There is rarely a week that passes where I don’t hear from a military girlfriend. She is seeking support, friendship and acceptance into the military community. Researching this post, I found much of the advice for military girlfriends discouraging.
She needs to know “her place.”
She is “just a girlfriend.”
She is “not entitled to anything.”
Related: Boot Camp Communication – What You Can Expect Phone Calls, Letters, Graduation Day, etc.
Geeze! It made me think back to my days as a military girlfriend and how small the military community made me feel at times. It hurt most at the time because my service member and I had been together for years. I wasn’t a fling. And I definitely wasn’t a floozy. I was a young professional with a career and my own money. In the civilian community, people wouldn’t dream of constantly reminding you of “your place.”.
Related: 13 Useful Gifts for a Deployed Service Member
Of course, there are a few military girlfriends who give the title a bad name. They lack character and morals. They take advantage of service members and make poor choices.
As a military community, we have so much encouragement and sound advice to offer the military girlfriend.
One day I hope I am lucky enough to sit down and have a cup of coffee with one of those military girlfriends, who email me each week genuinely seeking help.
And when I do. I will tell her this…
Having a life in addition to the one with your service member will help you remember who you are as a person. Military life tends to take over a bit from time to time, but remember your individuality. Remember what you love to do for fun. Doing this will help your survive long deployments and separations so much better.
Connect with others in your community through Facebook groups, blogs and community events. This could be military community members or civilians. Establishing friendships and good relationships with others will offer you the support you need to overcome the ups and downs of military life.
Related: Where to Find MilSO Groups Online for Support and Encouragement
Grow your relationship.
Learn beneficial ways to improve communication in your relationship. Be open and honest with each other. Learn to grow and establish trust with your significant other. Honesty and trust are the foundation for every strong military relationship.
Use this as a time to weigh the positives and negatives of this life. Take time to really consider what it looks like long term, consider the possibility of moves (and not just the exotic possibilities but the very real not ideal possibilities), deployments, training, absences… talk to other spouses your your boyfriend’s trade honestly about what it’s looked like for them. Make an informed decision now, because that’s what dating is about. It’s okay if it’s not what you’re willing to accept in life, it’s not going to be what everyone wants (nor should it be). But make that decision now.
Take an open mind to making friends within the military community. There’s so much to be gained through positive friendships with other military spouses! — Kim
Seek out the positive.
Try to see the good in every situation, even when it’s not easy. Keeping a positive attitude through everything makes a HUGE difference. I often think of the Danes, who are touted as the happiest people on the planet, and how they seem to find the positive in every situation imaginable. They are what many like to call realistic optimists. They don’t sugar coat challenging circumstances, but they often look at things through the perspective of others, realizing that things aren’t always as bad as they seem.
Discover ways to become more understanding and patient. The military will dictate many parts of your life and allowing yourself to remit control will prepare you for the unexpected.
Give the relationship at least a year before making plans for your future. Don’t rush it. Take your time to know whether this is the life that is right for both of you. The military introduces a unique set of challenges to every marriage–separations, frequent moves, and a demanding job just to name a few. Think rationally, logically and wisely about marrying into military life.
Embrace it as much as possible.
Embrace your time as a military girlfriend. This season of life will help you learn if military life is where you want to be. It isn’t for everyone, and that is okay.
Surround yourself with supportive and positive people who see military life in a good light. There will be challenges and day to day frustrations and at times it can be overwhelming, but with a group of people that truly support one another in a healthy empowering way it can be an incredible experience. — Judy
Being a military girlfriend feels hard sometimes. It’s normal to feel that way.
Hang in there.
Feel encouraged.
You are welcome here in this community.
Want more on military life?
- 43 Awesome Tips for the New Military Wife
- 31 Encouraging Quotes for the Military Spouse
- The Biggest Mistake a Military Spouse Can Make
- The Brutally Honest Guide to Dating a Military Man
- 42+ Top Missing Him Quotes to Send Your Long Distance Boyfriend
What’s your perspective on being a military girlfriend? Let’s chat in the comments!
Hannah E. Boggs
Hey,
So I am new to the military life style… I have been with my bf for about 4 months now and he is based about 500 miles from me.. he comes down when ever he has a four day which is not often and I try to go up to base when ever I can which hasn’t happened yet do to the fact I’m a firefighter but I’m trying so hard to get over the fact we used to talk all the time and currently it hasn’t been very much conversation. He has been out training in the field with his company and a couple others doing all of the preparations for if he was to get deployed (I think it sucks and it scares me because he is an infantry unit)… I understand he is training and he can’t talk but when I go on Facebook and see he is posting stuff in there or he is active on other social media and doesn’t even let me know he is okay it is frustrating. I understand his job is his top priority, and I’m not but I still feel like he could update me on how he is doing instead of goofing on social media… is that too selfish of me? I just don’t want to seem to overbearing or annoying.. I also don’t know how to feel about the fact that he said he is surprised I made it this far into the military life.. I didn’t know how to respond to it so I just said yeah it’s hard and it can suck but you make sacrifices for people you care about.. ugh I just worry that I could be too clingy even though he said he would rather have me be clingy and worry than be distant and not care.. I just don’t know if I’m doing the right things with him I mean he is such an amazing loving man who would give you the clothes off his back if he saw you didn’t have anything .. he also talks about our future and how our kids would be and what we would name them… he has met my whole family too I haven’t been able to meet his family due to the fact they are on the other side of the country.. but he talks to them about me. He did say he truly loved me the other day… I guess I just don’t know how to feel about this life style… I like it but hate it at the same time.. he is also re-enlisting next year and he said he wants me to go but I would have to give up my firefighting career and I want to go with him so badly I’m just kinda scared.. idk how to feel
Sarah
I’m new to the military world. My boyfriend have been dating for a little over a month and he just left for a deployment. I’m completely wrecked and could use some advice. I care about him so much and definitely want to make it work.
Jenny
Hi Sarah,
That is difficult. Especially since you two just recently connected and started going out. I have to say for me, the people in my life made an impact in me getting through the past two months. He has just started training in August, but our contact has been limited to letters the old fashioned way and I got one phone call in, because having your phone on your all the time can be a little difficult since they’re in consistent calls. I know I’ve been reaching out to my friends and family for some love and support. I also am trying to get into some hobbies I may have put to the side to occupy myself. Finding ways to fill the void your heart has helped me, of course it doesn’t replace someone as special as a significant other, but it helps to pass the time. I know it’s tough and hurts, but I hope you find the courage and strength inside to get you through this. I’m sure your boyfriend is a special person, for you to consider staying together even though he left so soon after you started dating. Feel free to reach out to me, I’d love another friend to share our thoughts and feelings. Sending warm thoughts and hugs :)…
Sarah
Ugh, yes please! I’m so new to this and it’s so hard. I’d love any advice I can get! My boyfriend is absolutely perfect so I really wanna make this work.
Erin
Hello everyone! My name is Erin and I am extremely thankful for everyone’s service and/or your family member’s service! I am going into a field where I hope to work with individuals who have served in the military and their families. My name is Erin and I am 22 years old. My boyfriend of four years is currently in the marines, a heavy equipment operator, stationed in Okinawa, Japan and I haven’t seen him face to face since September of 2017. It is definitely hard going from seeing someone at least once a week to only seeing them through a phone screen. If anyone has any tips/advice to offer for the long distance, I would truly appreciate it!! Thanks!!
Jenny
Hi Erin,
That is definitely rough and I commend you on your personal strength and resilience to be committed and strong through this tough time. I just want to send some warm thoughts and hugs your way. You are a brave and supportive girlfriend and I know you will get through this. My boyfriend has just left for training this past August, so I can’t even imagine what it must have been like this whole past year, but I’m happy to hear that you’ve been able to keep going strong all this time. I know I will be going through a similar experience, as I am still in school and will be here for a while longer, before we’ll be in the same zipcode again. I wish you all the best!
Jenny
Hello,
Thank you for sharing this post and giving some great advice for women who are going through this experiencing. I know it has personally been rough for me to go through this new transition in life as this is the longest and first time we’ve ever been a part for this long. I really connected with this post and received a lot of much needed support and encouragement!
Abril Soto
Hi! I’m absolutely new to this, I’m from Mexico (TJ) and my boyfriend lives in California…
we met a month ago and he is so amazing and wonderful… but then he said he wanted to join the navy and I had NO idea about anything, I was scared and shocked! I kept asking myself “what I’d going to happen?” “Am I a military girlfriend now?” “What do I have to do?”
No I’m still learning, he’s leaving soon and I’m trying to be 100% supportive, but I still have a lot of questions!
Can I give him something before he goes? He leaves then comes back… then what?
This blog is a blessing and I hope I can fit into the community …
Kasey
Hi Abril,
Welcome! It is quite a challenge in being a military significant other, but it also is rewarding when you truly love someone. My boyfriend went overseas to Japan back in May of this year. We were just able to see each other for the first time in 5 months a few weeks ago. I encourage you to pray for him often, love him through it and stay focused on your goals as well. Prior to my boyfriend leaving I sent him off with “Open When Letters” they really help with the distance. I hope nothing but the best for you and your sailor!!
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Meagan
Me and my boyfriend recently had an unofficial engagement before he left for basic. Even though I’ve stayed in contact with his parents it is so scary. thanks to my school issues I’m scared when he gets home I’ll just be his high school girlfriend and things will change. It’s one of the scariest things I’ve had to deal with in a relationship, but won’t change it for the world.
carmen romero
im a military girlfriend my boyfriend just left last month on a 7 month deployment im from San Diego and my friends don’t understand anything i think i need military girlfriends as friends lol .if anyone lives in san Diego and want to start a military girlfriend support group im up for that.
Adriana
hi, I’m very new to this and I just need advice and support no one understands the stress and the things I go through because none of my friends understand a military relationship. lol my boyfriend is on a mission right now at the border in Texas i’m from there too, i just don’t know how to help him when he’s stressed out being that work is a big stress factor.
Destiney Lewis
My boyfriend leaves for the military next month, I’ve been feeling so down and stressed. I don’t know what to do. We decided to stay together because we love each other and don’t want to live without each other. I’m just so afraid of how things will be once he’s gone.