There is rarely a week that passes where I don’t hear from a military girlfriend. She is seeking support, friendship and acceptance into the military community. Researching this post, I found much of the advice for military girlfriends discouraging.
She needs to know “her place.”
She is “just a girlfriend.”
She is “not entitled to anything.”
Related: Boot Camp Communication – What You Can Expect Phone Calls, Letters, Graduation Day, etc.
Geeze! It made me think back to my days as a military girlfriend and how small the military community made me feel at times. It hurt most at the time because my service member and I had been together for years. I wasn’t a fling. And I definitely wasn’t a floozy. I was a young professional with a career and my own money. In the civilian community, people wouldn’t dream of constantly reminding you of “your place.”.
Related: 13 Useful Gifts for a Deployed Service Member
Of course, there are a few military girlfriends who give the title a bad name. They lack character and morals. They take advantage of service members and make poor choices.
As a military community, we have so much encouragement and sound advice to offer the military girlfriend.
One day I hope I am lucky enough to sit down and have a cup of coffee with one of those military girlfriends, who email me each week genuinely seeking help.
And when I do. I will tell her this…
Having a life in addition to the one with your service member will help you remember who you are as a person. Military life tends to take over a bit from time to time, but remember your individuality. Remember what you love to do for fun. Doing this will help your survive long deployments and separations so much better.
Connect with others in your community through Facebook groups, blogs and community events. This could be military community members or civilians. Establishing friendships and good relationships with others will offer you the support you need to overcome the ups and downs of military life.
Related: Where to Find MilSO Groups Online for Support and Encouragement
Grow your relationship.
Learn beneficial ways to improve communication in your relationship. Be open and honest with each other. Learn to grow and establish trust with your significant other. Honesty and trust are the foundation for every strong military relationship.
Use this as a time to weigh the positives and negatives of this life. Take time to really consider what it looks like long term, consider the possibility of moves (and not just the exotic possibilities but the very real not ideal possibilities), deployments, training, absences… talk to other spouses your your boyfriend’s trade honestly about what it’s looked like for them. Make an informed decision now, because that’s what dating is about. It’s okay if it’s not what you’re willing to accept in life, it’s not going to be what everyone wants (nor should it be). But make that decision now.
Take an open mind to making friends within the military community. There’s so much to be gained through positive friendships with other military spouses! — Kim
Seek out the positive.
Try to see the good in every situation, even when it’s not easy. Keeping a positive attitude through everything makes a HUGE difference. I often think of the Danes, who are touted as the happiest people on the planet, and how they seem to find the positive in every situation imaginable. They are what many like to call realistic optimists. They don’t sugar coat challenging circumstances, but they often look at things through the perspective of others, realizing that things aren’t always as bad as they seem.
Discover ways to become more understanding and patient. The military will dictate many parts of your life and allowing yourself to remit control will prepare you for the unexpected.
Give the relationship at least a year before making plans for your future. Don’t rush it. Take your time to know whether this is the life that is right for both of you. The military introduces a unique set of challenges to every marriage–separations, frequent moves, and a demanding job just to name a few. Think rationally, logically and wisely about marrying into military life.
Embrace it as much as possible.
Embrace your time as a military girlfriend. This season of life will help you learn if military life is where you want to be. It isn’t for everyone, and that is okay.
Surround yourself with supportive and positive people who see military life in a good light. There will be challenges and day to day frustrations and at times it can be overwhelming, but with a group of people that truly support one another in a healthy empowering way it can be an incredible experience. — Judy
Being a military girlfriend feels hard sometimes. It’s normal to feel that way.
Hang in there.
Feel encouraged.
You are welcome here in this community.
Want more on military life?
- 43 Awesome Tips for the New Military Wife
- 31 Encouraging Quotes for the Military Spouse
- The Biggest Mistake a Military Spouse Can Make
- The Brutally Honest Guide to Dating a Military Man
- 42+ Top Missing Him Quotes to Send Your Long Distance Boyfriend
What’s your perspective on being a military girlfriend? Let’s chat in the comments!
Jackie
Hi! My name is Jackie, and I’m a new military girlfriend.
We’re about two months in; and we are really excited about eachother and our relationship.. But we are already expecting two chuncks of time where he’s in a different state. He’s in the Army, he was stationed here where I was born and raised, and wasn’t expecting to meet anyone… But here I am. All of our first holidays are being spent apart this season… He’s going home until after new years- I’m so happy for him.. He deserves time with his family, and I’m so excited for him to get the chance after more than a year – but, we’re missing our first christmas and new years.. And then we just found out that he will be sent out to California for two months! The entire month of February, and 3 weeks into march (more, depending on the work load and all that.) So our first Valentine’s day, too! I guess my question, is how do I shrink this massive gap that’s going to be in what is the beginning of our relationship? He’s worried about it too, and I don’t want him to worry… I want him to soak up this time with his family, and i want him to focus on his job, not worry about us! But I never know how to comfort him, because it worries and makes me sad, too. I already miss him like crazy, and I’m not sure how to navigate any of this.
If anyone has any advice, I would really appreciate it. I want to put his mind at ease more than anything.
Danya
Merry Christmas Eve!
My Marine boyfriend just went back to Hawaii from his two week leave at home. I am still very new to this life and I wouldn’t trade him for anything and I know what is asked of me and I am prepared to take it on whatever comes our way. My question is what steps can I take to become more relaxed as I have high anxiety at times on any given day but now with him being gone it is in FULL SWING! I am still fortunate that we can still communicate as most couples cannot. I am in Florida and with him in Hawaii it is a 6 hour time difference and when I am up he is no where close to that. Is it a bad thing to stay up late knowing he will be getting off work soon to chat or is that normal in the beginning? As I do not wish for that time to fade? If you can kindly provide some wisdom and advice?! Thank you for your time
Allison
my boy and I dated for 2 years, till he broke up in August of this year, just to start talking again before he left at the end of November. I miss him so much! Hes in boot camp for the Navy and hes been wanting to do this since he was little but getting the letters from him saying how hard it is and how much he misses me and being home in general is so hard. I just want him to be safe and happy. I’m not sure where our relationship is going, since he’ll be gone so long. He says he doesn’t want to hold me back and he wants me to be happy but he makes me happy. I can’t see myself with anyone else! I don’t know what to do… any advice on figuring out my future with him?
Sarah
I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year now. We went to high school together, remained friends/acquaintances through the years and he joined the navy, we were each living our own lives. Last year he messaged me to say hi and be flirty and it led to us talking, and him asking me to his military ball. We’ve been together ever since. We live in the same state, 2 hours apart and when he’s home visiting family we are literally 10 minutes away from each other. I love him. I have a job here at home and he is stationed 2 hours away in the same state. He just bought a house and asked me to move in with him. I feel torn because of course I love this man and want to build a life with him, but it would mean quitting my job, finding a new one and starting over. I’m scared. I don’t want to rush into things, but what if it’s beautiful and it helps our relationship grow? Ugh I feel torn.
Hannah
Hi everyone! Well, up until a year and some change ago I had never been in a military relationship. My first one was with a man in the Navy. We had known each other for years and one day he reached out proclaiming feelings and me being intrigued I allowed conversations which led to our eventual relationship. He was sent home about 3 months later and he went from being this amazingly sweet guy to someone that it was hard to get 4 words out of in a day…needless to say he broke up with me after 7 months. Now my next and CURRENT boyfriend was a marine for 4 years he got out and decided he wanted to go back in only this time he went Army. He is currently at AIT school (he didn’t have to go through basic again). I last saw him Thanksgiving week and I wont get to see him again until his graduation in May 🙁 The hardest part of this all is before he went to AIT we were able to talk, video chat and play video games with each other every day and now we’re lucky if we get 3 or 4 texts and a single phone call (The internet is really bad where he is at so no video calls) Its hard and its definitely a learning process and learning how not to take him being extremely busy to heart. Self-doubt is definitely not my best friend. I only know one other army wife in my area but she doesn’t really help in the support department. So any other military girlfriends or wives in WA state hit me up!
Taylor
Hello there! My name is Taylor. I met my boyfriend about 3 months ago. He’s been in the Navy for about 3 years now. We’re literally perfect for each other. I’ve never met someone as kind and sweet as he is. He just went underway 2 week’s ago and I have been struggling with the separation. We’ve been together almost everyday since we met so it’s a real adjustment with him being gone and receiving an email once a week. I’m trying to stay strong but my friends just don’t understand. Thankfully both my parents are Army so my mom totally gets what I’m going through. I knew what I was getting into when we first started dating but I had know idea what it was really like when they are away. I want more than anything in this world to make our relationship last. He wants to reenlist for shore duty in 3 years once this contract is over so he won’t have to be gone as long. He is not making this a career so I know the military life won’t last forever. That’s what I keep reminding myself. That’s it’s only temporary and we have the rest of our lives to look forward to after his commitment. I’d like to get to know other military girlfriends and talk about their experiences and how to cope with our guys being gone. I want to connect with others that are going through the same situation so I won’t feel so alone. Thanks!!
Lilyan
Hi Taylor,
I was also with my boyfriend every day until he left. It is very difficult to adjust being without him. Something that I’ve been reminding myself is that I was independent before and it will all be okay. Me and my boyfriends agreenent was one term and one term only. So military life wont be forever. But being separated we still need support. Our friends just dont quite get it as being with their significant others there isn’t this fear of them being gone and what will happen. What I can say is over time it will get easier to cope with.
Katie C.
I’m new to the whole military girlfriend thing. I met him about 4 months ago and we have been dating for about a month. I knew to a certain extent what I was getting myself into. I live about an hour away from base and so I am able to see him on the weekends, which we do, we spend all weekends together.. but it gets hard when I’m not able to see him very much and talk to him very often. It’s like time drags on during the week but on the weekend when I’m with him, the time flies by. I would go to see him more often but I am constantly being judged by his peers. They dont say anything but you can tell by the way they look. Hes obviously in shape and all, I’m on the other hand am pretty curvy. I’m not TERRIBLE, but I’m not where I would like to be in life. It makes things very difficult and it makes me feel like he deserves someone who fits into their community better. He tells me he loves me the way that I am and he wouldn’t change anything about me, but that doesnt change the fact of how I feel. I feel like I cant talk to any of my friends about this, they just wouldn’t understand. Another thing is his company is being sent on a mission in another country and hes told me that they aren’t necessarily sending him unless a few people gets hurt then they will send him. I dont even know how to mentally prepare myself for that and I just would like someone to just talk me through everything and give me some advice.
Carmen
I feel you girl my boyfriend is fit and I’m also curvy but if he likes you the way you are it doesnt matter what anyone else thinks also my boyfriend left for a 7 month deployment after 3 months of us dating it’s hard but you have to keep yourself occupied. I feel you also that I don’t get to see my boyfriend that often . He still has two more months till he comes back ..
Nikki
I thought I was the only one who felt like this! Same as Carmen, I get it! I don’t get to see my boyfriend at all though. Honestly, from someone who grew up in the military… some do that. It’s ridiculous; not all of the guys do, but some. CLEARLY they are no better, if you see a lot of them they’re “fit” but single and probably have to compensate 😉 Remember, you’re beautiful and human, SUPER natural to feel not good enough, I do everyday.
I pray everything works out for you.
Delaney
I’m soo glad I’m not the only one who is struggling with that! I feel like I owe it to him to get more fit because he is…
Lilyan
Hi everyone! My high school sweetheart of just over 4 years has left for basics today. We decided we didn’t want to rush into getting engaged or married just because of him inlisting. I feel like I’m prepared as to what will come but I am mostly worried about never knowing what happens with him. Sure, he can tell me most things but there’s still the significant stuff that only his mom will be notified of. And unfortunately I dont have the best relationship with her. I hope one day we will. But as latino moms are, if they dont like you they most likely never will. The separation is tough but I keep reminding myself that I was independent before I met him and I can still be while I’m with him.
Urbina Tso
Hi everyone, I’m a new military girlfriend. I’ve been dating my boyfriend Steven for almost a year and a half. We met at college, he graduated last year and he left for basic in February. He’s going to be there for 17 weeks so far I need 13 more weeks left until I see him. Since he’s left people all around me tell me that I won’t last. The “Jody” comments are ridiculous. I love my boyfriend so freaking much, he means the world to me and cheating is something I would never do. I never understood why someone has to badge on your relationship just cause theirs didn’t work out. I’m still in college at the moment and working- full time student/full time worker. Me and my boyfriend are very encouraging for one another. But when he’s done talking with me on the phone and I’m waiting on another letter. Why does it feel like I’m so left out of things. When girls complain about missing their boyfriend I’m just like *well the government owns mine so?. I want to be the couple that makes it and I’m determined, is there any encouraging words or anything that could help me understand or any wise words that’s could help me feel better about this situation?
Scarlett
Hi everyone ! I’m absolutely new here, and I’m a new military girlfriend. My boyfriend stationed in Augusta for 6 months and I am living thousands of miles from him. We’re different into many things, diff time zone and were both busy working. My loving boyfriend and I dating for almost a month, we both experienced unto past traumas or disappointments realationships. He was divorsed from his ex wife 8 years ago and I also seperated from my ex 4 years ago with one lovely daughter. We meet through online sites about 2 and a half months ago. we shared each others emotions, our daily happening’s lives. Days passing by, Am ashamed to say but I have something special feelings for him that i couldn’t handled it throughout the days. He said he is more picky on dating and meeting new people becaused of he’s past. He is really nice and something really special to me, One day, I got really jealous on him when I saw someone’s flirting him on facebook..haha I couldnt deny the fact that I am really acting like
his girlfriend *even if we’re not* and knowing aware from it, that time he was thinking that I am really serious, I caught his time and attention. weeks passing by, He like’s me too and he admits that he wanted me to be his girlfriend but he was really scared, he was really scared for the “barriers” a lot of barriers into a relationship he said, deep inside I cried a lot and I dont know why, we’re not even a couple and why i am really affected that much.
I never talked to him two (2 ) days, I gave him space to realize many things on earth. Until he realize that he is willing to face all the barriers in life as long we love each other. So, He propose to me, and were now officially couple without meeting in person 🙂 I dont know what will happen on our future, but as long as we love each other, trust each other, respect and patience. And i knew that he loves me through thick or thin, and he loves my daughter so much.
And now he was planning to visit me and my daughter by this june and were planning to get married also by this june..And he will ask the military if allow him to assign to Korea by October so he can bring me and my daughter with him. too fast to inlove, but i guess my world only revolving with him. We both christians, and we inlove each other, by next year we will have a wedding on texas cause his dad has have a church..He is 36 years of age now and I am 31,,were both serious in a relationship..I’m too excited to be with my love but at the same time nervous..Im sorry if too long for you to read 🙂 Im happy to share our story, and I wanted to ask if there is anyone here having a relationship with a military without meeting in person and when meeting each other get married straight ? how was it feel ? Is it happily ever after ?
And I do believe that we meet not by coinsidence but God sent him into my life to give me something to fight for, to show me there is love in this world, to give me hope and to bring me joy, He is the gift from above. Thank You and God Bless us all !