out. It’s okay to have fun. Many significant others may feel guilty during this time, but it’s okay, you can still have a life even when they’re gone.
Go out for a girl’s night with friends, go for a walk and get some fresh air, travel to see new places and people. These things will help keep you busy and keep the time flying by!
If you’re really having a hard time, go talk with a counselor. This can help you process your thoughts and feelings and also help you to better cope during this time.
Kathryn Sneed is Christian military wife and stay-at-home mom to her two special needs kiddos. She has a passion for God, family, the military and helping others through her blog and services. Connect with her on Facebook or Pinterest.
Want more on military life?
- The Best Advice for the Military Girlfriend
- 5 Best Ways to Support Your Service Member at Basic
- The Real Reason Being a Military Wife is So Hard
- 50+ Things Military Spouses Can Do During Deployment Besides “Stay Busy”
- The Brutally Honest Guide to Dating a Military Man
Taylor Hansen
Thanks for mentioning preparing the first phone call from boot camp to be short. My sister’s boyfriend just left for boot camp and she is worried about missing him too much during this process. I’ll be sure to share this with her so she can stay sane while her boyfriend is at boot camp.
Adrianna Cavarra
I, like many of you, am 15 and my boyfriend leaves for bootcamp in 8 days. I think I’ve just about cried every night since the countdown hit 14. He got me a promise ring so it gives me reassurance that we can do this. It’s just so hard. He practically lives at my house he’s here every single day and I hate to think that’ll be gone in just about a week. I’m going crazy.
Hannah
My boyfriend leaves on the 20th of this month and 5 months ago I felt like it would be easy but it’s so hard and with him so excited I don’t want to cry or be upset around him. I really have no idea what to do at this point. I don’t know who to talk to or how to prepare for his 3 year contract (he went active) I’ve met all of his recruiters and they are amazing people but I’m so scared of the outcome and how hard long distance is going to be.
Kacie
My boyfriend just left for bootcamp 2 weeks ago. Actually he left to do quarantine for 2 weeks then head out August 10th to bootcamp. And I was wondering how you can really cope? Work hasn’t been helping when I thought it would and it really isnt working, been making me more stressed. I’ve been writing lots of letter for him whenever I get the mail address, I miss him a lot. Hes pretty much my only friend lol. I hang with his sister because she doesn’t have many friends either and we get along just awesome. And I was wondering, for the girlfriends/boyfriends out there. Do you know how long it’ll take to like, be able to move in with them completely? Like are we allowed to when they are done with bootcamp? Like when is it ok and how long do you have to wait to be with them? My boyfriend said in maybe a year or so but, I want to ask on here if its sooner or way more than a year.
Levy
Im 21 and so is my boyfriend. He’s joined the reserves and does not plan to do active duty but it still hurts not having him around for the next 6 months. He joined so that he could get through college and also to make his family proud. I know that this is my opportunity to grow and everything but I’m still terrified. I don’t know how to support him other than sending him letters. I’m scared that he might come and tell me he wants to do active duty one day and I’m not ready for that. I really need someone to talk to and experience this together. No one in my family is military and honestly, when I told my friends about this they saw how upset I was and told me to break up with him cause they just, didn’t understand. Can someone give me advice on how to show him I’m here and send him love and stuff? I don’t know what’s appropriate and what’s not and I would really appreciate some advice…
Levy
I also feel really dumb Bc he’s not active so it’s not as serious as people that are going through it but this is a 6 year contract and there is already talk of his (forgive me for not knowing the terminology) squadron /group being sent to another country Bc they’re needed there or something?
Vernell
My boyfriend left on the 28th but flew out on the 29th. I haven’t heard from him, he probably didn’t even call me probably called his family. I want to send him letters I wanna write to him I want to be there for him. I can’t stop thinking about him, I’m trying to distract myself. I have friends that understand what I’m going through so it’s a little easier on my part. I already miss him. Where do I send his letters? How often should I go visit his family? What can I write in his letters? It’s all very new…I know nothing about the army, he’s on active duty. People call him a bullet catcher, what do I need to know?
Kati
My boyfriend just told me today he was going into the military, he hasn’t exactly decided which branch but he’s debating between the marines, coast guard and the navy. I’m so scared for him to leave since our relationship is already a long distance and communication is the only thing that shows we are together. I think the hardest part about this for me will be communication and how limited it will be but I’m going to push through and send him letters when I can. I hope my boy stays safe.
Amanda
My boyfriend is joining the marines if they don’t take him as a cop. We’ve spoken about it before and I always cry but I do support him no matter what. He’s all I have and if something were to happen to him I would be completely destroyed.
sam
My boyfriend just left on 01/3 to basic training. we got a puppy thinking it would distract me and give me something to do besides crying and working. but i still miss him. he called me and it was very short he said he was safe but didn’t give me his mailing address. ( i dont know if i was too busy just listening to him) and the billing address didn’t register. he went away for 6 months but we will see each other when he graduates so that’s what been pushing me not to be sad because i will see him at some point before the 6 months. we live together and i haven’t gone back to the apartment (not ready to face the truth)