There is rarely a week that passes where I don’t hear from a military girlfriend. She is seeking support, friendship and acceptance into the military community. Researching this post, I found much of the advice for military girlfriends discouraging.
She needs to know “her place.”
She is “just a girlfriend.”
She is “not entitled to anything.”
Related: Boot Camp Communication – What You Can Expect Phone Calls, Letters, Graduation Day, etc.
Geeze! It made me think back to my days as a military girlfriend and how small the military community made me feel at times. It hurt most at the time because my service member and I had been together for years. I wasn’t a fling. And I definitely wasn’t a floozy. I was a young professional with a career and my own money. In the civilian community, people wouldn’t dream of constantly reminding you of “your place.”.
Related: 13 Useful Gifts for a Deployed Service Member
Of course, there are a few military girlfriends who give the title a bad name. They lack character and morals. They take advantage of service members and make poor choices.
As a military community, we have so much encouragement and sound advice to offer the military girlfriend.
One day I hope I am lucky enough to sit down and have a cup of coffee with one of those military girlfriends, who email me each week genuinely seeking help.
And when I do. I will tell her this…
Having a life in addition to the one with your service member will help you remember who you are as a person. Military life tends to take over a bit from time to time, but remember your individuality. Remember what you love to do for fun. Doing this will help your survive long deployments and separations so much better.
Connect with others in your community through Facebook groups, blogs and community events. This could be military community members or civilians. Establishing friendships and good relationships with others will offer you the support you need to overcome the ups and downs of military life.
Related: Where to Find MilSO Groups Online for Support and Encouragement
Grow your relationship.
Learn beneficial ways to improve communication in your relationship. Be open and honest with each other. Learn to grow and establish trust with your significant other. Honesty and trust are the foundation for every strong military relationship.
Use this as a time to weigh the positives and negatives of this life. Take time to really consider what it looks like long term, consider the possibility of moves (and not just the exotic possibilities but the very real not ideal possibilities), deployments, training, absences… talk to other spouses your your boyfriend’s trade honestly about what it’s looked like for them. Make an informed decision now, because that’s what dating is about. It’s okay if it’s not what you’re willing to accept in life, it’s not going to be what everyone wants (nor should it be). But make that decision now.
Take an open mind to making friends within the military community. There’s so much to be gained through positive friendships with other military spouses! — Kim
Seek out the positive.
Try to see the good in every situation, even when it’s not easy. Keeping a positive attitude through everything makes a HUGE difference. I often think of the Danes, who are touted as the happiest people on the planet, and how they seem to find the positive in every situation imaginable. They are what many like to call realistic optimists. They don’t sugar coat challenging circumstances, but they often look at things through the perspective of others, realizing that things aren’t always as bad as they seem.
Discover ways to become more understanding and patient. The military will dictate many parts of your life and allowing yourself to remit control will prepare you for the unexpected.
Give the relationship at least a year before making plans for your future. Don’t rush it. Take your time to know whether this is the life that is right for both of you. The military introduces a unique set of challenges to every marriage–separations, frequent moves, and a demanding job just to name a few. Think rationally, logically and wisely about marrying into military life.
Embrace it as much as possible.
Embrace your time as a military girlfriend. This season of life will help you learn if military life is where you want to be. It isn’t for everyone, and that is okay.
Surround yourself with supportive and positive people who see military life in a good light. There will be challenges and day to day frustrations and at times it can be overwhelming, but with a group of people that truly support one another in a healthy empowering way it can be an incredible experience. — Judy
Being a military girlfriend feels hard sometimes. It’s normal to feel that way.
Hang in there.
Feel encouraged.
You are welcome here in this community.
Want more on military life?
- 43 Awesome Tips for the New Military Wife
- 31 Encouraging Quotes for the Military Spouse
- The Biggest Mistake a Military Spouse Can Make
- The Brutally Honest Guide to Dating a Military Man
- 42+ Top Missing Him Quotes to Send Your Long Distance Boyfriend
What’s your perspective on being a military girlfriend? Let’s chat in the comments!
Claudia
Hi! I don’t not know if this has already been commented before. I’ve searched high and low for somewhere to ask questions. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half. I knew from the beginning he was going into the military, but lately it’s really been eating at me. He wanted to go into the marines, but now wants to be a Navy Seal. The training is 6 months long and it worries me so much for our relationship. The idea of deployments in general does too. Does anybody have any input? How to make it easier? How to accept it? I don’t want to leave him, but I also feel like I’m not strong enough to go through everything. Thank you.
Kayla
I am a very anxious person when it comes to my relationships and I honestly was terrified my relationship wasn’t going to survive my boyfriend’s basic training. It is hard. There is really no way to make it easier, except perhaps to surround yourself with friends and family. Keep yourself busy, it makes the time go by so much faster. My boyfriend was at boot while I was in college, so that made time go by faster for sure. Trust me, if your relationship survives basic training, it will survive deployment. Leaving him because you don’t think you’re strong enough will not help him, or you. In fact, it will make things worse. Going into him being gone for basic was scary, but we survived and I love him more than ever. The reunion after he graduates training will be fantastic and you will be glad you stuck by him. Stay strong, remember that he WANTS to be with you. My boyfriend told me if he wasn’t intending on sticking around after training, he would have broken up with me before he left. It really does make relationships stronger and it can either make or break you. Another thing that helped me was writing to him every day. I kept a journal and every time I would want to tell him something, I would write it down in that journal. That way it was almost like I was talking to him, even though I wasn’t actually. He’ll appreciate that as well.
Jessica Boze
I’m not exactly a Military Girlfriend. Me and my boyfriend are still in High School, but after we graduate, he wants to join the Airforce. We just keep arguing and going in circles. I love him, but Idk what to do…
I made a pros and Cons list, but the cons are bigger. I want more pros, can someone help me? I’m trying to think positively, but Idk…
Kayla
I am fairly new to the military community. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half and he just graduated from basic on Thursday. I feel weird calling myself a military girlfriend and being proud of that because right now, I am just a girlfriend. He loves me and he was glad I was at his basic graduation. Honestly the biggest issue I’ve run into is his family. They made me feel very unwanted at his graduation. His mom, especially. They didn’t ask me if I needed a ride to his graduation or anything like that, it was almost as if they didn’t expect me to be there. However, I had just gone the last five months without my boyfriend and I knew he wanted me at his graduation. His mom is trying to make sure I’m going to be “fit” to be a military spouse and that I have the “characteristics” to be one. I know everyone handles it differently, but I felt so alone the last five months because I had no one to lean on. This article among others has been really helpful, especially since I might actually be a military wife one day and he has been so so helpful and understanding. He never once made me feel unloved or forgotten about while he was away and I think that made everything a lot easier. He is the love of my life and while him being military is hard, it’s so worth it and I support him 110%. I just wish I knew how to make his mom see that I love her son too and while it is hard, I do support him and I CAN be a military wife. Anyone have any advice?
Kristin
Hello! just came across this blog and its a huge weight lifted knowing I am not alone. Air Force Girlfriend here, one year in to our relationship. We met while he was in my home state and had PCS scheduled only 7 months from when we met. We moved quick and I am now in a new state with him after never moving out of my home state (i’m 28 years old). I’ve met soo many nice and welcoming people in just this year with him but, man, it sure does feel awful knowing that the military basically doesn’t recognize me as ANYTHING but just another civilian until we’re officially married (and we’ve found this out the hard way with moving and not being able to live in housing etc). Not only the military but sometimes i’ve found its hard to fit in with the wives/other service members because we aren’t married, hes an officer and people with his rank tend to be older than I and i’m new to the lifestyle all together. I am very very happy with him and excited for our future but this is something i never realized would be so hard! Thanks for the post, it really made me feel better about all of this!
Emma McRae
My Fiance left for basic training nearly a week ago…and I thought I was starting to feel better about it but tonight it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I’ve written him letters but I can’t even send them because he wasn’t able to give me an address in the call he gave me which was only seconds long. I feel like my heart is shattering in my chest even though I know he’s okay. I don’t know what to do and I have nowhere to go. Please help
Jennifer
Hey Emma,
To be honest, the first month of basic is arguably one of the hardest stretches due to he complete lack of communication that your soldier is allowed. Keep writing. After the first month he should be able to get you an address and have a little more time to write you back. He will love to hear all about your days and how much you think of him. Depending on his location and level of training he may even eventually get his phone once a week for a few hours once he gets farther in. The letters I have from this time are some of my most cherished possessions. It only lasts so long, you’ve got this.
Jennifer
My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly six years now and we have been doing the military life for the last year and a half. He has been stationed out of the country for the entirety of that time and I am finishing my schooling. Many days are tough, but with good communication and occasional visits we have managed okay. I have felt strong most days and it has not seemed so catastrophic. However, recently he has been very sick and hospitalized in a foreign country. Because we are not married, I am not allowed to travel there to be with him even though I am able to and more than willing. We still have 3 months to go until we see each other again and I am absolutely gutted. Although I am getting regular updates about his improvement, I need to hug him and feel that he is okay. I know that is just the way of the military, but it sucks to not be with the love of my life when I know he is hurting all because we lack a piece of paper. I am starting to majorly understand all of those quick courthouse weddings before separations. Sorry for being such a downer everyone, but I am feeling entirely lost. Hoping someone on here understands.
Marie R
I’ve been dating my boyfriend who is in the Army for over a year. We don’t fight, get along perfectly and it seems great. We met through friends and currently are about an hour away from each other, but we have been good about weekends and talking when we can’t be together. He left for AT earlier this month and I got a text a week in that because we both have great careers and he will have to move around he doesn’t see it working. I told him I would easily move with him wherever. He has a deployment coming up… Is he disconnecting because of that? He keeps saying it’s not me, it’s him and the future down the road because of the distance. Any other Army girlfriends experience this? How did it work out? What do I do? I love him and if this is just him being worried about moving/deployments I want to know how to support him and ease his mind about us.
Nikki
Hello everyone, I started dating my boyfriend, a Marine of about two or three years, last year in October. I’ve had past relationships with service members as well as grown up in it, but have never dated from his M.O.S. He’s always been lucky to have been stationed close to home, but now he is out of the country. Our last conversation was three months ago assuring each other that the deployment was going to fly by. Am I holding onto false hope or is it normal to not hear from him for this long?
I am 100000% loyal to him and love him with all of my heart; but I’m so scared that he may leave and this might be it. Can anyone give some insight on this and send some prayers our way please? I always pray for him and his safety and that we survive another day. However, I miss him so much it’s making me sick.
Jacqueline
Thank you for this article. As a very-soon-to-be military girlfriend this really helps. It sometimes feels like the second you say you are a “girlfriend” instead of a fiancé or wife, you instantly don’t count. I am 24 years old and my boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 years now. Five years of commitment, growth and love should count for something, right?! When we first met he talked about joining the navy, but over the years I heard less and less of it. As of 3 months ago he received his SO contract and he heads out to basic in 2 weeks. Within those 3 months I was accepted into a PhD program and moved across the country so we could both pursue our dreams. Unfortunately this means I won’t be there to say goodbye when he finally goes. It’s been hard, and I am sure it will get harder. But we are strong and my love will get stronger. Thank you for this blog and all the resources you highlight. It isn’t encouraging to know there is so much support available. I look forward to connecting with other women in similar situations, as well as women who have made it through this and seen the light at the end of the tunnel! Thank you again.
-Jacqueline
Mati Langley
My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year. Before he left for basic, I moved 1800 miles away. He was supposed to go to basic (Marines) in April but got called early. He flew out to see me for a few days but then he was gone. Transitioning to college life without him is so difficult and I don’t know how to encourage him. He hasn’t even been gone a week and a piece of my heart is missing. He truly is my best friend and love of my life. I just need someone who knows how I’m feeling because my friends at school don’t understand. I feel so alone. He will be home in 13 weeks and I’m surprising him at graduation around Christmas but until then I am struggling so much. I can’t wait to marry him and have forever together.